Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Review - Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Okay, I don't normally do this.  But I haven't seen anything fun to watch lately, and dammit, I'm just going to say it.

Stephen Colbert is no David Letterman.

I don't know what I was expecting.  I know he's not a comedian.  I guess I got spoiled by years of talk show hosts honing their talents on stage doing stand-up comedy routines.  Even Jay Leno, who I don't think was ever particularly funny, at least put in some time doing stand-up routines before getting his Tonight Show gig.  At least, I think he did.  I seem to remember him at least being in a comedy movie with Pat Morita at one point.  In any case, I guess maybe what I'm missing is the big monologue.

Stephen Colbert didn't really seem to have one.  He just came out, danced a little, like Ellen (and even Ellen Degeneres was a stand-up comedian before she started a talk show), and then sat down and started plugging Hummus and eating oreos.  To be fair, I like neither hummus, nor Oreos, so perhaps I am a bit prejudiced.  And then, of course, he trotted out Donald Trump snippets until I began to get nauseous and then brought George Clooney in to talk about...  nothing.  And his next guest is Jeb Bush, which just brings actual politics into it.  And as we all know...

I hate politics.

I know it's his first show.  I know there's probably no format yet.  I know the show will probably get better, because let's face it, there's no where to go from this point, but up.  But, I also know he's had over three months to get his shit together.  And probably longer than that to plan it all out.  So if three months of work gets me five minutes of Donald Trump snippets and Stephen eating oreos, then he needed about two or three years more preparation.

He's got one running gag that seems moderately interesting.  There's a guy in the audience, Les Moon-something-or-other, that supposedly owns CBS.  Maybe it is the guy who owns CBS.  I have no idea.  I could trip over the guy's dead body and not recognize him, so don't ask me.  He's got his hand on a lever that shuts off Stephen Colbert and turns the Mentalist back on, because apparently the Mentalist has been showing in the Late Show spot all summer.  Honestly, the two snippets of the Mentalist that I saw DID look much more interesting than the Stephen Colbert show.  Of course, I haven't ever really watched the Mentalist, but the show now looks kind of interesting in comparison to Stephen Colbert.

Something else I'd like to say...  Jeb Bush reminds me of Ned Beatty.  He really does.  Not sure why.  Perhaps his way of speaking reminds me of some character Ned played in a movie once.  Hmmm.  Moving on.

And the show is pretty much over.  A non-conversation with George Clooney, and a brief pitch by Ned Beatty for presid... uh, I mean, Jeb Bush for president.  Meh.  I think I'd rather vote for Ned Beatty.  Shit, even Warren Beatty in Bulworth probably would've gotten my vote before Jeb.  But who am I kidding?  I don't even vote.  Why don't I vote, you ask?  Mostly because I'm given a choice between Dumb and Dumber, and just like the movie with Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, I'd rather not involve myself with such idiocy by partaking in the process of even watching it, let alone thunking a lever in some neglected booth somewhere and being at least partially responsible for giving some idiot power over my own life.  Seriously, why would anyone do that?  Do you really think the guy or girl you're voting for actually gives a rat's ass if you get what you want out of life?  NO!  They just want your vote!  Once they have it, they are going to do whatever they want with the power you just gave them, and to hell with you, because you don't matter anymore.  You've thunked your lever.  Bah.  Politics.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.  Moving on.

So, let's recap.  Stephen Colbert's monologue, nonexistent.  Stephen Colbert's humor, nonexistent.  Stephen Colbert's connections with his guests, not present.  Well, looks like nobody showed up for roll call, so we might as well cancel the class for the season.  Shall we take bets on how quickly CBS replaces him with someone else?  I hope it's soon.  I'm not even trying to be politically correct here, but surely we could find a woman to do his job, couldn't we?  Give Alyssa Milano her own talk show!  Sure, she hasn't been a heart-throb since the maybe the 1990's, but dammit, I could probably stand to listen to her speak for an hour.  Well, unless she kept rambling on about sports.

I hate sports.  And yes, I know, football season is starting.  Don't get me started.  (shakes head sadly)

Well, a piss-poor review of a piss-poor late night TV talk show, and not even close to a horror movie, but let's be honest here, we can't spend all our lives just watching horror movies.  At some point, you have to toss in a Godzilla movie, just for variety.  So this is my variety, and hopefully, after this, it'll be all about action movies, horror, and sci-fi.

I can only hope, because do you seriously think I want to be watching and reviewing Late Night Talk Shows?  Blech!  I'd rather eat paint chips.  Until next time, when hopefully I can find a better subject for review.

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