Shark Week Review - Sharknado 2 (2014)

Okay, I didn't post last weekend.  But don't take it personally.  I love you guys!  I really do.  And most of you I don't even know!  So, just assume I am drunk.  Also, I couldn't find anything good to write a review of last weekend.  Hey, let's face it, sometimes there's just shit to watch on TV.  And on Netflix.

This week is, of course, Shark Week.  Not that I ever paid any attention to it before, really.  Sharks aren't my thing, unless there happens to be a drunk girl skinny dipping in the ocean who gets eaten by one.  Yes, "Jaws," I'm looking at you.  The original Sharknado, of course, was supposedly a huge smash back when it premiered last year on Syfy.  I watched it back then, I think I even reviewed it at some point, but I didn't think it was such a huge phenomenon.  I mean, let's be honest here, Syfy has pretty much combined every single thing they could think of with a tornado to make a movie out of it.  Alien Tornadoes, Radioactive Tornadoes, Nanobot tornadoes, there was even talk of a Stonado movie.  Which, of course, since tornadoes pick up random debris such as stones and throw it at you at 200 miles an hour anyways, pretty much means your standard tornado.  Last I heard, Stonado was dropped.  However, I think they are making a Firenado.  Which, considering vortexes made of fire are an actual thing, and have been around in firestorms for many years, I'm surprised that Syfy is so behind the times on that.  Firenado may turn out to be one of the better Syfy productions, but we're not here to review that today.

The original Sharknado wasn't bad.  I'm rewatching it now.  Mostly, I like the humor provided by the old drunk at the bar before the actual sharknado starts up.  I'm sad that he gets killed midway through the flick.  Frankly, I was hoping he'd hook up with that barmaid who was after Ian Ziering through the whole movie, but alas, he didn't make it.  He wielded a bar stool like no one I have ever seen, before or since.  Also, the barmaid was pretty hot.  Scars and all.  So there's two reasons to have enjoyed the original.  Hot chicks, and humor.  Plus, there's, you know, shaaaaaaaaarks.  And tornadoes.  So.  there's that.

Also, you get to see the hot chick covered in shark blood!  I think Shark blood is like, an aphrodisiac or something, so, she's probably very horny right then.  If you've read my Hatchet 3 review, you know I have this thing about semi-clothed women covered in blood.  Yea.  I'm a horror movie geek who doesn't get out much.  What the hell else is supposed to turn me on?  Come on, do the math.  Hey, I'm not a sicko or anything.  I haven't killed anyone in at least a week, as far as you know.

Ian Ziering or whoever he is, plays the hero in the original.  Tara Reid plays his wife.  I don't know who plays the hot bartender chick.  The acting isn't stellar, I mean, none of these people are going to win an academy award for Sharknado.  And if they do...  Something's gone seriously wrong.  Another thing I like about sharknado is the constant Jaws references.  "Six people went into the water... five people came out.. THEY ATE MY GRAMPA!"  Then there's "We're going to need a bigger chopper."  Yea, good stuff.  Reminds me of a few hours ago, when I was watching Piranha (1978) and the girl investigator at the beginning was playing Jaws the Video Game.

Before I get into the sequel, let me just revise my review of Hemlock Grove on netflix.  I said I liked it, and mostly I do because of Famke Janssen, but honestly, the second series had me going WTF a lot, especially at the end.  It was dull, it was slow-paced, and the end sort of, well, just went badly with everything else.  Nothing was really explained.  Very unsatisfying.  I guess I have to wait for season 3.  On the flip side, the Strain, which I also reviewed, is getting better.  It's growing on me quite a bit, and you too, can get infected by it's drama on sunday nights at 10 on FX.

Now, on to Sharknado 2!  Warning, this is a real-time, as-I-am-watching-it review, so there may be spoilers (I'll try to keep it vague) and disjointed comments.  They'll make sense if you watch the movie.  Or, maybe they won't.  I can be a little weird.

