So I finally saw Inception.
Supposedly, everyone liked it. I don't see why. One it stars Leonardo Dicrapio or whatever his name is. Sure, he's a big star and is in a lot of movies nowadays. I'm not really sure why. He reminds me of Shia Laboof, honestly. It's like every movie he is in is just another Leonardo movie. See, here's what I am saying, you get a good actor, and the first thing you think of when you think of the movie they are in is the character's name. So you're watching a good movie with a good actor, and if you recognize the actor, you say something like this to yourself: "Oh, I know that actor, he played Tom Sawyer in that movie last week, what was his name?" See, the good actor immerses himself so much in his role, you have a tough time remembering what the actual name of the actor is. Now, a bad actor, you say "Oh, Leonardo." or "oh it's Shia labeouaf." You don't rememebr their character's name because the actual characters they play ALL ACT THE SAME... just like the actor. So you never associate those actors with good roles, you just know them by their famous names. Even a guy like Jack Nicholson, who is instantly recognizable in any role he plays because he pretty much does the same thing, is a better actor because you think, "Oh jack nicholson, he played the guy in "The Shining" or "that military guy in that law movie with tom cruise," or the "The Wolf." Sure, if you remember the character's names, fine, but they are all great character roles.
Now, you add Leo to an already goofy film. One, you're never sure if anything on the screen is actually happening or is just a dream. I hate movies like that. What's the point of watching them? Did anything happen? I have my own dream sequences to try and ignore, I don't need someone else's dreams to confuse me, and this one does. Now it's not like I didn't understand the story, I get it. You go into a dream to gather info, or deeper into the dream to get into deeper levels of unconsciousness. Fine. But then they say they are going 3 dreams deep, and they actually go 4, by my count, and apparently, if anyone ELSE goes that deep into a dream, they'll get all lost and crazy and shit, but LEO can do it, because he's special. Yea, he's "special" all right.
The only nearly exciting part of the movie was when they were all trying to get "kicked" back into reality at the same time, and that just got confusing because they were flipping back and forth from scene to scene so much I had no idea what was going on other than, shit was going wrong all at once. As shit often does. The musical score was nice, all "OOOOH EXCITING SHIT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!" and all, but that was about it. I didn't really care about any of the characters and the only interesting actor/actress was the cute young girl playing the "architect" (not quite the same as the one in the matrix but close) and they never developed any possible romantic liaisons with her or any of the other characters, so I'm left wondering if anything of importance happened at all, and whether i cared or not. Like the entire movie was an episode of Seinfeld. Whether Leo got back to his nameless/faceless kids, I didn't really give a damn about. And honestly, since their father was an international fugitive (also a sedative addict and international thought-thief, and that's just to start with), does anyone care if Leo got back to his perfectly healthy kids? I'm SURE they'd be better off without him at this point. Also, didn't he literally cause his own wife's suicide by messing around with her subconscious?
If the end of the movie is any indication, it's entirely possible he's still stuck in some dream-state somewhere, making him a human vegetable in the real world. I rather like that ending to the movie. Actually showing Leo all vegged out, drooling on himself in some hospital bed somewhere, would have been a good ending. Perhaps with his perfectly healthy wife taking care of his kids, or even Michael Caine taking care of them, saying something like "He was never the same after his wife's suicide." If she ever actually died or not.
Personally, through the whole movie, I was thinking the flipside was actually true, that Leo WAS a veg, and his wife was actually by his bedside, trying to bring him back to reality, and that's why she was so ever-present in his dreams. So maybe that's still the case? Who knows. I had the chance to watch it again, but I switched off to watch an old godzilla movie i'd seen a thousand times, so obviously it failed the rewatchability test.
All in all, don't bother watching it if you haven't yet. Waste of time.
UNEMPLOYMENT UPDATE: Still looking. Getting some phone interviews off of my monster.com resume, but there's literally nothing in the newspapers anymore for IT jobs. Nursing and auto mechanics, sure. Computer jobs? Fuggedaboutit.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
An Idiot's Guide to Tech Support
As told from a technical perspective...
