My internet's down? Oh noes!

As an older man (lordy lordy, I'm almost 40!), I can't help but notice how much the internet has changed our lives. Sure, we've all emailed each other, and we've all surfed the net at work when we should have been working, but how many of us really pay attention to how much we are using the internet?

Not me, that's for sure. But my internet went down last night, and great googly moogly, I sure missed it. I admit, the game I was playing was not an online game. I mean, I was playing it for hours before I realized my net was down. But dammit, the trainer I was using to cheat WAS connected to the net, and when the trainer was unable to reach the internet, it died. Leaving me defenseless against the darkspawn horde. And I thought, isn't that really what the net does for us? Protect us from the darkspawn horde?

What's the darkspawn horde, you ask? Why, it's from Dragon Age: Origins. A Role-Playing Game I picked up last month. What's that you say? I've just identified myself as a big hairy geek who lives with his mother? What of it? I'm proud to be a big hairy geek. And I wouldn't go saying anything like that to mom, she's a big hairy beast, and would doubtless eat you for breakfast and save your giblets for hors d'ouvres. We're a hungry family, you see, and times are tough. Err, in any case, the darkspawn horde are a vast army of bloodthirsty, evil beings who were once dwarves, humans and elves, i think, but have been corrupted and warped into skinless, savage versions of themselves. Much like Jehovah's Witnesses.

Now, I know what you are thinking. No, not that I am insane, you're thinking "Oh Great Wandering Scribe, how does the internet protect us from the darkspawn horde?" I am so glad you asked that. It's a very good question. You are smarter than you look. Give me a moment to scratch my balls, and I'll tell you.

I often think of the darkspawn horde as an allegory on the ignorance in today's society. It seems everywhere you go, you are assaulted with the ignorant shouting their worldview at you. "The earth is boiling!" "We're all getting fat!" "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten!" "You MUST stop at stop signs!" We've all heard it. If any of it were true, there would be no cats left.

The internet helps to stop that. The internet keeps you enlightened in an age of darkness. Why, if the Vikings had the internet back in the dark ages, no one would know who the Vikings are, because they'd all have stayed at home and played Everquest. You can look up anything you want. Anything at all. If you want to know what nymphomania is, you can look it up. If you are unsure how to spell gonorrhea, it's right there. If you want to know where the nearest whorehouse is, check Google maps. You can even get high-resolution, detailed pictures of Pamela Anderson's breasts, back when she was hot. Yes, the internet can even look through time.

I myself am sometimes worried that I am not armored enough against the horde. I mean, there I am at work, playing a game against my supervisor on my work computer, and he's sitting beside me playing his side of the game from his... what? I don't even know what it was. It was like a cell-phone / keyboard / mini-computer thingy with a touch screen, that's all I can tell you. And the pages loaded faster on his google-pad, or whatever it was, faster than on my desktop. I don't even own a cell phone. How can I possibly defend myself against the ravenous bloodthirsty hordes of the ignorant darkspawn?

What? Why don't I own a cell phone? What's wrong with me? I'm insane and I don't have any friends. Didn't I just tell you I live with my mom? Duh. Stop interrupting me.

To my naysayers, I say to thee, NAY! It doesn't take a full suit of armor and shield, and a broadsword the size of florida to hold back the scourges of the darkness. A single solitary weapon of intellect can hold off legions of the darkspawn, if you know how to use it. I've got my internet connection, and though it may be the size of Mr Tiny, I strike with the fierceness of a man who gives himself brushburns when he masturbates! Woe to the ignorant who dareth say unto me, THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE!!! I say to them, BUT SHE HAS BOOBIES THE SIZE OF WATERMELONS!!! Though hordes of the ignorant darkspawn surround me, and reproduce with the speed of Agent Smith in the third installment of the Matrix trilogy, as long as I draw breath I shall use my internet connection to look at sheep porn, and NO ONE SHALL STOP ME!!!!

MUA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But if you take my net connection away, I cry like a hungry, angry baby.