There are some actors that can act, and some actors that can get away with playing themselves on TV for money. Strangely, it seems like the guys that just play themselves, seem to get more money. Hmmmm. There's probably some weird Hollywood foible in there somewhere, just waiting to be plucked out, but I'm a little too tired to finesse it free. Let's just get to the reviews.
John Wick (2014) stars Keanu Reeves in the title role, as a guy who just lost his wife. A final gift from his dead wife, a puppy, seems to bring him some comfort in his time of mourning. Sadly, a russian speaking gentleman makes an offer on Wick's rather pretty little muscle car, and John refuses to sell. The man, apparently in the Russian mafia, comes back later to make John an offer he can't refuse. John loses his car, and his puppy, and a bit of blood, but not his life. Unfortunately for the russian mafia who killed his dog, John isn't just your random, run-of-the-mill carjacking victim. He's John Wick, and John Wick just happens to be a retired assassin.
I just love these kinds of stories, to be quite honest. The tale of your standard, run-of-the-mill Joe who happens to get picked on by a group of thugs, who happen to underestimate their quarry. I love it when the hunter becomes the hunted, when you don't know who's the one doing the luring and who's the one doing the trapping. To be honest, this wasn't one of the better ones, but it was an enjoyable action movie, all the same.
Obviously, Keanu Reeves plays the title role, and those of you who have seen keanu before know he's not going to be getting any Oscars anytime soon. Still, I'm sure he's very well paid, which is probably more than enough to console his lack of awards. John Lequizamo, Willem Dafoe and Ian McShane play various supporting roles along the way, but don't get much screen time. Most of the movie is John Wick doing what John Wick does best, killing everyone he sees and working his way through the russian mafia to find his prey. He stumbles a few times along the way, mind you. As John says, he must be "a little rusty."
Drawbacks of this film include the combat scenes seeming a little contrived. I guess this was done for dramatic effect, because it doesn't seem quite realistic, at least part of the time. For instance, thugs who you'd think he would just breeze through, seem to take forever to eliminate, so that the plot thickens. Others that should probably take longer, seem to go down without much of a struggle. It's not in all cases, mind you, just a few, and it doesn't terribly drag the film down.
No nudity that I recall, just a lot of violence, mostly melee and gun battles. Enjoyable to watch, but a bit of a slow starter. John Wick is on HBO this month if you want to watch it. I'd say give it a watch for the melees, shootings, executions, and probably the best moment of the entire movie, when John Wick steps up behind a bouncer and puts a gun to his head. "Hello, Francis." John says. "Hello, John. Here on business?" Francis asks. "Yes. Why don't you take the night off?" John suggests. To which, Francis replies in the affirmative. I loved that part. Just loved it. Why don't more bad guys just admit they're fucked when faced with that kind of situation, and just go away? Of course, if everyone in the movie did that, there wouldn't be a movie, I suppose.
Our second movie tonight is Nightcrawler (2014). Jake Gyllenhaal stars as Louis Bloom, who is stealing copper to make ends meet. Louis Bloom is out of work, and so willing to do just about anything for money that he beats a security guard up just to escape with his hard-earned copper. Sounds like he could easily get work in politics, the legal profession, or even collections work, but instead, Louis happens upon a car accident, and a freelance cameraman who goes around filming various newsworthy events to sell to the local news. Louis sees a quick way to make a few bucks, and his morally ambiguous work ethic comes into play.
Sadly, Nightcrawler isn't about a giant nocturnal earthworm that eats chicago, or I might have enjoyed it a bit more. I don't recall Mr. Gyllenhaal ever doing a monster movie, so he's not one of my favorite actors, but he seems to display some skill in portraying a warped individual with an overriding desire to succeed. I believe we call them sociopaths, in psychiatric parlance. Apparently, Nightcrawler is the slang term for the freelance news reporters who go around filming these kinds of things, or at least, that's what I understand from the name of the film.
Nightcrawler isn't a found-footage film, but from all the camera work being done, it certainly could have been. Most of the action is captured on Louis' cameras, which he sells to the news director at a local TV station, played by Rene Russo. Bill Paxton plays a minor role as the helpful Nightcrawler who explains his business to Louis, and Louis repays the man's kindness by screwing around with the brakes and/or steering on his vehicle.
To be completely honest, I wasn't going to view this film, let alone review it. Sociopaths aren't my particular cup of tea, mainly because they always seem to get away with what they do. Think Kevin Costner as Mr. Brooks, and you have some idea what I mean. I mean, let's face it, if you're to make a film about a sociopath rising to power by being a cut-throat, merciless killer, well, doesn't that become a documentary, rather than fiction? I don't do documentaries, unless they're wildlife films. Still, I saw that Rene Russo was in it, and I've been a fan of hers since Lethal Weapon 2. And it's always nice to see Bill Paxton collect a paycheck. Somehow, Bill seems to make the movies that he's in seem better, just because he showed up to work that day. So, I mostly watched this for the supporting cast.
Nightcrawler is on Netflix if you want to give it a watch. No nudity, and not much violence, except of the car-crash variety. I can't really recommend watching it, because it's a movie with a moral message, and frankly, I hate those kinds of movies. Sure, technically, friday the 13th movies have a moral message, but they're more about blood, guts and boobies than suggesting you walk the straight and narrow path of moral righteousness. Nightcrawler seems to be telling you that by becoming a cold-hearted sociopath, you can get ahead in life, or maybe I just missed the whole message, there. Hey, I'm not a film critic. I just watch the thing and tell you if I enjoyed it or not, eh?
Let's see, what else is going on, in other news. Oh, right, well, the supreme court decided that same-sex marriages are legal in all 50 states, even where it was otherwise forbidden by state law, and I think that's awesome. I'm heterosexual myself, but I've never believed that tripe about how gays (or queers or lesbians or transsexuals or however you identify yourself) are ruining the institute of marriage, or how they are corrupting the morals of our children. Well, except for transvestites. Those people are nucking futs, and you can be damn sure they are an affront to god, christianity, and they're making the pope go blind! I'm kidding, of course. They're not really making the pope go blind. Seriously, I don't see why anyone shouldn't have the same legal rights to marry as heterosexuals or straights, and I can't understand why the "moral majority" thought it was okay for so long to try and enforce their ideas of what's right and wrong so as to impede the happiness of others. But that would just make sense, and when has the world ever made sense? Well, I guess it makes a little more sense now, but you get the idea. I think. I may not be entirely coherent.
There was a 3-week manhunt for some escaped convicts in my state, that pretty much ended over the last 3 days. Sure, it was on all the news, and I followed it with a fair amount of disinterest because, well, I don't typically watch the news. What struck me during this manhunt wasn't that there's 18,000 other felons out there with active warrants on them that the authorities have no idea where they are, but that the news crews kept asking the police and state representatives how much the search was costing. Look, this is one of the few times that the police are in the news for doing something RIGHT. They're not shooting old ladies sitting on their couches with knitting needles, they're not gunning down unarmed black men, and they're not tasering some sugared-up kids at a pool party, they're hunting for escaped murderers. How is it okay to badger the police about where the money is coming from? Aren't they doing something right? I don't get it. To sum up, the manhunt ended rather abruptly for both suspects, one friday, and one sunday (earlier today). Both suspects were shot by police, and only one survived to be taken into custody.
That's it for tonight! Catch you guys next week, assuming I can find something to watch, and I hope everyone has a great Fourth of July! Those of us that celebrate it as Independence Day, anyway. And why is it that whenever I think of the holiday, I think of that speech from Bill Pullman from the movie with Will Smith? Meh. Too much Sci-fi, I guess.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Review - Gone Girl (2014), Game of Thrones Season Wrap-up
Tonight, I had the misfortune of watching Gone Girl.
Don't hate me. It's not a monster movie, and I'm not a fan of Ben Affleck. In fact, I'm so not a fan of Ben Affleck that I had to look up the cast of Gone Girl just to make sure that it was actually Ben Affleck in the lead role, and not Matt Damon, or one of those other pasty rich white guys. Sorry, but they all look alike to me. And I'm a pasty white guy, so I'm allowed to say that. No, I happened to flick on my TV, and there it was. I almost switched it off, and I probably should have, but dammit, I checked the cast list, and it listed Rosamund Pike, and Neil Patrick Harris, both excellent actors. Being a fan of horror movies, I know that sometimes, a movie can have a great supporting cast, but a horrible lead actor, and still be a halfway decent movie. So I figured what the hell. It's two hours of my life that I would have spent watching TV, anyways. What have I got to lose?
My immortal soul, apparently. That's right, I am going to hell for watching Gone Girl. And I don't even believe in hell, so that's how bad it was.
I missed the first 15 minutes or so. Basically, Gone Girl is the story of a man whose wife goes missing. Ben Affleck plays the confused husband, and Rosamund Pike plays the missing wife. Apparently, the wife goes missing in the first 15 minutes, so that's what I missed. As the story unfolds, we find that the story of the perfect marriage and the kidnapped wife, isn't quite the whole story. But come on. How many times have we heard this tale? Missing wife, abusive husband, missing husband, abusive wife, it's pretty much the Hallmark movie of the... Well, EVERY week. To be perfectly honest, if it hadn't had a bit of nudity and was unbroken by commercial interruptions, I would have thought Lifetime or Hallmark had actually made it.
So let me sum up how bad this movie was. First off, Ben Affleck plays the same guy he always plays, some supposedly likable rich asshole. Look, I don't know Ben Affleck from a stinky homeless guy living in an alleyway, but I don't like him. I don't like how he looks, I don't like the roles he plays, and I don't like the movies he's appeared in. Maybe he's the nicest guy that ever walked the Earth, I don't know, but he looks like a schmuck to me. Maybe that's his Hollywood 'persona,' maybe that's how he garners his movie roles, and maybe that's why he's a highly-paid professional actor and I'm just an out-of-work tech support doofus who reviews crappy movies, but I still don't like him. Who knows, maybe I'll meet Ben Affleck in a bar one day and we'll become awesome drinking buddies and we'll wake up in the same alleyway, reeking of booze and not remembering the night before, but for now, he's just not my favorite person in the whole world, you know what I am saying? Yea, I think you do.