Ian Ziering and Tara Reid are back for the sequel!  Man, it's like getting Clark Gable and Scarlet O'Hara back together again for Gone with the Wind 2!  Yea, I never really watched Gone with the Wind, so I'm just guessing here.  Funny stuff happening already in Sharknado 2!  Twilight Zone references!  "THERE"S SOMETHING ON THE WING OF THIS PLANE!"  I think they just took everything that ever happened in the movies back in the 70's and 80's, and made a movie out of it.  HOLY CRAP!  The pilot of the plane is the guy from AIRPLANE!  ROBERT HAYS!  SWEET JESUS GOD ALMIGHTY!  I thought he was dead!  Oh, well... he is now.  The pilot, not the actor, I hope.  Was that Wil Wheaton that just got eaten?  I thought he was dead!  And when did Ian Ziering learn to fly a plane?  There's more plot holes in this movie so far than there are holes in that airplane.

And now the intro credits.  I like how Kari Wuhrer gets bigger billing then Tara Reid.  She is admittedly a bigger star, and one of the main reasons I am watching Sharknado 2.  I've had a thing for Kari Wuhrer ever since I caught her on Headbanger's Ball back on MTV in the mid 80's.  Yea, she is that old, and yea, she is still super hot.  Wow they got Matt Lauer and Al Roker to do cameos for this?  Dayum.  AND Kelly Ripa.  Impressive.  Hey, Lady Liberty!  I was there once!  Don't ask me how Kari Wuhrer can look sexy in a cold wind on a ferry boat wearing a winter coat.  She just can.  And it looks like Tara Reid has little more than a bit part in this movie.  Oh well, more Kari Wuhrer for me!  Wheeee!

Hmmm.  They're saying there's going to be snow in July in the movie.  Apparently this movie was filmed in the winter, because on Liberty Island (or Ellis island, or whatever the hell the island is called with the statue of liberty on it), none of the trees had any leaves on them.  So, it definitely wasn't July then.  Little screw-up there, Syfy.  Commercial break!  Time for ice cream!

Interesting coincidence, it was a very cool July here in western NY.  No, it wasn't cold enough to snow, but my weather prediction back in May of June being hot and July being hotter did not come to pass.  June WAS 5 to 10 degrees above normal, but July was about 5 degrees below average for most of the month.  Sad.  I hate cold weather in the summer.  I hope August is warmer.  Apparently, Syfy's prediction of snow in July back when they filmed Sharknado 2 was more accurate than mine.  Damn it.  Well, I'm no meteorologist.  I don't even know what a meteor smells like.

Lot of cameos and bit parts for actors in this movie.  I don't think there's anyone that hasn't been in another movie before this one.  Ian Ziering is probably the least known actor in this thing, and he's the lead.  "Taxi" driver Judd Hirsch, for one.  I thought he was dead.  Was...  was that the subway guy?  :-o  I thought he was dead!  Heh, I love the weather forecast for the movie.  Sharks coming down at two inches an hour, with Falling Shark icons.  Cute.  Oh, geez.  He jumped the shark.  Holy crap, was that a basking shark?  I thought they were extinct!  Holy crap, Robert Klein is the mayor!  I thought he was dead!  Err, well, the last time I saw him, his hair wasn't white, at least.

And the last commercial break is a full five minutes long.  Geez.  And that's it for Sharknado 2!  Starring every actor you ever thought was dead.  Huh, I'm surprised Abe Vigoda wasn't in this movie.  I hope you enjoyed it.  To sum up, lots of sharks, lots of explosions, lots of Shark-slaying.  The Asylum made this movie, I guess they make a lot of Syfy's movies and none of them have a history of being blockbusters, if you know what I mean.  I don't think it was as good as Sharknado 1, but there were more stars in it.  Still, there was a bit of humor, a lot of cameos, and tons of action.  Sadly, there were no women in bikinis like the first movie.  Hmmm.  Kari Wuhrer in a bikini.  Oh, yeah.  I'm going to need a minute.  Hardly a minute.  More like 15, 20 seconds, tops.

That's it for midweek madness!  Check back for a riveting review of Saturday's Sharktopus vs ...  Some flying dinosaur thing.  Sharknado 2 is also being replayed on Saturday, if you want to catch it on Syfy channel then.  One of these weeks I might even have a decent movie to review, but don't hold your breath.  You guys should be familiar with the kind of movies I watch by now.  :-)

Series Review - Hemlock Grove (2013-2014), The Strain (2014)

No, I didn't forget to post last night.  After watching 10 episodes of Hemlock Grove in a 3-day period, I needed a good night's sleep to mentally digest it.

