Reviews - Thor and Captain America

I like superhero movies.

Much like monster movies, they allow the imagination to bolt unhindered through the fields of modern reality.  Unlike monster and horror movies, they are more accepted by society, so lately they've been taking the place of summer blockbusters of decades past.  Recently I've seen both Thor and Captain America, thanks to netflix and my nephew, who scored a stash of DVD's from big lots.  And by scored, I mean he works there and rented me some DVD's.  :-)

Thor was pretty good.  It was quite long however.  I hadn't really seen an origin story for Thor before this, so it was sort of new for me.  It departed from the comic book version of events in that, Thor was never actually Donald Blake, who in the comic books was a doctor with a bad leg.  In the movie, Thor was just mistaken for Donald Blake because he needed some clothes and Donald Blake was Natalie Portman's ex boyfriend, and Natalie played the love interest in this movie.  I am not really sure how Doctor Donald Blake looked, since he never actually appeared in the movie, but the idea that he was physically large enough for his clothes to fit a god of thunder is almost laughable.  But, at least they didn't try to fit a laughing warrior-god like Thor into the physically incapable alter ego of a skinny physician, which would have been even more laughable.

So here's the basic rundown of the movie.  And again, those of you that read my blog often know that I try not to give too much away unless I really hate the movie, and I liked Thor.  Thor is Odin's son.  Him and his half-brother, Loki, are hanging out in Valhalla, waiting for Odin to step aside so one of them can be crowned king, and frost giants sneak into the armory and try to steal some big old crystalline ice-maker gizmo.  It's basically a frost-giant superweapon that Odin took from them when he defeated them in battle.  Ever since, Odin and the frost giants have had an uneasy truce.  So Thor gets all pissed at the frosty giants and heads over there to kick some giant ass, and thus breaks the truce.  Which royally pisses off Odin, and Odin takes Thor's power away, dumps it into Thor's hammer and kicks Thor and his hammer back to Midgard, which is their name for earth.  And that's just the beginning of the story.

Those of you who know Thor are aware that Loki is his arch-nemesis, and that part of Thor's story holds true here.  Thor seemed to drag in spots, but only because there was so much of the movie to be told.  Lots of things happened.  I think it was well over two hours long.  Fair bit of action, though, and sets good old meade-chugging Thor up to hang out with the Avengers and smash things alongside Hulk in between hitting on the hotties.

Honestly, I think if you're going to have a superhero you really need to have some good drawbacks to the guy or he just doesn't seem right in the head.  Thor is impetuous and loves the ale.  Hulk smashes just about everything.  Iron man is a womanizing philanderer.  Not so for the star of our next review...

Captain America's story has been told and told again over the years.  I am pretty sure I saw some actor play Captain America in a TV movie in the 70's, again in the 80's, and probably in the 90's.  I think they took a break in the 2000's to let people forget how many times his origin story has been told and retold.  I think that's the biggest problem with telling superhero stories.  In order for the younger audiences to understand how the heroes came to be, you have to tell their origins.  Personally, I think retelling the same story over and over is basically what Hollywood has been doing for years, so I can't really get behind that as far as superhero movies go.  Hopefully now that all the major heroes of the Avengers movie have been dealt with, we can actually move on to telling some of the stories of the avengers tackling their major villains.

A quick recap, and I've heard the story so many times I am sure I am not giving anything away.  Captain America was a skinny geeky fellow who wanted very badly to fight against the nazi's during world war 2.  Unfortunately, he had so many things wrong with him physically that he was denied entry into the armed forces by the doctors.  As those who were alive at the time can remember, being ranked as 4F means you flunked all your physicals and wouldn't ever make it through basic training without dying, so letting you into the army would have been senseless.  Of course, nowadays I think they just take everyone regardless of physical or mental condition, since they need a lot of cannon fodder.  In any case, while trying for the umpteenth time to get in, Steve Rogers (captain america's real name) runs into a scientist who is working on a super-soldier serum for the americans.  The scientist is german, and used to work in germany, but hates the nazis even more than most americans, and defected over to the Allies to help them out.  So steve, despite being such a flimsy excuse for a soldier, manages to get himself through the tough part of the qualifications and becomes the first US super-soldier.  Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, he also ends up being the last.  And I say the first US super-soldier because, as just about everyone knows, the first actual super-soldier was the Red Skull, who the german doctor tried his serum on first, to disastrous results.  The Red Skull is Captain America's nemesis.

Captain America was also a good movie to watch, lots of action and all, although the middle part seemed a bit ridiculous to me.  I can see in retrospect why they put it in, because the Captain America name needed to be famous, but it seemed rather silly to me.  In any case, my biggest issue with Captain America isn't the movie but his personality defects.