Maybe I'm not supposed to like him in this movie, and if that's what he's going for, then he's nailed it. I liked Rosamund pike as the wife, at least until the movie got rolling. I don't want to give away any spoilers here, but I didn't like the movie, so I'm not going to recommend you watch it. Still, I hate to ruin a movie for anyone, so if you absolutely MUST see Gone Girl to see how bad it was, or just to disagree with my opinion and point out how wrong I am, then it's on HBO this month. So, back to Rosamund Pike. Mild spoiler alert. Good actress, but she plays an awesome bitch in this movie. I guess she pretty much has to, to make Ben Affleck look like the good guy, and damn if she doesn't do an awesome job of it. That I hated her is a testament to her awesome acting skill, because I don't normally hate her. The first thing I remember seeing her in was the Doom movie, and being a video game fan, I can't fault her for that, despite the fact the movie didn't do very well commercially. I thought it was an okay movie, and the other leads involved are now doing very well. Karl Urban and Dwayne Johnson, right? Yea.
Neil Patrick Harris, I know he's popular on them thar intertoobz, and I've honestly been waiting to see him in something I like. This wasn't it. I like horror and monster movies, but Gone Girl is the closest thing to a horror movie I've seen him in, and he doesn't play that big a part. He nails his part, honestly, and the only reason I call Gone Girl a horror movie is because Ben Affleck is in it, but let's move on.
Gone Girl seemed to start out fairly well, I mean, after that whole missed 15 minutes thing. The story got kind of interesting, and the plot got a bit convoluted and hard to follow. I like to unravel mysteries (I was a big Rubik's Cube fan when it first came out, until I got bored of it 15 minuets later), and unraveling the mystery of the wife's disappearance was even harder after missing the part of the movie where she actually goes missing. So, that's why I got hooked. So I'm trying to unravel the mystery of her disappearance. Did Ben do it? Is he as much of an asshole as he looks, or is he just being persecuted because he looks like a dick? If that was the case, mind you, I'd be willing to cut Ben Affleck some slack. I try never to judge a book by its cover, and if Ben's being accused of something he didn't do, that sucks, because I've been there. Many times. So I even started to identify with Ben Affleck, at least for a few minutes there. I know, I'm ashamed to admit it, and I'll probably go ritualistically flog myself later on, but for now, there it is. And then, of course, it all fell apart.
Gone Girl goes to great lengths to set up the game between two opponents, and I'm just going to call them the protagonist and the antagonist, because I don't want to spoil anything. So here's the protagonist, doing their thing, and there's the antagonist, who does their thing, and it's like an intricate game of chess between the good guy and the bad guy. Except the problem is, in a game of chess, there's usually a winner and loser, and that's really what this movie needed after spending so much time setting up the battle. Instead, during the course of the movie, both the good guy and the bad guy win, and both the good guy and the bad guy lose. Yes, I know that makes absolutely no fucking sense. And you're absolutely fucking right. Which is what makes this the absolutely worst fucking movie ever. There's no ending, and it's two and a half hours long. Which makes it even worse. I'm sad in pants for having watched it. And if you know me, you know my pants are usually quite happy. So there it is. Bad movie! If I had a rolled-up newspaper, I would thwack Gone Girl on the nose for having taken a shit in my slippers. Yes, that level of bad.
But enough about that crappy movie. Moving on.
Game of Thrones wrapped up the latest season on HBO last week. Here are the spoilers, so if you didn't see the end, be warned. While watching the final episode, I could have sworn I had seen it before, but what had really happened was, I read the book, so long ago that I'd forgotten I'd read it. So, to sum up. Cersei gets nabbed by the Church of the Seven for banging her twin brother and fathering a bastard child who's still sitting on the Iron Throne. Cersei won't admit this (she literally can't, or things would just get so horribly worse), but she does admit to being a slut. So they make her walk the entire length of King's Landing, naked, while the populace of the city boos and shames her and throws rotten fruit. Talk about a Walk of Shame! What I don't get is where the blood came from. It was rotten fruit, and maybe a little shite. How was she bleeding by the end of it? Bah, whatever. She's now back in the Red keep, or whatever the King's private holding is.
Jon Snow managed to get some of the Wildlings behind the Wall, and met the White Walkers in battle for the first time. Jon Snow even killed one of them in single combat. For his bravery, he was stabbed to death by the members of the Night's Watch. Man. Remind me never to take the Black. Methinks their standards might be a tad high. For killers and rapists, I mean. Because we all know killers and rapists have high standards. We can't have wildlings in the ranks! Sure, the Night's Watch members used to kill, rape and steal, but the wildlings are worse! They kill, rape and steal, because... they're.. dirty! Yea? I dunno. I got nothin. I'm just going with it. Before he was brutally gutted, Jon Snow sent Sam and his wildling chick away to get him trained as a Maester, so Sam lived. And he killed a White Walker a few seasons ago, so that's something. Two White Walkers down, a crapload of wildlings and Night's watch members slaughtered and raised from the dead to join the ranks of cold-hearted zombies. I got to give the first round to the White Walkers.
Stannis Baratheon sacrificed his only daughter to the lord of Fire, and then his army was slaughtered in battle against the forces of Winterfell. I can't remember the name of the rape-y jackass who led the forces of the Flayed Man, but I'm not sure how Stannis didn't see this coming. After the Onion Knight advised him that 20 men had snuck into the camp at night, set fire to the provisions, killed the horses, and caused half their forces to flee, how did he not realize things were going to go badly? Look, Stannis, buddy... you had an army. They had 20 men. They raped you in the night and left you crying like a little girl. At that point, you retreat to the wall, take the black, and forget the Game of Thrones, because you've already lost. At least Jon Snow would have had some allies to watch his back. Or his front. Whatever.
On the plus side, Melisandre was abandoned by her lord of fire (though she did unfortunately escape the slaughter), and the Onion knight (I forget his actual name, but you know who I mean, I hope) was sent away from the battle to go talk to jon Snow at the Wall, so he lived. Stannis, on the other hand, survived the battle, only to be killed by that big honkin knight-chick who was with the Kingslayer when he lost his hand. Yea, you know who I mean, and it's late and I'm too lazy to look up their names. Brienne of Tarth, there you go, it just came to me. I'm not entirely senile yet. Meanwhile, Theon greyjoy, aka Reek (yea, him I can remember, because they made such a big deal about his name) manages to finally grow his balls back and help Sansa Stark flee Winterfell. And Arya, well, she crosses another name off her kill list, but pisses off the Many-Faced God's minions while doing so, and goes blind. Man, that sucks!
Meanwhile, Bronn and the Kingslayer reach an equitable agreement with the master of Dorne (I think that's the country) and leave the place with his daughter, but as they are heading out to sea, the Kingslayer reveals to his daughter that he's really her father. Turns out, she knows already, and doesn't care, she just loves him and is happy to have him as her dad. Which is awesome, because then, she dies. Yea, those Dornish viper she-bitches poisoned her before she left, in a move so expected I have no idea how the actual characters missed it. I could have been a shoe-shine boy on the docks at the time, and it would have been so obvious, I would have said something, but nope, they totally missed it. Hell, I think even the fish and the sea gulls saw that one coming.
Tyrion, after drinking his way across the narrow sea, ends up finally meeting Daenarys Targaerean, or whatever the bejeesus her name is. It's like someone is trying to say her name while having a, and forgive me in advance, Vowel Movement. Geddit, geddit? VOWEL MOVEMENT? BWAHAHAAAAAAA! Yea, I kill me, too. So Tyrion meets her, she accepts him as an advisor, which is awesome, because he's like, born to play that part, and it only took the author 5 books of over a thousand pages each to get him there. Man, talk about a slow build. Maybe back off a little on the character background, eh? Sheesh. Then, they get assaulted by a bunch of idjits in gold masks, Dany (yes, i shortened her name, sue me) hops onto the back of Drogon (her favorite dragon) and flies away, and Tyrion is left to run Mereen's affairs with the help of Varys the Spider while Dany tries to figure out just where the bloody hell Drogon has dumped her.
MAN! Exciting stuff, innit? Now we only have to wait another year or two to find out what happens next. I'm sitting here pissing myself in anticipation, and I've got to wait a whole year? Yea, what can i say, I have the patience of a gnat, and a bladder to match.
That's all for tonight. I would have found a nice monster or horror movie to review, but there aren't any. No, shut up, there just aren't, i looked high and low. I even searched under my bed, and there's nothing there but frightfully large dust bunnies with glowing red eyes. Yes, they've been there so long, they've achieved evil sentience. I don't dust or vacuum as often as I probably should, okay? Sheesh. Anyone ever tell you that you're a nag? Yea, well, you are.
Don't hate me. It's not a monster movie, and I'm not a fan of Ben Affleck. In fact, I'm so not a fan of Ben Affleck that I had to look up the cast of Gone Girl just to make sure that it was actually Ben Affleck in the lead role, and not Matt Damon, or one of those other pasty rich white guys. Sorry, but they all look alike to me. And I'm a pasty white guy, so I'm allowed to say that. No, I happened to flick on my TV, and there it was. I almost switched it off, and I probably should have, but dammit, I checked the cast list, and it listed Rosamund Pike, and Neil Patrick Harris, both excellent actors. Being a fan of horror movies, I know that sometimes, a movie can have a great supporting cast, but a horrible lead actor, and still be a halfway decent movie. So I figured what the hell. It's two hours of my life that I would have spent watching TV, anyways. What have I got to lose?