I have a simple job. I fix shit. Computers, romantic issues, life issues. Sure, my solutions are not always the best ones. But they usually work. So since my job as a tech support specialist is now over, at least until I can find a new one, I'm going to sum up my garnered wisdom in a few simple paragraphs. To start with, the first thing to do is to classify yourself (if you aren't a technical support person) or your caller (if you are working tech support) into one of several groups. Please note, I coined most (if not all) of these terms myself, so if you want to use them in your own office lingo, you must give me full credit, or the RIAA will sue you for 17 trillion dollars. Or not.
SUPERSIZERS: Inspired by McDonald's, Supersizers always want to go one better. If they are talking to tier 1, they want to talk to Tier 2. If they are talking to tier 2, they want to talk to tier 3. If they are talking to tier 3, they want a supervisoer. This is not because whoever they are talking to can't fix their issue. This is because they think the problem is not on their end and they want a supervisor to "flip the switch" that turns their internet back on, or makes their computer work. Because that's how the internet works. There's just one big button labelled "Tom's Intneret Access" and if it's flipped to ON, Tom gets internet Access. If it's OFF, he doesn't. At least, that's what the supersizers all believe. In reality, the supersizer is so scared of technology that they can't even begin to think about it, and become aggressive when confronted with their sheer ineptitude. They probably just forgot to plug the damn thing in, but it'll take the president of the company telling them that before they bother to look.
DEAFTARDS: These are, for the most part, old people. They can't hear, and what they do hear, they misinterpret. It's not really their fault. They are old. To them, computers are magic boxes that are their only contact with their grandkids. Most of them can't figure out how to use a calculator or set the time on an alarm clock, let alone hook up to the internet and check their email. Unfortunately for the tech guy on the other end, the deaftard expects them to make the "magic box" work for them. Deaftards are usually pretty easy to identify, as the first thing out of their mouths is "You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you." Usually before you've even started to speak. Or you'll say something simple, like, "Click on START." And they will Kick the Screen and tell you adamantly that that is exactly what you told them to do.
SOUTHERNERS: A subtle variant of Deaftards, Southerners are usually drunk, rowdy and prone to insult you to cover up the fact that they can't hear you, can't understand you, or can't figure out how to understand plain english as opposed to Southern Drawl. I'm not saying all Southerners are dumb drunkards all the time, just when they call into tech support. Southerners can be hard to discern from Deaftards, but they usually have some small computer knowledge from purchasing beer and guns over the internet. This is best summed up in their standard means of describing any process on the computer: "i click on the thing to get into the thing and when the thing come up, it just don't work!" Other ways to identify a Southerner as opposed to a Deaftard are the constant phrases, whenever they are told to do something: "Do what now?" And "You wants me to mash de button?" Leading to the alternate name for them, the Button Mashers.
PEGGY'S: Inspired by the credit card commercials, Peggys always say yes to whatever you ask them. Have they checked to make sure it's plugged in? Yes. Have they reformatted the hard drive? Yes. Have they ran a virus scan using the latest heuristic algorithms in triplicate with three different anti viral software packages, including the one your company makes but hasn't sold them yet? Yes. Have they tried jumping up and down on one leg? Yes. It makes no difference what you suggest they try, they have done it and it's got them nowhere. In reality, they haven't tried a single thing, have no idea what you are talking about, and couldn't tell the difference if you made it up from terms you stole from "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Peggy's are a lot like Supersizers in all respects, except for one important detail: they never clarify anything, they never ask anything, and they never give you enough information to diagnose the problem. If this is the first time they have called in, you may get different answers, such as "I don't know." and "It's just not working." Even if you ask them their name or phone number. Why don't they know? Because they never call themselves.
WANDERERS: Sometimes confused with Deaftards, Wanderers are the living embodiments of the phrase "A little knowledge is dangerous." Typically, they are people afflicted with Adult-onset Attention Deficit Disorder, who see a pretty light and just MUST click on it, much like a kitten will try and pounce on the little red dot from a laser pointer. There may be no outward clues of this until you've identified the problem, but the minute you try to fix it, they will start clicking on something else, usually saying something like "Wait, what's this?" or "Let me just check something here."
