Monday, February 18, 2013

Review - Cars

Yea, I know.  Cars has been out, like FOREVER.  But I just wanted to bring light to this malice-filled, perverted mess of a pixar film.  Plus, I just saw it for the first time.

So here's the basic plotline.  Sentient racing car that will do anything to win gets stuck in a small town and learns there is more to life than winning.

First off, WTF.  More to life than winning?  What a dweeb.  Come on.  Does anyone still listen to this disney-pixar chant that insists on making total slackers out of anyone and everyone?  You've heard it a thousand times.  Stop and smell the roses.  Take the path less traveled.  Be different.  Bah!  What nonsense!  If school and work have taught me one thing in life, it's that they want everyone to be exactly the same.  Deviants are punished, socially and sometimes criminally.  The more deviant you are, the less people like you.  If you want friends, be like everyone else!  And WIN!  Because even if winners don't have friends, they get MONEY!  That's right.  CASH.  And when you have cash, everyone wants to be your friend!  Who the hell wants to be friends with a homeless poor person who lives in an alley and smells like rancid rat feces?  NOBODY.  Exactly.

Second, what the hell is up with everyone making fun of maynard?  Yea, let's pick on the retarded old truck with the bad teeth!  Laugh at him!  he drives backwards!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!  Jesus Christ.  If I've said this once I've said it a million times, mentally-challenged people have feelings too.  You can't just belittle someone because you think you are smarter than they are.  They can't help being born with the brains god gave a spoon, any more than you can help being born with two brain cells to rub together, or being born with a mother that has the clap.  It's just what you got stuck with in life.  Some hands of cards are better than others!  It's how you play them that matters!  Assuming you win, of course, See rule one.  If you lose, you should be made fun of.  Loser.  L-hoooo.. ser, as Ace Ventura would say.

Third, how perverted is this film?  Look, I would fuck the SHIT out of my Porsche if I had one, on an hourly basis.  But this film is for KIDS.  We absolutely, do not, under any circumstances, at any time, want kids fucking my Porsche.  Even if I had one, which I do not, it would still be revolting as hell, illegal, and morally and mentally wrong!  I can't even begin to describe how wrong it would be.  But all through the movie, the main character is falling in love with a Porsche.  We see scenes of them splashing through puddles together, coyly flirting amongst others, and finally, there's the requisite Porsche-driving-across-a-bridge-in-front-of-a-waterfall scene.  Not even blurred out!  Jesus christ!  If I wanted to see porn, I'd browse for it on the internet!  But nooooooo, there it is, right in the middle of a damned kids film!  I mean, it's fine if you want to see that sort of thing in an adult movie.  I am a huge advocate of an adult's right to see and do whatever kink gets them off at any given time.  In fact I think there's a magazine in france entirely devoted to sex with porsches.  I think it's called Fahvergnugen.  Don't ask me what it means in french, i can barely manage english most days.  But in any case, come on, you bastard frenchies!  Stop sexualizing our children!

I'm not even going to bring up the secondary characters.  A couple of poor italian mechanics got manhandled by a fire engine that cries despite being bigger than everyone else, a hippie van promotes "naturally grown gas" throughout the movie, and bessie, that tar-spewing, ugly-ass repaving machine is obviously an anecdote about the state of American politics!  Well I happen to like my american politics ugly-ass and tar-spewing, so FUCK YOU, Cars!  FUCK YOU!  Bessie, indeed.

And what the HELL is up with the scene where maynard and the main hero go into the field and start tractor tipping?  Jaysus H keerist on a pogo stick.  Haven't we already established that it's WRONG to tip over tractors?  Poor bastards are sleeping in a field and then they wake up tipped over and what happens then?  THEY DIE OF EXPOSURE AND ROT.  That's right kiddies, Go tip over a cow sometime and watch it squirm and moo because IT CAN'T GET BACK UP, EVER!!!!!  Poor farmer has to go and rent a fork lift and a crane and shit just to get the poor things back right side up, and then they need psychological counseling for MONTHS just to get through the TRAUMA.  And what are you doing?  TIPPING THEM OVER AGAIN!  Bastard kids.  STAY OFF MY LAWN!

And then to top it all off, Maynard is flying around in the helicopter at the end, and he says "I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park!"  Oh.  My.  GOD.  How politically incorrect is this?  If the writers had ever actually been in a trailer during a tornado, they would not make jokes.  The destruction wrought amongst trailer trash is nothing short of heart rending, and they are making FUN of it?  Christ.  I was in a trailer during a tornado once and despite repeated washing, my tiger-fur bikini briefs STILL have skid marks.  That shit is nothing to laugh at, EVER.

In short, Cars is the worst movie ever made.  it defiles all that is good and holy in the world, and makes you laugh at it.  Some things can't be unseen, and Cars will RUIN YOUR SOUL.  if I could go back in time and organize a protest while it was still being shown at the theaters, I would!  After I went back in time and became a gladiator, of course.  You have been warned.

(the preceding post is written entirely for comedic purposes, and should not be confused with the author's true thoughts at any time or for any reason.  Failure to do so will result in a distinct lack of laughter and probably permanent drain bamage.)

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