My immortal soul, apparently. That's right, I am going to hell for watching Gone Girl. And I don't even believe in hell, so that's how bad it was.
I missed the first 15 minutes or so. Basically, Gone Girl is the story of a man whose wife goes missing. Ben Affleck plays the confused husband, and Rosamund Pike plays the missing wife. Apparently, the wife goes missing in the first 15 minutes, so that's what I missed. As the story unfolds, we find that the story of the perfect marriage and the kidnapped wife, isn't quite the whole story. But come on. How many times have we heard this tale? Missing wife, abusive husband, missing husband, abusive wife, it's pretty much the Hallmark movie of the... Well, EVERY week. To be perfectly honest, if it hadn't had a bit of nudity and was unbroken by commercial interruptions, I would have thought Lifetime or Hallmark had actually made it.
So let me sum up how bad this movie was. First off, Ben Affleck plays the same guy he always plays, some supposedly likable rich asshole. Look, I don't know Ben Affleck from a stinky homeless guy living in an alleyway, but I don't like him. I don't like how he looks, I don't like the roles he plays, and I don't like the movies he's appeared in. Maybe he's the nicest guy that ever walked the Earth, I don't know, but he looks like a schmuck to me. Maybe that's his Hollywood 'persona,' maybe that's how he garners his movie roles, and maybe that's why he's a highly-paid professional actor and I'm just an out-of-work tech support doofus who reviews crappy movies, but I still don't like him. Who knows, maybe I'll meet Ben Affleck in a bar one day and we'll become awesome drinking buddies and we'll wake up in the same alleyway, reeking of booze and not remembering the night before, but for now, he's just not my favorite person in the whole world, you know what I am saying? Yea, I think you do.
Maybe I'm not supposed to like him in this movie, and if that's what he's going for, then he's nailed it. I liked Rosamund pike as the wife, at least until the movie got rolling. I don't want to give away any spoilers here, but I didn't like the movie, so I'm not going to recommend you watch it. Still, I hate to ruin a movie for anyone, so if you absolutely MUST see Gone Girl to see how bad it was, or just to disagree with my opinion and point out how wrong I am, then it's on HBO this month. So, back to Rosamund Pike. Mild spoiler alert. Good actress, but she plays an awesome bitch in this movie. I guess she pretty much has to, to make Ben Affleck look like the good guy, and damn if she doesn't do an awesome job of it. That I hated her is a testament to her awesome acting skill, because I don't normally hate her. The first thing I remember seeing her in was the Doom movie, and being a video game fan, I can't fault her for that, despite the fact the movie didn't do very well commercially. I thought it was an okay movie, and the other leads involved are now doing very well. Karl Urban and Dwayne Johnson, right? Yea.
Neil Patrick Harris, I know he's popular on them thar intertoobz, and I've honestly been waiting to see him in something I like. This wasn't it. I like horror and monster movies, but Gone Girl is the closest thing to a horror movie I've seen him in, and he doesn't play that big a part. He nails his part, honestly, and the only reason I call Gone Girl a horror movie is because Ben Affleck is in it, but let's move on.
Gone Girl seemed to start out fairly well, I mean, after that whole missed 15 minutes thing. The story got kind of interesting, and the plot got a bit convoluted and hard to follow. I like to unravel mysteries (I was a big Rubik's Cube fan when it first came out, until I got bored of it 15 minuets later), and unraveling the mystery of the wife's disappearance was even harder after missing the part of the movie where she actually goes missing. So, that's why I got hooked. So I'm trying to unravel the mystery of her disappearance. Did Ben do it? Is he as much of an asshole as he looks, or is he just being persecuted because he looks like a dick? If that was the case, mind you, I'd be willing to cut Ben Affleck some slack. I try never to judge a book by its cover, and if Ben's being accused of something he didn't do, that sucks, because I've been there. Many times. So I even started to identify with Ben Affleck, at least for a few minutes there. I know, I'm ashamed to admit it, and I'll probably go ritualistically flog myself later on, but for now, there it is. And then, of course, it all fell apart.
Gone Girl goes to great lengths to set up the game between two opponents, and I'm just going to call them the protagonist and the antagonist, because I don't want to spoil anything. So here's the protagonist, doing their thing, and there's the antagonist, who does their thing, and it's like an intricate game of chess between the good guy and the bad guy. Except the problem is, in a game of chess, there's usually a winner and loser, and that's really what this movie needed after spending so much time setting up the battle. Instead, during the course of the movie, both the good guy and the bad guy win, and both the good guy and the bad guy lose. Yes, I know that makes absolutely no fucking sense. And you're absolutely fucking right. Which is what makes this the absolutely worst fucking movie ever. There's no ending, and it's two and a half hours long. Which makes it even worse. I'm sad in pants for having watched it. And if you know me, you know my pants are usually quite happy. So there it is. Bad movie! If I had a rolled-up newspaper, I would thwack Gone Girl on the nose for having taken a shit in my slippers. Yes, that level of bad.
But enough about that crappy movie. Moving on.
Game of Thrones wrapped up the latest season on HBO last week. Here are the spoilers, so if you didn't see the end, be warned. While watching the final episode, I could have sworn I had seen it before, but what had really happened was, I read the book, so long ago that I'd forgotten I'd read it. So, to sum up. Cersei gets nabbed by the Church of the Seven for banging her twin brother and fathering a bastard child who's still sitting on the Iron Throne. Cersei won't admit this (she literally can't, or things would just get so horribly worse), but she does admit to being a slut. So they make her walk the entire length of King's Landing, naked, while the populace of the city boos and shames her and throws rotten fruit. Talk about a Walk of Shame! What I don't get is where the blood came from. It was rotten fruit, and maybe a little shite. How was she bleeding by the end of it? Bah, whatever. She's now back in the Red keep, or whatever the King's private holding is.
Jon Snow managed to get some of the Wildlings behind the Wall, and met the White Walkers in battle for the first time. Jon Snow even killed one of them in single combat. For his bravery, he was stabbed to death by the members of the Night's Watch. Man. Remind me never to take the Black. Methinks their standards might be a tad high. For killers and rapists, I mean. Because we all know killers and rapists have high standards. We can't have wildlings in the ranks! Sure, the Night's Watch members used to kill, rape and steal, but the wildlings are worse! They kill, rape and steal, because... they're.. dirty! Yea? I dunno. I got nothin. I'm just going with it. Before he was brutally gutted, Jon Snow sent Sam and his wildling chick away to get him trained as a Maester, so Sam lived. And he killed a White Walker a few seasons ago, so that's something. Two White Walkers down, a crapload of wildlings and Night's watch members slaughtered and raised from the dead to join the ranks of cold-hearted zombies. I got to give the first round to the White Walkers.
Stannis Baratheon sacrificed his only daughter to the lord of Fire, and then his army was slaughtered in battle against the forces of Winterfell. I can't remember the name of the rape-y jackass who led the forces of the Flayed Man, but I'm not sure how Stannis didn't see this coming. After the Onion Knight advised him that 20 men had snuck into the camp at night, set fire to the provisions, killed the horses, and caused half their forces to flee, how did he not realize things were going to go badly? Look, Stannis, buddy... you had an army. They had 20 men. They raped you in the night and left you crying like a little girl. At that point, you retreat to the wall, take the black, and forget the Game of Thrones, because you've already lost. At least Jon Snow would have had some allies to watch his back. Or his front. Whatever.
On the plus side, Melisandre was abandoned by her lord of fire (though she did unfortunately escape the slaughter), and the Onion knight (I forget his actual name, but you know who I mean, I hope) was sent away from the battle to go talk to jon Snow at the Wall, so he lived. Stannis, on the other hand, survived the battle, only to be killed by that big honkin knight-chick who was with the Kingslayer when he lost his hand. Yea, you know who I mean, and it's late and I'm too lazy to look up their names. Brienne of Tarth, there you go, it just came to me. I'm not entirely senile yet. Meanwhile, Theon greyjoy, aka Reek (yea, him I can remember, because they made such a big deal about his name) manages to finally grow his balls back and help Sansa Stark flee Winterfell. And Arya, well, she crosses another name off her kill list, but pisses off the Many-Faced God's minions while doing so, and goes blind. Man, that sucks!
Meanwhile, Bronn and the Kingslayer reach an equitable agreement with the master of Dorne (I think that's the country) and leave the place with his daughter, but as they are heading out to sea, the Kingslayer reveals to his daughter that he's really her father. Turns out, she knows already, and doesn't care, she just loves him and is happy to have him as her dad. Which is awesome, because then, she dies. Yea, those Dornish viper she-bitches poisoned her before she left, in a move so expected I have no idea how the actual characters missed it. I could have been a shoe-shine boy on the docks at the time, and it would have been so obvious, I would have said something, but nope, they totally missed it. Hell, I think even the fish and the sea gulls saw that one coming.
Tyrion, after drinking his way across the narrow sea, ends up finally meeting Daenarys Targaerean, or whatever the bejeesus her name is. It's like someone is trying to say her name while having a, and forgive me in advance, Vowel Movement. Geddit, geddit? VOWEL MOVEMENT? BWAHAHAAAAAAA! Yea, I kill me, too. So Tyrion meets her, she accepts him as an advisor, which is awesome, because he's like, born to play that part, and it only took the author 5 books of over a thousand pages each to get him there. Man, talk about a slow build. Maybe back off a little on the character background, eh? Sheesh. Then, they get assaulted by a bunch of idjits in gold masks, Dany (yes, i shortened her name, sue me) hops onto the back of Drogon (her favorite dragon) and flies away, and Tyrion is left to run Mereen's affairs with the help of Varys the Spider while Dany tries to figure out just where the bloody hell Drogon has dumped her.
