Ninja - Movie Review

Okay, let me preface this first by saying, this is not the Ninja Assassin movie that has Sho Kosugi in it. It's just called "Ninja." I say this because I have the utmost respect for Sho Kosugi and his badass ninja skills. Even if he is only an actor. He acts like he has badass ninja skills, so I respect his art. Hell, he could probably just act like he is kicking my butt, and manage a decent job of it. lol I would say Ninja Assassin is a smidge better than "Ninja," so try not to get the two confused.

Ninja has some actor named scott in it. He plays the lead. And here's something I can't ever understand. Why does every white martial artist look like a teenage sylvester stallone? The big hair, the ... shall we say, "prominent" nose? You know what I mean, vern? Is there some ninjutsu dojo in Brooklyn I don't know about? Not that I would know, even if there was, but it seems like every white guy who knows martial arts looks like he came out of New York City. Hell, maybe they do. That having been said, let me get to the movie.

Ninja opens, as every good ninja movie does, with ninjas training at the ninja school. Well, except first there is a bit of history about ninjas in Japanese culture, complete with what look like authentic japanese wooden scrolls with artwork on them! Even if they aren't authentic, someone put some work into them so I had to give them a shout-out. They look very realistic. And that's where the authenticity goes by the wayside. So then we see students training to become ninjas. Practicing with knives, staves, bows- and oh what's this? Is someone holding a bow backwards as they shoot arrows at a target? Why yes, yes they are. That is some badass ninja shit right there! You KNOW they are badass ninjas when they won't even hold a bow correctly! YEA, BABY!

So that just sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Now don't get me wrong, there's a lot of action. There were just so many inconsistencies that the movie kept throwing off my enjoyment of it. Let's start with the two main characters. There's a badass ninja trainee called Masazuka, and "Casey" played by that scott-actor-guy. And, now don't get me wrong, Casey has some nice moves, but even as trainees, Casey apparently can't hold his own against masazuka. Which of course, is a lot like every other ninja movie, there's always some better student out there that our hero can't beat, which sets the whole tone of the movie, because the better student is always the bad guy in these things. Well. Except in the Octagon, with Chuck Norris, wherein Chuck Norris is actually the better student, but come on... who can compete with Chuck Norris? The guy is like 100 years old and can still cripple and main someone with a harsh glance. Anyway, in all these ninja movies where there's a white guy, there's always a traditional japanese student who is a racist prick and doesn't like white people, and picks on the white guy all the time. because, you know, even Ninjas have to deal with bullies at school. lol

Now here's where the second inconsistency pops up. The first being, someone using a bow backwards. And maybe I can forgive that one because it is a TRAINEE, so maybe he's just the retarded kid that they are purposely training wrong. As a joke. He could even have been named Wimp Lo, but I can't say. Anywho, the master of the dojo is apparently called a Soke, and the Soke's daughter is in training as well, and seems to be kicking Casey's ass with a staff. Which, well, let's face it, she's the master's daughter, she better be goddamn good at being a ninja or the master is going to look like a moron. But she is consistently beating him with a staff, and yet, the master holds Casey and masazuka up to the class as people they should try and be like. Because if there is one thing teachers do, it's create rivalry among students so the swords come out. Erm. yea.

So here's my beef with the movie. Casey fights with Masazuka, and Masazuka's tossed out of Ninja school. Typical. But masazuka is all like "but, but, I don't KNOW any other life! i've been here since I was 2!" or whatever. Which just makes me feel all sad for masazuka, because, come on, honestly, he got a little angry at the white guy (for no discernible reason, granted), but no one got hurt, maybe he disgraced himself, but was it necessary to kick him out? So he's out of school and I would guess, years pass, because the next time we see masazuka he's a badass, high priced assassin for hire. Now, think about it, the guy knows no other way of life, he'd have to start small, killing farmers and small children or something, til he attracted the attention of the big boys. Even if he used all his ninja skills and killed all his assassin rivals in the area, it would still take years for him to gather the money together to outfit his own evil lair (which he has by the next time we see him). So obviously, he's never completed ninja school, but he's got some technological substitutes to help him get by. Plus, he uses guns.

