Post-Oscars

Now, before you get all excited, this post isn't about the Oscars.

I didn't really watch the academy awards last night. I played cards. I did see sandra bullock win something but I only watched her because she is kind of cute, and I stared at my screen with longing while drooling on myself while demi moore presented some award or other. I'm not even sure she presented an award. She could have just stood onstage for a few moments and I don't think I'd have noticed what she was doing other than looking pretty damn good in that dress. In fact, if networks want a show that will sell, just put a camera on demi moore for 20 minutes. I don't care what she's doing, I don't even need sound, although hearing her voice would help me fap. Errm. But I digress.

SO in the days before the oscars, which, I did not know were coming up this weekend... Again, that whole, I'm a geek and you're not, so I have more exciting things to do with my time than watch TV thing I got goin on, and frankly, I am still damn proud of it... my friend asks me a question. "Scribey," he says to me, and I use the name scribey because I don't like using my real name online, the internet is all about anonymity dammit, and if I want to search for bestiality in the privacy of my own home, I shouldn't have my name tagged to every request for those pages. Anyway, he says to me, "Scribey me boyo (anbd suddenly he's irish, don't know what happened there, he's not even irish in real life), I have a little problem, ya see. I have this, shall we call it a theoretical question for ye. Let's say I have this friend, and me friend, he has in his possession, a, what do you call those there things, a nar-cot-ic, as they say. And this friend, he was a-wondering, if YOU had a narcotic, would ye take it immediately because you were bored, take it on saturday night to ease the pain of not goin out to meet a lovely lass, or save it til the oscars night so you could watch alec baldwin while under it's heavenly effects?"

Now of course, I replied "oh, the oscars are on this weekend?" And after he finished calling me a heathen and damning me to hell for all eternity, I told him I'd take the narcotics immediately. If it was me. Because I was bored, and there's nothing like spicing up an ordinary night with narcotics. Not that I have ever had any (except perhaps painkillers, and then only to kill pain, never to.. uh.. narco-tize my evening), or would ever do such a thing, you see, but it was a hypothetical question. I don't judge. I just answer.

He didn't like that answer. So apparently, he spent last night giggling insanely at alec baldwin. I, on the contrary, spent the entire friggin weekend hacking up a lung. Yea, the whole works, sore throat, hacking cough, lung congestion, head congestion, and I'm thinking, you know, this seems to happen to me a lot. A lot of you are facepalming right now. Okay, a lot of you meaning, those few who actually read this blog and those few of you who know I get sick a lot. I heard some actor on the oscars last night describe writers as sickly little mole-people, and I am definitely a sickly mole person. Little, well, not so much. But my point being, I think what's been happening is, the first few colds of the cold and flu season will instigate what I believe to be some sort of sinus cavity infection. There's no actual infection going on that I can tell, just those nagging cold symptoms we are all familiar with. it's just, once the cold and flu season gets a grip on my sinuses, it just won't let go. And cold weather only makes it worse. So it doesn't really clear up til, where I live, usually May when the weather warms up. Lovely, innit? I need to move to mexico, where it's warmer.

Then again, mexico is probably next on the list for those damn earthquakes. What's up with the earthquakes lately, eh? The Indian equivalent of the national enquirer ran a story about the USA testing it's earthquake generator on lesser countries, but I think they use the USA like we use Russia, to pretend they aren't real human beings over there, just vicious fearsome beings that think of us good americans like a nest of ants they have to exterminate. Just good old fashioned fearmongering to sell newspapers and win votes. OR, we do in fact have an earthquake generator and we're fine tuning it.

OR, a more disturbing option, I had heard, way back when they were first building the LHC (large hadron collider) over in europe, that the LHC was NOT going to make miniature black holes. This was from the physicists building it. At least, they HOPED it wasn't going to make miniature black holes, even though that would be AWESOME. To the physicists, who forget they are living on the ball of rock they are making black holes on. But the chances of making black holes was VERY REMOTE. And even if the black holes DID get made, they would shoot off into outer space. Or they would be so small that they'd have absolutely no effect. And even if they did, they'd wink out of existance immediately after being made. But, on the off chance they didn't do any of those things, one of two things would happen. ONE, it'd make a whole new universe that would explode at my times the speed of light which would obliterate us in an instant (so don't worry!), OR, the black holes would conglomerate in the earth's core and slowly gain mass until sucking the earth in and eventually our solar system. Early signs of this last impossibility would be... a.. series... of.. earthquakes... :-o

OH. SHIT.

PS: I am sure the recent spate of earthquakes is in no way related to the wonderful work those mad scientist, earth-destroying bastards over at the LHC are doing. Unless of course, the earthquakes get worse and worse over time and then we all fall into the black hole at the center of our planet. THEN, I'll be sure. There won't be anything I can do about it at that point, but dammit, I'll KNOW.