As I said before, most superheroes need to have some big drawbacks or personality flaws to seem realistic.  The Hulk is pure rage, Iron Man likes the ladies, and so on.  Captain America, despite being a skinny geek who is picked on by bullies his entire youth, who says he hates bullies and that's why he wants to join the army, to kick some nazi ass, nevertheless ends up being completely UN-geek-like.  Let me explain.

I myself hate bullies.  I can't tolerate them.  As an adult, I understand them.  I realize their small minds can't handle being afraid, so they overact the tough guy routine to compensate for their shortcomings, whatever they may be.  Sometimes the bullies have feelings towards other men, so they become gay-bashers.  Sometimes they are afraid everyone can see what an inept moron they are, so they pick on smart people to compensate.  In any case, I was picked on as a youth because I was smart.  As a result, I really hate bullies, much like Captain America claims.  So I can understand the part of Captain America who eventually gets the ability to fight back.  What I don't get is his absolute lack of two things.

He has almost no drawbacks, or vices, that I can see.  He doesn't drink much, he doesn't date much, he doesn't smoke, drink, gamble or really enjoy the wanton violence that a true geek would probably revel in in his vengeance against the bullies that he has hated for so long.  He's also not particularly smart, which is also confusing, most geeky kids have at least some level of intelligence or creativity to make up for the fact that they are physically incapable.  Sure, he seems to be able to play chess and have a modicum of wisdom, which makes him a decent commander of men, but he's not overtly intelligent nor creative aside from a penchant for drawing, which wasn't really dealt with much in the movie.

The Captain America movie was pretty good, but in the end, it's hard to really like Captain America himself.  You can't really drink with him, he doesn't like a good brawl, double dating is just out, and beating him in a game of chess doesn't seem like that much of an accomplishment.  I suppose in the end, all he really is, is a symbol of freedom or something to that effect, but if you took Joe Average and made him a superhero, is that really the kind of symbol you want?  Or I suppose there's the counter argument, where the best symbol is one who doesn't have vices, which is probably how we pick presidents.  In any case, I liked the movie, but the hero, well, I doubt I'd spend much time hanging out with him.  I suppose it's probably for the best the way the movie ended up, in the sense that now Captain America has no friends or acquaintances to hang out with, because honestly, once you get past the whole stars and stripes, USA-forever spiel, what more is there?

Ah well.  I am awaiting more substantial fare at any rate.  I haven't really seen the Avengers origin story before, in comics or otherwise.  I was always more of an X-Man fan, and they've already done most of those stories.  So seeing the Avengers put together might be fun.  Also, there's always um, whatsername's origin story.  The one Scarlett Johanneson plays in the Avengers movie.  Black Widow, I think?  I just saw Scarlett in eight-legged freaks again last night, and she was scrumptious as ever.  Watching her in an origin story might be fun!  Hawkeye, I think is the other guy on the avengers, and frankly, his origin story doesn't sound that great, and I don't particularly like the actor who plays him.

Hopefully we'll get past all these origin stories and get to the meat and potatoes of the superhero tales, and show them battling the super-villains soon!

Savior of the City

It was a wet, wet week when I arrived in Jacksonville.

The weatherman was saying that there was enough rain for the entire summer season, let alone the month of June.  Every day I would get up, shower, and look out at the buckets of rain just pouring down the windows.  I mourned the loss of my summer tan, so many days spent inside meant my tan was fading quickly.  We'd even had a week of cooler, rainier weather before I'd left my home up north, so it was already almost gone.  I suppose in retrospect, it's good that I arrived when I did.

Otherwise, the entire city of Jacksonville, Florida, to the last man, woman and child, would have drowned.  The cats and dogs, too.  Probably not the alligators.

I want to explain my small part in this, but before I do, I want to say, I'm just a man, like any other.  I am sure any man, or woman for that matter, would have done the same.  I don't think of myself as special in any way.  I was just in the right place at the right time.

It all started about the third or fourth day I was here.  I got out of the shower, after taking a particularly long and warm one to rid myself of the accumulated dirt from sitting around all day playing computer games.  Hey, it's a messy job, but someone has to do it.  I came out of the bathroom and my brother-in-law said to me...

"They just had a news report.  The water level in the St. Johns River just went down."

"Huh!  That's strange, what with all the rain we been getting." I replied.

I thought nothing more about it at the time.  I went about my daily tasks, drinking, partying, hanging out, playing games and having fun.  Then the next day, strangely, it happened again, just as I came out of the bathroom after a long steamy shower.

"The water level in the St. Johns River dropped again." my brother-in-law said.

"That is the craziest thing!" I replied.  "Strange how it happens just as I..."

And then it dawned on me.

The St. Johns River, which had probably been at flood stage before I arrived, was the water supply for the city.  I was managing to lower the water levels just by taking a shower!  I COULD SAVE THE CITY!  :-o

The next day, I made sure to take an extra long and hot shower.  Sure enough, just as I got out of the bathroom, my brother reported the news again...

