Hatchet - Review

Spring Approacheth! Actually the bugs bunny quote is, the king approacheth, but I always use it for spring because, well, there's not too many kings around here. I mean, there's Stephen, but he's like, 4 states away or something (i'd have to check a map to be sure). SO yea, the weather here has been like 20 degrees above normal for like, months now, and this month, we've gone and hit 30+ degrees above normal for this time of year. What does that mean to you?

It means I am sweating my balls off as i write this.

Yes, that's right. I am a large man and we sweat a lot on the most average of days. Put the temp at around 85 (yes it is 85 degrees in my house right now, and that's in the cooler rooms), and buckets of sweat pour from my man-flesh at incredible rates. In my steam bath of a bedroom, it's probably around 95. I hope you guys appreciate the sacrifices I make to bring you entertainment. But enough about my sweaty arse.

So I figure... what to do on a dark and steamy night when it's around 100 degrees in my thong underwear and it's deathly quiet in my house? If you said "HORROR MOVIE!" you are the big winner. Give yourself a pat on the ass, no, go right ahead, I'll wait. What, you can't feel that? You've been sitting on your ass too long. Yea, I know, me too.

So I fired up old Netflix. Yes, I have like 400+ movies in my instant queue now. It's weird how it works. I go into netflix to watch something in my instant queue, and end up adding like 5 movies. So for every movie or two I watch, I add 5 or 10 new ones. I'll never catch up. On the plus side, 300 of those 400+ movies are horror. The rest are lesbian porn (and yes, the chick in england is hot, brando. Although I've never seen her and I don't know who she might be, I always picture Saffron Burrows when I think of her, the hot english-accented chick from Deep Blue Sea). So I think "Tonight's a good night for a slasher flick!" and i remember Danielle Harris, the lead actress from Halloween 4 and 5, and one of the supporting actresses from Halloween (the remake). I know she'd enjoy a good horror movie! So i tried to pick something she starred in (since I just saw her in The Last Boy Scout a couple nights ago playing Bruce Willis' daughter), and came upon Hatchet.

Now, a little background on the movie. Danielle Harris, who actually stars in hatchet 2, and the now-filming hatchet 3, is NOT actually in Hatchet. Yea, I thought she was, too. But no, apparently they recast the character of "marybeth" in the second movie as the heroine, and needed Danielle Harris to fill in. I did not realize this until way into the movie, but oh well. By that time, the movie had me laughing hysterically. I mean seriously, for a goddamn B horror movie, that is some funny shit right there, so I had to finish watching it.

Basically, there's some guys in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, and a couple of them decide to go on a haunted boat ride in the bayou. So they end up getting stranded in the swamp and hunted down by Victor Crowley, who is the local boogeyman. Old Vic used to be just a horribly deformed little boy (much like jason voorhees from the friday the 13th movies), but his dad, who had been taking care of Vic, accidentally took a hatchet to Vic's forehead while trying to free him from a burning house. VIc's dad (played by Kane Hodder, the guy who actually PLAYED jason voorhees in a couple of the friday the 13th films) just sort of died of a broken heart after that, but years later, Vic came back from the dead to go around killing people in the swamp.

Now a couple things about this movie. One, it's rather well done. Oh I'm not talking big budget. No, I mean just plain well done. There's some killing at the beginning to let you know what kind of movie it is, and then we cut straight to the boobies. And there are boobies. It's mardi gras in new orleans! And one of the chicks looked like someone I knew back in college. Her name was Vic too, come to think of it. She used to wear these transparent white pants so you could see her thong underneath. But this was back in the late 80's, when wearing transparent white pants was in style... Riiiight. Then right after the boobage, we come to the comedy part. Freakin genius, the comedy in this movie. Whoever wrote it needs to write for david letterman or something, cuz the boy's got talent. I don't often laugh out loud at movies, especially horror movies, but this one had me cackling like a rabid hyena all through the transition between the boobs and the actual horror. The interaction between the characters is just so goddamn spot on, I can't even tell you how hilarious that shit is. I will start giggling again just thinking about it. And then BAM we're into the horror part and there's still some humor popping up, but at this point it's pretty much back to your basic horror slasher type flick. But still funny! And gory and almost scary for a B-horror flick. So, all in all, pretty damn good.