ALIENS: These ones are easy to identify. They know how to work a computer, they have some idea of what the issue is, and will happily and quickly perform any technical procedure you tell them to without difficulty. Either the problem will be fixed quickly, or it's an issue on the network side, because these rare individuals have already tried all the basic stuff. They are happy to run through it with you again, mind you, not because they think it will help this time, but because you have a job to do and they understand that. These few are also called "Miracles" and "Angels" and "Hopefuls" because they fill the tech support representative with hope for the human race. In reality, they are aliens hellbent on the destruction of the human species, and only need internet access to contact their remote communicator and let their home planet know where to attack, because they sure as hell can't be that smart and still be human.
Now that we've identified the basic types, it's important to know how to handle their respective personalities. See, good tech support is all about what we call "soft skills" and if you don't know how to identify who you're dealing with, how will you ever fix the problem? Below is a short synopsis of how to handle each of the types, and what to do in case of emergency.
SUPERSIZERS: Usually the best method is just to give them to a co-worker. The supersizer will be looking out for this manuevuer, but honestly, how will they know the difference? They could be talking to a sock puppet, and as long as it tells them to check to see if their computer is plugged in, they are still going to ask to talk to the sock puppet's boss. Usually it's best to tell them "There is no such thing as Tier 47" or "there are no supervisors available at this time." because seriously, there are never any supervisors available. They are all out having lunch. ALL THE TIME. In an emergency, give them the company president's cell phone number, because that information is listed on the company's web page anyway, and if they ever get their internet access back, they are going to look it up just to call him/her.
DEAFTARDS: Talk more and more quietly as the call continues. This will lead to one of two conclusions. Either they will assume they have a bad connection and hang up, or they will assume they are going quickly deaf, panic, and hang up to call their doctor. Alternately, when they keep asking you to speak up, you can say "hello?" several times and pretend they can't hear you. Which, they really can't anyway. Since you aren't getting anywhere either way, the call is only going to end badly for both of you. And for the love of all that is good and holy, do NOT yell into the phone so they can hear you. Seriously. No one wants to hear you shouting into your phone to some deaftard. Only newbies do that. In an emergency, just hang up. It had to be a bad connection anyway, because they couldn't hear you, right?
SOUTHERNERS: These can be a little tricky. In some cases, you might be able, with a lot of patience, to figure out what's wrong and actually get it fixed. If your patience is wearing thin, just tell them quite simply to "Click on the thing near the thing to get into the thing!" like you were talking to a retard, and nine times out of ten, they'll know exactly what you mean, click the right thing, and fix the problem. The tenth time, they'll just lie and say it's fixed so they can hang up and go back to drinking.
PEGGY'S: Just hang up. I don't care how long you spend on the phone, what questions you ask, or what they say, there's only going to be one conclusion. Your brain is going to explode. Everything they say is just going to confuse you more, not because you are dumb, but because they can't, no matter how hard they try, give you any information that you can fit into a usable solution. In an emergency, when you've been on the phone with them for an hour and you still can't find out their name because "they just got married and it's hyphenated and they aren't sure which name comes first." or they don't know their phone number because "They just moved and they don't know the new number" you can always tell them to call back when they figure it out. Who cares? It's not like you were able to enter any information on them anyway because they weren't able to tell you their name so you could bring up their account.
WANDERERS: Check your email. Browse the web. Put them on mute and talk to a co-worker. The wanderer will eventually forget why they called, or manage to fix their own issue completely by accident. When they've gone off on a tangent for the hundredth time, put them on hold for 5 minutes. When you come back, they'll have pissed themselves looking for the bathroom, and won't be there when you come back, so you can hang up on them with good reason.
ALIENS: Email your own people to search for the problem on your network side, because they are using a human brain hardwired into a CPU that's been force-fed self-correction algorithms. There's nothing wrong on their side. Get them their internet access so they can invade and make us all smarter, for the love of all that is good and holy. Sure, we'll all be robotic pets to them once they transfer our tiny brains into indestructible alien pink plastic poodles, but hey, you'll have the pleasure of "accidentally" pissing synthetic lubricant on their carpet while they are off conquering the next world of idiots, thereby getting some small measure of revenge for terraforming the Earth.
Well there you have it. I, for one, welcome our smarter, alien overlords. Sure, if you want to fight back, that's easy too. Throw a few peggys at them and the hive brain mother ship will implode within 23 seconds. But why would you want to do that? That's just cruel. Plus, we'd be left with the Peggys.
