Okay, part 2 of my series on Fall TV premieres covers Wednesday night of last week, to tonight (Sunday) September 27. Actually, there wasn't anything on that I watched on Wednesday, so we'll start with Thursday.
HEROES REBORN - Thursday night at 8pm on NBC - I saw most of the original Heroes series a few years back, whenever the heck it was on. The main reason I watched the original series was because of Hayden Panettiere, who played the cheerleader. A series about superheroes featuring a hot blond cheerleader? I'm in! Heroes Reborn? Not so much. No hot cheerleader. No, what I get is an old guy (the same actor who played the cheerleader's father, granted, and a good actor nonetheless) puttering about the country with a scrubbly bearded gentleman who looks like he'd be more at home watching Heroes Reborn from his smelly old couch with a bag of Cheetos in his paws than actually starring in it. From the looks of things, a portion of the original cast is returning, but no cheerleader.
One of the main reasons I had trouble with the first Heroes series was the convoluted plot that was designed to keep me guessing, but unfortunately made me keep guessing about what the frig was going on. It's one thing if your characters have no idea wtf is happening in their lives, it's another thing if your target audience has no clue wtf is going on. At that point, you have to wonder whether you are titillating your target audience to tune in and watch, or switch the station to something easier to figure out. From the first episode of Heroes Reborn, it looks like they've decided to go with another convoluted plot. Look, I'm a genius, and I realize the show is mostly geared for comic book geeks, but when a comic book-geek-genius can't tell wtf is going on, maybe you should rethink your plot choices. Just saying. I'm not saying you need to dumb it down, just maybe explain things a teensy smidge more? Or, I don't know, leave me a trail of friggin breadcrumbs so I can figure it out on my own, don't just drop me into the Minotaur's goddamn labyrinth and laugh hysterically while I stare at the walls and wonder how the fuck I just got there. I'm not really in the mood to walk through the maze, and if you're going to just drop me in anyways, and least point me in a direction. It doesn't even have to be the right one, but at least I've got a place to start, right? Right.
So far, not impressed with Heroes Reborn. I give it half a season before the ratings drop cancels it again. Maybe after Heroes Re-Re-Reborn comes around in 2025, they'll have figured out a way to leave me a trail of breadcrumbs. However, there's nothing on in the thursday night time slot that's competing against it so far, so I might stick with it for a few episodes. Until something better comes along, then there's probably no contest. I'll watch the other thing, whatever it might be, rather than try to figure out what the hell is going on in Heroes Reborn. If you're guessing I wasn't a big fan of Lost, you're dead right.
THE PLAYER - Thursday Nights at 10pm on NBC - Alex Kane, a former CIA terrorist expert and current high-profile security consultant, is trying to get back together with his ex-wife. Just as the two agree to a trail living-together/friends-with-benefits situation, Alex's wife is murdered because he stopped an assassination plot against some guy's family at his day job. Around about the same time, Alex is approached by the representative of a consortium of rich people who make wagers on the outcome of various future crimes, and whther they can be stopped. Sort of like Minority Report meets, uh, any Las Vegas Casino show.
Wesley Snipes co-stars, or stars, or whatever, as the "Pit Boss" of the House, or the organization that takes the bets, or manipulates the odds, or, honestly, I'm not sure wtf is going on. I didn't like the show enough to even try and go with it. Guy's wife is killed, just around the same time this organization wants him to play their little game? Odds are that they offed his wife just so he wouldn't have a reason to say no. That was the first thing I thought of, and SHOULD have been the first thing Alex Kane considered, because he's supposedly good at his job. Turns out later on that I was probably right, because apparently his wife isn't quite dead, or at least, that is not her body laying in the morgue. So Alex joins the shady betting organization to keep Rich people from starting wars in order to satisfy their crazy need to do bad things, and to find his wife. I'm not buying it at all.
First off, Alex should know rich people by now. He's a security consultant. Poor people can't afford security consultants, therefore, he's around rich people all the time. He should know that rich people are going to mess with the rules all the time, because they have an overwhelming need to win. The very last thing I'd ever want to do, is partake in a game where rich people are involved, because they're going to break the rules and poor people like Alex Kane are going to suffer the fallout. Second thing, the guy's a security consultant, but there's absolutely no security on his ex-wife's place, where he frequently does odd jobs? Not buying that, either. The woman's the love of his life, of course he's going to protect her, even if there's no reason to. That's his job. What else doesn't wash? I don't know, just seems like there's only one possible series of events that could possibly result in Alex Kane becoming the next Player, and it's truly the most ridiculous and unlikely series of events that could possibly happen. You're asking me to believe in a near-impossibility, just so we can watch a guy run around and stop bad guys every week? Pfft. Just make him a cop working the streets. Maybe it's too normal, and like every other show out there, but at least I'd buy it. Shit, make it interesting, and make him a vigilante. Now there's a show for you.
There may not be anything else in the 10pm time slot on thursdays, but I doubt I'll waste my time watching the Player. Wesley Snipes isn't enough of a draw, and the action makes little sense in the scheme of things. With the relatively small cast, there's not enough eye-candy to make me even bother tuning in on a weekly basis. The ex-wife was hot, but she's supposedly dead now. So that leaves me with the pseudo-sexual-tension between Snipes and Kane, which would probably end up in the bed at some point. So, like a soap opera/romance novel with two main characters and a secretary. Bleh. I just threw up in my mouth a little. And let's face it... No monsters. Boo-ring.
THE BASTARD EXECUTIONER - Tuesdays at 10pm on FX - I meant to review this show in part 1, but I forgot. Also, since there's so many other shows to watch on Tuesday nights, I think I may have neglected this one a little bit. Thankfully, FX reshowed it on Saturday. The Bastard Executioner is about a former Crusader (I think) turned farmer, turned bandit, whose wife gets slaughtered by the local Lord in feudal England times. Well, he THINKS the local lord slaughtered his wife, it was actually a burn victim who was hanging around with the local midwife. This pisses off the guy, who apparently has sworn off killing people with his sword. Uh, he'll still do it with a club, but apparently, an angel told him to lay down his sword and he did, so, he's taken to clubbing people to death. Okay, bit confusing, I know, bear with me, there's more.
