Unifying Theory of Ignorance

There's a bunch of physicists getting together right now, somewhere, and pondering how to predict everything that ever happens in the universe, from infinitesimally small scale occurrences to immense, universe-wide behavior, extending beyond our universe into multiple dimensions. They think they have a way to unite all the various laws, theories and problems with predicting the behavior of space time into a single theory that predicts everything, everywhere, and any time, past, or future, to infinity. Apparently, their latest big breakthrough is the idea that you can only measure the universe that you, yourself, can see. Which, if you extrapolate that, basically means the universe is different for everyone, all the time.

I'm not really sure whether that's brilliant, or the most obvious bit of dumbness I have ever heard in my life.

I say we need to get these guys together and get them to try and predict the weather, because goddammit, the weather on my own planet means a shitload more to me than the average temperature in a blank area of someone else's universe. I mean come on guys, we're talking a simple relatively closed system here. Not THE UNIVERSE. And we can't even predict that with any accuracy. Sure, the weatherman gets lucky every so often and nails the weather on the nose, but just as often, it's snowing when it should be sunny, and sunny when it should be raining, and they still have NO idea why. What the hell makes these guys think they can predict some universal theory for the universe when the weather on our planet eludes any possible attempt at prediction?

I'm not trying to say they shouldn't try. I mean, by all means, ponder the nature of the universe. Make bets on which way a quork will jump when you zap it with gamma rays and turn it into the incredible hulk. Because hey, if I could get away with wandering around a lab all day smokin ganja and zapping things with subatomic particles while sucking down about 150 grand a year of the government's money, hey, I sure as shit would be doing the same thing. Just, pass whatever shit you are smoking around, because it's the good stuff, okay? DAMMIT MAN!! YOU'RE A SCIENTIST!!! RELEASE THE GANJA FOR PEER REVIEW!!!!

I am so cold right now it's ridiculous. Did I mention I am at work, where there's SUPPOSED to be a controlled environment? Yea, i think they are so cheap they are saving money by turning off the heat in my cubicle. I have a sweatshirt on, the hood up, and my winter coat on and I am still frozen. Wait. Do I have pants on? :-o I don't know how these fruit flies can stand the cold. And that's another thing, there have been fruit flies circulating around the call center for MONTHS. How the hell can fruit flies survive when it's at most, 22 degrees in here? I swear my nipples just froze off, fell to the floor and shattered like they'd been treated with liquid nitrogen. That's right. I AM NIPPLELESS NOW. Is that even a workman's comp case? They would probably say I can still do my job without nipples, so it doesn't affect my ability to work, and not pay. Well goddammit, I LIKE RUBBING MY NIPPLES WHEN I WORK. Who doesn't? Sure, it disturbs people sometimes, but I think that blonde across the aisle from me is diggin it. Yeeeaaaah, baby. You know you want some o daddy's furry nipples. Ohhhh yeeeaaaaaahhhhhh. I mean, how the hell can I flirt with her without nipples? I can't even pull my moobs up to my chest now and lick the pencil-eraser-sized little buds because they are GONE NOW. I guess I'll just have to lick my areolas instead. I hope I don't get chest hair stuck in my teeth, that's so embarrassing.

Wow what a day. I don't know what's wrong with people this week, but we seem to be getting the stupidest possible people calling into tech support. I don't know whether it's just a failure of communication between me and the customer, but they seem dumber than usual this week. I've had people call in who not only don't know their email address with us, which is fairly common with our customers, but they DON'T KNOW THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER. Crazy, isn't it? What possible reason could they have for not knowing their own phone number, you ask? They said they NEVER CALL THEMSELVES! :-o Of course not. And you must never give out the number to anyone either, because no sane person would want to talk to you, apparently. Sigh. And that's not even the dumbest. That's an old dumbest. This week has risen to a new level of general stupidity on all incoming calls. I think my brain leaked out of my ears entirely. Now I don't have anything against dumb people. They are generally likeable enough people, and I'd happily down a few beers with them if I worked with them or something, but if you are dumb, don't blame me for it. I didn't make you dumb. Your momma did. Probably when she hit you too many times in the head when you were a baby. With a shovel. While trying to kill you. But it's NOT MY FAULT.

Oops! Meant to send this post out days ago. Ran into a vicious cranial infarction that sidelined me. Still dealing with it. No, my head did not have a heart attack, I simply have a recurring sinus infection that I am dealing with. OR, a persistent cold. It's hard to tell when you don't actually go to a doctor to get these things checked out.