Survivng a Bear Attack

Okay, so I'm at work, reading news articles on my break, and I come across this story.

http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/stories/how-to-survive-a-bear-attack

And I'm like, wow, this really breaks it down for you, depending on where you live and what kind of bear you run into. Except basically, aside from bear spray, you really don't have a defense against bears. If they want to charge you and eat your face off, your new nickname, should you actually survive the attack, is Skeletor for the rest of your life. And the bear spray not only doesn't always work, but how many campers carry around bear spray?

Now wait a minute. If you're like me, you've seen a few nature shows in your lifetime, even if it was only accidentally tuning into a National Geographic Special hoping to see native girl boobies. I've seen Wolverines fight off bears, and wolverines are a lot smaller than people. I've even seen a video on the internet of a cat chasing a bear up a tree. True story. So why can't humans do the same thing?

And don't give me that, well, we don't have any claws or anything, BULLSHIT. We have teeth! We have fists! Even better, we can pick up pointy objects like branches, kitchen knives, ninja swords and oh, you know, GUNS, and use those to defend ourselves with. I think I see the problem here. When attacked by bears, we focus on SURVIVING and DEFENDING ourselves. We're such panzies. No wonder bears eat us. We should be focused on KILLING THE SHIT OUT OF THE BEARS UNTIL THEY DIE FROM IT. I mean come on, think about it. You've heard of rape cases. When the woman beats the shit out of the attackers, she never gets raped. When she tries to "defend herself," she's always taking it up the ass a few minutes later. It's all about attitude, I'm telling you!

Look, I'll simplify my plan for you. From now on, every human, every where, every time we even SEE a goddamn bear, we RUN SCREAMING AT THE THING AND TRY TO KILL IT. And don't give me that "animal conservation" bullshit. They always tell you bears are faster than you, stronger than you, and half of them can climb trees. I don't think even half of humans can climb trees. You really think we're going to hurt the bears by running at them, screaming obscenities and trying to kill them? No. They are either going to do one of two things. (1) Flee, or (2) swat us down like babies and laugh while they eat our brains with a little white wine. Sure, we may lose a few people along the way. But in 10, 20 years, tops, every time even a goddamn polar bear sees a human, he will turn and RUN FOR HIS FUCKING LIFE.

Because let's face it... people not only taste bad, but we hunt in packs. I'm sure an armed mob will easily take down a polar bear, I don't HOW big the fucker is. You give me about 20 or 30 rednecks armed with baseball bats, lead pipes, chainsaws, nooses, axes and a gun or two, then that damn bear is going down in a bloody mess.

Ten or twenty years, I'm telling you. By then, either the Bear Network will get the message out to leave humans the fuck alone, or every bear on the damn planet will end up a cozy rug by the fireplace. EITHER WAY BEARS!! EITHER FUCKING WAY!!!! WE'RE SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT!!! IT'S ON!!!!!!!!!!