So ex-crusader-bandit guy goes apeshit, sides with the 'rebels' (a bunch of farmers who are tired of the local lord's overly harsh taxes), and manages to kill off the actual local lord. Well, he doesn't kill the guy himself, but suffers a near-fatal wound and is "resurrected" as the local "punisher," otherwise known as an executioner/torturer. Basically, a witch tells him he has to take the dead guy's place, or he might get caught and killed by... people who... don't actually know who killed the local lord, anyways, because they weren't at the battle, and have never seen his face. Wait, wait, there's more, hang on, stick with me here.
Said Executioner, who is now dead, had a wife and family that he regularly mistreated, so they totally side with a total stranger and tell everyone he's their real husband and father, because they don't want the other guy back. Of course, the other guy is dead, so they wouldn't get him back, but I guess they'd rather hook up with a fraud than starve to death, because the penalty for lying to the local lord's magistrate isn't death by starvation, but a much faster death by some other more violent means. I suppose that much makes sense. Unfortunately, the punisher's job is not only to execute people, but to torture them as well, so a guy who disliked killing in the first place, and laid down his sword to kill people with a club, must now take up his sword and torture people before lopping off their heads. Seems like another totally fucked up sequence of events designed solely to make the main character unhappy with his lot in life, doesn't it? Sheesh. Just make the guy a poor farmer, which he was, so he is unsatisfied with his lot in life, which he was. Now he's just... more unsatisifed? I don't know, having a hard time following the point now.
That having been said, there's nudity, decent acting, medieval sword-fighting, blood, guts, maybe some sorcery, angels, perhaps some demons, horribly scarred burn victims, witch-y-looking midwives, and some serious money spent on making the show look good. Bollocks the plot, as the english might say. I'll watch it anyways, just for all that. Or DVR it, if there's too many shows on at 10pm on Tuesday.
BLOOD AND OIL - Sunday night at 9pm on ABC - Don Johnson stars as some oil tycoon named Briggs, who kicks his son out of the house because the kid's a total loser who took a swing at his dad. So far, so good. Oil tycoon Briggs is looking to buy up some land adjacent to a newly-discovered oil field so he can dig for oil. Yea, following along so far. New couple in town living out of a borrowed trailer manage to find this out, find out who owns the land, manage to borrow enough money to buy the rights to that land, and finagle their way into a million-dollar partnership with oil-tycoon Briggs, all in their first week in town. Yea, I'm a little iffy on that one.
What I'm also a little iffy on is, supposedly this new couple has a problem with Briggs being some mean old oil tycoon, when everyone in town is so eager to help them when they find out the couple is going to stick it to Briggs. Wouldn't this clue them in to the fact that Briggs may not be the nicest guy ever? And aside from being a little dirty, Briggs so far has seemed like a stand-up guy. He's given his son every opportunity to man up, but the little dick has thrown it all away, and ends up taking a swing at his own father. I mean, sure, plenty of us have done that, but typically, our fathers were being assholes at the time. Briggs doesn't seem to have a mean bone in his body so far, so why the hell does everyone in town hate him? That isn't making much sense, either. You'd think, if the guy were an asshole, he'd be siding with his asshole of a son, right? Nope! So, doesn't being against the obvious asshole, make him not an asshole? Would make sense, wouldn't it?
Not sure if I'll like blood and oil, but the Strain will be over soon. If I need something to watch on Sunday nights, Blood and Oil might do, but aside from a guest appearance by Barry Corbin, I'm not sure Blood and Oil is going to have enough excitement to offer me. No monsters, no nudity, not enough violence to make up for it. Maybe catch one more episode, and see how things turn out, before I decide.
QUANTICO - Sunday night at 10pm on ABC - Basically, this is a show about a bunch of new students at the FBI training center who are involved in a terrorist bombing somewhere, looks like grand central station. A handful of cute chicks and buff guys parade around in front of the camera trying to lean how to shoot guns and investigate criminals while there's supposedly some terrorist in their midst who actually orchestrated the attack. Sounds exciting, huh?
Well, it's not. If there's one thing I hate, it's too many flashbacks, and let's face it, the people who wrote this should have watched Funny Farm, with Chevy Chase. Yes, the comedy movie. Let me explain. In Funny Farm, Chevy plays a sportswriter who tries his hand at novel-writing, only to find out he sucks as a novelist. When his wife reads the first chapter of his awful novel, she complains that there's too many flashbacks, a flash-forward, and maybe even a flash-sideways. This causes friction in their marriage, leads to much amusement, and almost ends in disaster before leading to the predictable romantic-comedy-happy-ending. That movie wasn't bad, and teaches us all an important lesson about limiting the number of flashbacks in a story. Or, it should have. It appears not everyone has learned this important lesson.
Quantico tries to tell two stories at once, and seems to fail at telling both stories at the same time. Simultaneously flashing backwards and forwards through time, Quantico's pilot episode tries to make me identify with a bunch of idiots who somehow manage to get into the FBI's training class. That's unlikely, but even more unlikely is the sheer number of hidden events in each person's past that should have otherwise excluded them from being in the FBI. Basically, Quantico is saying that not only is everyone at the FBI training academy completely incompetent, but all the new recruits are nutcases ready to explode at any moment. Which is confusing and disappointing enough, without hopping back and forth through time so many times in the first episode that I have absolutely no idea what happened, when it happened, and how it relates to any other event in the story so far. Not only is the plot destroyed by this, but I can't identify with any of the characters because I don't know if any of them are even alive at this point in the story. And even if I knew they were, how am I supposed to identify with an idiot who shouldn't be at the FBI training academy because he's secretly an idiot? Who do I care if any or all of them got blown to itty-bitty-bits? Answer: I don't.
So let's see, Quantico has managed, in its very first episode, to alienate me from the plot, the characters, and even the method in which the plot and characters are presented. I'd say that's pretty impressive for a show, but I don't think it's going to last more than a few episodes, and I'm going to have forgotten it by Xmas, so impressing me with how bad you are, isn't the way to my TV-viewing heart. Bye, Quantico. I'd say nice try, but it really wasn't. You epic-failed on all fronts at once. That's like YouTube-video level of failarity right there.