Hemlock Grove (2013-2014) originally aired it's first season last year on Netflix.  Famke Janssen was probably the most well-known actress among the cast, but the rest of the cast was mostly almost as talented.  Dr. Pryce is probably one of my favorite characters, a brilliant scientist who prefers dealing with people as little as possible, and has trouble dealing with emotional outbursts.  Dr. Pryce, as we learned last season, is the brains behind the Godfrey Institute known as The White Tower, a huge skyscraper in the middle of a middling-sized Pennsylvania town.  The Godfrey Institute is a biotechnology company owned by Ms. Godfrey (played by Famke Janssen), wife of the late Mr. Godfrey, founder of the Godfrey Institute, who is also mother to Roman Godfrey, a troubled young man nearing his 18th birthday.  Roman and his mother are upir, which is a foreign word for what is basically a vampire.  These particular vampires may go out in sunlight, and aren't necessarily any more hurt by a wooden stake through the heart than, well, anyone else.  However, they do require a lot of blood, at least, once reaching their 18th birthday and all.  Ms. Godfrey is several hundred years past her 18th birthday, however Roman is not.  Roman was also, as of last season, unaware that he was an upir (although he now knows what he is).  Last season, Roman befriended a young gypsy lad who happens to be a werewolf.  Oh, not the giant, bloodthirsty things with jaws and claws, no, this gypsy named Peter basically just turns into a good-sized wolf.  Last season was all about stopping this ferocious vargulf which is basically a rogue werewolf.  This season, Peter is in danger of becoming one himself, and the threat is completely different this time, but I won't give away anything else.

I enjoy Hemlock Grove because of several reasons.  One, the vampire and werewolf myths are a little different than the standard mainstream drivel proposed by Twilight and such.  Two, Famke Janssen is a pretty good actress, and is very believable as the rich-bitch vampiress head of a corporation.  The rest of the actors and actresses are fairly decent, and there's at least a little bit of nudity here and there.  I'm not fond of the two male leads, namely Roman and Peter, who just happen to be a little too petulant and a little too young to carry the show, in my opinion.  Still, I suppose they are believable in their roles, even though I haven't seen them in anything else, which puts me at a disadvantage as far as evaluating their acting skills.  The rest of the cast seems fairly talented in their respective roles.

I will say, however, that while last season was tense, dramatic and suspenseful, this season did not seem to be.  There seemed to be fewer cast members and less action this season, as well as fewer episodes to watch.  I will also say, as a tiny bit of a spoiler, that I am glad Famke Janssen's character was not only brought back this season, but seems to have fully recovered from her bloody death last season, as well.  All in all, the second season just wasn't as good as the first.  Hopefully season 3, whenever Netflix gets around to making it, will be better than season 2, and Famke will play a larger role.  Both seasons are, of course, available on Netflix.

The Strain (2014), also happens to be another series about vampires, but that's giving a little bit away, so forget I said anything.  Penned at least partially by Guillermo del Toro (yes, the Hollywood director, producer, whatever-er), which I only found out recently from a friend, this series is based on several books.  Beginning with a plane coming in to a New York airport and landing, then ceasing all contact with the control tower and sitting silent on the runway for an hour, the Strain follows the head of the CDC canary team (which I guess is a first-response team) trying to isolate, contain and control the spread of the infestation, which they are unable to identify as of yet.  Seeing as I'm only watching the second episode right now, this series is only just getting started.

I don't normally like vampire movies, series, or books because the vampire myth has literally been overdone to death, but whenever there's a new take on any sort of monster, I sit up and take notice, mainly because I love monster movies.  The Strain is a different take on the vampire myth, or I wouldn't even be watching it in the first place.  So far they are primarily focusing on the CDC's investigation of the incident at the airport, the 4 survivors from the plane, and the finding of these tiny, bloodthirsty little parasitic worms that are apparently the cause of the illness that killed all the rest of the people on the plane.  Had I continued with my biology degree and schooling, I could have been in Dr. Ephram "Eph" Goodweather's (the head of the CDC canary team) shoes, so I can identify with his character quite well.  This series seems a pretty exciting mix of tracking down the viral contaminants mixed with the characters' lives.