"The water levels in the St. Johns River are dropping like crazy." he informed me.

My plan was working!  I secretly was filled with joy.  Single-handedly, I had managed to stop the St John's river from overflowing its banks, saving hundreds of thousands of lives, not to mention property damage, in the entire city of Jacksonville.  Who can say how many people owed me their very lives?!

But I am not one to seek fame and fortune.  I dreaded the day when some perceptive city utility worker delved into their records, found out it was our household that had been responsible for the use of so much water, and came to give me the key to the city.  I would try to deny it, certainly, and I would refuse interviews with the press, but if they forced me to accept their accolades, I would have little choice but to be named Savior of the City of Jacksonville.  Honestly, I am far too shy to accept such adoration.

By the end of the first week, the danger seemed past.  The sun came out.  The humidity shot up.  There was so much water vapor in the air that when I went outside, the water forced its way into my pores instead of out.  And luckily, still no word from the city.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  It seemed the danger was truly past.

But... it's pouring rain now.  Given my colorful past, I've designed a subtle but suitable superhero costume to go with my new life as Savior of the City.  It's basically a suit made of glittery golden spandex, skin-tight in all the wrong places.  Sure it hugs my gut, and no, it won't stop bullets, but seriously, what arch-villain is going to attack me while I am in the shower?  I've even chosen a proper superhero moniker to go with my new title.  Forevermore, I am now...

SHOWER MAN!

What do you think?  Suitably subtle yet a good disguise for my mild-mannered alter ego, Tech Support Man.  Perhaps a bit too general.  Hmmm.  My spandex suit is made of glittery gold...  I know!

GOLDEN SHOWER MAN!

Yes!  That's it!  Brilliant!  GOLDEN SHOWER MAN TO THE RESCUE!!!!  I like it!  It has a lovely ring to it!  I've decided to suit up at first light and go in hard and ready to face the terrors of pruny flesh first thing in the morning!  Like around 11 or so.  Perhaps a battle cry or rallying chant would help...  Ah, I got one:

Neither dark of night nor rainy day,
shall stop my longest shower play!
By virtue of my sweaty mass,
and smelly old swampy ass,
I declare war has began!
Let water beware, for I am...
GOLDEN SHOWER MAN!

Now all I need is a fleshlight lamp or something to charge up my golden glitter!  :-D

Squatchin

The night was warm and so damp I could feel my balls sweating through my pink thong underwear.

But that was Florida in June for you.  Mere moments after arriving and leaving the cool air-conditioned comfort of my sister's van, my body had broken out in what the doctors like to call a full-body sweat.  I was perspiring more fluids per minute than most firehoses can gush to put out forest fires.  But i'm a man.  I can take a little excess moisture.  My sneakers squished when i walked, and whenever i turned my head, droplets of salt-soaked brine flicked away into the blazing oven of death that the air had become, then immediately turned to steam, adding to the ambient humidity. Humidity.  What an understatement.  If I had squeezed the air I could have drunk it like a wet bar rag, much like that time I had nothing but Ice beer at 3 different bars on a warm summer night.

But that's another story.

I slipped on my goggles.  No, they weren't night-vision, just an old pair of dusty aviator's goggles I found in our garage.  But my night vision is excellent.  Just in time, too as a wicked flash heralded the arrival of another storm cell.  Thunder crashed immediately afterward, and I squeezed my impressively meaty butt cheeks together so as not to soil myself again.  Carrying a large dufflebag across one shoulder, I headed for my sister's front door, and immediately tripped over a brick lining the pathway, sprawling into the underbrush of the front garden.  I glanced about, but the foliage managed to hide both the light from the front doorway and the nearby streetlights.  I was lost.  I felt something dripping down my forehead, but as I went to wipe it away, i realized it wasn't sweat, but something huge and dark and foul, something spawned in the depths of the undergrowth, something that preyed on weary travelers who didn't quite make it to the relative safety of the front door.  I threw up my hands and moved them rapidly to and fro in an aggressive kung-fu-like gesture, screaming my battle cry (which only sounds like a little girl's cry of fear to those who don't understand the ways of a true warrior such as myself), and turned to charge in the opposite direction.  Slamming facefirst into the wall of my sister's house, i rebounded instantly and fell onto my back.  My fierce howl of bloodlust, or the sight of a large fat man in aviator goggles must have terrified the foul beast enough to make it flee, or I had simply squashed it between my nose and the rough brick of my sisters' house.  It was hard to tell, since the impact had numbed everything from my neck up, since true men such as myself do not feel pain the way that other mortals do.  Another roll of thunder reminded me that I was still lost, and a flash startled my sobbing into silence.  I had to be quiet.  Crying like a small baby might bring other foul denizens of the forest, or worse...

