It's been so hard to find something good to watch the last few weeks, which is why I haven't posted a review lately. Mostly I've had to content myself with series, most notably of which is Daredevil, on Netflix. But I'll cover that after I do the Hercules review.
Hercules (2014) is the second of two Hercules movies released in 2014, the other one being the Legend of Hercules with Kellan Lutz playing the title role. This one, starring Dwayne Johnson, seems to be the more memorable of the two, if not necessarily the better. This one tells the tale of Hercules as a broken man, exiled from Athens after supposedly slaying his wife and children in a fit of rage. Travelling the countryside with his mercenary companions, Hercules seeks only enough gold to find a quiet place far away, where he might live out his years in peace. Hercules' salvation comes in the form of a job offer. Hercules may have twice his weight in gold, if he can but settle the rebellion in the kingdom of Thrace. But Amphiaraus, Hercules' companion and seer, has foretold that Hercules cannot rest until he finishes his last labor... the slaying of Cerberus, the three headed dog, whose visage haunts Hercules' nightmares.
Damn, my set-up for the movie may be better than the movie itself. I've heard Dwayne Johnson say he was born to play this role, and he certainly looks the part. The supporting cast is excellent, with Ian Mcshane as Amphiaraus and John Hurt as Lord Cotys. I have never heard of the actress who plays the Amazon babe (Atalanta, a mythical greek heroine of some repute) with the bow before, but she's pretty hot, and there's a brief nude scene in Hercules' memories of his deceased wife, who was also quite attractive. I'd say the acting was okay. I mean, this is a blood and swords type thing. I'd say it was a sword and sorcery flick, but there's no sorcery here. What you get instead is a movie that explains away all the myths as the tricks of men. As Hercules' own legend is formed around the aid of his companions, so are the legends of the myths revealed. Centaurs are armored men on horses. The many heads of the Hydra are merely a cult of men with serpent masks (when one head is cut off, two shall rise... HAIL HYDRA! Sorry... been watching too much of Marvel's Agents of SHIELD). There is no sorcery, no legends but those created in the retelling of tales, over and over. What does seem to be the truth is Hercules' strength, and the ferocity and battle-hardened skills of his companions, with whom he has fought many a battle.
The special effects for this movie are fairly decent, and it is obvious that the bulk of the money was spent on the battle scenes, which aren't bad at all. It's an action movie, so don't expect too much besides good action. There's little character development, no romance, no spell-tossing, no deities coming down from the sky and battling monstrous mythological titans. What there is, is a fairly well-told story of betrayal and revenge, that lasts an hour and a half, and becomes mildly entertaining around the end part. The story glosses over details of Hercules' past. This isn't an origin story, but takes up the tale of the hero long after anyone else thought to write legends about him. So, a different take on Hercules, that's for sure.
I can't see myself really watching this one again. it was okay enough the first time around, so I would say, check it out just to keep Dwayne Johnson in gas money. He seems like a nice enough fella. After that, I can't really say there's anything to inspire you to watch it over again. It's decently entertaining enough, if a slow starter. Hercules is on Epix this month.
Now, on to the series almost-finale season recaps! Let's start with Sundays!
Game of Thrones only just started the season, so don't expect a wrap-up yet. Tyrion is on his way to meet Daenaerys Tarrgaeren, or however you spell her name, helped along by Varys, Master Spy. Arya Stark has finally been accepted into the House of Light and Dark, and begun her training as an assassin. There's only a few names left on her list of people to kill, the others having fallen in the chaos that engulfs the seven kingdoms. Jon Snow has been voted the new leader of ... Uh, whatever their name is, those brothers in black. Those guys who defend the Wall. Mance Rayder, king beyond the Wall, is dead. That's about all the people I care about, but the one-handed Kingslayer is heading to retrieve his daughter from the clutches of the people she was gifted to as a youth. Noticably missing is the presence of nudity this season. So much a part of the series in the past, it seems like once one actress decided against doing any more nude scenes, they all did. Sadly. I don't just watch this show to see Peter Dinklage drinking himself to death, you know. I want boobies!
