Bioshock 2

I know, wtf is up with the game reviews, right?

Well SCREW YOU BUDDY. I'm a gamer. This is what I do with my free time. I make a decent wage, no honest girl would be caught anywhere near my rotting corpse, and fapping only takes about 30 seconds out of my day. And that's including finding and starting the sheep porn movie. I've never seen the end of it. I've only got as far as the part where the farmer grabs the sheep and ... oh god. I need to change my thong.

So I got Bioshock 2 last night. And it just came out yesterday so this game review is even like, current and up to the minute and shit. Wow. I am STATE OF THE ART, BABY!!!!! W00000000000000000000000T!!!!!!!!! First time in my life ever. Reminds me of my morning talk show I listened to on the way into work this morning. The guy is literally in the middle of his broadcast, stops to talk to the weather guy, and BAM his electronics freeze up. Yea, I don't know what happened but he said he got a Not Responding error, which probably means he's running on windows or something. lol So he finishes killing time with the weather guy, thinking it's all fixed, tries to play a song, and NOTHING. It was hilarious. He leaves the microphone, starts rummaging through a rack of CD's, and starts playing one. Yea, talk about old-school. Too funny.

Bioshock 2 might be considered fun. I don't recall because I started it, and then suddenly it was like 3 hours later and I had no recollection of what had happened to me the last three hours, except i had wet myself, and I was at a savegame screen. So I saved my game and changed my pants. I notice I have to do that a lot. Maybe I should buy stock in denim. Which means if Bioshock 2 can teleport me from my hellish world of reality to the hellish underwater world of bioshock, then it must be halfway decent, right? Either that, or I had a petit mal epileptic seizure for like 3 hours. Which... would explain the wet pants. Hmmmmmm.

So Bioshock starts out ten years after the first game. The first game, for those of you who haven't played it, and if you have a real life, I can udnerstand that, if you don't have a real life, get our nose out of the midget porn, man, Bioshock 1 was like the biggest game of the year when it came out, and generally rocked across the board. In Bioshock you started out as a passenger on a plane that crash-landed in the ocean. You survive the crash and swim to this lighthouse-looking thing, only to discover stairs down into this underwater city built by some whackjob tycoon back in the 50's. Anyway, in the city, shit's gone to hell in a handbasket because they have run amok with scientific discoveries and learned how to splice superpowers into your genes, only the drug that does it is not only addictive but psychotropic, so it's casued everyone to become insane, superpowered addicts. And unfortunately, to combat them, you have to take multiple doses of the same stuff yourself. Which is good because you can fight them, but bad because, to get more of this stuff, they have to harvest your blood and remove it. Now I don't want to go into a long detailed synopsis of the first game, but suffice it to say that you win by becoming a Big Daddy, armored in an underwater version of robotic armor, and proceed to detonate the city's self destruct mechanism before escaping.

Which is why I was so confused when they set the events of Bioshock 2 ten years after the first bioshock. I thought the city was gone, but no. Oh no. In the first game there are these little girls called... little girls, I guess... who run around sucking the psychotropic gene-altering drug out of dead bodies with gigantic syringes, and all the addicts are after them because they can harvest the drug for the addicts and are full of it themselves. Obviously the little girls wouldn't last long if not for the Big Daddies, which protect them as they run around stabbing gigantic syringes into dead bodies and sucking the blood out of them to process into the drug. So in Bioshock 2, you start out as a Big Daddy (not the one you turned into at the end of Bioshock 1), going about protecting your little girl, who ironically, happens to actually BE your little girl. Yes, as I understand it, and I may be wrong, but apparently you are actually this little girl's father, who has been turned into a Big Daddy as some sort of bizarre bonding experiment to get you to protect her better. So at the beginning of Bioshock 2, you run into your, well, your ex wife, I guess? In any case, she paralyzes you, steals your little girl, and then with her drug-induced superpowers, manages to force you to shoot yourself in the head. Talk about a messy divorce, eh?

What I don't get is, this Bioshock is set not only ten years after the original, but is also set ten years after you shoot yourself in the head. So.. apparently... you've been lying on the floor dead for ten years and just randomly decided "Okay, i been napping long enough! Time to get back to work!" Yea, I know I've only been in the game for 3 hours so maybe this is all explained later on but for right now it just seems downright silly. For one thing, I thought the undersea city (it's called Rapture) was destroyed at the end of the last game, so I have no idea why there's even still a city to go traipsing through, and why a skeletal mass of bone and armor would decide to rise up and go around searching for his lost daughter is a bit creepy. I mean, I suppose it's kind of nice playing a zombie, but doesn't that mean I would be immune to actually getting killed, and honestly, if I ever do find my daughter, what sort of dad would I be to her? It's not like anyone would hire a zombie, so I couldn't support her, and if she's ten years older then I'm that creepy, deadbeat dad that still thinks of her as a kid and who she doesn't want around because I smell bad. So, like most dads, I guess. And I'm not even getting into the whole "BRAAAAAIIIINNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" issue, because if i start devouring my daughter's brains, that brings a whole new meaning to the word AWKWARD. Plus, come on, think of the conversation at the dinner table. "Dad, are these my brains we're eating?" "MMMMMMMM BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII why yes honey, they are, would you like a second helping?" "Sure daddy, I'm a typical teenage girl, it's not like I ever use them anyway, and they are SO tasty!" "And completely fat free!"

Besides the sillyness, the game is pretty decent. I have no complaints with the gameplay in the single player version, and despite not completely enjoying playing as a lumbering Big Daddy, the effects are well done. You have a giant drill for your right hand that you can replace with other weapons, and your left can wield the same superpowers that the psychotic addicts use, so you can do dual attacks and attack combos as you progress in the game. The scenery is awesome, half the levels are afflicted with growing coral and there's other big daddies wandering about repairing random things, which was kind of absent in the first game. If you ran into a big daddy, chances are it was there to kill you. I think it was a nice touch and sort of explains why the whole city isn't gone, if these semi-robotic cyborg zombies are going around repairing everything. Of course, I haven't finished the game yet, but I'd be playing it now if I wasn't at work, so I can't say how it'll all turn out, but my initial review is positive.

Multiplayer is a little laggy. It works similar to single player only you start out as one of the addicts and work your way into a big daddy if you can, but the lag or glitchiness or wahtever the issue is, is kind of annoying. You'll be aiming at somcone and then POOF they are across the room, and it's not like they just jump there, it's almost like they teleport, because they are then moving smoothly and firing again. It's just odd. I'm not fond of how the gameplay is, either, it doesn't seem as polished as the single player game. But i give it good marks for effort, before you actually get into the multiplayer, there's a little prologue where you wake up in your apartment in the underwater city and you go around customizing your character like you were getting ready to go out on a date. lol So up until the point where I actually entered the arena and started the battle, i was amazed. After that, I wasn't so thrilled.

UPDATE: Okay, as I am getting on in the game, I am starting to notice some bugs. i can't tell if it's because I am using a trainer to cheat so i don't die and have unlimited ammo, or it's just an issue with the game, but the trainers I get are from a professional who gets paid for it, so I doubt it's an issue with the trainers. Basically, you tend to lose either the ability to use your drug-induced superpowers, or you lose your guns, and at this point in the game, i seem to have lost both at once and I turned off the trainer to see if it was causing it, so now I ran out of gas and can only bash people with my weapon arm. Which takes forever to kill them. Sigh. Well, I think the game is still decent, but until this whole trainer/game bug thing gets fixed, i'm stuck! More on this as the situation develops...