MAN! Exciting stuff, innit? Now we only have to wait another year or two to find out what happens next. I'm sitting here pissing myself in anticipation, and I've got to wait a whole year? Yea, what can i say, I have the patience of a gnat, and a bladder to match.
That's all for tonight. I would have found a nice monster or horror movie to review, but there aren't any. No, shut up, there just aren't, i looked high and low. I even searched under my bed, and there's nothing there but frightfully large dust bunnies with glowing red eyes. Yes, they've been there so long, they've achieved evil sentience. I don't dust or vacuum as often as I probably should, okay? Sheesh. Anyone ever tell you that you're a nag? Yea, well, you are.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Late Phases (2014), Wolfcop (2014), Flu (2013)
It's a Netflix triple feature tonight! And a werewolf double feature, which is always cool. I love werewolves. They're so... Were-wolf-y. Yea.
Let's start with Late Phases (2014)! Quite possibly the best of the three movies I'm reviewing tonight, Late Phases starts out pretty depressingly. An old, blind veteran of the armed forces is being dropped off at his new home by his son. Ambrose (the old war veteran) seems pretty bitter, either about his wife's recent passing, his son dropping him off as far away from his family as he can, or about his blindness. Or perhaps all three. The community he's moving into is basically an old folks home, but the old folks can pretty much take care of themselves. Ambrose and his seeing-eye dog make a couple friends while they are waiting for the moving crew to finish unloading his things. It isn't long before we find out just how well Ambrose can take care of himself. One of Ambrose's new neighbors is savagely attacked by some unseen beast, and Ambrose, still up and unable to sleep, hears the whole thing. Then, the beast attacks Ambrose...
I liked Late Phases, for a few reasons. The first and most prominent reason was how fast it got into the action. In the first few minutes, there's a scene of bloody massacre that most other werewolf movies would have saved for the very end of the film. No, here, we are treated to a bloody battle right in the first few minutes, and then, much like Stephen King's Silver Bullet, we have a 4-week lunar cycle where the werewolf goes to ground, while the hero tries to figure out who is actually the werewolf.
There's no nudity that I can recall, and this movie may seem low budget, but that gives the impression that it doesn't have good acting or good action, or even good special effects. I'm not about to say this movie is oscar worthy, but it's a fun watch. I'm also not going to give anything good away, because I'd like you to go watch this film on Netflix, but I encourage viewing, and then repeat viewing, if you've a mind to. Honestly, I may watch this one again myself, just to see the understated performances of the supporting cast. They did their roles so damn smoothly, it was hard for me to tell who was the werewolf, and who wasn't.
We've got Tom Noonan as the local Priest, who befriends our hero. Tom Noonan is a veteran actor who's been in a host of movies, but I like him because he's been in a host of monster/horror movies. I immediately remembered him as the guy with the roadside spider-stand in Eight-Legged Freaks (One of my favorite movies about giant killer spiders, and yes, it's a short list), but he's also been in Wolfen (another werewolf movie with Albert Finney and Edward James Olmos), The Monster Squad (A very underrated kid-friendly horror movie with Dracula, Frankenstein, Van helsing, the Mummy, the Werewolf, AND the Creature from the Black Lagoon), and of course, he was the drug lord Cain in Robocop 2 (opposite Peter Weller). He's also been in movies with the likes of Tom hanks (The Man with One Red Shoe), Dudley Moore and Eddie Murphy (Best Defense), Rodney Dangerfield (Easy Money) and of course, he played himself AND the Ripper in Last Action Hero with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Not to be outdone, Lance Guest has a very minor supporting role as the guy who drives our hero to town to visit with the local Priest. Lance Guest, as you may recall, was pretty huge back in the 70's and 80's. After appearing as the EMT opposite Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween 2, Lance was recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada in The Last Starfighter, (with Robert Preston and the lovely Katherine Mary Stewart), and played the son of Sheriff Brody (Roy Scheider) in Jaws: The Revenge (with Michael Caine), where he helped kill the great white shark once and for all. Or at least, til they dust off the old mechanical shark and go for Jaws 5. I'm pretty sure Richard Dreyfuss isn't doing too much these days. Maybe he's up for a repeat performance?
Also on Netflix is Woflcop (2014). Not quite in the same league with Late Phases, Wolfcop is about a drunk, boozing slob of a rural deputy who stumbles across a cult of devil-worshippers and is turned into a werewolf. I'm not giving away anything, because that short introduction happens in about the first 15 minutes of the movie.
I almost started to like Wolfcop for a bit there. Right after the drunk deputy was turned and he's starting to realize he's not quite human anymore, he starts trying to do some research, and figure out just wtf is going on in his dinky little one-horse town. It's obvious to me that he's only drinking because he's bored out of his skull, and then when he stumbles onto the cult of devil worshippers, he's finally got some real police work to do. This is what they call character development, and I thought that part of the movie was done pretty well. Then, of course, the cult of devil worshippers decides to fast-forward the plot, and Wolfcop goes all hairy, and character development gets thrown out the window, so I kind of lost interest in what happened after that. I still watched it, and it was still mildly entertaining, but it could have been much better. I'm sure they are already hard at work making Wolfcop 2, so maybe that one will be better, who knows.
Short summary of Wolfcop, I'm sure there was maybe a boob or two, lots of bloodshed, plenty of alcoholic beverages, and an explosion. Watch it once for the novelty of the Wolfcar, then wait around for the sequel.
Third review of the night, Flu (2013). This asian horror film is basically similar to Outbreak (1995) with Dustin Hoffman. Flu starts out quite well, with a bunch of illegal immigrants being smuggled into another country in a shipping container aboard a freighter. One of them has the flu, and by the time the container arrives at its destination, we can immediately tell that things have gone horribly wrong, because almost everyone in the container is dead. Needless to say, the infection is accidentally spread, and yep, you guessed it, all hell breaks loose.
I liked Flu except for the fact that the ending was basically a bowl full of corned beef hash, like my mother used to feed me for lunch when I was a kid, and I'm kind of overdosed on the stuff, despite being 1/4th Irish. The action was fast and steady, the production values were high, the cast of extras numbered in the hundreds, and the story arcs were numerous and interwoven. Don't recall any nudity offhand, but the movie was an enjoyable watch, at least until the ending. Flu is also available on Netflix.
Special mention goes out to Knights of Badassdom, also on Netflix, just for having the clanking brass cojones to gather together 3 actors from massively popular series, and smush them together into one admittedly okay movie.
Knights of Badassdom (2013) stars Ryan Kwanten (from HBO's True Blood) as a broken hearted songwriter who is dragged off by his friends (Peter Dinklage from HBO's Game of Thrones) into a LARP, or Live-Action Role-Play, in the hopes of lifting his spirits. Around the same time he meets Gwen (Summer Glau from Firefly/Serenity), his LARP friends accidentally summon a real demon, which then proceeds to wander about the woods at night, slaughtering LARPers left and right. Uh oh, I made a rhyme. Must be getting tired, look at the time. Shit, I did it again.
Knights of Badassdom had the predictably goofy ending I expected, but wasn't entirely horrible. It can be pretty funny watching a bunch of LARPers trying to role play while being torn apart by a demon. Well, you're not supposed to break character, that ruins the experience for everybody! Haven't you ever been to a LARP before? Me neither, but after watching this movie, I'm game to give it a shot. It actually looked kind of fun, minus the whole demon-slaughter thing.
Look at that, four movie reviews in the space I usually fit one! In other news, John Oliver did in fact pee himself over Sepp Blatter stepping down as head of FIFA, on his weekly news review on HBO. No, wait, that's not pee, he's just spilled Lime Beer on himself. Tastes like champagne, as John would probably be the first to say. And seriously, John, was the McDonald's food that bad? I've eaten there a few times myself, and while I don't actually like the food when compared to, well, anything else, really, it's probably still better than what I could whip up in my own kitchen. As Frances Sternhagen said to Michael J. Fox in Doc Hollywood, "I'm a bad cook."
Hope you folks are having a nice night. We're about to get a T-storm here, I think. I love a good storm. Just a few rumbles of thunder, now. Always puts me right to sleep, thunder and lightning storms, but I guess I'm a bit weird. Til next time, then.
Let's start with Late Phases (2014)! Quite possibly the best of the three movies I'm reviewing tonight, Late Phases starts out pretty depressingly. An old, blind veteran of the armed forces is being dropped off at his new home by his son. Ambrose (the old war veteran) seems pretty bitter, either about his wife's recent passing, his son dropping him off as far away from his family as he can, or about his blindness. Or perhaps all three. The community he's moving into is basically an old folks home, but the old folks can pretty much take care of themselves. Ambrose and his seeing-eye dog make a couple friends while they are waiting for the moving crew to finish unloading his things. It isn't long before we find out just how well Ambrose can take care of himself. One of Ambrose's new neighbors is savagely attacked by some unseen beast, and Ambrose, still up and unable to sleep, hears the whole thing. Then, the beast attacks Ambrose...
I liked Late Phases, for a few reasons. The first and most prominent reason was how fast it got into the action. In the first few minutes, there's a scene of bloody massacre that most other werewolf movies would have saved for the very end of the film. No, here, we are treated to a bloody battle right in the first few minutes, and then, much like Stephen King's Silver Bullet, we have a 4-week lunar cycle where the werewolf goes to ground, while the hero tries to figure out who is actually the werewolf.
There's no nudity that I can recall, and this movie may seem low budget, but that gives the impression that it doesn't have good acting or good action, or even good special effects. I'm not about to say this movie is oscar worthy, but it's a fun watch. I'm also not going to give anything good away, because I'd like you to go watch this film on Netflix, but I encourage viewing, and then repeat viewing, if you've a mind to. Honestly, I may watch this one again myself, just to see the understated performances of the supporting cast. They did their roles so damn smoothly, it was hard for me to tell who was the werewolf, and who wasn't.