The Lizzie Borden Chronicles, starring Christina Ricci, just started its season, on Lifetime and A&E. Not sure how many episodes they got coming, but it's about the aftermath of Lizzie Borden's assault on her parents, and pretty much how she goes around killing anyone who pisses her off. So, seems like a good show, and Christina Ricci is pretty hot (and also a decently good actress, as far as I can tell). I saw her recently in After.Life, with Liam Neeson, and she spends half the movie naked. Much like she did in Black Snake Moan. After.Life wasn't actually a bad movie, by the way. Sort of horror, without any real monsters, so not my favorite, but still not bad. More a suspense horror type thing, and a bit slow, but worth a watch if only to see Christina Ricci, and Liam Neeson playing a very creepy undertaker.
Last Week Tonight with John Olivier is probably about midway through the second half of the second season. John oliver recaps the news from last week with as much humor as he can scrounge up. Personally, i think he was funnier last season, when he relied more on his comedic talents than the gimmicks he seems to enjoy this season, like Michael Bolton singing a song about the vital importance of the IRS. Sure, maybe the IRS is vitally important, and maybe it is the anus of our government, one which really must work, or the shit just backs up and drowns us all. And yes, the song was mildly amusing. But I don't really care. It's all politics, and I find politics quite boring.
Monday nights have Gotham and Scorpion!
Gotham is almost to the end of the season. I think the last or second last episode is on in a couple days. What we've had so far is the death of Bruce Wayne's parents, and the first steps he's taken on the road to becoming Batman. Bruce may be a smart kid, and sure, he's brave. But, he also seems kind of stupid, and I'm beginning to wonder how he ever lived long enough to become Batman. Detective Gordon (before he became Commissioner) is certainly the main character in Gotham so far. With his partner, he's managed to take down all opposition that's come up against him, and we've seen the likes of the Riddler, the Penguin, and the Scarecrow all getting their starts. It might be interesting to see a fully unified police force, under the command of james Gordon, trying to hold off the psychopaths and villains on their own, until Batman can take over. Hopefully, they'll do that next season, and make the show even grittier, because I'm kind of sick of seeing Oswald Cobblepott dance with his mother, no matter how enchanting Carol Kane is as an actress.
Scorpion had the season finale last week. If you missed it, Walter (the head geek) had an emotional meltdown and lost both Gabe (the homeland security guy) and his waitress-turned-love-interest, Paige. Blazing along a back road in a hot sports car, Walter almost hit a coyote, went through a guardrail, and ended up stranded and injured halfway down a slippery slope. Needless to say, Walter's team tracks him down, and they manage to save him, and Paige seems to hint at a possible future romantic involvement with Walter. Gabe and Paige are back on Team Scorpion, and everyone's happy. Even Happy seems happy, and she's otherwise perpetually dour.
Tuesdays have Flash and Marvel's Agents of SHIELD!
The Flash has been a bit weird this season. Supposedly, Flash's origin story is tied up with the origin stories of all of the local supervillains, as well, which sort of confuses me. Marvel's origin stories are told and retold over and over again, but the origins of the rest of the DC heroes (besides superman and batman, of course) are virtual mysteries. Black Canary? No idea how she came about. Sure, maybe that's covered in The Arrow. But I don't watch that show. Barry Allen seems to be a teenager, working the CSI division of the police force. How a teen got to be the virtually ONLY member of the CSI team of a metropolitan police force, I have no idea, but there it is. So, weird.
Marvel's Agents of SHIELD is still one of the best shows on TV. Clark Gregg's boy-scout-like leadership of SHIELD, combined with his cunning ability to outsmart his vicious opponents, is always fun to watch. Occasional guest spots by secondary heroes and villains of the Marvel Universe spice up the show quite nicely, and the cast is attractive enough to be eye-candy when they aren't kicking ass. Sub-plots, plot twists, and betrayals abound, and it's nearly impossible to tell where the story is going from one moment to the next, because you're too busy enjoying the moment. I think there's only a few episodes left this season, but you know I'll be watching.
There's nothing on wednesday nights that I like to watch, so wednesdays are DVR catch-up nights. Thursdays has Backstrom.
