Review #7 - The Ward

Hey here we go, an actual decent movie!

The Ward, directed by John Carpenter! Yes, the guy who made the Fog, The Thing, yea, all those "the Something" movies!

I saw a short interview with john carpenter recently on TCM and he looked super old, and was complaining about his shoes. I feel kind of bad for the guy, getting old and all, but he seems to still be making decent movies, so I hope he feels as young as I do!

This particular one starred Amber Heard! Yes, she who sounds like Scarlett johannsen, or however you spell her name. And yes, Hannah from england, who apparently read my blog at one point, I would also like to see her naked. And yes, apparently, more than one person reads my blog! Brando, who is often anonymous, some foreign singer or something named Dimitri, who wants to compare sci-fi movies with me sometime (maybe next month, dimitri, this month is all horror). So that makes at least three! Perhaps not all regular, of course. OH and i can't forget my buddy Rich who now lives in Australia! And while Rich and I have not swilled a beer together in some time, we have been out to eat on many an occasion, and even played a few games online together. Rich! I think you'd like The Ward, too.

I only mention my readers because I just figured out how to read the comments section all at once... apparently I missed a few comments over the years, so if you wanted a reply back right away... well... sorry? :-) I'm a bloody genius, yes, however, I'm not perfect. lol

Now, let's get to the review. Kristen (amber Heard) is apparently a pyromaniac. She set fire to a farmhouse, and the police, who happened to be driving by at the time (bad timing, that) caught her and took her to an asylum. This all happens back in the late 50's and early 60's, by the way, when asylums were all the rage in mental care. Why they'd think she was crazy for enjoying a good barbecue, I don't really know. Frankly, I'm a bit of a pyro myself, and while I've never set fire to anything besides a grill or some handily arranged wood logs in a fire pit, I do understand the fascination of watching things burn. I was getting a bit entranced by the flames, quite honestly, when the scene cut to show Kristen being taken to the mental hospital. I was disappointed.

Luckily, Kristen is taken to the "hot chicks" ward of the mental facility. I say this because almost all of the girls in the ward are fairly attractive. I must say, I think I am in the wrong line of work when orderlies get to hose down the nude arrivals and... NEW... I meant to say new, not nude... and then get to strap them down to a bed and do unspeakable things to them. Ah well. Where was I? Oh yes. So Kristen meets her new ward-mates, Iris, um.... well there were other girls but I can't remember all their names. Anyway, the girls in Kristen's ward begin disappearing. Apparently, the room Kristen is in belonged to a girl named Alice, and ever since Alice disappeared, strange things have been happening in the Hot Chicks ward... Hmmmmmm...

This movie is rather predictable, in a sense. Although scary, it's more of the "jump out of your skin when something happens suddenly on screen" rather than a good, suspenseful kind of horror. Still, the sudden shocks this movie delivers was more than enough to trigger my adrenal glands, even if they are a bit overactive. I was able to figure out what was going on almost immediately, which, for me, is kind of a drawback, seeing as I then knew how it was going to end, but the movie still managed to deliver some good shocks. Hell, it was almost like electro-convulsive therapy in it's own right. Which should satisfy some people because they probably think some good electroshock therapy would do me good. lol

There was no actual nudity in this movie, which is odd for a film about asylums from the 50s and 60s. As I understand it, conditions inside mental wards at that time were deplorable and depraved to the point of... well, lunacy, I should think, and not to use that as an excuse to show off Amber Heard's therapeutic form is just ludicrous! I mean, there was even a shower scene! How can you have a shower scene and not show off anything? Shit, there were like 4 other girls there, certainly if Amber was feeling shy on the set that day, one of the other ones could have shown off something? But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, just soapy upper backs! And yea, I know you can see nudity online, but that's not the point, is it?

Well, still a decent flick. It's not "the Fog" or anything, but worth a watch. I doubt it'd survive a second viewing, so it probably fails the rewatchability test, but if you are a fan of Amber Heard, who sounds like Scarlett johanssen, you mgiht want to give this a view. Honestly, for being the star of the film, she doesn't have that many lines, and she seems to have foregone her husky "I'm trying to sound like scarlett johanssen" voice. For good effect on that one, watch "The Stepfather" remake they did a couple years back. Which not only shows of Amber's voice acting, but her, ah, other talents as well. In a bikini, at least. She does have a decent arse.

I'm not sure if I am hearing thunder at the moment or my own pulse, but I am feeling MUCH better today. I am well on my way to recovering from the flu, thank you very much. Ah a quick check of the weather on WUNDERGROUND.COM (that's right, I still use it, because it's better than weather.com, and always will be, my stubborn, inaccurate nephew) assures me that I am NOT any more insane than usual, and there IS in fact a T-storm around my area. Good to know. Thunder and rain always puts me right to sleep. Like a gentle lullaby, really. I never understood people who were afraid of storms. Mother Nature loves you!

Bloody hell the 19th already! 11 days to review 24 more films... holy crap. I may not get all 31 in, dammit, but I will try! Perhaps I should review the other horror films I have actually seen this month, but I haven't thought they were good enough for a review? Hmmmmm. We shall see.