Spiders.

My flesh crawled at the very thought of them.  Creepy, inhuman things tromping about with 8 legs, multiple eyes and the unfeeling flesh of an exoskeleton.  Steel-like strands of spider silk catching the unwary with deadly accuracy, binding your limbs and holding you fast until their wicked, curving fangs pierced your quivering flaccid flab and pumped gallons of venom deep deep into your nervous system.  But not killing you.  Oh, no, that would be too easy.  Spiders, that very essence of unadultered evil, even worse than the bits of ash at the end of Time Bandits, didn't want you dead.  Like the vampires of myth and the fantasies of teenage girls everywhere, spiders liked to suck your pre-digested juices right the hell out of you, leaving you a semi-living husk of paralyzed beef jerky, just like my buddy Rich.

But I must not succumb to fear!  Uncurling my massively thick body from the fetal position, I did my best to stop my trembling form from becoming another human sacrifice to the unclean gods of the woods.  I pulled myself to my feet, wiping the emotions from my tear-streaked cheeks, and began forcing my way through the dense foliage.  I was determined more than ever to make it to my sister's front door!  I briefly considered abandoning my dufflebag to the various creepy crawlies that had infested my sister's front garden, but alas, it contained fresh underwear, that very essential ingredient of not only survival, but the very thing your mother told you to always have on in case of an accident!  The sheer weight of it nearly dragged me to my death, but I fought on, through the deep puddles of stagnant rainwater, infested with god only knew how many seething mosquito larvae, nearly drowning several times as the dufflebag nearly pulled me under, but I prevailed!  Another flash of lightning showed me, off in the distance, like a bright ray of sunshine highlighting the wings of angels, THERE WAS THE PATH!

I cried out in a mixture of unbridled joy and orgiastic relief, and began to waddle as fast as I could for the rain-slogged concrete.  But before I could get there, there was an almighty shout that pierced the deepest depths of the darkest shadows of the mist-fogged forest of my sister's front garden.

"SAAAAAAAAAASQUAAAAAAAAAAATCH!"

I nearly died of fright.  And I thought spiders were evil. The very concept of a large, hairy gorilla-like thing stomping around in the black greenery with me was almost more than i could bear, and much more than my bladder could handle.  At least my sweat-soaked shorts couldn't be any damper.  I tried to turn my head in every direction at once, but immediately stopped when the aging vertebrae of my neck crackled like machine gun fire.  There, deeper in the forested garden, was a brightly-clothed man with night vision goggles on his head, screaming his head off about having sighted bigfoot!  I was terrified.  I followed the direction his outstretched arm was waving at, and realized with  an audible shudder that he was pointing my way!  I gasped in terror, sucking in a small bug and choking suddenly on its seemingly enormous girth now trapped in my airway.  Coughing futilely, I managed to avoid asphyxiation in time to realize I was in mortal danger!

There was no time to look around for the source of the man's shout.  Sasquatch, that mythological beast, slayer of whole tribes of american indians and terrorizer of the european pilgrims of Plymouth rock, was near me!  I fled as fast as I could in the last known direction of the path.  Mighty warrior I may be, but this was no time for heroics!  I would gladly have faced one, no, TWO small kittens in brutal no holds barred cage wrestling match rather than face a spider infested sasquatch-wood!  Waddling as fast as my enormous hindquarters would allow, bouncing my lovehandles off trees and bird baths, gasping so hard my lungs extruded from my body in an effort to get more air, I fled.  The brightly colored man ran after me, nightmarish flashes that I thought were more lightning only served to disorient me as I realized he was trying to take pictures. Pictures, can you imagine?  Here I am about to get mauled by a rampaging mythological beast, and he wants to catch it on film!  And I couldn't even see the thing!  His night vision goggles must have been able to pierce the dismal gloom slightly better than my aviator's goggles, because he kept ranting about bigfoot and taking pictures of something that must have been behind me!

I whirled around, then back, but couldn't catch sight of the thing, finally turning back at him and screaming WHEEERRRRRRREE? but I think in his heightened state of fear, my words failed to reach him, and the terror of spiders and sasquatch got the better of him.  he fled deeper into the garden as I stumbled out to the relatively calm concrete-lined walkway of the path.

I stuffed my overwrought lungs back into my body and tried to regain control of my wildly flailing limbs.  The bright glow of the porch light was full in my face as I realized I had made it to the front door.  I laughed hysterically, to the point of madness.  I'd made it!  By the grace of all the gods of light and dark working in some sort of unholy conjunctivity of cooperation, I'd made it to my sister's front door!  I turned my face upwards, rain sluicing down my face, and shouted a wordless cry of victory as my sister opened the front door of her home.

"While you're out there, can you bring in my stuff, too?" she asked.