Backstrom is a show produced by (and starring) Rainn Wilson. It's moderately funny, and has a good supporting cast. There's no monsters, sadly, nor superheroes, nor supervillains. I'm not sure how many more episodes are left this season, but it's been fairly humorous, if ultimately forgettable.
Fridays, of course, have Grimm. Ah, Grimm. My other favorite show on TV. Nick Burkhart is the Grimm, slayer (and protector) of Wesen. This season, all sorts of hell broke loose. Juliette, Nick's fiancee, has turned into a Hexenbeast, seemingly the archenemy of Grimms everywhere. And she's pretty pissed off about it, giving in to her Hexenbeast side, and enjoying the newfound power even as it corrupts her. Adelind, Nick's former nemesis, is now carrying his baby! :-o Crazy shit, eh? Yea. I was all like DUDE WTF! But, you know, honestly, she's tons hotter than Juliette, and I'm okay with her and Nick hooking up. Never did like Juliette, honestly. Too bitchy.
And last, but not least, Netflix has Daredevil. 13 episodes, all available right now. I been watching them the last week or so, and frankly, I think Netflix and Marvel did an awesome job on this one. I have no idea who the actor is who plays Murdock (Daredevil) or Nelson (Murdock's law partner), but they both do excellent jobs. The supporting cast, quite simply, is composed of Vincent D'onofrio, Deborah Anne Woll (True Blood) and Rosario Dawson. Pretty sure you know them, so I don't need to talk about the acting any further. The series is incredibly gritty. Daredevil is basically a blind human with heightened senses of hearing and smell, and has no other powers. So how does he go about beating the crap out of the entire cast of evildoers? Painfully so. There's parkour and boxing and general ass-kicking in abundance, and while I might not buy his face-off against the Ninja (I think it should have been more even, because I saw the ending coming from a mile away), there's still a fucking NINJA in the show. Can't really beat a Ninja. Or, as the Ninjas tell it, "only a Neenja can stop a Neenja." Including my horrible japanese impression, thank you very much. Other than that one lobsided fight, I found the whole series eminently watchable, and can't wait for next season to show up on netflix. Which, if netflix's other shows are any indication, won't be until maybe 2018 or maybe 2020. No nudity, but that's not really a downside, since Deborah Ann Woll and Rosario Dawson don't get a ton of screen time, so you'd be more likely to see the male cast naked. Which, hey, if that's your thing, great, but like I said, no nudity to speak of here, and pretty sure nobody wants to see Vincent D'onofrio naked. Maybe one day Marvel will embrace adult viewers in their comic book adaptations and show some female nudity, but for now, it looks like us geeks will have to stick to Friday the 13th remakes to fill our boob quotas.
Okay, that's all I got for this week, so far. Til next week, or the next time I find a good movie.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
Review - X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)
I've seen a lot of DC productions lately, and a lot of Marvel stuff. Personally, I prefer Marvel, mostly because of the variety. I've noticed, however, that Marvel superheroes seem to just fight it out with their powers, rather than fight with any degree of physical skill. On the flip side, DC superheroes seem to duke it out physically, completely disregarding any powers they might have. I'm not sure which is more realistic, but in the DC universe, Batman seems to be king. I don't know whether the guys who write DC are just trying to get the point across that a guy who is entirely human and uses gadgets to do most of his dirty work is better than a super-powerful shape-shifting incredibly brilliant alien with the ability to turn ethereal and read minds, like the Martian Manhunter, or a super-strong, incredibly durable alien with heat vision, cold breath and super-speed like Superman. Or, you know, any one of the other superhuman individuals that make up the Justice League. In any event, DC seems to have a love affair with Batman. I prefer the Marvel universe because they don't seem to have a bias. Sure, Iron-Man got three movies, and the avengers only have two so far. But Captain America got two movies, and the Hulk has had several, and so has Thor. Even the X-Men have a string of movies, but seriously, is Wolverine the only X-man who can get some love?