That's all for now. Might be a part 3 of my Fall Tv review series if I see enough new shows on this week, otherwise, I'm right into the October Horror-movie review-a-thon starting next weekend! YEEEEHAAAWWWW! OCTOBER IS ALMOST HERE!!! HORROR MOVIES!! MONSTERS!! BOOBS! YAY!!!!
Sorry, I got a little excited there. Someone hand me a towel, I need to clean up.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Fall TV series Review, Part 1
There's a fair number of new shows and returning favorites coming out this fall. Let's start with the ones I have seen already.
Z NATION - Friday nights at 10pm on Syfy - Just your typical Zombie Apocalypse show, except for one thing. Murphy. As they tell it, Murphy is the only person to ever survive being bitten by a Zombie, and possibly the only hope of ever getting a cure to the Zombie Plague. Murphy is essentially a half-Zombie. The only problem is, they have to get Murphy to a functioning lab full of scientists in order to milk a cure out of him. Additional issues include, Murphy being able to control other zombies, and not actually wanting to become a guinea pig for a handful of desperate humans. Additional reasons to watch: Lots of gunfights, some of the baddest Zombie-killing slo-mo I have seen since Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, and the lead actress has a really nice rack. Seen every episode last season and I'm up for another round. Why do I like Z Nation and not the Walking Dead, you ask? The Walking Dead is a post-apocalyptic soap opera for women. Z Nation is a post-apocalyptic action movie for men. Dead simple.
GOTHAM - Monday nights at 8pm on Fox - Commissioner Gordon before he became Commissioner, Batman before he became Batman, the Riddler before he became the Riddler, The Penguin before he became The Penguin, Catwoman before she became Catwoman, and Alfred before he became... uh... old. Gothem, when it was still a city on the edge, and not a city where you didn't leave your house for fear of getting ensnared in one of the Joker's evil plots. Seriously, why does anyone still live in Gotham in Batman's Day? You've got one vigilante (Batman) and so many supervillains that the police barricade themselves into the police station and are afraid to come out. Why do any civilians stick around? And don't give me that "It's their home" shit. After the third time you've been blown up by the Joker, there comes a point when you just say Fuck It and move away. Bonus points for Gordon's Ex-partner. I don't know who the hell plays the guy but he's one of the best actors in the show. He's a bartender this season, so it doesn't look like he'll be in the show as much. Shame. Why do I watch Gotham? For Gordon. Batman's like a bad joke to me, an old rich guy with a lot of gadgets to throw at the bad guys, and he supposedly always comes out on top. If this show was all about Batman, I'd avoid it like the plague. Gordon is just a cop with a gun, making this a cop show with Supervillains, much like Marvel's Agents of SHIELD is a show about normal agents who have to stop a lot of supervillains. I've always liked the underdog.
SCORPION - Monday nights at 9pm on CBS - Scorpion returns for Season 2, ending the sexual tension between Walter and Paige by making them smooch. I hope they don't drag this out, because, being a geek, it's always nice to see a fellow geek getting some tail. The rest of the team are pretty much ending up in their own relationships, Toby probably getting back together with Happy, and Sylvester already in a relationship with Walter's sister. Even Gabe is back, and there's a new director of homeland security or whatever the hell her title is, and she actually seems like she's going to back Walter's team all the way. Hopefully this will make things easier for the team, who are still trying to recover from last season. Why do I watch Scorpion? It's a show about people using their intellect to outsmart the bad guys instead of out-shooting or outfighting them, like every OTHER show on TV. I'd watch it just for that reason alone. Although it lacks a bit in the gun-fight department, there's still a good amount of action and explosions, so that makes up for it.
MINORITY REPORT - Monday nights at 9pm on Fox - Based on the movie that came out years ago with Tom Cruise, Minority Report picks up where the movie left off. One of the "Precogs" from the movie (one of three children who can tell when a violent crime is about to occur) grows up and decides to re-enter society. Still subject to visions about violent crimes, he fails to get the full picture of the crime that's about to happen because he doesn't have the assistance of his fellow Precogs. Driven to help the people in his visions, he pairs up with a policewoman who tries to help him figure out when and where the next target will be. Think "Person of Interest" but without the rogue AI, none of the good acting, and some futuristic special effects. Honestly, since this show comes on at the same time as Scorpion, it's an easy choice to watch Scorpion. I didn't like the Minority Report movie, and I don't like the TV show. There's so little action in this show and way too much focus on trying to piece together a murder from odd snippets of visions. Just makes it seem a bit stupid, honestly. You'd think the police in 2065 would figure out how to track down criminals without people who can see the future, but I guess not. Skipping it unless Scorpion is a re-run.
BLINDSPOT - Monday nights at 10pm on NBC - A naked, tattooed woman shows up in Times Square. Turns out she's tattooed with clues leading to some dark criminal conspiracy, but no one can understand the clues and the woman has permanent amnesia. This show reminds me of the Whispers, where a guy was covered with tattoos that gave clues to upcoming crimes, but there's no aliens in Blindspot that I know of. Basically, Blindspot is a show about stopping terrorists as far as I can tell, but the tattoos give the show an excuse to reveal as much of the woman's body as possible on network TV without angering the Censors. Don't like the woman so far, but the action is decent and the show seems to have some decent money and special effects behind it, as well as a varied cast and good on-location shots. Might give it a watch since there's nothing competing with it in its time-slot at the moment.
MUPPETS - Tuesday nights at 8pm on ABC - Yes, it's the muppets, Miss Piggy now has her own late-night talk show (honestly, they should have just given her The Late Show, she probably would have done better than Stephen Colbert), Kermit is her executive producer, and the rest of the Muppets are helping to run the show. All your old favorites (yes, I watched this show when I was a kid) have returned to hang out with Miss Piggy. The show still has the same sense of humor, which is a good thing. It only lasts a half hour, which is a bad thing. There's only so much fun you can have when you're pressed for time, and I think trying to squeeze the muppets into a half-hour show is going to have a detrimental effect on the show's longevity. Why am I watching a show with hand puppets in it? It's funny. Where else can you see a frog with a pig fetish, or a woman with a fozzie bear fetish? Exactly. Nowhere else. Am I man enough to watch a show with puppets in it and talk about it openly on the internet? You're goddamn right I am.
