Friday, October 31, 2014

Horrorthon Review #30 - VHS (2012) and VHS 2 (2013)

Surprise Double feature!  Okay, I kind of knew it was coming, but you guys didn't.  So.  It's a surprise for you.  I had planned on more double features throughout the month, but as always, there's just never enough time to watch ALL the horror movies I want to watch.  You'd think being unemployed and all, I'd have tons of time to kill watching horror movies, but, no.  No.    heh.  "Kill watching horror movies..."   Sometimes, I am just unintentionally funny.  One has to pick and choose what one watches, doesn't one?  And why the fuck am I talking about myself in the third person?  Meh.  Anthologies always did kind of ruin my brain.  I think I'm stupider for having watched them.

VHS (2012) is a horror found-footage anthology.  Basically, a bunch of morons are filming themselves breaking shit (as morons will do) and they decide they need more money to pay for breaking shit, so they go into this house to rob a VHS tape.  Apparently, someone will pay big money for this tape.  What tape?  What's on the tape?  It's never discussed.  The morons break into a house with an old man in it, and find him dead in front of a bunch of TV's and a few VCR's.  I didn't think VCR's even still existed, but what do I know.  So they start playing the VCR tapes to find the right one (which is just dumb considering they have no idea what they are looking for, but since I've been referring to them as morons, well, there you go), and that's where you get your stories from.  The wraparound story about the morns breaking into the house just doesn't go anywhere.  Apparently the dead guy isn't dead, or he is, but he's a zombie?  It's never really discussed, but the morons start disappearing one at a time.

VHS 2 (2013) doesn't exactly continue the story, but picks up with what appears to be a private investigator and his assistant, looking for a missing college kid.  They don't really find him, exactly, but what they do find in his house is a stack of VHS tapes and a laptop recording images of the college kid they are looking for.  The investigator begins searching the house, and sets his assistant to watching the VHS tapes to look for clues.

Okay, remember when I said I hate found footage?  Yea. I hate it worse now.  I also hate anthologies.  So basically, what's going on here is this.  A bunch of really cheap film-makers decide to keep their stories short, to save on filming costs, and THEN, decide to go with found-footage technique, to save on special effects costs.  So what you end up with are really short flicks, with poor acting, ridiculously (and purposely) bad camera work, and the cheapest, most off-screen special effects you've ever (not) seen.  After watching both VHS, and its sequel, VHS 2, I think I've gone blind from the shaky camera work and blurry visuals.  I just have one question.  You've got a button-cam.  You're wearing it.  How the HELL does the camera keep going in and out of focus while you're standing there?  It's not like there's a telephoto lens attached to it that you're trying to focus!  Jesus.

Let me just give a little recap of the anthology stories involved here.  There's a zombie outbreak in a state park.  There's a Philippine religious cult.  There's an alien invasion.  There's a vampire attack in a hotel room.  There's a murder/robbery.  There's a ... well, a thing caught on film in the woods.  Honestly, you know what questions I would be asking myself, if I actually saw any of these tapes in anyone's collection and even thought they might be real recordings?  How the hell do you have an alien invasion, a zombie apocalypse, and a demon brought to earth, and not have anyone else find out about any of it?  What, it just shows up on some VHS tape in a college guy's room, and that's the first anyone' ever heard of it?  Yea, right.  Another thing I found myself asking is, it's obvious these recordings were made on a variety of media.  Digital cams, phones, cameras, just about anything.  So...  why are all the recordings transferred to VHS tapes?  Isn't that just a little ridiculous?  Sure, I think I might have an old copy of The Terminator on VHS tape somewhere in my house, but I threw out my VCR some years ago.  Who would bother transferring what is obviously a digital computer recording onto a VHS tape so someone, who might still be using a VCR, could play the tape?

Okay, what did I like about these two films.  Lots of nudity?  I can't really say anyone was particularly hot, but there was a fair amount of nudity.  The two girls in the segment set in the forest weren't bad, but the rest weren't exactly Zoe Saldana, you know what I mean?  There was one segment about a guy who gets an electronic eye installed to replace a real eye, and starts seeing dead people.  The segment was pretty dumb, but the house it was set in was pretty awesome.  Hmmmm, I think that was it?  Meh.

Okay, no more anthologies for me, and I'm going to try and stay away from found footage from now on.  Sure, it's probably the wave of the future, in that it saves a tremendous amount of money on, you know, actual cameramen, special effects, and acting (since the camera isn't really on the actors much, who needs acting skills?) and since the production companies are all money-grubbing, greedy slobs who don't give a rat's ass about quality, only cash, I guess we're going to see more and more found footage crap popping up.  Why do you think we don't even have VHS tapes anymore, or use writable DVD's to record movies?  Because someone can make a buck selling movie DVD's, and the cable companies wanted to charge you an extra fee for digitally recording what they broadcast, even though they're already charging you for broadcasting it to your house, anyways.  Maybe broadcasting isn't the right word when you've got cable, but, whatever.  Well, I'm not watching found footage anymore.  I'm just not.  Screw it.

You like found footage?  Watch VHS 1 and 2 and be cured of your liking for it.  All praise to the inventor of the Steadi-cam used in real movies.  Amen, hallejulah.

One more night!  I have an idea for another double feature tomorrow, but I don't know if it's going to work out.  Maybe I can try and get it done earlier in the day, so if the movies suck balls, I can review something else for Halloween.  We shall see how things go.

That's all for tonight!  And it's one minute before midnight.  Go me!  :-)

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