One thing that bugs me, however, is the situation with Dr. Goodweather's wife and son.  The man's the head of the CDC canary team, which is pretty much the first contact the CDC has with new diseases, and he's basically letting his soon-to-be-ex-wife live in his house while she has sex with her new boyfriend, and the boyfriend is remaking his former den into a game room on Dr. Goodweather's dollar.  Frankly, I wouldn't think the head of the CDC's canary team would be such a pussy, but meh.  At least the character has some depth to him.

The series is based on several books (as my friend informed me), so there's a lot more of this series to come, which seems like a good thing so far.  I've only seen two episodes, but both have been rife with tension and suspense, and quite enjoyable.  There's even been a little action here and there, that seems to be moving the plot along quite nicely.  Also, my friend says the minor characters that are getting introduced, are going to have huge roles to play in future episodes, which is always good to know.  You can watch the Strain on FX on Sunday nights at 10 pm.  There's even been a little nudity tossed in here and there, to keep the geeks like me happy.  :-D

That's all for this weekend.  Catch you next week with a movie review, perhaps, and maybe an update on what's going on with The Strain!  Enjoy the summer doldrums until the fall season comes!

Oh, speaking of doldrums, I had the chance to watch Battle of the Damned with Dolph Lundgren last evening, and I passed on it after watching the first ten minutes.  Now look, I know Mr. Lundgren is an action hero, a martial artist, and supposedly has an IQ of 160 and speaks several languages, which is at least several more than me...  And yes, I know the man is in The Expendables foe the foreseeable future, and that movie series is all about the action, but...  Should he really be doing crappy Syfy movies in between the major blockbusters?  Especially ones that make him look like a geriatric hip-replacement patient dressed up in combat gear while trying to hobble home from the hospital?  Meh, I'm not in charge of his career.  Maybe he really needs the income.  Probably has an addiction to buying new and unusual chess sets.  Yea.  Pfeh, who doesn't, right?  Right.

Saturday Night Special - Hatchet 3 (2013)

I know, I didn't post last week.  It was the July 4th holiday and I got food poisoning, all right?  Sheeesh.  Cut a guy some slack, willya?

Let's say you wanted to make a horror film.  And you were reasonably good at it, and had a decent budget.  I'm not talking a couple of college guys with a videocamera, here.  First thing you'd need is a villain, right?  Someone suitably scary, and mean, and unkillable, because wtf good does it do you to have the guy die at the end of the first movie?  No sequels!  So you'd want someone like Jason Vorhees, or maybe Michael Myers.  You wouldn't want that Freddy Krueger guy because he's already dead, and stopped scaring people after like, 5 minutes into the first movie.  And, technically, Jason is dead now, too, but let's not quibble.

So you come up with a guy named Victor Crowley.  Now Victor, he was just a misshapen lump of a mentally challenged boy, you see.  He wasn't all bad.  But the first movie is all about the villain's back story, so let me sum that up.  Victor Crowley lived alone with his dad in the swamps of the Louisiana Bayou.  Some kids accidentally started a fire in the shack they lived in, and old victor and his daddy went up in smoke, if I got the story right.  Victor died stuck inside the shack, trying to get out to reach his daddy.  Years later, Victor Crowley's ghost haunts the swamp, tearing people apart with the savage strength and crudity of a mentally challenged, misshapen version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Sounds like a good villain, right?  He's unkillable because he's a ghost, he's got the insane strength of Jason Vorhees' and Michael Myers' lovechild, and he's meaner and uglier than a heat-stroked swamp gator.  Now you need someone good to play him.  I know!  The actor who played Jason Vorhees a few times, Kane Hodder!  Perfect!   Let's get that guy!  So you do.  You cast Kane Hodder as your villain, and you're halfway there.

Now you need a heroine.  Jamie Lee Curtis from the Halloween movies!  Shit, no, that's not going to work, she's really famous and old now.  You want someone young.  Corey Feldman, Jason's arch-nemesis!  Damn, too late, he's passed on.  Aha!  From Halloween 4 and 5, the little girl who managed to survive Michael Myers twice!  She's perfect!  Is she still acting?  You're damn right she is.  And so you've cast Danielle Harris to play your heroine.