I have a simple job. I fix shit. Computers, romantic issues, life issues. Sure, my solutions are not always the best ones. But they usually work. So since my job as a tech support specialist is now over, at least until I can find a new one, I'm going to sum up my garnered wisdom in a few simple paragraphs. To start with, the first thing to do is to classify yourself (if you aren't a technical support person) or your caller (if you are working tech support) into one of several groups. Please note, I coined most (if not all) of these terms myself, so if you want to use them in your own office lingo, you must give me full credit, or the RIAA will sue you for 17 trillion dollars. Or not.
SUPERSIZERS: Inspired by McDonald's, Supersizers always want to go one better. If they are talking to tier 1, they want to talk to Tier 2. If they are talking to tier 2, they want to talk to tier 3. If they are talking to tier 3, they want a supervisoer. This is not because whoever they are talking to can't fix their issue. This is because they think the problem is not on their end and they want a supervisor to "flip the switch" that turns their internet back on, or makes their computer work. Because that's how the internet works. There's just one big button labelled "Tom's Intneret Access" and if it's flipped to ON, Tom gets internet Access. If it's OFF, he doesn't. At least, that's what the supersizers all believe. In reality, the supersizer is so scared of technology that they can't even begin to think about it, and become aggressive when confronted with their sheer ineptitude. They probably just forgot to plug the damn thing in, but it'll take the president of the company telling them that before they bother to look.
DEAFTARDS: These are, for the most part, old people. They can't hear, and what they do hear, they misinterpret. It's not really their fault. They are old. To them, computers are magic boxes that are their only contact with their grandkids. Most of them can't figure out how to use a calculator or set the time on an alarm clock, let alone hook up to the internet and check their email. Unfortunately for the tech guy on the other end, the deaftard expects them to make the "magic box" work for them. Deaftards are usually pretty easy to identify, as the first thing out of their mouths is "You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you." Usually before you've even started to speak. Or you'll say something simple, like, "Click on START." And they will Kick the Screen and tell you adamantly that that is exactly what you told them to do.
SOUTHERNERS: A subtle variant of Deaftards, Southerners are usually drunk, rowdy and prone to insult you to cover up the fact that they can't hear you, can't understand you, or can't figure out how to understand plain english as opposed to Southern Drawl. I'm not saying all Southerners are dumb drunkards all the time, just when they call into tech support. Southerners can be hard to discern from Deaftards, but they usually have some small computer knowledge from purchasing beer and guns over the internet. This is best summed up in their standard means of describing any process on the computer: "i click on the thing to get into the thing and when the thing come up, it just don't work!" Other ways to identify a Southerner as opposed to a Deaftard are the constant phrases, whenever they are told to do something: "Do what now?" And "You wants me to mash de button?" Leading to the alternate name for them, the Button Mashers.
PEGGY'S: Inspired by the credit card commercials, Peggys always say yes to whatever you ask them. Have they checked to make sure it's plugged in? Yes. Have they reformatted the hard drive? Yes. Have they ran a virus scan using the latest heuristic algorithms in triplicate with three different anti viral software packages, including the one your company makes but hasn't sold them yet? Yes. Have they tried jumping up and down on one leg? Yes. It makes no difference what you suggest they try, they have done it and it's got them nowhere. In reality, they haven't tried a single thing, have no idea what you are talking about, and couldn't tell the difference if you made it up from terms you stole from "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Peggy's are a lot like Supersizers in all respects, except for one important detail: they never clarify anything, they never ask anything, and they never give you enough information to diagnose the problem. If this is the first time they have called in, you may get different answers, such as "I don't know." and "It's just not working." Even if you ask them their name or phone number. Why don't they know? Because they never call themselves.
WANDERERS: Sometimes confused with Deaftards, Wanderers are the living embodiments of the phrase "A little knowledge is dangerous." Typically, they are people afflicted with Adult-onset Attention Deficit Disorder, who see a pretty light and just MUST click on it, much like a kitten will try and pounce on the little red dot from a laser pointer. There may be no outward clues of this until you've identified the problem, but the minute you try to fix it, they will start clicking on something else, usually saying something like "Wait, what's this?" or "Let me just check something here."
