Okay, yea, it's wednesday, and I decided to head to the local web drive-in called NetFlix. Tonight NetFlix was showing a double feature of movies that I personally selected from their vast library of horror flicks! So without further ado, here's reviews #3 and #4!
DEAD SNOW: I heard about this movie a couple years back, I think it was. Back when I still had a job, the idea of a bunch of Nazi zombies running around in the snow sounded AWESOME to me. As it turns out, this is yet ANOTHER foreign horror movie! ALSO with swedish actors! At least, I think they were. They had names like bjorn and olga and steve and.... ok, well there weren't any steve's so it was probably sweden. Come to think of it, there probably weren't any olga's either. But I'm almost 20% sure there was a bjorn in there somewhere. Had to be sweden if there was a bjorn in it, right? Well, that's my line of thinking.
So in this movie, a bunch of swedish friends decide to visit a mountain cabin for some well deserved R+R. I mean, they are med students, for crying out loud, and one of them passes out at the sight of blood! JUST LIKE ME! :-o It scares me how much I have in common with the people in all these horror movies I review. (checks behind him) Ok, there's no one sneaking up on me with an axe. I was worried I was that one guy, who is so focused on what he is doing that the camera shows the killer sneaking up behind him and raising the axe, and he just has no idea that he's about to- HOLY CRAP MOM DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!!! I'm busy typing and she pokes her head in my door to say goodnight. I almost died right there. Holy shit.
You know what bothers me about this movie? There's no explanation whatsoever. I mean, yea, this hiker drops by and scares the kids with his tales of what happened during WW2 in the area, basically, a really mean troop of german soldiers took up residence in the town, killed and tortured and raped and looted, and then the residents of the town rose up against them and slaughtered them all but the german commander and a few of his troops escaped with the town's gold. Which is fine, it lets you know who the zombies are, but how the HELL did they suddenly arise now? What, they've been hiding under a snowbank for 50 years? Why the fuck did they come back JUST NOW? Nothing. No explanation.
I think this is more a comedy horror film than anything else. There's tons of gore, and a fairly protracted battle against a horde of nazi zombies, but probably the funniest laugh out loud part of the movie comes when a guy is bitten on the arm by a zombie before he is able to dispatch it. Now, these are medical students, but one of them was a film buff, and he warned the rest of them not to let themselves get bitten, because of the risk of them becoming zombies like in all the films. So without any evidence that he might become a zombie, he amputates his own arm with a chainsaw and cauterizes the bloody stump. Then, proud of himself and ready for more, he saunters back to where his buddy is waiting, and then a zombie bites him in the scrotum. He dispatches this zombie as well, then looks down at his scrotum... then the bloody chainsaw... then his scrotum... Then just shakes his head as if to say FUCK IT and gets ready for the next wave of zombies. lol Yea I laughed so hard i coughed up a lung. No, not part of it, a whole one. I think it was the left one. Did I mention I was sick? Damn cold and flu season.
So yea, if you like B-movie horror comedy, go for Dead Snow! I laughed a bit.
THE LAST EXORCISM: I've got this buddy in Australia. He asked me to find him some truly scary horror films. I've been reading steven king since I was 7, and watching horror films all my life, so this could be a bit hard for me. The Exorcist was pretty scary, right? Let's start with that kind of movie.
The Last Exorcism is a documentary about a reverend who's been faking it. He's an entertainer, pure and simple. He uses tricks and fast talk to pull the wool over the eyes of the average true believer so he can make his living for a long time. But at this point, the pastor is so fed up with the deaths attributed to his church that he's had enough. He decides it's time to come clean, invites in a film crew to watch him perform his fake miracles, while he explains to the camera how it's done, because he's out of the business after this. So he picks a letter at random, some poor farmer in a hick town in louisiana is having demon possession troubles and he's going to go perform his song and dance on film as part of his documentary to expose how the church tricks it's faithful into giving more.
Unfortunately, and as you and I both suspected, things don't turn out exactly as he expects.
I liked this movie. Honestly, the actors in this did a bang up job. The farm folk are truly terrifying, just because they are farm folk. The father is wholly ignorant of science and completely believes in the power of the lord to save his daughter, and the daughter is completely creepy as the supposed "possessed," and even the brother is scary as your typical back-road hick who doesn't like outsiders. Your only view is through the eyes of the camera, you only see what it sees, so you as the viewer only know what it shows you. This has been used before of course, in movies such as Blair witch and Quarantine. To be honest I don't think it was done any better or differently here, but the nice part about this movie is, it also shows all the before-story leading up to the action and the after-story, at least as much as the cameraman could film. I was surprised by the plot twists multiple times, and honestly had no idea how the movie was going to end. For me, this is unusual. As I've said, I've seen a few of these things. lol
One of the biggest things about this movie is the scenery. It was actually shot in louisiana, to the point where I can actually recognize some of the locations. Yes, I have been to louisiana. In fact, i think I stayed at that farmer's house and may have had sex with his daughter, too. Hmmm. Odd coincidence, nothing more.
For my buddy in Australia, I recommend this one. This was scary in the "I have NO idea how this is going to end" way. There are times when you go "oh, of course that's how it is." only to have the movie go "Fuck you, it's not like that at all." and then you argue with the movie, saying "no, it is, i saw this and that was said and then this happened so this is what comes next." and the movie talks back at you like "Dude, you are so high right now, I want a piece of what you are smoking." and you look at the screen like a zombie yourself for several minutes and then you pass it a joint, like it's going to take it. It's a SCREEN you moron! It doesn't smoke! And then you realize you've got a fever and you have to go lay down now.
At least, that's how things went with me. My head hurts. More horror tomorrow.
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