Okay, there's two kinds of movies that I really hate.
The first kind is an entire movie where it's just a dream sequence. Some character in the movie has a bad dream, and they show the entire thing for an hour and a half, and then, the character wakes up and it's just a bad dream and nothing in the movie ever really happened. If I wanted to see dream sequences, I can just shut my eyes and lay my head on a pillow.
The second kind of movie I hate is one where the film-maker is just fucking with you. Saw (2004) is a good example, and I'm going to spoil the shit out of that movie for you if you haven't seen it yet. It starts out good enough, and you think it might be a decent, but gory sort of torture-porn thriller, and what's really going on is, the director is fucking with your head. You think the killer has to be there somewhere, and it has to be one of the characters in the movie, and you watch the whole movie, looking for clues, and it points everywhere but at the corpse on the floor in the first scene, which actually turns out to be the killer. I groaned in disappointment when I realized that the killer had supposedly drugged himself, and left himself laying on the floor of the room, unconscious, while two guys were there with a gun, and hacksaws. There's no freakin way a control-freak psychopathic killer, who's supposedly planned every last detail, is going to drug himself and lay down on the floor where two men are chained up. What if one of them just fired the gun to see if it worked and ended up shooting the supposedly dead guy on the floor? There goes the jigsaw killer and all half-dozen of the Saw sequels. So, what that movie was doing was simultaneously adhering to the most ridiculous tenet of many murder mysteries (that the least likely suspect is always the killer), and also fucking with your head at the same time, because there's absolutely no indication that the bloody body on the floor that isn't even breathing, is the real killer in the movie. It's just ridiculous. I haven't watched any of the Saw sequels since seeing the first one, just because I found the movie so ridiculous, and because it was basically just torture-porn, which I don't like. Give me a real monster and a good plot, not just people severing their own body parts.
Mine Games (2012) was a new addition to the Netflix lineup, and was supposedly popular, but it's one of those mind-fuck movies. Typical plot, a bunch of drunken kids head off to the boondocks to meet up with their friends and party after graduating college. Near their vacation home they find an abandoned mine and go investigating, and then the bodies start turning up.
I've had to leave the synopsis purposely vague, but I'm going to spoil the shit out of this movie because I can't make a lick of sense out of the damned thing. And yes, spoilers to follow. First off, who the hell goes out to camp, in the woods, with a guy who's clearly not taking his anti-psychotic medication? And lets him freakin drive the damned vehicle out there so that nobody except the crazy guy knows where the hell they are? Second, some guy is picking on the girl who brought a suitcase with wheels to go camping with, and yet, they are all going to a huge goddamned mansion in the middle of the woods to hang out and drink. Why do they all think they are going camping when clearly they are going to a huge mansion in the middle of the woods? Three, how the FUCK do you buy enough gas to run a gigantic goddamned mansion in the middle of the woods with a gas-powered electrical generator? It's ridiculous. Even the food in the fridge would be spoiled when you ran out of gas, and they didn't even bring food. Fourth, if there's no power, where are they getting the fresh water from? Fifth, why the hell do you go into an abandoned mine that's clearly marked with a MINE CLOSED sign when you KNOW your cell phones don't work? I mean, you're just begging for an accident, and with no cell reception (and no vehicle at that point), whoever gets hurt is surely going to end up in a bad way before you can get near any help. Seven, who the hell goes for gas in the middle of the night? Eight, how the hell do these people see in the middle of the night when the generator goes out? Look, I've had my power go out just in my tiny house, and in the dead of night, you can't see SHIT. Fuck that moonlight business. I don't care if the goddamned moon is big and bright (deep in the heart of Texas!), when you're inside, moonlight just doesn't get in there, you know what I'm saying? Yet the minute the lights go out in the woodland mansion these kids are all "Come on, we better go see if we can find some more gas for the generator" and have absolutely no difficulty wandering around in the dark. And what about the psycho running around the mineshafts, because you KNOW there's no goddamned moonlight shining down underground? Does he need a light to see by? NAH! Just run along full-tilt with drop-offs and barrels and boxes and crates and mining equipment and rock walls all around you, and not bump into or trip over a thing! You're fine! Bullshit.
I'm not even going to discuss the time-travel aspect of this movie, because there's absolutely no explanation for why it's happening, what's going on, or why the medium (who channels the dead) should be clue-ing in to some weird time-travel warp-loop-thing, because none of that makes any sense, either. Suffice it to say, there's no monsters, precious little nudity, and fuck-all of a story line. Nuff said. Not watching this one again, not even to try and figure out wtf is going on, because it's not worth it. The film-maker is just dicking you around, like all those guys who watched Lost for 7 or eight years and found out it was all just a bunch of Bullshit at the end. Me, I got bored of Lost after the first episode, and I'm bored with movies that just want to fuck with you because they can. Of course the movies can fuck with you. When you control everything that the viewer and the characters in the movie see, hear, and feel, you're going to be able to fuck with some people's heads. I mean, DUH. Don't fuck with my head. Just fucking entertain me with a good story and a cool monster and don't leave me trying to figure the fuck out what the hell was going on and if I just imagined the whole movie, because that's just goddamned annoying. End spoilers!
Sure, the acting was meh, and at least it wasn't found footage, but wtf, guys. At least have the damned movie make some sense. I feel so ripped off, and somehow, sexually violated. Maybe someone slipped a roofie into my supper. Wait. I made my own dinner. Can you unknowingly roofie yourself? I wonder if I'll remember what I did to myself in the morning? Should I hope I enjoyed myself, or is that just weird?
In other news, having another rough few days. Got a headache, a cold, and a sore throat. Blech. Probably mildly depressed at the moment, as well. Woohoo time to wallow in my own misery for a day or two before I get better. I don't get many chances to wallow. Normally I'm pretty goddamned chipper. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts, even if it does come with a sore throat and a headache. Like I mentioned in my review of Vampire in Brooklyn a couple nights back, that sermon the Vampire made, the one that reminded us that you can't have light without the darkness to compare it to? I'm going to enjoy my few dark days so that when I get well and the depression goes away, my happiness seems all the sweeter! And yes, enjoying my own misery does kind of defeat the purpose of the misery, but at least it cures my depression, if not the headache and sore throat. So, it's all good.
We do live in a world of opposites, don't we? Sometimes, I just wish there was a bit of shining sanity to compare all the dark insanity to, because it seems we've precious little sanity around the world in this day and age. And now I've depressed myself again. :-(
That's all for tonight. Going to drown my misery in cough drops, tylenol and computer games. Catch you guys tomorrow night.
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