LIMITLESS - Tuesday nights at 10pm on CBS - Another show based off a movie, this one about a pill that makes your brain work as efficiently as humanly possible, allowing you to do what seems impossible. Since I do that kind of thing every damn day, this is nothing new for me, but I can see where it would be a draw for normal folks. This particular show stars a relative nobody as the male lead, but the supporting cast includes Jennifer Carpenter, recently of Dexter fame, who I always thought was not only a decent actress, but cute in a girl-next-door kind of way. Also appearing in the show is the guy from the movie, Bradley Cooper, I guess? That would be like getting Tom Cruise to show up in the Minority Report TV series, and no, that wouldn't make me want to watch Minority Report any more. Probably less, in fact. Since Limitless is basically about a smart guy (granted, smart from pills) outwitting the bad guys once more, much like Scorpion, it would be silly to not watch this one as well. There's nothing on TV in its time slot to compete against it, so why not?
That's all for now. The Strain is finishing up its summer run on FX in another week or two, so I didn't see any point in listing it as a Fall series. I'll have another update later this week, if I can find some more season premieres to watch. If I got any of the times and channels wrong, sorry, did my best. I may be a genius, but I'm still human. Til next time.
Z NATION - Friday nights at 10pm on Syfy - Just your typical Zombie Apocalypse show, except for one thing. Murphy. As they tell it, Murphy is the only person to ever survive being bitten by a Zombie, and possibly the only hope of ever getting a cure to the Zombie Plague. Murphy is essentially a half-Zombie. The only problem is, they have to get Murphy to a functioning lab full of scientists in order to milk a cure out of him. Additional issues include, Murphy being able to control other zombies, and not actually wanting to become a guinea pig for a handful of desperate humans. Additional reasons to watch: Lots of gunfights, some of the baddest Zombie-killing slo-mo I have seen since Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, and the lead actress has a really nice rack. Seen every episode last season and I'm up for another round. Why do I like Z Nation and not the Walking Dead, you ask? The Walking Dead is a post-apocalyptic soap opera for women. Z Nation is a post-apocalyptic action movie for men. Dead simple.
GOTHAM - Monday nights at 8pm on Fox - Commissioner Gordon before he became Commissioner, Batman before he became Batman, the Riddler before he became the Riddler, The Penguin before he became The Penguin, Catwoman before she became Catwoman, and Alfred before he became... uh... old. Gothem, when it was still a city on the edge, and not a city where you didn't leave your house for fear of getting ensnared in one of the Joker's evil plots. Seriously, why does anyone still live in Gotham in Batman's Day? You've got one vigilante (Batman) and so many supervillains that the police barricade themselves into the police station and are afraid to come out. Why do any civilians stick around? And don't give me that "It's their home" shit. After the third time you've been blown up by the Joker, there comes a point when you just say Fuck It and move away. Bonus points for Gordon's Ex-partner. I don't know who the hell plays the guy but he's one of the best actors in the show. He's a bartender this season, so it doesn't look like he'll be in the show as much. Shame. Why do I watch Gotham? For Gordon. Batman's like a bad joke to me, an old rich guy with a lot of gadgets to throw at the bad guys, and he supposedly always comes out on top. If this show was all about Batman, I'd avoid it like the plague. Gordon is just a cop with a gun, making this a cop show with Supervillains, much like Marvel's Agents of SHIELD is a show about normal agents who have to stop a lot of supervillains. I've always liked the underdog.
SCORPION - Monday nights at 9pm on CBS - Scorpion returns for Season 2, ending the sexual tension between Walter and Paige by making them smooch. I hope they don't drag this out, because, being a geek, it's always nice to see a fellow geek getting some tail. The rest of the team are pretty much ending up in their own relationships, Toby probably getting back together with Happy, and Sylvester already in a relationship with Walter's sister. Even Gabe is back, and there's a new director of homeland security or whatever the hell her title is, and she actually seems like she's going to back Walter's team all the way. Hopefully this will make things easier for the team, who are still trying to recover from last season. Why do I watch Scorpion? It's a show about people using their intellect to outsmart the bad guys instead of out-shooting or outfighting them, like every OTHER show on TV. I'd watch it just for that reason alone. Although it lacks a bit in the gun-fight department, there's still a good amount of action and explosions, so that makes up for it.
MINORITY REPORT - Monday nights at 9pm on Fox - Based on the movie that came out years ago with Tom Cruise, Minority Report picks up where the movie left off. One of the "Precogs" from the movie (one of three children who can tell when a violent crime is about to occur) grows up and decides to re-enter society. Still subject to visions about violent crimes, he fails to get the full picture of the crime that's about to happen because he doesn't have the assistance of his fellow Precogs. Driven to help the people in his visions, he pairs up with a policewoman who tries to help him figure out when and where the next target will be. Think "Person of Interest" but without the rogue AI, none of the good acting, and some futuristic special effects. Honestly, since this show comes on at the same time as Scorpion, it's an easy choice to watch Scorpion. I didn't like the Minority Report movie, and I don't like the TV show. There's so little action in this show and way too much focus on trying to piece together a murder from odd snippets of visions. Just makes it seem a bit stupid, honestly. You'd think the police in 2065 would figure out how to track down criminals without people who can see the future, but I guess not. Skipping it unless Scorpion is a re-run.
BLINDSPOT - Monday nights at 10pm on NBC - A naked, tattooed woman shows up in Times Square. Turns out she's tattooed with clues leading to some dark criminal conspiracy, but no one can understand the clues and the woman has permanent amnesia. This show reminds me of the Whispers, where a guy was covered with tattoos that gave clues to upcoming crimes, but there's no aliens in Blindspot that I know of. Basically, Blindspot is a show about stopping terrorists as far as I can tell, but the tattoos give the show an excuse to reveal as much of the woman's body as possible on network TV without angering the Censors. Don't like the woman so far, but the action is decent and the show seems to have some decent money and special effects behind it, as well as a varied cast and good on-location shots. Might give it a watch since there's nothing competing with it in its time-slot at the moment.