In X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014), the timeline jumps forward about 50 years to show you a bleak vision of the future. The Sentinels, or mutant-killer robots, have taken over the planet. The only humans or mutants still alive are those who are helping the shadowy leaders behind the swarms of Sentinel robots sweeping the globe, hunting for loose mutants. Of the X-men, there are only a few recognizable ones left. Iceman, Shadowcat, Wolverine, Colossus, Magneto and Professor X are the only surviving members of the original X-Men, and yes, I know, that's most of them anyway. There's no way to stop the Sentinels, and the X-men are fleeing from them at every turn. There's only one hope. To return to the past and stop the Sentinels from ever being built. There's only one problem. Only Wolverine can survive the journey.
If some of you are thinking, wait, I've heard this tale before. Sounds like the Terminator! DING you win a prize. Only this time, instead of the evil robots going back in time to stop John Connor, the John Connors are going back in time to stop the evil robots. So, they sort of flip-flopped it. And if you're saying, Wait, that sounds like Terminator 2, where they try to stop the evil machines from being created in the first place! Yes, you are correct again! And, you watch too much TV. Get out and get some sunshine once in awhile, you pasty-skinned fuck.
I'd like to say this was a good movie. I suppose it wasn't bad. There was a lot of mutant-on-mutant violence. Some people died, although I am sure no animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Except Nightcrawler. He's Missing In Action, and I presume, got stomped on by a Sentinel. So, there's that. Oh, and Wolverine, because, come on. He gets hurt every 10 minutes like clockwork. Pretty sure that's just his job. He's like the Tank in the party of adventurers. He soaks up the damage, and then someone sneaks around from the back and catches the bad guy unawares.
Speaking of Wolverine, let's just recap, shall we? In the first X-men movie, he fought Magneto to save Rogue. In the second X-men movie, he fought Jean Grey, to save, well, everyone. And in this movie, Wolverine fights everyone, to save the future. Oh, and let's not forget, I think he's had like, two movie of his own, too, right? There was X-Men Origins: Wolverine, where they explain what happened with him and his brother Sabretooth, and how he lost his memories. And there was just plain Wolverine, where he goes to Japan and fight an adamantium Samurai. Were there more? I don't even recall. How many movies does Storm have? Zero. Professor X? None. And don't count X:men, the first Class, because that was an x-men origin story. It pretty much covers the beginning of the X-men, and was a pretty sucky origin story, as those go. Does Cyclops have his own movie? Iceman? Rogue? No. Certainly Colossus, the big russian who can turn himself into organic steel, has his own movie, right? Nope! Is Hugh Jackman actually producing these movies? All five of them? Or is Wolverine just the only X-man who can get shit done?
Let's recap what I like about this movie, before I get to what I don't like. Well, I didn't notice any glaring plot holes. When there's time travel involved, usually there's a shit-ton of plot holes, but let's take a closer look at it. Supposedly, according to this method of time-travel, the changes Wolverine is making in the past, don't actually take effect until he wakes up. With that in mind, we don't actually see the effect of Wolverine's ham-handed efforts to change the past until the end of the movie. Okay, I guess if you're going to make that proviso as part of Shadowcat's time-travel power, fine. Of course, there's one small problem. There's actually three timelines involved, not just two. First off, you have the bleak-future-Wolverine returning to the 1970's timeline to make the appropriate changes, and somehow stop the Sentinels from ever being made. So that's two timelines. Presumably, once Wolverine has finished fixing the past to save the future, he returns to the future and we see the changes he has put into effect. Instead, what happens is, the future Wolverine becomes the present Wolverine, and we're more at present-day 2015 technology than future-technology. So that's never explained at all, he just sort of slips into the middle of the two timelines as if he's making a timeline sandwich and he's the peanut butter. Ew. That's an awful comparison, and I'm sorry I thought of it. Moving on.
The acting wasn't bad. It's a superhero movie, so you don't expect these people to be getting oscar nominations. There was stuff blowing up, stuff flying through the air, future tech, past tech, genius dwarves and killer robots. The CGI was pretty decent. A lot of stuff happened in the movie. It wasn't just, go back, do the dirty, and BAM everything is hunky-dory again. In case you have never seen a time travel movie, it's never that easy. Something always goes wrong, which is why I am never going to time travel. Bad shit happens. Hell, I can barely get through Daylight Savings time changing my clocks twice a year. There was some weird scene at the end of the movie that made absolutely no sense to me, that I almost missed. I know they do short scenes at the ends of the iron man and avengers and even one of the Hulk movies, but I didn't expect a scene at the end of an X-man movie, and I totally didn't get it when I saw it, either. I won't reveal it, because I have no freakin idea what it means yet. I am sure, at some point in the future, some X-man movie will explain it to me. I eagerly await that day. I hate loose ends.