We've got Tom Noonan as the local Priest, who befriends our hero. Tom Noonan is a veteran actor who's been in a host of movies, but I like him because he's been in a host of monster/horror movies. I immediately remembered him as the guy with the roadside spider-stand in Eight-Legged Freaks (One of my favorite movies about giant killer spiders, and yes, it's a short list), but he's also been in Wolfen (another werewolf movie with Albert Finney and Edward James Olmos), The Monster Squad (A very underrated kid-friendly horror movie with Dracula, Frankenstein, Van helsing, the Mummy, the Werewolf, AND the Creature from the Black Lagoon), and of course, he was the drug lord Cain in Robocop 2 (opposite Peter Weller). He's also been in movies with the likes of Tom hanks (The Man with One Red Shoe), Dudley Moore and Eddie Murphy (Best Defense), Rodney Dangerfield (Easy Money) and of course, he played himself AND the Ripper in Last Action Hero with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Not to be outdone, Lance Guest has a very minor supporting role as the guy who drives our hero to town to visit with the local Priest. Lance Guest, as you may recall, was pretty huge back in the 70's and 80's. After appearing as the EMT opposite Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween 2, Lance was recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada in The Last Starfighter, (with Robert Preston and the lovely Katherine Mary Stewart), and played the son of Sheriff Brody (Roy Scheider) in Jaws: The Revenge (with Michael Caine), where he helped kill the great white shark once and for all. Or at least, til they dust off the old mechanical shark and go for Jaws 5. I'm pretty sure Richard Dreyfuss isn't doing too much these days. Maybe he's up for a repeat performance?
Also on Netflix is Woflcop (2014). Not quite in the same league with Late Phases, Wolfcop is about a drunk, boozing slob of a rural deputy who stumbles across a cult of devil-worshippers and is turned into a werewolf. I'm not giving away anything, because that short introduction happens in about the first 15 minutes of the movie.
I almost started to like Wolfcop for a bit there. Right after the drunk deputy was turned and he's starting to realize he's not quite human anymore, he starts trying to do some research, and figure out just wtf is going on in his dinky little one-horse town. It's obvious to me that he's only drinking because he's bored out of his skull, and then when he stumbles onto the cult of devil worshippers, he's finally got some real police work to do. This is what they call character development, and I thought that part of the movie was done pretty well. Then, of course, the cult of devil worshippers decides to fast-forward the plot, and Wolfcop goes all hairy, and character development gets thrown out the window, so I kind of lost interest in what happened after that. I still watched it, and it was still mildly entertaining, but it could have been much better. I'm sure they are already hard at work making Wolfcop 2, so maybe that one will be better, who knows.
Short summary of Wolfcop, I'm sure there was maybe a boob or two, lots of bloodshed, plenty of alcoholic beverages, and an explosion. Watch it once for the novelty of the Wolfcar, then wait around for the sequel.
Third review of the night, Flu (2013). This asian horror film is basically similar to Outbreak (1995) with Dustin Hoffman. Flu starts out quite well, with a bunch of illegal immigrants being smuggled into another country in a shipping container aboard a freighter. One of them has the flu, and by the time the container arrives at its destination, we can immediately tell that things have gone horribly wrong, because almost everyone in the container is dead. Needless to say, the infection is accidentally spread, and yep, you guessed it, all hell breaks loose.
I liked Flu except for the fact that the ending was basically a bowl full of corned beef hash, like my mother used to feed me for lunch when I was a kid, and I'm kind of overdosed on the stuff, despite being 1/4th Irish. The action was fast and steady, the production values were high, the cast of extras numbered in the hundreds, and the story arcs were numerous and interwoven. Don't recall any nudity offhand, but the movie was an enjoyable watch, at least until the ending. Flu is also available on Netflix.
Special mention goes out to Knights of Badassdom, also on Netflix, just for having the clanking brass cojones to gather together 3 actors from massively popular series, and smush them together into one admittedly okay movie.
Knights of Badassdom (2013) stars Ryan Kwanten (from HBO's True Blood) as a broken hearted songwriter who is dragged off by his friends (Peter Dinklage from HBO's Game of Thrones) into a LARP, or Live-Action Role-Play, in the hopes of lifting his spirits. Around the same time he meets Gwen (Summer Glau from Firefly/Serenity), his LARP friends accidentally summon a real demon, which then proceeds to wander about the woods at night, slaughtering LARPers left and right. Uh oh, I made a rhyme. Must be getting tired, look at the time. Shit, I did it again.
Knights of Badassdom had the predictably goofy ending I expected, but wasn't entirely horrible. It can be pretty funny watching a bunch of LARPers trying to role play while being torn apart by a demon. Well, you're not supposed to break character, that ruins the experience for everybody! Haven't you ever been to a LARP before? Me neither, but after watching this movie, I'm game to give it a shot. It actually looked kind of fun, minus the whole demon-slaughter thing.
Look at that, four movie reviews in the space I usually fit one! In other news, John Oliver did in fact pee himself over Sepp Blatter stepping down as head of FIFA, on his weekly news review on HBO. No, wait, that's not pee, he's just spilled Lime Beer on himself. Tastes like champagne, as John would probably be the first to say. And seriously, John, was the McDonald's food that bad? I've eaten there a few times myself, and while I don't actually like the food when compared to, well, anything else, really, it's probably still better than what I could whip up in my own kitchen. As Frances Sternhagen said to Michael J. Fox in Doc Hollywood, "I'm a bad cook."
Hope you folks are having a nice night. We're about to get a T-storm here, I think. I love a good storm. Just a few rumbles of thunder, now. Always puts me right to sleep, thunder and lightning storms, but I guess I'm a bit weird. Til next time, then.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Double Feature - Equalizer (2014), TMNT (2014)
I was trying to figure out what these two movies have in common, because I wanted some sort of unifying theme to this blog post. Well, there's action in each of these movies, although one is mostly from CGI-animated Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the other action is mostly from Denzel Washington. The only other thing the movies seem to have in common is they both have hot chicks in them. One has Chloe Grace Moretz, and the other has Megan Fox. Both, admittedly attractive woman-folks.
Equalizer (2014) is the story of an ex-operative (not sure which agency he may have worked for), who has retired and is now living and working quietly at a home supply store, or something like that. McCall (denzel) is going about his daily life, trying to enrich the lives of others in a good-sorted way, when a teenage hooker he knows (Chloe Grace Moretz) is badly beaten up by what he thinks are her pimp and his goons. McCall takes it upon himself to try and free the hooker of her pimps in whatever way he can. Unfortunately, as it turns out, the men McCall tangles with aren't just pimps, they are russian mafia. After that, things just get all bloody, and stabby, and a bit explode-y. You know, like your girlfriend after she's had 7 too many Mai Thai's. You know what I am talking about.
Equalizer was probably based off this 80's TV show I used to watch with an english ex-MI6 guy (i think it was) who basically helped out people in need. Seems to be the same premise at work here, only with Denzel instead of a pasty white english guy with a stubby revolver and a trench coat. Both shows seems to have the same appeal, some serious badass who helps out the little guy, along the same vein as Person of Interest (only without the computer AI).
Equalizer as a movie version wasn't bad, but felt kind of generic. The acting was okay, but the violence seemed, I don't know, not realistic enough, if that makes any sense. I mean sure, Denzel is way past 50 now and getting on a bit for action roles, but he doesn't really LOOK like an old guy yet. It just seemed like the action was almost a CGI effect rather than some stuntmen beating the crap out of each other. Just my opinion.
On the plus side, there's already a sequel in the works. It's funny, my mom watched this at the same time I did, and she asked me afterwards if Denzel was doing sequels now, because this one was open-ended. Recalling Denzel's career in film, I didn't remember too many sequels, so I said I doubted it, and then afterwards, I looked it up, and sure enough, there's an Equalizer 2 announced. I wonder if Chloe Grace Moretz will be in that one as well? I guess we'll find out. Equalizer is currently playing on Starz! if you want to watch it. Maybe catch it once for Chloe Grace Moretz, or if you like Denzel Washington's work. I'll be honest, I just watched it for Chloe. :-) I can't say as I'd watch it over again, because there wasn't really any nudity in it that I recall, and the action was kind of lame, but I may watch the sequel when it comes out.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) is playing on Epix this month. If you don't know what Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are, either you're over the age of 70 or you been living under a rock for some years now. Here, let me sum them up. They're turtles. Mutated into sentient humanoid lifeforms. They're teenagers. And, they're ninjas. So, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now, you know as much about them as any 10-year-old.
The latest incarnation of TMNT (these things go back a good 20 years, at least), involves Megan Fox playing April O'Neil (a nosy reporter who uncovers the existence of the turtles), and is another retelling of their origin story. I won't give away all the details, but they are again facing the Foot Clan (evil ninjas), led by Shredder (the turtles' usual nemesis) and all the turtles have to fall back on are the ninja teachings passed onto them by Splinter, their Ancient Mutant Ninja Rat sensei. Why are there no cartoons about Ancient Mutant Ninja Rats? Seems like that's an unexplored and potentially profitable side-story, or prequel, or something.
I watched TMNT for the ninjas, quite specifically. Since the 80's, when ninjas exploded out of japan and ended up in the states (in the movies, anyway), I've been fascinated by them. I even made up a Ninja blow up doll that I pretended I had to defeat in single combat before I could have sex with her, but the damn thing is so good at hiding, I haven't seen her since about 1997 or so. That's ninja blow-up sex toys for you. Sneaky bastards.