MUPPETS - Tuesday nights at 8pm on ABC - Yes, it's the muppets, Miss Piggy now has her own late-night talk show (honestly, they should have just given her The Late Show, she probably would have done better than Stephen Colbert), Kermit is her executive producer, and the rest of the Muppets are helping to run the show. All your old favorites (yes, I watched this show when I was a kid) have returned to hang out with Miss Piggy. The show still has the same sense of humor, which is a good thing. It only lasts a half hour, which is a bad thing. There's only so much fun you can have when you're pressed for time, and I think trying to squeeze the muppets into a half-hour show is going to have a detrimental effect on the show's longevity. Why am I watching a show with hand puppets in it? It's funny. Where else can you see a frog with a pig fetish, or a woman with a fozzie bear fetish? Exactly. Nowhere else. Am I man enough to watch a show with puppets in it and talk about it openly on the internet? You're goddamn right I am.
LIMITLESS - Tuesday nights at 10pm on CBS - Another show based off a movie, this one about a pill that makes your brain work as efficiently as humanly possible, allowing you to do what seems impossible. Since I do that kind of thing every damn day, this is nothing new for me, but I can see where it would be a draw for normal folks. This particular show stars a relative nobody as the male lead, but the supporting cast includes Jennifer Carpenter, recently of Dexter fame, who I always thought was not only a decent actress, but cute in a girl-next-door kind of way. Also appearing in the show is the guy from the movie, Bradley Cooper, I guess? That would be like getting Tom Cruise to show up in the Minority Report TV series, and no, that wouldn't make me want to watch Minority Report any more. Probably less, in fact. Since Limitless is basically about a smart guy (granted, smart from pills) outwitting the bad guys once more, much like Scorpion, it would be silly to not watch this one as well. There's nothing on TV in its time slot to compete against it, so why not?
That's all for now. The Strain is finishing up its summer run on FX in another week or two, so I didn't see any point in listing it as a Fall series. I'll have another update later this week, if I can find some more season premieres to watch. If I got any of the times and channels wrong, sorry, did my best. I may be a genius, but I'm still human. Til next time.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Summer Series Wrap-Up, Zoo (2015)
I was kind of psyched last spring, when I first heard about Zoo. I haven't read very many books of James Patterson's, mostly because I don't particularly like his style of writing. He is very prolific, however, so I figured, what the hell, if he's lending his name to a series, maybe he's got enough dough to take a risk and do something entertaining. I guess since I watched Zoo all summer long, it was maybe entertaining enough. I mean, it was this and Whispers all summer, because I didn't have enough cash to go on vacation, so I guess there wasn't much else to do. But let me get into the summation.
Zoo is a one-hour series on CBS. It was on Tuesday nights all summer long, but don't go looking for it now, because the season finale was last night. Zoo is, well, not about a Zoo. It's about how a mutation starts making the various species of animals in the world more intelligent, and how they start attacking us instead of each other. A female, french version of Jack Ryan (yea, basically, she's an analyst tossed into the field) gets a team of people together who are basically just the first-line defense against the wave of killer animals, and she only picks them because they already know what's going on. The first season is all about how the team tries to find a cure for the mutation, while the animal kingdom goes apeshit.
I first started having issues with Zoo when the african lions dragged one of the characters into a tree. If you watch nature shows at all (and I know a lot of people do), it's pretty clear that african lions don't drag prey into trees. That's a leopard thing. African lions are too heavy, or don't have the right claws, or some reason, but they have a devilishly hard time climbing trees, because that's where leopards drag their kills to keep them away from lions. This was pretty much the first or second episode, so I knew I was going to have some issues with the 'reality' behind Zoo.
Then, they keep trying to find a cure for what they keep calling a mutation. They make a very specific case during the dialogue why this isn't a virus, but a mutation, brought on by some weird genetically modified feed that a company has introduced into the food chain, but then they spend the whole season looking for a 'cure,' which doesn't make any sense. Also, there's like a TON of rhinos, elephants, lions and bears roaming through the cities, which makes for great visuals, but come on. Where the hell are all these african-safari animals coming from? Then you got the humans talking about how the animals have stopped feeding on each other, over the course of months, and that's just bunk. There aren't enough humans to support the average population of dogs and cats in a city, let alone larger animals like bears and lions, and the animals would have quickly starved to death without eating each other. But aside from all the technical issues in the show, it's basically just a rip-off of Hitchcock's "The Birds."
Aside from all the technical issues and gaffs, there was one thing that really bugged me. There are several instances of birds attacking planes so badly that they fall out of the sky, which just seems ridiculous to me. One, it happened so many times in the series that it started getting predictable. The only way to bring down a plane like that is for birds (or bats, whatever) to fly into the plane's engine intakes and muck up the engines. I know this used to be a problem, and I think there was some discussion about covering up the engine intakes, but let's be clear. You're taking about a small bird or bat, slamming into something the size of a 747, traveling hundreds of miles an hour. It would be like a bug hitting the windshield of your car. Does it make you fly off the road into a ditch every time it happens? No. No matter how many of them there are, it's not going to bring the plane down unless the engines fail. The only thing you'd need to do to prevent it, is install engine intake covers so the birds couldn't gum up the works.
That's not even covering the simple facts, like, birds and bats can't fly that high because there's not enough oxygen to breathe. They'd quickly pass out and fall from the sky just trying to get that high up, and why would they even sacrifice themselves? The whole point of a mutation is that, if the mutation is beneficial, the animal survives a little more easily, and passes it onto its offspring and the species survives a little better out there. Any mutation that makes the animal become a suicidal killing machine that stops eating normally in order to destroy humans sure as hell isn't going to survive better than its normal cousins for very long. So passing on the mutation would be absolutely impossible, and any animal that had it would quickly pass into extinction. But I guess that doesn't make for a very entertaining series, does it?
