Post - Valentine's Day

I had originally intended this post for Valentine's Day, or shortly thereafter. However a cold derailed my posting plans and I am only now recovering from it. Hey it was a bad cold ok? I was, uh, sneezing and coughing and stuff. Like, really bad. Yea.

I was also busy on V-Day with other things. What? Did I get a girlfriend? Hell no! My blow up doll, Patches, got me some flowers (what, a man can't get flowers?) and I got her a skimpy negligee, however, she didn't get to try it on. I was so overcome with lust at her nude, plastic-skinned, inflated body that I leapt atop her and she popped. Again. Our love life is strewn with difficulties, but I will keep trying. Love, as they say, conquers all. In the meantime, does anyone have an old bicycle-tire pump? This cold is stealing all my air. I did, however, try the negligee on myself, and while I don't look as good in it as Patches would have, I'd still do me.

I have had many people ask me "Oh, beautiful scribe, why is it that you don't have a woman at your side this Valentine's Day? You are smart and sexy and lustfully made!" Well, all that is true, but I think it's my lack of skill with interpersonal relationships that has given rise to my issues. I can't tell you how many times a woman has asked me "Do these jeans make me look fat?" and I've replied "No, your ass does." Which, apparently, is something you are not supposed to say. Who knew? Women are so confusing, they want perfect honesty, and then when I am honest, they cry. So silly.

Here's a perfect example of why I have trouble relating to normal people, or anyone, for that matter. I come home early the other day from work due to a bad cough and my throat feeling like I have gargled with sulfuric acid. Since I answer the phone all day at work, and talking makes it worse, you can see how that would prevent me from doing my job. And my Mom is talking to someone on the phone, and she asks them "What does STDS stand for?" Being a single guy below the age of 75, I tell her "Sexually Transmitted Diseases." So she says "Oh, that makes sense." and then later on, she comes into my room, where i am sneezing, coughing, and generally trying to ward off the cold clammy touch of Death. While playing a game. Don't even start your shit, one, there was nothing wrong with my hands, just my throat, and two, if I am going to die, it's either going to be while having sex or playing a video game, because dammit, I am going to go out while having fun! So while Death is standing behind me tapping my shoulder, and I am ignoring him to play my game, Mom comes in and asks "What does the S stand for?" So I ignore Death and the game to answer her question because, come on, it's my mom, and anyone who knows mom knows she's like a cross between a bulldog, a bear and a mosquito. She just won't go away until you are drained of all life. I was close but not entirely drained, so after ascertaining that she meant the S at the end of STDS, I said "It means more than one." She didn't seem to understand this, just repeated her question. "If STD stands for Sexually Transmitted Diseases, what does the S at the end stand for?" I repeated myself, knowing this was not going to end well. You know that feeling? Like where you pull off the freeway and there's a sheet of ice at the end of the turnoff and there's about 15 cars piled in a smoldering heap at the bottom, and you gently apply the brakes and only go faster downhill, and you think THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL. Yes, I thought that. I should have just punched her dead in the face right there, but I can't do that, because I am reasonably civilized, and frankly, I was worried I'd never get homemade brownies again if I did. So I said "No no, STD stands for Sexually Transmitted Disease. The S means plural, like, more than one STD." To which Mom replies "But it's not a P, it's an S! If it stood for plural it would be a P not an S!" I blinked several times. I think my brain was still trying to process that last bit of stupidity, because my next example of how to illustrate more than one did not come out well. I said "No, Mom, what's the plural of... of... Fish?" Yea. I know. It's FISH. Shut up. You'd have been braindead after the comment about the P too. But no, I forged on ahead, hoping she'd be able to figure it out. "You know, FISH, FISHIES, FISH, FISHIES? STD, STD's, STD, STD's?" Okay, I know it wasn't my finest hour, but come on. It's a simple concept. There's either one, or more than one. So she repeats the question to me again, like I am an idiot. "What I'm asking is, what does the S stand for???" I assume it was either my blank stare, the drool coming from the corner of my mouth, or my ears bleeding that caused her next outburst. "Forget it, you obviously don't understand!" And then she stalks off. How I managed to restrain myself from grabbing an axe and hacking her to death from behind, I have no idea. I am sure that, if I believed in Heaven, my not doing so surely bought me a hallowed seat there. Plus, I don't know where the axe is. In any case, you can obviously see that I got my issues with communication from my parents. And I know, it seems like a copout to just blame everything on them, but seriously, I just gave you an example that illustrates my point. If you don't understand by now, you are also probably still wondering what the second S in STDS stands for.

So, in honor of Valentine's Day, and communicating with your loved ones, I was sent this multiple choice test by a friend of mine to determine my sensitivity levels. There were only answers A, B and C for each question, but those seemed insufficient to assess my particular level of sensitivity, so I added a D at the end of each question to give an example of what I myself would say.

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
D. YUMMY YUMMY BOOM BOOM! YUMMY YUMMY BOOM BOOM!! YUMMY YUMMY BOOM BOOOOOM!!!

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
D. A glance from across the bar. I can't remember names anyway.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss TSN Sports Centre.
D. You can actually get your pants off first this time.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
D. Something that could be even better with a partner.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
D. Hard to do when she's crying like that.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
D. Because she ate your whole gallon of pistachio ice cream, the fat thieving whore!

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
D. Gay.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
D. Rocky is to Fight Club.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship:
A. I hope we can still be friends..
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
D. Of course I'll call you. What was your name again?

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
D. Better close her eyes before the end if she doesn't want to be blinded for life!

There you have it. On the sensitivity scale, I am obviously way up there with one celled bacteria and some college-age flatworms.