This particular incarnation of TMNT didn't seem as good as the previous ones. Megan Fox isn't exactly winning any oscars for her acting skills here, and the CGI turtles aren't quite capable of replacing real actors yet. For some reason, Raphael is the size of the Hulk, and all the other turtles seem a bit lesser, by comparison. In the old cartoons, all the turtles were the same size, and the only real differences in them was their personalities and weapon choices. Sure, giving them different bodies kind of makes sense, but their weapon choices don't seem to match their bodies or personalities for some reason.
For instance, Sai, Raphael's weapon of choice, is a great defense against swords, so it would seem a good foil for Leonardo's weapon choice, since Leo prefers Katanas, and Raph and Leo are often at odds. However, Sai are typically not wielded by gigantic hulking brutes. They're usually the weapon of choice for much smaller people, and are great for defending against swords, but not so good for much else. If they wanted to make one of the turtles bigger and stronger than the rest, I would have thought Donatello (who wields a bo or staff) or Leonardo were the best choices, since their weapons are the largest and heaviest, and require the most strength to wield properly. Sai (Raphaels weapon) and nunchaku (wielded by Michaelangelo) are typically weapons of strategy and leverage, wielded by smarter, smaller people. Think Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon, and not Thor in the Avengers movies. Michaelangelo sort of fits the bill for his nunchaku, while Donatello is a geeky sort, and doesn't seem like he's wield a staff well. Wielding two swords at once is an odd choice even for Leonardo, who not only isn't that big to start with, but a katana is typically wielded with both hands on the hilt. Using one in each hand, like Leo does, would seem difficult for even a large man, and foolish for someone who should theoretically know how to use them properly.
But then, maybe I am overthinking things a bit too much. It's a movie about teenage mutant ninja turtles. I didn't even know Megan Fox was in this until she popped up, and frankly, I think she should be doing a Jennifer's Body sequel. Instead, she's filming TMNT 2. Catch it on Epix if you're a Megan Fox fan, or have a thing for CGI-generated mutant ninja turtles. I won't be watching TMNT again, but I will probably catch TMNT 2 when it comes around on TV. Apparently, they filmed part of it in my neck of the woods, and I'll probably watch it to see if I can see myself on screen, waving hysterically in the background. At night. In dark clothes. About 50 miles away. Yea, so, the odds are pretty slim.
In other news, American Pharoah won the Belmont Stakes horse race today, becoming the first racehorse to capture the triple crown (winning the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and the Belmont) since 1978. Secretariat, if that name means anything to you, became a famous household name back in the 70's by winning the triple crown back in 1973. So, you can guess there's probably going to be some movies coming out in the next few years about horses and horse racing and American Pharoah. And yes, I know it's spelled pharaoh. Pharoah is how the horse's name is spelled.
In other other news, John Oliver, who hosts Last Week Tonight with John Oliver on HBO every sunday (strange coincidence, that his name happens to match that of the guy who hosts the show), is probably wetting his pants this week. As of last sunday's show, the FBI had arrested and pressed charges against many of the leadership of FIFA, who John Oliver has been lampooning on his show for a while now. John Oliver mentioned that without taking off the head of the snake, as it were, it would just be business as usual for Sepp Blatter, whom John names as the source of most of the corruption in the world's largest soccer (or, non-american football) association. This week, Sepp not only stepped down as the head of FIFA, but the FBI announced it was still seeking to press criminal charges against Blatter. I guess John got his wish!
Now if only I got my wish, that a rich female supermodel with a thing for chubby older guys wanted to keep me supplied with food, sex and beer while I play computer games all day long. Still waiting on that one. It's only been about 20 years since I started wishing for that. Could happen any day now! Yep! Any day now.
That's all for tonight. Should have some Netflix titles for review tomorrow evening. Until then, if you happen to know a rich female supermodel, and you aren't using her, uh, well, did I mention I am single? Yep! I am. Not counting my ninja blow up doll, of course, and I can't guarantee she's not still in the house, hiding, and waiting to strike. She may even be armed, and jealous. Who can say? Damn ninja sex toys are not only unreliable, they can be downright dangerous. Press the wrong button and a blade pops out at just the wrong time, and try explaining that one to the ER doctor. Bad enough he's still making jokes about the Kusari-Gama Incident of 2009. Don't ask. Just look up a picture of a Kusari-Gama and try not to use your imagination too much. Might be as hazardous to your health as a ninja blow-up doll.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Review - Zombeavers (2014)
Yep, here it is, I saw it coming, I wanted it, and then, I got it! Now, I'm going to have to go to the doctor's office and take something to get rid of it. Hopefully something strong. Zombeaver antibiotics. The good ones, not those cheap generic knockoffs.
Zombeavers (2014) is a story about Zombie Beavers. These sorority girls head up to a cabin in the woods near a lake to get over the fact that the boyfriend of one of the girls cheated on her. Unfortunately, a couple of guys transporting toxic chemicals lose a barrel in the nearby lake, and a pair of nice, normal, happy-go-lucky beavers come across it. Next thing you know, it's Zombie Beavers vs Sorority sisters in a no-holds-barred cage match to the death... and beyond! Because, you know, they're zombies. So. Death doesn't really slow them down much.
I wanted to like this movie. I really did. Zombie beavers, naked chicks, what's not to like, right? Unfortunately, Zombeavers doesn't deliver on the promises, even as low as I set the bar. There are no twists to this movie, no surprises. The movie goes for laughs and then telegraphs the punchline so badly that you see it coming a mile away. The whole point of a joke is to deliver the punchline as a surprise, since the lead-in for a joke prepares you for one thing, then delivers something else, something that makes you laugh. That's how you tell a joke. This movie tells a joke like my 82 year-old mom tells a joke. Badly. First, she forgets the lead-in, screws it up, and then delivers the punchline in a way that totally destroys the joke. Then, she laughs hysterically, while you smile politely and try to figure out wtf she was trying to say. That's pretty much how Zombeavers went.
I will try not to give away any spoilers here, because apparently my viewpoint on this movie differs from that of the general populace, who seem to think it was hilariously funny. To give you an example of what I mean, and how my opinion differs, a pair of truck drivers transporting medical waste (obviously how the beavers became zombies) are chatting as they drive about ten miles an hour down the road, in the middle of the day. The driver is checking his flip-phone (really? a flip-phone?) for his messages, and his passenger is like "You see that deer, right?" and the driver is like "Yea, I see the deer." while still checking his phone. And then, of course, they smack into the deer. Was that funny? I didn't think so, because they announced it was coming. Seemed sort of stupid at that point.
Then again, I probably should have realized the movie was going to suck during the opening credits, which featured animations of beavers chasing animated people across and over animated trees. It reminded me of those sequences at the end of the Scooby-Doo cartoons, when the ghosts started chasing Scooby, and the musical interlude played, and then Scooby somehow ended up getting a Scooby snack and capturing the ghosts instead of the ghosts capturing Scooby. And then, it was revealed that the kindly old caretaker had actually been the one to steal the gold mask, and the mummy costume was just to scare people away until he could find a buyer for the mask! And he'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those pesky kids! Only, this animation wasn't nearly as cool-looking, and this movie wasn't as entertaining as an episode of Scooby Doo.
So, to sum up, Zombeavers, a bit disappointing. Sure, there was a set of boobs. And, that was it. Three girls in bikinis, a few dead bodies, an almost-shower scene, and a bunch of hand-puppet zombie beavers. I guess some people thought it was an homage to 80's zombie/monster movies but those people must not have seen any 80's zombie/monster movies, or different ones than I've seen, because this one wasn't very good. Not even mentioning, out of the three women, the one you don't want to see naked, is the only one who goes topless. Maybe if you want to give this one a viewing, check it out on Netflix to see if maybe I missed the whole point of the movie. I don't think I did, but I've been known to be wrong. If you don't check it out, honestly, I don't think you'd be missing anything, because everything is just so predictable. Predictable isn't really funny.
In other news, I've pretty much covered the other series I've watched this winter/spring season, and the only one that ended last week was the Flash. So let's recap that one. After 55 minutes of buildup, during which time the Reverse-Flash reveals that he's from 132 years in the future, and hates the Flash because they can't beat each other because they are too evenly matched (really? THAT's why you hate him?), the 20-year-old Flash goes back in time to save his mother from dying. Now, before I get to that, let's just fact-check. The Flash, at the time of this series, is at least 20 years old, and happens to be the only member of the CSI team of the local law enforcement. So... 132 years in the future, when the Flash is at least 152 years old... He is evenly matched with the Reverse-Flash, who is about 40 years of age. Look, If I'm a super-villain in my prime, and I can't beat a guy who is easily 150 years old, then we are NOT evenly matched, and we never were. It's just that simple. And then, the Reverse-Flash's reason for going back in time and killing the Flash is complete nonsense, because how the hell is it supposed to be easier to kill a 20-year-old Flash as opposed to a 150-year-old Flash? Don't even ask me how Flash manages to live for over 150 years.
Then, instead of actually saving his mom, the Flash says goodbye to her, and goes after the Reverse Flash. He fails, and almost dies at the hands of Reverse-Flash. In a twist that I saw coming about half a dozen episodes ago, Detective Thon kills himself, ending reverse-Flash's bloodline before he can be born, and erasing Reverse-Flash from existence. So... wait... if Reverse-Flash never existed, then how did he go back in time to kill Flash's mom? Everyone was warning Flash not to go back and alter the timeline, but hadn't the Reverse Flash already upset the timeline by killing Flash's mom? Wouldn't erasing the Reverse-Flash reset the timeline, at that point? This is the problem with time-travel plots. There's always a paradox, and no one can ever adequately explain the paradoxes. This one didn't even explain how a 150+ year old Flash can still match a 40-year old Reverse-Flash. Moving on.
I hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day weekend, and appropriately honored the fallen heroes amongst us. I honored them by having a picnic and a campfire at my sister's house, and downing way too many rice-crispy cakes. And brownies. And having too much salad. We each honor the dead in our own way, okay? Til next time, people.