You know, I keep wanting to cast aside the technical contradictions and just get to things like acting talent and entertainment value, but I just can't seem to do it. I don't really identify with any of the characters, none of them particularly stand out, and though well acted, I can't seem to get my head around any of their individual motivations. Basically, if you want to see a lot of wildlife threaten humans in the most outlandish fashion possibly imaginable, over and over again, watch Zoo when it comes up on DVD or netflix or something, because I don't know if it will get renewed next season. If animals don't particularly frighten you, and lack of any character depth is a problem for you, then don't expect to like Zoo. I didn't like the season ending, either, but maybe that's just me. They seemed to skip ahead a lot, which I don't like.
In other series news, I've been watching the Strain (which continues to be pretty entertaining) and From Dusk Til Dawn (the series on El Rey network). I think the Strain is on FX. Both series are about vampires. The Strain is a more scientifically plausible look at how a vampire plague might spread, while From Dusk Til Dawn is a refreshingly latino (or spanish or mexican, whatever works for you) look at vampirism, and how a vampire strip club is the center of the vampire religion. Based off the movie with George Clooney, the series basically retells the same tale as the movie, then branches off into the various plots and pitfalls of the various characters. So, basically a soap opera, with lots of shootings and some nudity to spice up the usual whining and backstabbing. Both shows are pretty entertaining, and both are in the middle of their seasons, if I'm not mistaken. The Strain puts forth it's own reality, and then sticks to it so there's no contradiction, and Dusk Til Dawn is too busy throwing people in front of bullets to worry about contradicting itself.
The Whispers finished up a couple weeks ago, and I didn't like that one either, mostly because all the characters were idiots. There was too much "oh my little child is in trouble" crap and not enough "kill the damn alien!" going on, for my taste, but I like a series with lots of action in it. If you're going to have an alien, I want to see the damn thing, in the flesh as it were, and not traipsing around in the guise of a human. Plus, all the adults were morons. The season finale didn't seem to make any sense, and never really explained itself. If it does come on again next summer, I doubt i'll even watch it, unless I'm so bored I can't find anything else to do.
That about covers it for the summer series. I'm eagerly awaiting the fall premieres so I can give you guys an update on those. I'm undecided if I'm going to do the full 31 days of horror movie reviews this year. I may just review several good horror movies every weekend, assuming I can find them to watch. Hey, let's be honest, there's so many crap movies floating around nowadays that it's hard to find something good to watch, and ALL of them are hyped up like they are the next 'Exorcist.' There's no way to tell which movies are good without watching them, and there's only so many hours a day I can spend watching movies to find something good to review. If I've watched two or three movies already that day, and all of them sucked, it's sort of depressing wasting all that time watching crap, you know? After a full day of that, the last thing I feel like doing is going online and reliving those wasted hours. Bleh. We'll see.
One series I am looking forward to this fall is Ash Vs Evil Dead. I don't recall what network it's on, but I think Bruce Campbell is pretty awesome, and I don't particularly like most of the other things he's been in. I've been hoping he would get back into some zombie-demon-killing movies so I could start spouting off one-liners like I used to do after watching Army of Darkness back in the early nineties. With any luck, Ash Vs Evil Dead will make my most seductive come-on line "Give me some sugar, baby." popular again, and I might get some tail for a change and not be so cranky. And yes, I know, if my favorite come-on line is a snippet from a 23-year-old zombie-killing movie, I've got some issues. Pfeh. That fact that I have issues is obvious. Don't get me started.
Til next time, happy readers.
Zoo is a one-hour series on CBS. It was on Tuesday nights all summer long, but don't go looking for it now, because the season finale was last night. Zoo is, well, not about a Zoo. It's about how a mutation starts making the various species of animals in the world more intelligent, and how they start attacking us instead of each other. A female, french version of Jack Ryan (yea, basically, she's an analyst tossed into the field) gets a team of people together who are basically just the first-line defense against the wave of killer animals, and she only picks them because they already know what's going on. The first season is all about how the team tries to find a cure for the mutation, while the animal kingdom goes apeshit.
I first started having issues with Zoo when the african lions dragged one of the characters into a tree. If you watch nature shows at all (and I know a lot of people do), it's pretty clear that african lions don't drag prey into trees. That's a leopard thing. African lions are too heavy, or don't have the right claws, or some reason, but they have a devilishly hard time climbing trees, because that's where leopards drag their kills to keep them away from lions. This was pretty much the first or second episode, so I knew I was going to have some issues with the 'reality' behind Zoo.
Then, they keep trying to find a cure for what they keep calling a mutation. They make a very specific case during the dialogue why this isn't a virus, but a mutation, brought on by some weird genetically modified feed that a company has introduced into the food chain, but then they spend the whole season looking for a 'cure,' which doesn't make any sense. Also, there's like a TON of rhinos, elephants, lions and bears roaming through the cities, which makes for great visuals, but come on. Where the hell are all these african-safari animals coming from? Then you got the humans talking about how the animals have stopped feeding on each other, over the course of months, and that's just bunk. There aren't enough humans to support the average population of dogs and cats in a city, let alone larger animals like bears and lions, and the animals would have quickly starved to death without eating each other. But aside from all the technical issues in the show, it's basically just a rip-off of Hitchcock's "The Birds."
Aside from all the technical issues and gaffs, there was one thing that really bugged me. There are several instances of birds attacking planes so badly that they fall out of the sky, which just seems ridiculous to me. One, it happened so many times in the series that it started getting predictable. The only way to bring down a plane like that is for birds (or bats, whatever) to fly into the plane's engine intakes and muck up the engines. I know this used to be a problem, and I think there was some discussion about covering up the engine intakes, but let's be clear. You're taking about a small bird or bat, slamming into something the size of a 747, traveling hundreds of miles an hour. It would be like a bug hitting the windshield of your car. Does it make you fly off the road into a ditch every time it happens? No. No matter how many of them there are, it's not going to bring the plane down unless the engines fail. The only thing you'd need to do to prevent it, is install engine intake covers so the birds couldn't gum up the works.
That's not even covering the simple facts, like, birds and bats can't fly that high because there's not enough oxygen to breathe. They'd quickly pass out and fall from the sky just trying to get that high up, and why would they even sacrifice themselves? The whole point of a mutation is that, if the mutation is beneficial, the animal survives a little more easily, and passes it onto its offspring and the species survives a little better out there. Any mutation that makes the animal become a suicidal killing machine that stops eating normally in order to destroy humans sure as hell isn't going to survive better than its normal cousins for very long. So passing on the mutation would be absolutely impossible, and any animal that had it would quickly pass into extinction. But I guess that doesn't make for a very entertaining series, does it?
