Sunday, July 31, 2016

Deadpool, Spectre, Sharknado 4

Oh, yea, I saw Deadpool.  Forgot to mention that, last post.  Been a busy month.  So let's start with that one.

Deadpool (2015), in case you haven't heard, is about Ryan Reynolds putting on a superhero costume and playing himself.  Or, a guy who finds out he doesn't have very long to live, goes to a superhero jump-starter program (seriously) and ends up with some kind of mutant healing thing (like wolverine) that helps him survive.  Honestly, I found the whole plot to be rather convoluted, but it's really a love story.  Yea, I know.  I tried to tell my mom it was a love story to get her to watch it, but she didn't believe me, either.

There was a lot of talk on the internet about Ryan Reynolds being born to play this part, but I've seen Ryan Reynolds playing Green Lantern and it really just seems like the same guy, so, maybe it's just a case of a sarcasm meets red latex.  Morena Baccarin plays Deadpool's love interest, and she seems pretty cool, and is also just plain pretty.  There's a bit of a revenge story thrown in there, and Colossus and some other apprentice X-Man shows up to help.  Sort of.  Other, than that, your basic boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-ends-up-fighting-for-girl-against-mutant-super-villain story.

I thought Deadpool was okay.  It was a comic book story for adults, which is rare in today's day, since Disney bought Marvel.  Enjoyable watch, some funny moments, but not otherwise outstandingly spectacular.  Would I watch it again?  Meh.  Not sure if it's that exciting.  Didn't even seem as well-done as the other superhero movies, and kind of felt longer, like it dragged in parts.  Not even sure where I caught Deadpool, to be honest.  Watched it while visiting relatives, sooooo, yea.  Got nothing.  Moving on.

Caught Spectre (2015) on Epix, I think.  Spectre is another Daniel-Craig-pretending-to-be-a-straight-James-Bond-and-failing movie.  I think his acting has improved slightly since I saw Casino Royale, but I wouldn't bet money on it.  Maybe I'm just used to him delivering his lines like he was a cheap extra in a bad zombie movie.  This time, Bond tracks down a ring that leads him to Spectre, one of Sean Connery's arch-enemies from his run of movies back in the 60's.  I think Daniel Craig is trying to mimic Sean Connery's style of Bond movies, but he's just doing such a god-awful job, I can't tell.  As you can guess, I'm not a huge fan.

Can't quite recall what happened during this movie.  There were some badly-acted fight scenes.  Some badly-acted explosions.  Some badly acted...  other things that happened.  The bond girl wasn't even that attractive this time around.  At this stage in the game, I think my 83-year-old mom could end up a Bond girl and somehow end up lending some class to the series.  And I'm not even that big a fan of my mom.

One thing I found absolutely ridiculous (and that made me just ignore the rest of the movie) was that Bond gets his head drilled by a Spectre agent...  And yes, I'm giving away spoilers.  It doesn't matter.  The one or two people who read my blog regularly won't give enough of a shit to actually care that I ruined this movie, because they agree that's it's a steaming pile of bat guano...  So, Bond gets his head drilled, in several places, and just hops off the table and gets up to continue kicking ass like it was nothing.  No.  I'm pretty sure if you get a hole drilled into your brain, you're going to at least need some recovery time.  Yes, longer than 22 seconds.  He wasn't even bleeding.  Big, sad sigh for whoever wrote that ridiculous shiat.  Quit your day job, and take up something that requires less thought, because you're not up to it.  End spoilers, and please, someone take the bond series out back and shoot it in the head.  Put it (and us) out of its misery.

Did I enjoy Spectre?  Would I watch it again?  Are you kidding?  I'm sorry I watched it in the first place.  Moving on.

Sharknado 4 (2016) is another steaming pile of bat guano.  Okay, I thought 2 and 3 were bad.  What began as a novel but ridiculous idea (sharks being sucked up into a tornado and staying alive enough to eat people as the storm sweeps through LA), has been dragged out long enough.  You're beating a dead horse, people (or jumping the shark, as the case may be).  I get that Syfy (and Asylum entertainment, who produced this)  are trying to wring as many dollars out of this thing as they can, but come on.  The ideas can't be all gone, can they?

Do we really need to see Ian Ziering batling through another wave of flying sharks?  His whole family's been replaced by a new slew of actors, though David Hasselhoff returns to play Ian's dead, and sadly, these two actors are the only ones anchoring the entire movie.  Look, they've been in movies before, they are veteran actors, and I know work is sometimes hard to find, but, well, let's be honest, these guys are not Oscar-winners.  Anchoring an entire movie around them is kind of risky.  Thankfully, my one spot of enjoyment in the movie was watching Carrot-Top get eaten.  No offense, Carrot-Top, I thought your stand-up routine was mildly funny at one time, but you're like a scary, annoying clown at this point.  You should totally go with that.  The scary-annoying-clown thing.  You'd be a great Pennywise.  Alexandra Paul (and someone else probably from baywatch) show up for 5 minute cameos and joke about their baywatch past with David Hasselhoff, but I could feel the shame radiating from these poor people, slutting themselves out for money.  I hope they got paid well for selling their souls, and I don't fault them for their bad decisions.  They're obviously hard-up for work.

In one movie, they manage to go from a Dust-Devil to a Sharknado to a boulder-nado to an oil-nado to a fire-nado (Yes, finally, a real type of nado), to a nuke-nado (with radioactive sharks).  And no, don't worry about the spoilers.  It's just ridiculous.  I stopped watching when the 5-year-old pulled a toy saw out of a plastic rock like Arthur yanking out Excalibur, and proceeds to gut sharks.  With a plastic chainsaw.  That was in a plastic rock.  Sitting in the middle of a field.  For no particular reason.  For god knows how long (presumably until the boy-king was able to come along and pull Excali-Saw from the stone, and the kingdom of Sharkington was saved).  Jesus.  H.  Christ.  On a popsicle stick.

On the plus side, all this happened at Niagara Falls, and they mentioned my hometown of Buffalo, New York!  Yay!  So, there's that.  And Carrot-Top getting eaten.  Those were the only high points.

That's all for this time.  Yea, several stinkers in this bunch.  I have been trying to watch Bloodlines on Netflix, but I thought it was something of a murder mystery.  Then I found out it's a soap opera.  Yeah.  I'm sad now.  There's a second season, but after realizing the soap-operatic-style-shiat was just going to keep continuing, I gave up before finishing the first season.  Nobody interesting in Bloodlines, but the story starts out good before going rapidly downhill.  Maybe I'll just cancel my Netflix subscription until they actually come up with some good programming, since I've already watched stranger things.  It'll be a good year before the next season, if there is one, so I have time.  Can save a year's worth of money!  heh

Halfway through summer, and I'm bored and hurting.  Hope you guys are doing better than I am.

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