Zombeavers (2014) is a story about Zombie Beavers. These sorority girls head up to a cabin in the woods near a lake to get over the fact that the boyfriend of one of the girls cheated on her. Unfortunately, a couple of guys transporting toxic chemicals lose a barrel in the nearby lake, and a pair of nice, normal, happy-go-lucky beavers come across it. Next thing you know, it's Zombie Beavers vs Sorority sisters in a no-holds-barred cage match to the death... and beyond! Because, you know, they're zombies. So. Death doesn't really slow them down much.
I wanted to like this movie. I really did. Zombie beavers, naked chicks, what's not to like, right? Unfortunately, Zombeavers doesn't deliver on the promises, even as low as I set the bar. There are no twists to this movie, no surprises. The movie goes for laughs and then telegraphs the punchline so badly that you see it coming a mile away. The whole point of a joke is to deliver the punchline as a surprise, since the lead-in for a joke prepares you for one thing, then delivers something else, something that makes you laugh. That's how you tell a joke. This movie tells a joke like my 82 year-old mom tells a joke. Badly. First, she forgets the lead-in, screws it up, and then delivers the punchline in a way that totally destroys the joke. Then, she laughs hysterically, while you smile politely and try to figure out wtf she was trying to say. That's pretty much how Zombeavers went.
I will try not to give away any spoilers here, because apparently my viewpoint on this movie differs from that of the general populace, who seem to think it was hilariously funny. To give you an example of what I mean, and how my opinion differs, a pair of truck drivers transporting medical waste (obviously how the beavers became zombies) are chatting as they drive about ten miles an hour down the road, in the middle of the day. The driver is checking his flip-phone (really? a flip-phone?) for his messages, and his passenger is like "You see that deer, right?" and the driver is like "Yea, I see the deer." while still checking his phone. And then, of course, they smack into the deer. Was that funny? I didn't think so, because they announced it was coming. Seemed sort of stupid at that point.
Then again, I probably should have realized the movie was going to suck during the opening credits, which featured animations of beavers chasing animated people across and over animated trees. It reminded me of those sequences at the end of the Scooby-Doo cartoons, when the ghosts started chasing Scooby, and the musical interlude played, and then Scooby somehow ended up getting a Scooby snack and capturing the ghosts instead of the ghosts capturing Scooby. And then, it was revealed that the kindly old caretaker had actually been the one to steal the gold mask, and the mummy costume was just to scare people away until he could find a buyer for the mask! And he'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those pesky kids! Only, this animation wasn't nearly as cool-looking, and this movie wasn't as entertaining as an episode of Scooby Doo.
So, to sum up, Zombeavers, a bit disappointing. Sure, there was a set of boobs. And, that was it. Three girls in bikinis, a few dead bodies, an almost-shower scene, and a bunch of hand-puppet zombie beavers. I guess some people thought it was an homage to 80's zombie/monster movies but those people must not have seen any 80's zombie/monster movies, or different ones than I've seen, because this one wasn't very good. Not even mentioning, out of the three women, the one you don't want to see naked, is the only one who goes topless. Maybe if you want to give this one a viewing, check it out on Netflix to see if maybe I missed the whole point of the movie. I don't think I did, but I've been known to be wrong. If you don't check it out, honestly, I don't think you'd be missing anything, because everything is just so predictable. Predictable isn't really funny.
In other news, I've pretty much covered the other series I've watched this winter/spring season, and the only one that ended last week was the Flash. So let's recap that one. After 55 minutes of buildup, during which time the Reverse-Flash reveals that he's from 132 years in the future, and hates the Flash because they can't beat each other because they are too evenly matched (really? THAT's why you hate him?), the 20-year-old Flash goes back in time to save his mother from dying. Now, before I get to that, let's just fact-check. The Flash, at the time of this series, is at least 20 years old, and happens to be the only member of the CSI team of the local law enforcement. So... 132 years in the future, when the Flash is at least 152 years old... He is evenly matched with the Reverse-Flash, who is about 40 years of age. Look, If I'm a super-villain in my prime, and I can't beat a guy who is easily 150 years old, then we are NOT evenly matched, and we never were. It's just that simple. And then, the Reverse-Flash's reason for going back in time and killing the Flash is complete nonsense, because how the hell is it supposed to be easier to kill a 20-year-old Flash as opposed to a 150-year-old Flash? Don't even ask me how Flash manages to live for over 150 years.
Then, instead of actually saving his mom, the Flash says goodbye to her, and goes after the Reverse Flash. He fails, and almost dies at the hands of Reverse-Flash. In a twist that I saw coming about half a dozen episodes ago, Detective Thon kills himself, ending reverse-Flash's bloodline before he can be born, and erasing Reverse-Flash from existence. So... wait... if Reverse-Flash never existed, then how did he go back in time to kill Flash's mom? Everyone was warning Flash not to go back and alter the timeline, but hadn't the Reverse Flash already upset the timeline by killing Flash's mom? Wouldn't erasing the Reverse-Flash reset the timeline, at that point? This is the problem with time-travel plots. There's always a paradox, and no one can ever adequately explain the paradoxes. This one didn't even explain how a 150+ year old Flash can still match a 40-year old Reverse-Flash. Moving on.
I hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day weekend, and appropriately honored the fallen heroes amongst us. I honored them by having a picnic and a campfire at my sister's house, and downing way too many rice-crispy cakes. And brownies. And having too much salad. We each honor the dead in our own way, okay? Til next time, people.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Review - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)
If you saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which I reviewed a while back, then you know the background behind this movie. Briefly, A scientist creates a serum to try and cure Alzheimer's, but it ends up creating intelligent apes. Unfortunately, the newly intelligent apes don't enjoy being kept in cages and given the occasional banana, so they rebel, and escape en masse. Living in the wilds of what I guess is California, they form a large and growing tribe of civilized apes.
Unfortunately, as we see at the beginning of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014), the serum created by the scientist to cure Alzheimer's becomes a plague that devastates the human race. There's little explanation as to why and how quickly human civilization collapses, but there's a pocket of humans living in San Francisco who are trying to get electricity working again once the movie gets rolling. They send a team of engineers to try to find and restore power to a hydroelectric dam just north of the city. However, a brief altercation results when the humans and the apes run into each other, and suddenly, the worst in both apes and humans comes to the fore.
This is another Planet of the Apes movie. They are all remakes or re-imaginings of the original movies, which actually starred Roddy McDowell, and one even had Charlton Heston in it. I believe his most famous line was "Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" which, I often tell my girlfriend when she tries to get frisky. Hmmmm. Maybe that's why I don't have a girlfriend..? Naaaahhhhh. Can't be.
This actually wasn't a bad movie. Much better than Rise of the Planet of the Apes, to be sure. The acting talent consisted mainly of Gary Oldman (Dracula, The Professional) as the leader of the humans, and Keri Russell (I'm sure I know her from somewhere) as the love interest/CDC doctor friend of the lead engineer. They had voice talent playing the apes, of course, but honestly, I don't really recognize any of the names, so I can't vouch for their acting skill. However, the CGI on the apes was pretty well done. I don't want to sound racist (or Specie-ist?) here, just in case there are any intelligent apes reading this (I include humans in that), but you could really tell most of the apes apart. There was Caesar, Koba (Caesar's scarred-up right-hand man, err, ape), Blue-Eyes (Caesar's son), and some big hairy Orangutan called Maurice. Yea. Maurice. Don't ask me, I didn't name him.
There was a lot of action in this movie. No nudity, unless you count a bunch of hairy apes, and I don't. Lots of ape-violence against humans, and human-violence against apes, a few explosions, lots of gunfire, some really bad acting on Koba's part that actually went over well because of his over-acting (you'd have to see the movie to understand what I mean), and apes riding horses! Where the hell else are you going to see apes riding horses, even if it is all CGI? Yea, exactly. Not anywhere outside the circus, and I can assure you the computer-generated animal images were treated much better than their circus counterparts, and humanely edited out with as much love as possible at the end of production.
I would say, give this one a watch. Honestly, I thought Koba was awesome. If you've ever wanted to see a pissed off chimpanzee, with scars all up and down his body, act like General Ross sending Tanks after the Hulk, then Koba is your man. He had a shit-ton of personality. You know who he reminded me of? Ricardo Montalban as Khan at the end of Star Trek 2. I expected him to go out with "From Hell's heart, I stab at thee! For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee!" But I guess the chimps aren't quite up to quoting Moby Dick. To be fair, I thought the quote was from shakespeare, and had to look it up to find out it was actually from Herman Melville's Moby Dick, so maybe I'm on the same level as the chimps at this point.
Am I going to watch it again? No, but I'm probably going to look forward to watching the next one, because James Franco wasn't in this one, which made it a much better movie than Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes just premiered on HBO, if you have that, so I'm sure they'll be playing it again. Or, you can watch it on demand, or wherever else HBO allows you to watch their movies.
In other news, it's day 3 of the Post-Letterman Era. I was kind of bummed the day after Letterman hung up his lapel mic, so I tracked down the Letterman YouTube channel. In about an hour or two, I had my fill of celebutards trying to plug their latest crappy movies about buttloads of human feelings and remakes of things we've seen a thousand times. Honestly, since I missed about 5900 of Letterman's 6000+ episodes, I can't really say I was that regular a viewer, anyways. I'm not saying who was a celebutard on the Late Show and who wasn't, but honestly, I am sure you guys know which is which. For example, Bill Murray is NOT a celebutard, but a talented A-list acting veteran. Miley Cyrus, I can't vouch for, but she's cuter than Bill Murray, so I guess she has her good points. But enough about Letterman. Moving on.