You know, I keep wanting to cast aside the technical contradictions and just get to things like acting talent and entertainment value, but I just can't seem to do it. I don't really identify with any of the characters, none of them particularly stand out, and though well acted, I can't seem to get my head around any of their individual motivations. Basically, if you want to see a lot of wildlife threaten humans in the most outlandish fashion possibly imaginable, over and over again, watch Zoo when it comes up on DVD or netflix or something, because I don't know if it will get renewed next season. If animals don't particularly frighten you, and lack of any character depth is a problem for you, then don't expect to like Zoo. I didn't like the season ending, either, but maybe that's just me. They seemed to skip ahead a lot, which I don't like.
In other series news, I've been watching the Strain (which continues to be pretty entertaining) and From Dusk Til Dawn (the series on El Rey network). I think the Strain is on FX. Both series are about vampires. The Strain is a more scientifically plausible look at how a vampire plague might spread, while From Dusk Til Dawn is a refreshingly latino (or spanish or mexican, whatever works for you) look at vampirism, and how a vampire strip club is the center of the vampire religion. Based off the movie with George Clooney, the series basically retells the same tale as the movie, then branches off into the various plots and pitfalls of the various characters. So, basically a soap opera, with lots of shootings and some nudity to spice up the usual whining and backstabbing. Both shows are pretty entertaining, and both are in the middle of their seasons, if I'm not mistaken. The Strain puts forth it's own reality, and then sticks to it so there's no contradiction, and Dusk Til Dawn is too busy throwing people in front of bullets to worry about contradicting itself.
The Whispers finished up a couple weeks ago, and I didn't like that one either, mostly because all the characters were idiots. There was too much "oh my little child is in trouble" crap and not enough "kill the damn alien!" going on, for my taste, but I like a series with lots of action in it. If you're going to have an alien, I want to see the damn thing, in the flesh as it were, and not traipsing around in the guise of a human. Plus, all the adults were morons. The season finale didn't seem to make any sense, and never really explained itself. If it does come on again next summer, I doubt i'll even watch it, unless I'm so bored I can't find anything else to do.
That about covers it for the summer series. I'm eagerly awaiting the fall premieres so I can give you guys an update on those. I'm undecided if I'm going to do the full 31 days of horror movie reviews this year. I may just review several good horror movies every weekend, assuming I can find them to watch. Hey, let's be honest, there's so many crap movies floating around nowadays that it's hard to find something good to watch, and ALL of them are hyped up like they are the next 'Exorcist.' There's no way to tell which movies are good without watching them, and there's only so many hours a day I can spend watching movies to find something good to review. If I've watched two or three movies already that day, and all of them sucked, it's sort of depressing wasting all that time watching crap, you know? After a full day of that, the last thing I feel like doing is going online and reliving those wasted hours. Bleh. We'll see.
One series I am looking forward to this fall is Ash Vs Evil Dead. I don't recall what network it's on, but I think Bruce Campbell is pretty awesome, and I don't particularly like most of the other things he's been in. I've been hoping he would get back into some zombie-demon-killing movies so I could start spouting off one-liners like I used to do after watching Army of Darkness back in the early nineties. With any luck, Ash Vs Evil Dead will make my most seductive come-on line "Give me some sugar, baby." popular again, and I might get some tail for a change and not be so cranky. And yes, I know, if my favorite come-on line is a snippet from a 23-year-old zombie-killing movie, I've got some issues. Pfeh. That fact that I have issues is obvious. Don't get me started.
Til next time, happy readers.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Review - Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Okay, I don't normally do this. But I haven't seen anything fun to watch lately, and dammit, I'm just going to say it.
Stephen Colbert is no David Letterman.
I don't know what I was expecting. I know he's not a comedian. I guess I got spoiled by years of talk show hosts honing their talents on stage doing stand-up comedy routines. Even Jay Leno, who I don't think was ever particularly funny, at least put in some time doing stand-up routines before getting his Tonight Show gig. At least, I think he did. I seem to remember him at least being in a comedy movie with Pat Morita at one point. In any case, I guess maybe what I'm missing is the big monologue.
Stephen Colbert didn't really seem to have one. He just came out, danced a little, like Ellen (and even Ellen Degeneres was a stand-up comedian before she started a talk show), and then sat down and started plugging Hummus and eating oreos. To be fair, I like neither hummus, nor Oreos, so perhaps I am a bit prejudiced. And then, of course, he trotted out Donald Trump snippets until I began to get nauseous and then brought George Clooney in to talk about... nothing. And his next guest is Jeb Bush, which just brings actual politics into it. And as we all know...
I hate politics.
I know it's his first show. I know there's probably no format yet. I know the show will probably get better, because let's face it, there's no where to go from this point, but up. But, I also know he's had over three months to get his shit together. And probably longer than that to plan it all out. So if three months of work gets me five minutes of Donald Trump snippets and Stephen eating oreos, then he needed about two or three years more preparation.
He's got one running gag that seems moderately interesting. There's a guy in the audience, Les Moon-something-or-other, that supposedly owns CBS. Maybe it is the guy who owns CBS. I have no idea. I could trip over the guy's dead body and not recognize him, so don't ask me. He's got his hand on a lever that shuts off Stephen Colbert and turns the Mentalist back on, because apparently the Mentalist has been showing in the Late Show spot all summer. Honestly, the two snippets of the Mentalist that I saw DID look much more interesting than the Stephen Colbert show. Of course, I haven't ever really watched the Mentalist, but the show now looks kind of interesting in comparison to Stephen Colbert.
Something else I'd like to say... Jeb Bush reminds me of Ned Beatty. He really does. Not sure why. Perhaps his way of speaking reminds me of some character Ned played in a movie once. Hmmm. Moving on.