I don't have a star-rating system, but I basically rate by whether I'd watch it again or not, and oh yea. I think definitely rewatchable here. Just for the boobage and the comedy parts alone. AND, you get to see what Kane Hodder really looks like under all that makeup. Yes, not only did he play the part of Victor (the growed up version), but he played Jason Voorhees and some other big ugly slasher villains, too! None of which come to mind right now. Oh, er, the Swamp thing, he played that too, i think. Anyway, he looks just like a normal guy playing Vic's dad! I was surprised! And no, I mean, I wasn't expecting Kane Hodder to be a big ugly misshapen mass of humanity under all that makeup, but... uh... come to think of it, yes. Yes, I was. But no! I was wrong, he's actually a big chubby hairy guy, pretty average looking, sort of reminds me of my brother in law in a backwoodsy way. Only, with more hair. Or like me. Only, less sweaty.

So yea, great movie, I hear the second one was even better, and they are making a third one! A whole goddamn series of movies! I love series! And boobs. I love boobs. And cookies.

Oh, and a quick note, I am not getting Diablo 3. Blizzard decided to not only charge $60 for the game itself, but they are charging for access to the in-game auction of items and stuff. Yea, from what I heard, they charge you a small amount to post an item for auction (charging real-world money, if only a small amount), AND they also skim a percentage of the sale price. SO blizzard gets paid for the game, you pay them every time you want to auction an in-game item (whether it sells or not), and IF it sells, they also get a percentage of the profit YOU made selling your IN-GAME item. So since every tom, dick and asshole just HAS to have the next Diablo 3 (because they buy blizzard's hype, not the game), they are going to make a fucking KILLING off this game. They will literally have so much money coming in that bill gates' eyes will pop out of his goddamn head. And it's going to do so well that EVERY company will then do the same goddamn thing, and in 10 years I'm going to have to pay out of my real-life pocket to buy myself an in-game sword and commit in-game seppuku just to protest this nonsense. And I can't afford that. So I'm stopping the madness NOW by not purchasing Diablo 3. Sure, I won't stop anyone else from buying into it. Because Blizzard's ads are MUCH better at convincing you that you NEED Diablo 3 than I am at convincing you that yet ANOTHER iteration of the "walk through yet another darkly-lit area fighting off millions of monsters in scripted wave after wave" is not going to be GREAT FUN! I mean, what, the first two games didn't clue you in? Christ, I played the demo for the FIRST game and got bored by it. I only bought the second because my buddy Rich wanted to see me play a half-naked amazon chick and run around in front of him with my spear so my amazon-kilt would fly up and he might see my 2d-pixellated ass. Apparently because doing it in real life just wasn't as much fun. So, uh, I sure as hell am NOT getting the third one, with all the strings attached. It's like having sex with a hooker you KNOW has herpes, crabs and syphilis, only to find out she also gave you aids and you have to spend the rest of your short sorry life paying for meds just to live out a miserable, lonely existence. But nobody realizes it! No, Blizzard just flops their big advertising boobies in the face of the public at large and everyone goes all googly-eyed and that's it! Then everyone's got STDs and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times. So go on! Buy Diablo 3. Enjoy the itching, scratching, pustulating sores and deadly fungal infections until you bleed out in a hospital bed, alone and untouchable. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

And please, Scrolls of Wisdom is such a long sobriquet, even abbreviated to SoW. Call me scribe. But maybe "sow" is technically more descriptive, with the man-boobs and all. Hmmm. Put me out in the sun for too long and I do smell like bacon. :-/