Before I get into the review for today's movie, I want to remind everyone that it's International Coming Out Day. So if anyone out there is still in the closet, why not come out? There's good food out here! lol Seriously, to anyone in the LGBT community, you have my heartfelt support. I am not gay, bisexual, nor transgender, and frankly I still get a little freaked out inside if gay/bisexual/transgender guys hit on me, but that's because I am straight, and it's nothing against you guys. I hope you get all the rights you are looking for, and equal treatment under the law, and for the hate crimes to stop. Just because I am heterosexual, doesn't mean I am weird. :-) Of course, I AM weird, but it's not because I am heterosexual. lol
Now for the movie! Return of the Living Dead! HOLY CHRIST MAN! Best zombie movie ever. Seriously. Shut up, I don't even want to hear your arguments. As far as zombies go, this movie is THE SHIT. The zombies in this movie are fast-moving, intelligent, vicious fuckers that will tear the brains from your head and eat them before you can say HOLY SHIT IT'S A DEAD MIDGET! It's true. The only things worse would be demon-possessed zombies, and those kinds of zombies are one in a bajillion. These things, every one of them, thinks like a rabid, ravenously hungry cannibal intent on EATING YOUR BRAAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! :-o
This movie came out in 1985, and unlike the other zombie movies you may have seen, the zombies in this movie are not caused by a virus, voodoo, demons or supernatural events. No, in this movie, it's good, old-fashioned government incompetence that does it. Many of you guys are nodding your heads, thinking, Yep, if there's going to be a zombie apokyclipse, those boneheads in washington are sure to cause it. Yea, I agree. So here's what's going on...
Apparently, there was some chemical the army was using some years back. I forget what exactly they had intended the effects of the chemical to be, or what they were using it for, but an unintended side effect was discovered. It reanimated dead tissue. Needless to say, the army/military/whatever branch of the government was responsible for the experiments, tried to bottle up all the chemical into steel barrels and dump it somewhere safe. Unfortunately, a few of the barrels accidentally got delivered to a medical supply house in the middle of nowhere, and proceeded to sit there for about 14 years or so.
So Freddy, practically the first person we meet in this movie, is a new hire at this supply house, and his new boss is leaving for the day, leaving him in the care of his supervisor. So after the boss leaves, Freddy and his sup get to chatting, and the sup feels the need to show off the barrels to the new guy. Oh, the folly of humanity. So Freddy is all googly-eyed over the barrels with dead things inside and asks if the chemical that causes them to reanimate is secure inside the barrel. So his sup tries to convince him how sound the barrels are, and of course the seal breaks and the chemical sprays out like a gas under pressure.
Meanwhile, Freddy's buddies, a bunch of weirdo whackjobs who are nonetheless just cruising around looking for a good place to party, arrive across the street to wait for Freddy to get out of work, since Freddy ALWAYS knows a good place to party. So while they are waiting for Freddy to get out of work, they decide to party in the cemetary across the street...
Yea, some of you are already going "NO... OH GOD NO..." Yes. Yes. It's as bad as it sounds. I'm not going to go into any more of the movie, because there's very little of it that seems to slow down or drag, and it only lasts 91 minutes to start with, so it's pretty jam-packed with action. Hell, it inspired 3 actual movie sequels and 2 or 3 sci-fi movie of the week sequels, so it had to be a pretty decent premise to start with, and this movie started it ALL. That whole zombies going after brains thing? That was ALL from this movie. At least I think it was. Don't quote me on that. Or you can, but if anyone ever provides me with evidence to the contrary I am going to say you told me that and blame you for all of it. This movie also inspired one of the greatest love stories I have ever seen, Return of the Living Dead 3. No, shut up, for zombie movie aficionadoes (I have NO idea how to spell that word), the third movie in this series was beautiful and so heartbreaking... I fuckin CRIED man. Tears were rolling down my face at the end. People who don't like monster movies who can watch that movie and NOT cry, and call ME heartless, are the biggest hypocrites I have ever seen. (sniffs) Shut up. I have a cold.
There IS nudity in this movie. There's a scene rather early on, in the graveyard, starring a certain Linnea Quigly. Those of you who know anything about monster movies, your eyes just lit up. No, I don't care if you are a straight female, you got a little turned on when you watched her take off everything but her legwarmers and dance on top of the sarcophagus to heavy metal music, I know you did, because I was fapping like I'd just discovered how. And, since I was about 15 when I saw this movie, I probably had just discovered how. lol Linnea Quigly was a b-movie scream queen back in the 80's, and although I think this was one of her first movies, she was being referred to in certain circles as the next Jamie Lee Curtis back int he late 80's. Of course, it didn't quite turn out that way, and nowadays you can say Linnea Quigly and people look at you and go "Who?" Ah, well. She had a kickin' arse and the rest of her was pretty hot too. I mean, seriously, she literally spends the majority of the movie naked. I know you don't usually hear that outside of porno flicks, and maaayyybe some of the nudity is not necessary for the plot, but who cares? There's nothing like a scene where the zombies are chasing a bunch of people and you catch sight of a hot naked female ass in the middle of the group of people running for their lives. We need that scene in every movie, of any kind, I don't care if it's a sandra bullock romantic comedy, the sight of a hot naked female ass being chased down a hall just gets my blood pumping, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Anyway, awesome movie, cult classic, watch it and be thrilled, scared, turned on and amused all at once, because this movie does it all. Return of the Living Dead 2 was okay, but was almost a parody of this movie since it had the same two main actors back and the same thing happened to them and they made a comment like it felt like it had all happened to them before, and that just ruined the movie for me. But oh well. Return of the Living Dead 3 was TONS better, had a completely different cast, and like I said... best love story of all time. "Gone with the Wind" wasn't even close to the love in that movie. "9 1/2 Weeks" was 30 seconds of the missionary position by comparison. But seriously, go watch it for yourself and find out. But, uh, Return of the Living Dead was an awesome horror film, and again, Return 3 was more a love story, so it doesn't really count as horror. Oh well. Maybe I'll review it for Valentine's Day! lol
No comments:
Post a Comment