And the show is pretty much over. A non-conversation with George Clooney, and a brief pitch by Ned Beatty for presid... uh, I mean, Jeb Bush for president. Meh. I think I'd rather vote for Ned Beatty. Shit, even Warren Beatty in Bulworth probably would've gotten my vote before Jeb. But who am I kidding? I don't even vote. Why don't I vote, you ask? Mostly because I'm given a choice between Dumb and Dumber, and just like the movie with Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, I'd rather not involve myself with such idiocy by partaking in the process of even watching it, let alone thunking a lever in some neglected booth somewhere and being at least partially responsible for giving some idiot power over my own life. Seriously, why would anyone do that? Do you really think the guy or girl you're voting for actually gives a rat's ass if you get what you want out of life? NO! They just want your vote! Once they have it, they are going to do whatever they want with the power you just gave them, and to hell with you, because you don't matter anymore. You've thunked your lever. Bah. Politics. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Moving on.
So, let's recap. Stephen Colbert's monologue, nonexistent. Stephen Colbert's humor, nonexistent. Stephen Colbert's connections with his guests, not present. Well, looks like nobody showed up for roll call, so we might as well cancel the class for the season. Shall we take bets on how quickly CBS replaces him with someone else? I hope it's soon. I'm not even trying to be politically correct here, but surely we could find a woman to do his job, couldn't we? Give Alyssa Milano her own talk show! Sure, she hasn't been a heart-throb since the maybe the 1990's, but dammit, I could probably stand to listen to her speak for an hour. Well, unless she kept rambling on about sports.
I hate sports. And yes, I know, football season is starting. Don't get me started. (shakes head sadly)
Well, a piss-poor review of a piss-poor late night TV talk show, and not even close to a horror movie, but let's be honest here, we can't spend all our lives just watching horror movies. At some point, you have to toss in a Godzilla movie, just for variety. So this is my variety, and hopefully, after this, it'll be all about action movies, horror, and sci-fi.
I can only hope, because do you seriously think I want to be watching and reviewing Late Night Talk Shows? Blech! I'd rather eat paint chips. Until next time, when hopefully I can find a better subject for review.
Stephen Colbert is no David Letterman.
I don't know what I was expecting. I know he's not a comedian. I guess I got spoiled by years of talk show hosts honing their talents on stage doing stand-up comedy routines. Even Jay Leno, who I don't think was ever particularly funny, at least put in some time doing stand-up routines before getting his Tonight Show gig. At least, I think he did. I seem to remember him at least being in a comedy movie with Pat Morita at one point. In any case, I guess maybe what I'm missing is the big monologue.
Stephen Colbert didn't really seem to have one. He just came out, danced a little, like Ellen (and even Ellen Degeneres was a stand-up comedian before she started a talk show), and then sat down and started plugging Hummus and eating oreos. To be fair, I like neither hummus, nor Oreos, so perhaps I am a bit prejudiced. And then, of course, he trotted out Donald Trump snippets until I began to get nauseous and then brought George Clooney in to talk about... nothing. And his next guest is Jeb Bush, which just brings actual politics into it. And as we all know...
I hate politics.
I know it's his first show. I know there's probably no format yet. I know the show will probably get better, because let's face it, there's no where to go from this point, but up. But, I also know he's had over three months to get his shit together. And probably longer than that to plan it all out. So if three months of work gets me five minutes of Donald Trump snippets and Stephen eating oreos, then he needed about two or three years more preparation.
He's got one running gag that seems moderately interesting. There's a guy in the audience, Les Moon-something-or-other, that supposedly owns CBS. Maybe it is the guy who owns CBS. I have no idea. I could trip over the guy's dead body and not recognize him, so don't ask me. He's got his hand on a lever that shuts off Stephen Colbert and turns the Mentalist back on, because apparently the Mentalist has been showing in the Late Show spot all summer. Honestly, the two snippets of the Mentalist that I saw DID look much more interesting than the Stephen Colbert show. Of course, I haven't ever really watched the Mentalist, but the show now looks kind of interesting in comparison to Stephen Colbert.
Something else I'd like to say... Jeb Bush reminds me of Ned Beatty. He really does. Not sure why. Perhaps his way of speaking reminds me of some character Ned played in a movie once. Hmmm. Moving on.
And the show is pretty much over. A non-conversation with George Clooney, and a brief pitch by Ned Beatty for presid... uh, I mean, Jeb Bush for president. Meh. I think I'd rather vote for Ned Beatty. Shit, even Warren Beatty in Bulworth probably would've gotten my vote before Jeb. But who am I kidding? I don't even vote. Why don't I vote, you ask? Mostly because I'm given a choice between Dumb and Dumber, and just like the movie with Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, I'd rather not involve myself with such idiocy by partaking in the process of even watching it, let alone thunking a lever in some neglected booth somewhere and being at least partially responsible for giving some idiot power over my own life. Seriously, why would anyone do that? Do you really think the guy or girl you're voting for actually gives a rat's ass if you get what you want out of life? NO! They just want your vote! Once they have it, they are going to do whatever they want with the power you just gave them, and to hell with you, because you don't matter anymore. You've thunked your lever. Bah. Politics. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Moving on.
So, let's recap. Stephen Colbert's monologue, nonexistent. Stephen Colbert's humor, nonexistent. Stephen Colbert's connections with his guests, not present. Well, looks like nobody showed up for roll call, so we might as well cancel the class for the season. Shall we take bets on how quickly CBS replaces him with someone else? I hope it's soon. I'm not even trying to be politically correct here, but surely we could find a woman to do his job, couldn't we? Give Alyssa Milano her own talk show! Sure, she hasn't been a heart-throb since the maybe the 1990's, but dammit, I could probably stand to listen to her speak for an hour. Well, unless she kept rambling on about sports.
I hate sports. And yes, I know, football season is starting. Don't get me started. (shakes head sadly)
Well, a piss-poor review of a piss-poor late night TV talk show, and not even close to a horror movie, but let's be honest here, we can't spend all our lives just watching horror movies. At some point, you have to toss in a Godzilla movie, just for variety. So this is my variety, and hopefully, after this, it'll be all about action movies, horror, and sci-fi.
I can only hope, because do you seriously think I want to be watching and reviewing Late Night Talk Shows? Blech! I'd rather eat paint chips. Until next time, when hopefully I can find a better subject for review.
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