Rich Folk and Animal Crackers

So I'm mulling about in my house after getting back from my sister's house, and the temps are well into the 80's and 90's around here.  And I don't have a pool, because I am one-relative-who's-in-jail away from being poor folk.  Now I'm not saying that I have relatives who should be in jail, or are going to be, I'm just saying, rich folk don't go to jail often, for whatever reasons.  Wink wink nudge nudge say no more.

So i figure, what the fuck.  I'll have a bag of animal crackers, so I can feel like a rich person.

Now, before you get all uppity about it, you young folk today don't know what it was like back in the old days.  When animal crackers first came out, they were like $100 a bag.  Of course, that was back in the old days, when $100 could buy you a house, a car, and a russian girlfriend and still have enough left over for a root-beer float at the soda stand.  Nowadays, the miraculous, seductive and secretive means by which animal crackers are made is much cheaper.  I think they got kids over in china working their fingers off baking them, or however they are made.  I sure don't know.  I am just glad us poor folk can afford to buy them now.

No, don't start arguing with me.  I'm talking about good, old fashioned original animal crackers.  Not animal cookies.  Not crackers, like saltines.  ANIMAL CRACKERS.  They taste like jesus sauteed over an open flame and served to a starving religious man.  Only without the meaty part.  I don't know whether technically they are a cookie or a cracker, because there's no salt on them and they taste like the nectar of the gods to me, but there it is.  They are called animal crackers because they come in animal shapes, so I can pretend I am eating an elephant or a giraffe or a llama when i eat one.  I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't just go eat a llama, I mean, they are pretty plentiful down south america way, but there it is.  Animal Crackers.

So I'm sitting here eating my bag of animal crackers, and it comes to me...  Shit!  Do rich folk hold up one pinky when they eat animal crackers, like when they drink champagne or wine or whatever?  I asked my nephew, but he told me he didn't know and to quit bugging him because he was jacking off to japanese anime, and then I decided to google that shit.  So I asked the Google:  Do rich people hold up one pinky when they eat animal crackers?

And you know what the google said to me?

It said:  Did you mean: do rich folk hold up your pinky when they eat animal crackers?


And I bout damn near laughed my arse off.  Google, you knucklehead!  Why the fuck would rich folk hold up MY pinky when they eat animal crackers?  That's good-goddamn-ridiculous!  I mean, even if that was the custom, to hold up some poor person's pinky when they ate animal crackers, wouldn't they pay someone to do that for them?  I mean I'm pretty goddamn sure I ain't never seen no Warren Buffet or Bill Gates coming with a bag of animal crackers in his hand and asking "Hey, you mind if I hold up your pinky whilst I devour this entire bag of animal crackers?" in the same sort of voice they'd ask "do you happen to have any Grey Poupon?"  Because i'd bout damn near shit a brick if anyone came up to me and asked me that.  I mean that's just durn silly!  And while they can probably afford to hire people to hold up my pinky, who keeps someone around just for that?  I don't think I've ever seen a rich person even touch one of us poor folk, let alone hire someone to hold up their pinky.


But I don't want to get bogged down in the Google's asininity.  Apparently they aren't quite rich enough to get that whole "holding up a pinky while eating animal crackers" thing.  Not cultured enough, apparently.  A little too nouveau-riche, if you get my meaning, wink wink nudge nudge say no more.  Is there like a european version of the Google I can ask?  The old country version of the Google, where the Google first began, they'd probably know.  So how do I ask the old-country-Google?  is it pronounced like Google' over there, with like a cute little accent mark over it, pronounced GoogLAY?  Probably.  Damn snotty frenchmen probably copyrighted that shit as soon as there was an EU to copyright shit in, and now it's pronounced GoogLAY.  They're just pissed because they lost the dot com wars of the 90's. Damn beret-wearing sonsofbitches.


And don't even get me started on sweden!


So, I tried it.  I tried holding up one pinky while eating a whole bag of animal crackers.  It's not easy.  I dropped a bunch.  My hand is sore now.  And I nearly knocked over my water bottle with my extended pinky while trying to adjust the volume on the japanese anime, but I guess that makes sense.  If being rich was easy, everyone would be doing it, right?


Right.