All through this movie, Casey and the Soke's daughter are fighting multiple thugs and Masazuka. Now... several things are jumping out at me here. One is, for an assassin's daughter, the chick (i can't recall her name) is barely an average fighter. She's tiny, sure. She probably weighs less than one of my legs. But.. wouldn't you think she'd be able to compensate for that? Because all through this movie, she's getting her ass kicked. Thugs, ninjas, masazuka, random people off the street are just bitchslapping her all over the place. Hell, from the looks of it, I could kick her ass, and I'm a computer geek. Where the hell is her training? She can't fight for shit hand to hand. She never bothers to try and find a weapon. We never see her grab a staff. The hero, casey, never even tosses her a pointy stick or something. So, I guess her total lack of skills make her a good heroine in distress for the hero to rescue, but come on? She's supposed to be a NINJA. The mere word should be enough to make hired killers wet their pants. She's an embarrassment to the word, if a pretty cute one.

So then we have casey. Now, supposedly he's going to be the next Master of the dojo, and has at least several more years of training than masazuka by the time all the violence in the movie breaks out, where casey and a few other ninjas are transporting the Yoroi-bitsu (ancient ninja weapons) to a museum in america. And, a side note here, they make this casey fellow always looking at a worn postcard with his mother's address on it, the mother who abandoned him at birth, so when in NY he goes to see her, and she's died months earlier. Wtf? What kind of closure is that? Why even mention it if all you're going to do is kill her off months before he has a chance to talk to her? That's just retarded. Serves no purpose whatsoever.

So gun-toting thugs kill off the ninjas with casey. Sure, the ninjas take out a thug or two. But, again, they are supposed to be NINJAS! Come on. My mom could probably have taken out two or three of the thugs at least. Anyway, disappointing ninjas aside, let's discuss training here.

They make a huge deal of these ninjas making their own poison so that there's only one antidote. There's even an antidote for the poison in the handle of this ancient sword, which saves the girl later in the movie, and I hope I didn't give anything away here, but... if even masazuka, who didn't even finish the training, can make the poison and the antidote for it... why the HELL doesn't every student, including the master, carry around a damn vial of antidote? The MASTER of the damn DOJO dies by the poison, and you're telling me he's too stupid to have the antidote handy when he KNOWS masazuka's a bad ninja? I don't get it. Also, supposedly Casey had years more of training than masazuka, but masazuka still wipes the floor with him in almost every fight.

So let's see here. Masazuka makes his own ninja weapons, kills with poison, destroys just about everyone, kills without warning and without regret, and you're NOT making him the head assassin? I really don't follow that. Seems like the right qualities to me...? Hell, neither Casey nor the chick even seem to bother picking up any weapons, let alone making their own... But they're the good guys! Pfagh. Makes no sense.

Just about the only thing this movie got right is lots and lots of fighting. Casey, at least, seems to make short work of most of the thugs hired to go after him. He doesn't kill them, of course, because that would be WRONG, and.. but... he's a ninja, that's what they do... but... SO CONFUSING!

Ninja Assassin, or, any movie starring Sho Kosugi, is much better, and makes much better use of the ninja weapons. Plus, and here's something else I never understood about ninja movies. WHERE'S THE SUBTERFUGE? The misdirection?? Sure there's this ONE movie here, where a ninja kills with poison, but ninjas were famous for it back in the day. yet most ninja movies feature the hero walking into a building full of armed guards and fighting his way through. That's so not the point. They're supposed to be SNEAKY. They're not armored, they aren't attacking in vast numbers, they don't have sniper rifles with laser scopes, so the only successful option is SNEAKINESS. Most of the Sho Kosugi Ninja movies seem to understand that. Sure, there's going to be fighting in them, I mean that's kind of the point and all, but at least there's a LOT of trickery going on, not just "walk into the bad guy's house and punch him" attitude.

Hell, that guy from "The Mechanic" is better at killing without anyone knowing he's there than the ninjas in this movie. And he's not even a ninja!

So, all in all, a bad ninja movie, even if there is a generous amount of action in it. It's on Netflix if you care to catch it, but I'd recommend Pray for Death instead. With Sho Kosugi! Best ninja EVER! Even if he does only have one eye. Sho Kosugi was in ALL the Ninja movies from the 80's, from Enter the Ninja to Ninja 2 and ninja 3. I think pray for death was probably the last ninja movie of the 80's, and Sho went from a bad guy in the first one (where he died) to the fourth one. Uh, if you've seen Ninja 3 you know it's REALLY hard to kill a ninja, so um, yea, I guess he did come back from the dead for movies 2 through 4. So what? You going to argue with him that it's not possible? I'm not!