Thursday, October 6, 2016

#5 - Deathgasm (2015), Luke Cage (2016)

Okay, as I may have mentioned before, finding a new movie to watch each day is the hardest part of my October Halloween Horror Movie Review-a-Thon, or OHHMRAT.  OHMRAT?  Sounds like an awesome name for a heavy metal band.  Speaking of heavy metal, let's get right to the review!

Deathgasm (2015) begins pretty simply.  There's a teen boy named Brodie who's a fan of heavy metal.  Brodie is living peacefully with his mum in New Zealand when his mom goes on a meth-fueled trip and tries to suck off a mall-store Santa Claus.  Hey, who hasn't, amirite?  Anyways, the authorities commit her to an asylum for treatment, and Brodie is sent to live with his uncle.  Brodie's uncle turns out to be a hardcore jesus freak, his Aunt and Uncle hate him, and Brodie's cousin is a violent assbag.  Brodie's life become a living hell.  Enter Brodie's friend Zakk, also a heavy metal fan, and the two of them manage to track down a retired heavy metal legend named Rikki Daggers.  As it turns out, all the hype about Death Metal being demon-summoning music turns out to be true, because Rikki Daggers has discovered the Black Hymn, a musical ritual for summoning Blind Aeloth, the King of Demons.  Rikki Dagger is being hunted by Aeon and his Areolae, errr, Aelites?  Uh, satanist cultists.  Yea.  So Rikki hands off the Black Hymn to Brodie to keep it out of Aeon's hands, and Brodie thinks the tune will be a great new hit for his death-metal band, Deathgasm.  You know what happens next.  Yup.  All hell breaks loose.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  This is why I only listen to Rick Astley and Celene Dion.

Okay, Deathgasm was actually kind of funny.  There's some nudity, and beating up demons with floppy rubber dildos, and somewhere in there is a little lost love story.  Basically, boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy plays song that ends the world, boy gets girl back, and then, now WTF are they supposed to do?  GAME OVER, MAN!  GAME OVER!  Did you guys know that, sometimes when you are riding the elevator up to the 28th floor of Mercy Hospital in the Left4Dead 2 game, Zoey busts out with "GAME OVER, MAN!  GAME OVER!"  and cracks up laughing?  I know Zoey isn't real, but god, damn, man.  Aliens movie quotes from a chick.  I think I'm in love.  Anyway, back to the review.

Totally unknown cast of actors, but this movie was made in new Zealand, so maybe they are more famous over there.  I hear Hollywood is basically a relic of the industry now, that there's movie production teams worldwide, and all of them are making their own movies.  Crazy times we live in, but it's probably a good thing.  Change is rough for us old dudes, amirite?  Right.  So, Deathgasm isn't exactly blockbuster-quality special effects, and at best, I would say, B-horror movie schlock, but hey, it's better than most of the Asylum movie I have seen.  Funny, like I said, and some nudity, so maybe worth a viewing, or maybe even two, just for the humor.  Sadly, the high school chick (Medina) that Brodie likes never gets naked, but, oh well.  She does seem to be pretty hot.  Deathgasm is on Netflix if you want to check it out.

In other news, I finally finished watching Luke Cage.  The ending does get a little better, but nothing surprising.  As I said, Luke Cage is all about Stereotypes, and they follow the stereotypical rules to the end.  At least the last 2-3 episodes weren't filled with the N-word so much, which made them easier on my poor ears.  I think I'd have gone a different way at the end, but it was pretty predictable, either way.  I don't know, maybe I'm used to the twists and turns writers put into stuff to make it unpredictable, and therefore, exciting, and this didn't have any of that.  Meh.  Maybe I'm spoiled, and twists are only for us rich white folks (and I'm poor as shit)?  Maybe the good people of Harlem can't afford to put good twists into their stories?  Is that the lesson Luke Cage is trying to pass off?  I'm not really sure what the predictability of Luke Cage was trying to tell me.  Maybe I missed the lesson learned, but isn't there supposed to be a moral to these stories?  "Don't take drugs," or "Stay in school," or "Be careful what you wish for," or "Never use a piece of music called the black hymn to summon world-ending demons," all good lessons to be learned, but Luke Cage doesn't seem to have any of that.  No twists, no turns, no outstanding characters, no non-stereotypes, no morals, no excitement.

Why the fuck did I just waste 13 hours of my life watching Luke Cage?  Jesus Christ.  I'd rather watch Deathgasm for 13 hours, at least there were some funny parts, and a little nudity.  Would I watch Luke Cage again?  Hell, no.  I think Rosario Dawson is hot and all, but whoever wrote Luke Cage just blacked-up the stereotypes and let the chips fall where they may.  Right into the standard predictable spots.  Ugh. I feel so dirty.  It's like spending 13 hours sweating your ass off in summer school, going over the same shit you learned during the school year, when all you wanted was to go to the pool and swim.  That shit's fucked up.  Thank god I was never actually in summer school.  I can't recommend Luke Cage to anyone, now, and it's a goddamm superhero story!  Marvel dropped the ball, here.  I don't think even Squirrel girl could save this shit.  If there's a Luke Cage season 2, I don't think I'm even going to bother.  Too much use of the N-word, too stereotypical, and too damned boring.  Maybe the Iron Fist series will be better.  Hey, Marvel, why not make Iron Fist a girl?  Women can do martial arts, too!  And Iron Fists's mystical skill can easily be transferred to the next heir to K'un L'un!  Come on marvel, stop making Thor and Hulk into women and do something right for a change!  Shit, the minute Disney bought you guys, everything you touched started to turn to shit.  But what the hell do I know?  I'm just an out of work tech support geek.

That's all for tonight.  Wish Luke Cage would have been better, but I guess they can't all be gems.  Some of them have to suck balls, or the really good stuff doesn't stand out, right?  Right.  Like Eddie Murphy says in Vampire in Brooklyn, "If every day is a sunny day, then what's a sunny day?"  Eddie also goes on to say that Evil Is Good, and that you can push a two-dollar whore to the edge.  Eddie knows.  He needs to make a sequel to that shit.  Vampire in Brooklyn 2, now that's a movie I'd watch! Til tomorrow, horror movie fans.


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