Tuesday, October 17, 2017

#17 - Neverknock (2017)

Some horror movies are about haunted houses, or haunted people, or haunted cars, or haunted replacement body parts.  There's even a few horror movies about haunted dolls.  I guess anything can be haunted, if you really think about it.  I try not to think about it.  It makes me pee myself, and then my tiger-striped furry thong underwear becomes haunted.  If that's not a horrifying image, I'm not sure what is.

Neverknock (2017) begins in 1986, where a trio of kids knock on a house on Halloween night, looking for candy and treats.  Next thing you know, the door flies open, the youngest kid disappears, and all hell breaks loose.  Thus begins the legend of Neverknock, the house you are never supposed to visit, never supposed to go up to the door, and never supposed to knock.  Of course, because this is a horror movie, you just know someone does.  In fact, it turns into a tradition for the kids in this town, to go up to the Neverknock door and...  knock on it.  Thrity years later, a bunch of new teens go up to the door to knock, and...  you guessed it!  All hell breaks loose.

This is another Syfy horror movie, but it's not horrible.  Special effects aren't bad, and neither was the acting.  Jodelle Ferland (Case 39, Dark Matter) is Leah, Dominique Provost-Chalkley (Avengers: Age of Ultron, Wynonna Earp) plays Grace, and Lola Flanery (I got nothin?) plays Jenna.  Props go to Syfy this week for having Leah and Grace be the first lesbian romantic couple I've ever seen in a Syfy horror movie.  At least, that seems to be the intention.  Things go haywire and the horror breaks out before anything goes anywhere.  I mean, this is Syfy, it's not like they're going to show full frontal nudity.  I'd watch Syfy a lot more if they did.  Dialogue was kind of forgettable, and I can't say I'd watch this movie again, because it wasn't really that good.  But hey, if you want to take a gander at the usual mix of attractive teens making stupid mistakes, catch this one on Syfy.  They'll probably show it again at some point this month.  They love showing their old movies over and over.

In other news, I still don't feel well.  I blame the flu, but it could be the fever.  Jury's still out on that one, and why a jury is deciding why I don't feel well, I'll never understand.  But I waved my haunted tiger-stripe thong at them, and they all ran away.  There's a horror move that needs to be made.  "The Haunted Tiger Stripe Thong of Dunsmere Road."  Best.  Horror.  Movie.  EVER!  Totally hope I get credited for that one.  I at least came up with the title.

That's all for tonight.  Catch you guys tomorrow, if I'm still alive.  I don't think the flu will get me, but the thong might.

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