Right, well, it's october and I haven't reviewed any horror movies yet! and it's the tenth already! Ack!
My only excuse is, my mother was having some health issues. She's doing fine, thanks.
Now before I review the first movie, I have some beefs. The first is, the new season of House blows. House's whole team is gone, all the cute girls are gone, and the only people left on the show from last season are the people I didn't care for very much. Look, i know the basic plot of every episode is, Dr. House solves a medical conundrum, but duh... We know that's going to happen anyway because, as I believe I mentioned, it's the PLOT OF EVERY EPISODE. What i was watching the show for was to see if he could solve the problems in his own life... which, apparently, he can't. And the show better get some of the old cast back or it's boring for me. I will stop watching, don't think I won't! I WANT THIRTEEN BACK GODDAMMIT! She was so hot. (whine)
My second beef is with these stupid Direct TV commercials, the ones advertising the ability to have the same movie on in every room of your house... What the hell is that all about? Okay, here's my problem. First, you'd need to be rich enough to have TV's in practically every room of your house for it to be terribly useful. Second, you'd have to be rich enough not to have to share your TV's with other members of your family, or in other words, you are rich and single. OR, every person in your household wants to watch the same movie that you are, and doesn't mind you pausing it while you meander from room to room in your house doing whatever it is you're doing while you should be just watching the TV, and what are the odds of that? Thirdly, what in your life is so important that you have to wander from one room to another just to get it done while you watch TV? I mean, if things are so damn important that you can't sit your ass down for a couple hours to watch TV, then why the HELL are you watching TV in the first place? So not only are they advertising this service to a very miniscule section of their audience (the fairly wealthy) but they are trying to sell them a service that they don't need if they have the time to sit down and watch TV, or that they can't afford the time to actually use if they don't have the time to watch TV in the first place... So who the hell is buying this? I guess it's true, you do get promoted to your level of stupidity. Whoever is in charge of advertising for Direct TV is a bloody moron.
Movie #1: PIRANHA! Not the 1978 version this time, or whatever. I saw the 2010 version recently! It's actually not bad. It's playing on Showtime this month if you haven't seen it already.
Reasons I like this movie: It's got gratuitous nudity! Yes, and I don't just say that because I'm a horny old goat. I say that because back in the 1980's, they threw gratuitous nudity into EVERY monster movie. I'm not really sure why, but it made all of them infinitely better. I mean, think about it, you're watching a crappy monster movie, and you're about to switch to something else, and then BAM there's a pair of nice floppy boobies bouncing across the screen! Certainly an attention grabber, right? I mean, if you're of the male persuasion, or of the female population that prefers the same gender, it is. The truth is, a lot of these monster/horror movies I enjoy don't have the best plots. There are holes, they left all the explanation on the cutting room floor, whatever. Nudity will distract you from a bad plot long enough to get you back to the horror and action! Think of it as a plot forwarding device. Also, there's a lot of gore! I mean, amounts of gore that even I cringed at, and that's saying something. PIRANHA reminded me of my youth, when movies could still shock me, when boobies were something that popped into every other scene, and when the senseless violence was so over the top that it just made me burst into outright laughter! Plus, it's got Elizabeth Shue in it, and i haven't seen her in ages, and I am still in love with her from every other movie I've ever seen her in, and damn it, if she won't return my calls and her bodyguards keep me away, then this is the only way I can see her!
Things I didn't like about Piranha: It plays like a Syfy channel movie of the week, with gore and nudity thrown in. I mean, seriously, there's a death not 5 minutes into the movie, as far as I could tell, unless I missed the beginning. There's no suspense whatsoever, and what little explanation is given is tossed in in bits and pieces, most of it by Christopher Lloyd, who, quite frankly, is a great actor and should have had tons more air time, but still, the viewers have to piece together the explanation of how the piranhas got there and where they came from in bits and pieces. Which, is fine if you're a reasonably intelligent human being and you have a halfway decent memory, but if you're the average Joe-Bob "Buck" McHenry, you're going to look at this movie and go "What in the HELL is a Piranha? Ain't that those candy-filled horsies the kids break open on their birthdays?" Yea, so that's probably one reason why this movie didn't do well at the theaters, no explanations. Another reason would be, no suspense. The piranhas kill quick and fast and everybody! lol
I'd like to see more movies like this in two respects... one, the nudity and gore are reminiscent of the 80's horror films that I loved so much. Two, it's not a remake... Sure, it's piranha, but it's an entirely new plot, new location, new setting, new heroes! The only thing the same is the stupid trick with the rope they use to get away from the piranhas. It's like they watched the first movie for ideas! lol The only things they need to do is put in more suspense, and dumb it down JUST a smidgen. Too much dumbing down kills anything, I mean, look at console gamers, just as an example. And if you have to ask what that means, I can already tell you are a console gamer. ;-)
More movie reviews to come! Somehow I have to squeeze 30 more movie reviews in the next 3 weeks? And I am trying to write a book this month! HAH! Where the HELL will I ever find the time? Eh, sleep is overrated. Will I get it all done? Probably not! Such is life. lol
No comments:
Post a Comment