Double oh Zero

So I'm watching this James Bond weekend on Encore, some premium channel on my cable network. And I'm amazed how well the James Bond movies weather the times. They are all action based, which of course, always does well over time, but I think the movie's attitude is also always forward-looking, which never hurts. Think of the plots, and I think the earlier you go, the better this is represented. Dr No was about a Chinese agent of Spectre working with nuclear power to interrupt and down rockets. Goldfinger was about using a nuclear weapon to destroy Fort knox. You Only Live Twice was about starting a war with the conquest of space. Even the gadgets are space-age. Lasers in wristwatches, miniature explosives, cars tricked out with armor plating and rocket launchers, even cloaking technology.
Bond himself was a world class superhero, too. Vulnerable and human, yes, but determined, classy, cunning and brutally efficient when necessary to accomplish his mission. And, yes, a womanizing assassin, I grant you, but seriously, what do you think spies do? They seduce and kill people to get the information they need. He was only a heroic example of the species.
The villiains, now those are what made each Bond movie better than the last. Jaws, with his metal lined teeth. Spectre, an organization of criminal geniuses and terrorists. Beautiful women smugglers. German assassins, russian generals, fire-scarred terrorists. Sharks with frickin laser beams on their frickin heads. Errrr. Wrong movie. Scratch that last one.
I think the last good Bond movie I saw was with Pierce Brosnan as Bond, Halle Berry as the Bond Girl, and involved, I believe, the diamond-studded terrorist son of a Korean general who used a satellite to melt an entire palace made of ice. Typical of Bond films, over the top action, saving the world, and Bond saving the girl and killing the bad guy. Bond, as they say, always gets his man. And the Girl.
And it didn't matter which Bond you had, they were always good. Sean Connery was suave yet crudely efficient, Roger Moore was a bit more comical, always with a good one liner. Timothy Dalton was perhaps a little too serious, and Pierce Brosnan perhaps a little too thin. But they all broght something fresh to the role while still maintaining the essential bond-ness.
Until we come to the latest Bond. Daniel Craig, I believe his name is. Now I have no opinion on his talents as an actor. I've only seen him in one Bond movie. He did seem rather wooden and I didn't really see any emotion from him. But since he took over the role of Bond, Bond just hasn't been... Bond anymore.
Let's take a look at Casino Royale. The movie starts by introducing the new Bond. In an opening chase sequence, Bond chases a fugitive into a foreign consulate, trying to get vital information from the guy. Despite nearly dying and being several steps behind the fugitive, Bond catches up with him... and kills him. Without getting the vital information. That's not the Bond I know. And it just gets worse from there. Turns out the villain in this movie is a vicious... poker player, who goes around... crying blood tears. Uh... oooh? Scary? Nah. Little too emo for me. So anyway, this vicous, blood thi- Err, blood-crying villain has a plan to dominate the wo- no, he just wants to pay back his bookie. Hmmmm.
So our intrepid hero, James Bond, License to Kill, is ordered to kill this evil villain! Errr. No. he's ordered to... play poker with him? And by playing poker with him, he's going to find out the evil plan he has! Okay, there's not really an evil plan. Basically, bond is just trying to deny the money to the blood-crying villain so his bookie will kill him. Why Bond doesn't just kill the guy i have no idea.
So anyway, our Danny Bond goes right out to play poker with the highly emo villain. Who by crying tears of blood manages to show more emotion than Bond. And our newest Danny Bond is one helluva poker player, who knows his enemies tells, and always wins... no... he loses his shirt in the first round. Hmmmm. And then manages to get himself poisoned and not just nearly dies.. but actually DOES die.
And gets revived by the Bond girl. Using the latest Bond gadget, a ... portable... defibrillator. Not even a Nuclear-powered Laser defibrillator. Just a battery powered one. Well, anyway, after that, he goes on to kill the evil, crying emo villain! Errr. No. The evil villain tortures him. By stripping him naked. And hitting his testicles with a knotted rope. Hmmmm. Well, then. A little too kinky for me. Not that there's, uh, anything wrong with that sort of thing. Then again, what can you expect from an emo villain who cries tears of blood?
So Bond kills the evil villains for destroying his ballsack, right? No, the Bond girl makes a deal to save his life, and gets killed in the end. Right. makes sense, uh, I guess. So let's review. One explosion at the beginning. Lots of card playing. Two dead bond girls. One lost pair of testicles. Why did I watch this movie again?
Daniel Craig has already gone and made a second film. Which, according to the only person I know who's seen it, is even worse than Casino Royale. Now I have a suggestion that might stop the, ah, utter pussification of the Bond series. Make it Jane Bond. Oh yes. Make Bond a woman. i mean come on, the new Bond now has no testes, why not make it a girl for real? That'd give a whole new dynamic to the relationship between Bond and M, and Bond and Q, and the ... oooh. Bond girls. Girl on girl ... heh... "Bonding." I made myself giggle.