Movie # 7 - Primal

Continuing the streak of movies I haven't seen before...

MOVIE:  Primal

PLOT:  Backpackers head into the australian outback to find primitive cave paintings that no one had seen before.  Also, they accidentally unearth an ancient evil.  Oopsie!  I hate when that happens.

GOOD POINTS:  Hey, there's a token nude scene in this movie.  Actually has something to do with the plot, so I suppose it's not a "token," but I'll taken it all the same.  HAH!  I make joke.  You laugh.  Special effects only involved some blood, prosthetic makeup and tiny bit of CGI at the end.

BAD POINTS:  CGI seemed pointless.  Can't really tell what the thing was supposed to be, or if it was supposed to be anything.  Plot doesn't really explain what it was, either.  So, there's THAT gaping hole to fill.  Just a random intergalactic beastie out for a quickie?  Who knows?

IMPRESSIONS:  Why is it always campers?  Are the people who write these movie scripts ALL city-folk?  Are they TERRIFIED of being out in the woods?  I'm actually starting to believe it.  Let me tell you a story about a man named jed...

Actually, I don't know his name.  We're out camping one year.  Sitting nonchalantly by the fire, I think it's late afternoon.  Enjoying the sunshine.  Some other camper from a nearby cabin (we were all in cabins so i use the term "camper" loosely...  hey, cut me some slack, i like beds) comes running over to warn us.  "There was a RACCOON!"  he says, panting, out of breath from running the 50 feet between cabins, looking terrified.  I'm already looking at him strangely, because I'd seen about 20 raccoons already that trip.  They are pretty friendly if you aren't trying to pull dinner out of their mouth, and quite frankly, if someone went after my plate of food I'd get a little pissy, too.  "It came out of the WOODS!"  At this point he says WOODS like a normal person would say ALIEN SPACESHIP and I'm already thinking NUTJOB in bright flashing neon letters on the computer screen of my mind.  "I threw rocks at it til it went back into the woods!  I just wanted to warn you!" he finishes, then rushes down the road to, I assume, warn other people about the "dangers" of camping.

True story.  If, like me, you generally go to the "WOODS!"  to bond with mother nature, in the hopes of actually seeing some wildlife, like, i don't know, maybe a "RACCOON!" then you are no doubt thinking that there person needs to head out to the woods more often.  Preferably without any rocks handy, because otherwise, I'd fear for the local wildlife.  Who knows how many deer, sheep, chickens, groundhogs or other harmless animals he's beat to death with rocks?  Honestly, if i was the raccoon, I'd have come back with friends and kicked his ass.  And the whole time I'm thinking, poor raccoon.  He comes out into his own backyard, the "WOODS!" to see what's going on, maybe have a little barbecue with the family (much like any normal camper does when he's camping), and he's got some scared asshole whipping rocks at his head.  I was going to ask the guy, How the fuck would you feel if you went out in your backyard and some asshole threw rocks at YOU until you went back into your house?

Fuckin HUMANS!  You know, I saw this video of wolves being introduced back into the wilds of, I think, yellowstone national park some years back.  I'm not sure exactly where it was, but anyway, the video showed these deer, or elk, or whatever, just wandering up to the wolves and sniffing at them, like "what the FUCK are you?  I've never even SEEN you before!" (because until recently, generations of those animals had not seen wolves there)  until the deer learned that the wolves were predators, and to stay the fuck away from them.  So that makes me wonder... Have you ever seen any animal NOT run away from a human?  How fuckin terrifying are WE to the animal kingdom that no matter how long it's been since anything wild has even SEEN a human being, that it still RUNS THE FUCK AWAY the minute we get close to it?  No, i'm not talking about feeding a deer some corn in your backyard, THAT deer has learned that you're a NICE human who's got FOOD.  I'm talking about random encounters.  If an elk or deer will just wander over to a wolf, something that has teeth and jaws the size of my forearm, and sniff at the thing because it has no innate fear of it whatsoever, what have WE done to the animal kingdom over the centuries to engender that instinctual, absolute fear?  Makes you wonder, dunnit?  And yes, I still think we should stick to my plan, of running at bears and kicking the shit out of them (in large numbers) until they learn not to fuck with people, because they are probably the only animals left with no fear of humans.  Those fuckers need to learn.  lol

Anyway, back to the movie.  So the campers are basically idiots, they stick around when they know they shouldn't, and stay long after their welcome has worn out, shall we say.  As a biologist / anthropologist, I would LOVE to know what exactly this critter was, or the biology or at least the history of it (yea, I know it's only a movie, but the concept was interesting), but even after having tried to watch the movie twice, I was unable to discern any background for it.  It was originally on last night on Syfy channel, but I missed the end (thus no double feature last night, now you know why), so I recapped it on Netflix tonight.  Managed to catch the nudie bits, and the end CGI parts that Syfy cut out, but it still didn't make much sense.  All in all, don't watch this movie expecting a coherent plot, but there was lots of action, blood and gore, and a mutant rabbit.

With HUGE POINTY FANGS!  (makes fang-like gestures with his hands)  Really.  Big ones.  Killer.

Also, apparently the lead actress's character suffered some sort of attack years previous that made her claustrophobic.  After having seen the movie twice, I still don't know what THAT particular attack was about.  Maybe i just missed some parts due to fading in and out of consciousness (still sick, yessirreebob), but I don't think they ever explained that.  Oh well.  I don't think it's worth watching a third time, but hey, it's got nude parts, mutant critters, blood and gore, and there was almost a tentacle rape scene, so there's that.  Definitely qualifies as a creature feature.

OTHER NEWS:  My mom turned 80 today!  Yea, she's a crotchety old fart, in mostly good health, thanks for asking.  Nearly took my head off this evening for asking if she was giving me a piece of her cheesecake, AFTER she'd already told me I could have some.  Lesson learned.  Old farts love their cheesecake.  Got it, moving on.

Dexter was fun.  Deb (dexter's adotped sis) apparently knows almost everything about dexter's serial killing habits.  Back during the first season of dexter, oh, 4 or 5 years back, I assumed Deb would eventually find out about Dexter (i'm usually right about these things), and being the only real cop in the family now that her dad is gone, would head the FBI task force they put together to locate him (once he took off after she found out).  At least, that's the series I would have written.  Think about it, she's grown up with him, she knows him better than anyone (not that she knows him that well, but still better), and she's an excellent detective who thinks logically and intuitively about solving crimes.  Also, I'm almost 100% positive he wouldn't hurt her.  So think of dexter, running for his life from the only family he's ever known, one who's 100% dedicated to taking him down, someone methodical, relentless and has the entire backing of the nation's law enforcement facilities to help her (sounds like the killer from "No coutnry for old men," doesn't it)?  Oh man!  Dexter would be in for the ride of his life!  Now THAT would be an exciting goddamn show.  But alas, I'm not one of the writers, and Deb is trying to "cure" him.  She loves the fuck out of him, I'll give her that.  We'll see how the rest of the season works out.

Homeland is getting along nicely.  Carrie saw a bit of action in the field and is almost completely unhinged.  Her recovery has almost certainly been pushed back quite a bit.  Getting shot at will do that to anyone, i suppose.  I probably would have pissed myself, so she's doing a damn sight better than i would have, and I'm not even manic-depressive.  Also, Saul (her senior agent at the CIA) found out that she was RIGHT about Brody all along!  And Carrie's little psychotic episode in the field was what led him to the info!  AH FUCK!  How the worm has turned!  I'm not even sure what that expression means, but it's probably pretty bad.  Next week's episode should be pretty damn interesting.

See you guys tomorrow night for movie #8!