ALIENS: These ones are easy to identify. They know how to work a computer, they have some idea of what the issue is, and will happily and quickly perform any technical procedure you tell them to without difficulty. Either the problem will be fixed quickly, or it's an issue on the network side, because these rare individuals have already tried all the basic stuff. They are happy to run through it with you again, mind you, not because they think it will help this time, but because you have a job to do and they understand that. These few are also called "Miracles" and "Angels" and "Hopefuls" because they fill the tech support representative with hope for the human race. In reality, they are aliens hellbent on the destruction of the human species, and only need internet access to contact their remote communicator and let their home planet know where to attack, because they sure as hell can't be that smart and still be human.
Now that we've identified the basic types, it's important to know how to handle their respective personalities. See, good tech support is all about what we call "soft skills" and if you don't know how to identify who you're dealing with, how will you ever fix the problem? Below is a short synopsis of how to handle each of the types, and what to do in case of emergency.
SUPERSIZERS: Usually the best method is just to give them to a co-worker. The supersizer will be looking out for this manuevuer, but honestly, how will they know the difference? They could be talking to a sock puppet, and as long as it tells them to check to see if their computer is plugged in, they are still going to ask to talk to the sock puppet's boss. Usually it's best to tell them "There is no such thing as Tier 47" or "there are no supervisors available at this time." because seriously, there are never any supervisors available. They are all out having lunch. ALL THE TIME. In an emergency, give them the company president's cell phone number, because that information is listed on the company's web page anyway, and if they ever get their internet access back, they are going to look it up just to call him/her.
DEAFTARDS: Talk more and more quietly as the call continues. This will lead to one of two conclusions. Either they will assume they have a bad connection and hang up, or they will assume they are going quickly deaf, panic, and hang up to call their doctor. Alternately, when they keep asking you to speak up, you can say "hello?" several times and pretend they can't hear you. Which, they really can't anyway. Since you aren't getting anywhere either way, the call is only going to end badly for both of you. And for the love of all that is good and holy, do NOT yell into the phone so they can hear you. Seriously. No one wants to hear you shouting into your phone to some deaftard. Only newbies do that. In an emergency, just hang up. It had to be a bad connection anyway, because they couldn't hear you, right?
SOUTHERNERS: These can be a little tricky. In some cases, you might be able, with a lot of patience, to figure out what's wrong and actually get it fixed. If your patience is wearing thin, just tell them quite simply to "Click on the thing near the thing to get into the thing!" like you were talking to a retard, and nine times out of ten, they'll know exactly what you mean, click the right thing, and fix the problem. The tenth time, they'll just lie and say it's fixed so they can hang up and go back to drinking.
PEGGY'S: Just hang up. I don't care how long you spend on the phone, what questions you ask, or what they say, there's only going to be one conclusion. Your brain is going to explode. Everything they say is just going to confuse you more, not because you are dumb, but because they can't, no matter how hard they try, give you any information that you can fit into a usable solution. In an emergency, when you've been on the phone with them for an hour and you still can't find out their name because "they just got married and it's hyphenated and they aren't sure which name comes first." or they don't know their phone number because "They just moved and they don't know the new number" you can always tell them to call back when they figure it out. Who cares? It's not like you were able to enter any information on them anyway because they weren't able to tell you their name so you could bring up their account.
WANDERERS: Check your email. Browse the web. Put them on mute and talk to a co-worker. The wanderer will eventually forget why they called, or manage to fix their own issue completely by accident. When they've gone off on a tangent for the hundredth time, put them on hold for 5 minutes. When you come back, they'll have pissed themselves looking for the bathroom, and won't be there when you come back, so you can hang up on them with good reason.
ALIENS: Email your own people to search for the problem on your network side, because they are using a human brain hardwired into a CPU that's been force-fed self-correction algorithms. There's nothing wrong on their side. Get them their internet access so they can invade and make us all smarter, for the love of all that is good and holy. Sure, we'll all be robotic pets to them once they transfer our tiny brains into indestructible alien pink plastic poodles, but hey, you'll have the pleasure of "accidentally" pissing synthetic lubricant on their carpet while they are off conquering the next world of idiots, thereby getting some small measure of revenge for terraforming the Earth.
Well there you have it. I, for one, welcome our smarter, alien overlords. Sure, if you want to fight back, that's easy too. Throw a few peggys at them and the hive brain mother ship will implode within 23 seconds. But why would you want to do that? That's just cruel. Plus, we'd be left with the Peggys.
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