Memorial Day Weekend! And I have a special treat for you guys! ZOMBEAVER is on Netflix! Holy shit! :-D Yes, I been waiting to watch and review this movie since I first heard about it. You guys can beat me to the punch and watch it yourselves, or wait until I review it on memorial day. I'd watch and review it now, but I wanted to save it until after my family picnic tomorrow, so you guys will have to wait til then to read my exhaustive, in-depth, and insightful review. Yea, okay, so it's a movie about zombie beavers and boobs. But at least my review can be insightful, if not as funny as the movie is expected to be. :-)
Have a nice weekend, memorialize those who should be, uh, remember-ized... yea.... and, most importantly, have fun! That's why holiday weekends were invented! :-D By Al Gore, I think. Wait, didn't he invent the intertoobz? Hmmm. I have to look that up.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Bye, David Letterman, and Thanks!
That's it. That's all she wrote. David Letterman is off the air.
I haven't been able to watch the Late show over the last 30 years as much as I wanted to. Sometimes I've worked nights, and other times, I was just too tired, and had to get up too early in the mornings to watch Dave's show. In the time since Dave started his show, we've had the advent of both the internet, and cell phones, and eventually there was DVR. I just got DVR a few months ago, sad to say, and Dave was around before DVR, so frankly, if you missed his show back in the early days, that was it. You missed it. Before hearing about Dave's retirement, I hadn't watched the Late Show in so long, that the last I had heard, Dave's kid had just been born, and this was a couple years after his quintuple bypass. Of the 6,028 shows Dave said he has done, I've probably missed about 5,900 of them. Still, whether Dave was "mailing it in" or not, they've always been entertaining.
Recently, watching the last few weeks of Dave's show, I learned a few things. Dave's been doing talk shows since I was ten years old. That's right, while Dave was busy making the nation chuckle on one of the 4 to 5 TV channels we actually had back then, I was probably beating Space Invaders on my Atari 2600 and playing too much Dungeons & Dragons. I don't know what possesses a man to spend 35 years doing essentially the same thing night after night, but I'm glad he did. Come to think of it, I've been playing computer games since I was ten, so I can tell you why Dave did the same thing for 35 years. It was fun. Or at least, that's why I still play computer games, and with any luck, I'll still be playing them 35 years from now.
When I was ten, I didn't think much about celebrities, or Hollywood, or David Letterman. We didn't have the internet back then, so any information I heard about celebrities usually came through Johnny Carson. I'm pretty sure my dreams back then were limited to sneaking a look at a Playboy magazine, and playing a character in D&D who wielded a club topped with a skull. Hey, I was ten. My dreams were pretty normal for a nerdy geek back then.
As anyone in Hollywood would tell you a decade ago, once you were on Late Night with David Letterman, you'd made it in show business. Once I reached adulthood, it was one of my dreams to finally appear on David Letterman's show in some capacity. Several times over the years, when I have been particularly amusing, my friends have suggested that I write jokes for David Letterman. I always took that as the highest praise, and if I hadn't become such a worthless slacker as an adult, I might have actually achieved that goal, or achieved my small dream of appearing on the Late Show in some capacity. That dream has now perished, with David Letterman's final sign-off. However, I recently played a character in D&D who actually got a club with a skull on it, so I guess it's true what they say. When one door closes, another door opens. So, at least one of my childhood dreams was achieved. I can take some infinitesimally small solace in that.
Tuesday night's Late Show featured Bill Murray, who I've thought was hilarious since Meatballs (1979). I've loved him in pretty much every comedy I have ever seen him in, and watching Murray and Letterman tuesday night was almost painful. From the time Bill came crashing through a cake, to the time he ran from the Ed Sullivan Theater, wiping tears from his eyes, I knew how broken up Bill was about Dave retiring. Or, maybe Murray was just wiping the cake out of his eyes. The way Dave asked Bill how he was doing, I got the impression that Dave wanted to just do one final sit-down chat with an old friend, to just shoot the breeze for a few minutes, before all the emotion and huzzah of his last show. I don't think Bill could handle it, though. Bill went out into the street and tried to get a crowd to chant "all we are asking, is more Worldwide Pants (Dave's production company, who makes the Late Show)," but I think the crowd was too busy trying to get selfies with Bill Murray to follow along. Dave, for his part, took it all in stride. I got the feeling that he was disappointed with not being able to just sit and chat with Murray for a bit, but he soldiered on, the 33-year veteran that he is.
Last night's final show was all recaps, vignettes and looks back over the years, which was totally expected, with one final top ten list delivered by a bunch of Late Show regulars, including Bill Murray and Steve Martin. Letterman's final musical act was the Foo Fighters, who played for a good ten minutes after Dave's final good-night. And that was it. Dave was gone. No final announcement by Alan Kalter, no musical flare by Paul Shaffer and the CBS orchestra. We were just off and running into the next show, and I was left with Letterman's comment from a couple weeks ago about the Foo Fighters. Like Dave said, we can all sleep more soundly, knowing the Foo Fighters are out there, fighting Foo.
That's all I've got. It's late, and I wish Dave all the best in his retirement, though I am sure he'll never read this blog. I've heard he's got a vacation home in St. Barts, and though I have no idea where that is, I bet it's warm. I shall forevermore picture Dave lounging on a beach somewhere with his family, calmly sipping a frosty alcoholic beverage, and enjoying his much-deserved relaxation.
Farewell, David Letterman, you will be missed. At least until you decide retirement is boring, and come back.
I haven't been able to watch the Late show over the last 30 years as much as I wanted to. Sometimes I've worked nights, and other times, I was just too tired, and had to get up too early in the mornings to watch Dave's show. In the time since Dave started his show, we've had the advent of both the internet, and cell phones, and eventually there was DVR. I just got DVR a few months ago, sad to say, and Dave was around before DVR, so frankly, if you missed his show back in the early days, that was it. You missed it. Before hearing about Dave's retirement, I hadn't watched the Late Show in so long, that the last I had heard, Dave's kid had just been born, and this was a couple years after his quintuple bypass. Of the 6,028 shows Dave said he has done, I've probably missed about 5,900 of them. Still, whether Dave was "mailing it in" or not, they've always been entertaining.
Recently, watching the last few weeks of Dave's show, I learned a few things. Dave's been doing talk shows since I was ten years old. That's right, while Dave was busy making the nation chuckle on one of the 4 to 5 TV channels we actually had back then, I was probably beating Space Invaders on my Atari 2600 and playing too much Dungeons & Dragons. I don't know what possesses a man to spend 35 years doing essentially the same thing night after night, but I'm glad he did. Come to think of it, I've been playing computer games since I was ten, so I can tell you why Dave did the same thing for 35 years. It was fun. Or at least, that's why I still play computer games, and with any luck, I'll still be playing them 35 years from now.
When I was ten, I didn't think much about celebrities, or Hollywood, or David Letterman. We didn't have the internet back then, so any information I heard about celebrities usually came through Johnny Carson. I'm pretty sure my dreams back then were limited to sneaking a look at a Playboy magazine, and playing a character in D&D who wielded a club topped with a skull. Hey, I was ten. My dreams were pretty normal for a nerdy geek back then.
As anyone in Hollywood would tell you a decade ago, once you were on Late Night with David Letterman, you'd made it in show business. Once I reached adulthood, it was one of my dreams to finally appear on David Letterman's show in some capacity. Several times over the years, when I have been particularly amusing, my friends have suggested that I write jokes for David Letterman. I always took that as the highest praise, and if I hadn't become such a worthless slacker as an adult, I might have actually achieved that goal, or achieved my small dream of appearing on the Late Show in some capacity. That dream has now perished, with David Letterman's final sign-off. However, I recently played a character in D&D who actually got a club with a skull on it, so I guess it's true what they say. When one door closes, another door opens. So, at least one of my childhood dreams was achieved. I can take some infinitesimally small solace in that.
Tuesday night's Late Show featured Bill Murray, who I've thought was hilarious since Meatballs (1979). I've loved him in pretty much every comedy I have ever seen him in, and watching Murray and Letterman tuesday night was almost painful. From the time Bill came crashing through a cake, to the time he ran from the Ed Sullivan Theater, wiping tears from his eyes, I knew how broken up Bill was about Dave retiring. Or, maybe Murray was just wiping the cake out of his eyes. The way Dave asked Bill how he was doing, I got the impression that Dave wanted to just do one final sit-down chat with an old friend, to just shoot the breeze for a few minutes, before all the emotion and huzzah of his last show. I don't think Bill could handle it, though. Bill went out into the street and tried to get a crowd to chant "all we are asking, is more Worldwide Pants (Dave's production company, who makes the Late Show)," but I think the crowd was too busy trying to get selfies with Bill Murray to follow along. Dave, for his part, took it all in stride. I got the feeling that he was disappointed with not being able to just sit and chat with Murray for a bit, but he soldiered on, the 33-year veteran that he is.
Last night's final show was all recaps, vignettes and looks back over the years, which was totally expected, with one final top ten list delivered by a bunch of Late Show regulars, including Bill Murray and Steve Martin. Letterman's final musical act was the Foo Fighters, who played for a good ten minutes after Dave's final good-night. And that was it. Dave was gone. No final announcement by Alan Kalter, no musical flare by Paul Shaffer and the CBS orchestra. We were just off and running into the next show, and I was left with Letterman's comment from a couple weeks ago about the Foo Fighters. Like Dave said, we can all sleep more soundly, knowing the Foo Fighters are out there, fighting Foo.
That's all I've got. It's late, and I wish Dave all the best in his retirement, though I am sure he'll never read this blog. I've heard he's got a vacation home in St. Barts, and though I have no idea where that is, I bet it's warm. I shall forevermore picture Dave lounging on a beach somewhere with his family, calmly sipping a frosty alcoholic beverage, and enjoying his much-deserved relaxation.
Farewell, David Letterman, you will be missed. At least until you decide retirement is boring, and come back.
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