Thursday, June 14, 2012

Savior of the City

It was a wet, wet week when I arrived in Jacksonville.

The weatherman was saying that there was enough rain for the entire summer season, let alone the month of June.  Every day I would get up, shower, and look out at the buckets of rain just pouring down the windows.  I mourned the loss of my summer tan, so many days spent inside meant my tan was fading quickly.  We'd even had a week of cooler, rainier weather before I'd left my home up north, so it was already almost gone.  I suppose in retrospect, it's good that I arrived when I did.

Otherwise, the entire city of Jacksonville, Florida, to the last man, woman and child, would have drowned.  The cats and dogs, too.  Probably not the alligators.

I want to explain my small part in this, but before I do, I want to say, I'm just a man, like any other.  I am sure any man, or woman for that matter, would have done the same.  I don't think of myself as special in any way.  I was just in the right place at the right time.

It all started about the third or fourth day I was here.  I got out of the shower, after taking a particularly long and warm one to rid myself of the accumulated dirt from sitting around all day playing computer games.  Hey, it's a messy job, but someone has to do it.  I came out of the bathroom and my brother-in-law said to me...

"They just had a news report.  The water level in the St. Johns River just went down."

"Huh!  That's strange, what with all the rain we been getting." I replied.

I thought nothing more about it at the time.  I went about my daily tasks, drinking, partying, hanging out, playing games and having fun.  Then the next day, strangely, it happened again, just as I came out of the bathroom after a long steamy shower.

"The water level in the St. Johns River dropped again." my brother-in-law said.

"That is the craziest thing!" I replied.  "Strange how it happens just as I..."

And then it dawned on me.

The St. Johns River, which had probably been at flood stage before I arrived, was the water supply for the city.  I was managing to lower the water levels just by taking a shower!  I COULD SAVE THE CITY!  :-o

The next day, I made sure to take an extra long and hot shower.  Sure enough, just as I got out of the bathroom, my brother reported the news again...

"The water levels in the St. Johns River are dropping like crazy." he informed me.

My plan was working!  I secretly was filled with joy.  Single-handedly, I had managed to stop the St John's river from overflowing its banks, saving hundreds of thousands of lives, not to mention property damage, in the entire city of Jacksonville.  Who can say how many people owed me their very lives?!

But I am not one to seek fame and fortune.  I dreaded the day when some perceptive city utility worker delved into their records, found out it was our household that had been responsible for the use of so much water, and came to give me the key to the city.  I would try to deny it, certainly, and I would refuse interviews with the press, but if they forced me to accept their accolades, I would have little choice but to be named Savior of the City of Jacksonville.  Honestly, I am far too shy to accept such adoration.

By the end of the first week, the danger seemed past.  The sun came out.  The humidity shot up.  There was so much water vapor in the air that when I went outside, the water forced its way into my pores instead of out.  And luckily, still no word from the city.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  It seemed the danger was truly past.

But... it's pouring rain now.  Given my colorful past, I've designed a subtle but suitable superhero costume to go with my new life as Savior of the City.  It's basically a suit made of glittery golden spandex, skin-tight in all the wrong places.  Sure it hugs my gut, and no, it won't stop bullets, but seriously, what arch-villain is going to attack me while I am in the shower?  I've even chosen a proper superhero moniker to go with my new title.  Forevermore, I am now...

SHOWER MAN!

What do you think?  Suitably subtle yet a good disguise for my mild-mannered alter ego, Tech Support Man.  Perhaps a bit too general.  Hmmm.  My spandex suit is made of glittery gold...  I know!

GOLDEN SHOWER MAN!

Yes!  That's it!  Brilliant!  GOLDEN SHOWER MAN TO THE RESCUE!!!!  I like it!  It has a lovely ring to it!  I've decided to suit up at first light and go in hard and ready to face the terrors of pruny flesh first thing in the morning!  Like around 11 or so.  Perhaps a battle cry or rallying chant would help...  Ah, I got one:

Neither dark of night nor rainy day,
shall stop my longest shower play!
By virtue of my sweaty mass,
and smelly old swampy ass,
I declare war has began!
Let water beware, for I am...
GOLDEN SHOWER MAN!

Now all I need is a fleshlight lamp or something to charge up my golden glitter!  :-D

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