Now, this is the third movie in the series.  Marybeth (played by Danielle Harris) has kicked Victor Crowley's ass for killing her father and brother, twice now.  And the ghostly remains keep getting up and coming after her.  So by a mix of luck and persistence, and a little bit of unkillability on her part, Marybeth manages to shoot the guy in the face with a shotgun until he doesn't have a face, and then cut him in two with a chainsaw longer than she is.  Then, just to make sure the guy stays dead, she takes the remains of his head to the local police station, to let them know that, oh, by the way, there's a dozen bodies out in the swamp, and Victor Crowley's dead.  Yea, Marybeth, that's great and all, but it's generally not a good idea to walk into a police station covered in blood, carrying a shotgun, and holding the remains of a guy's head in your other hand.  Woopsie!  Into the clink Marybeth goes.  And that's just the first ten minutes of Hatchet 3.  You really think Victor Crowley's dead?  Think again.  You have most of a movie to go yet.  As everyone in law enforcement heads out into the swamp to clean up the remains of Marybeth's little party, you just know it's more meat for the slaughter.

Zach Galligan, from Gremlins fame, shows up as Sheriff Fowler, but I can't remember if he was in Hatchet 2 or not.  Sid Haig pops up as the creepy old guy that Sheriff Fowler's ex-wife has to talk to in order to get old man Crowley's ashes.  If you've ever wanted to see Danielle Harris naked and covered in blood, here's your chance.  Come to think of it, she was naked and covered in blood in the recent remake of Halloween, as well, so I guess being naked and covered in blood is her thing.  I like it!  Let's see more of it!  Hatchet 4 should just be two hours of Danielle Harris, naked and covered in blood.  I don't even think you need a villain for that.  Save money on extras, and on-location shooting, too.

This was a pretty decent horror flick.  After the first movie sets up the story line, it's pretty much blood and gore all the way through until the end of the third movie, with the occasional short break thrown in to introduce more cast members so they can then be torn asunder.  By most reports, Hatchet 3 is better than Hatchet 2, but I can't particularly recall Hatchet 2.  So maybe that's about right.  I wouldn't call Hatchet 3 scary, or even particularly tense, like perhaps the early Halloween movies, but it's at least as entertaining to watch as a Friday the 13th movie, and that's what it's really all about, isn't it?  Entertainment!  I mean, let's face it here.  The Halloween movies are dead.  The Friday the 13th movies are gone.  Freddy's so long dead you could kick his ashen skull for a field goal and not even feel a glimmer of worry.  All we have left is Hatchet, and Victor Crowley, and the unkillable Marybeth, played by Danielle Harris.  Bring on Hatchet 4, I say!

In other news, I have a summer cold, which are supposedly the worst colds you can get.  Yea.  Life sucks, and then you die, hopefully not at the end of a hatchet wielded by Victor Crowley.  Also, Netflix has season 2 of Hemlock Grove, in addition to Hatchet 3.  Go spend your long summer days watching horror!  Because, wtf else have you got to do?  Work on your tan?  Vacation?  Bah.  Every camper in every Friday the 13th movie thought they were on vacation, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM!  Yea!  So, don't go on vacation.  It's scary out there.  Stay safe at home and watch horror films.

Until next week, when I'll hopefully have seen most if not all of Hemlock Grove, and can review that.  Enjoy your summer, and I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July.  Or, you know, a nice third of July and fifth of July, if you don't happen to reside in the states.  Honestly, I don't expect Hemlock Grove to be particularly good.  Why, you ask?  Famke Janssen, of course.  She was the acting linchpin of the first Hemlock Grove, and if you recall, she died at the end of last season.  I think.  So unless she's somehow back for Season 2, I'm going to be watching a couple of homo-erotic teenaged emo fellas going about their daily lives.  Sounds like Twilight, the series.  Blech.  But wtf, like I said.  What else have I got to do?  Maybe they'll bring Famke back, or introduce someone else I can lust after.  I can only hope.