Now the bad stuff! There's not really any villain in this movie. Sure, there's killer robots. They are doing what they are programmed to do. Yes, they're violent, deadly, unstoppable, and terrifying. But there's no character there. It's like getting your ass beaten at chess by a machine. It means nothing to you. Of course you're going to get beaten by a machine, because a machine only makes mistakes if it's badly programmed. The whole point of chess is to either make your opponent make a mistake, or wait for him to make a mistake and take advantage of it. The human element comes into play. There's no human element when it comes to machines, so it's a foregone conclusion that they will win. Which, also makes the movie rather boring. You know the X-Men are going to have to cheat by changing the past to win, and the cheat's going to have to work. Otherwise, everyone dies and that's a horrible ending to any movie. Unless it was a romantic comedy, in which case, that ending is fucking hilarious.
Magneto tries to be the villain here, too, because that's pretty much Magneto's job, but nobody wants that after three movies where Magneto's the bad guy. Sure, he has a fucked-up name. Erik Lehnsherr. Sure, I can add a bunch of H's to my name and sound like a villain, too, but I don't. Let's toss some more in. Ehrhikh Lhenshehrrh. Now he sounds like a villain from Guardians of the galaxy. I'd be pissed if someone filled my name with silent H's, too, but can't he just get over it and say "You know what, Charles? Fuck it, let's just try it your way for a change, so I can be around when shit goes wrong, and I can say 'I told you so!" Why does he have to be such a grumpy ass bitch all the time? Take some damn Xanax or Prozac or something.
You can't even really hate Trask, the dwarf inventor who created the Sentinels. He's played by peter Dinklage, the same guy who plays Tyrion Lannister in game of thrones (which started a new season on HBO again tonight, by the way). Look, I don't care how good an actor Peter Dinklage is. You can't put him in the role of a villain and expect people to hate him. He's making the sentinels because he perceives Mutants to be a threat to all homo sapiens, and he's pretty much right. Just like the neaderthals disappeared when the current version of humanity evolved, so too will the current version of humanity disappear if something like the X-Men ever comes about. Excepting, of course, that the most current theories actually propose the idea that the neanderthals just interbred with modern-day humans, and passed on their DNA to us. So technically, there was never a fight, and we never actually killed off the neanderthals. They are us. Or at least, they are football players with a unibrow. So, close enough. Personally, I like the idea of interbreeding with some of the X-men. Storm's pretty hot, and I got a thing for both Rogue and Shadowcat.
Speaking of hot mutants, wtf is up with Mystique? Is she not like one of the hottest badasses in the history of mutant-ness? I mean, let's recap. She can be anyone you ever wanted, she ages slowly like wolverine, she's a sneaky James-Bond type spy who can get into anywhere, get out of anything, and has absolutely no fear of being caught. And what happens the one time she IS caught? They use her mutant DNA to make mutant-killer robots who are unstoppable and can adapt to any mutant power out there. Yes, that's alotta mutants. Oh, and one more thing. That blue spiky stuff she's wearing? That's her skin. Yes, it can change into just about anything she wants to, and mimic any natural fibers and assume anyone's shape. But when she's in a fight, she reverts to her usual blue-skinned form. You know what that means? She's naked. All the time. Sure, she LOOKS like she has clothes on when she's assuming someone else's appearance, but she really doesn't. So, she's just walking around butt-ass-nekkid all the time. And she doesn't even try to fake clothes while she's in a fight unless she's fucking with your head. She just resumes her normal appearance, and fights naked. And still kicks ass. Wolverine's, Magneto's, Xavier's, Storm's, yep, pretty much everyone's asses. That's just goddamn hot, if you ask me. You ever fought a naked chick before? Just surrender, kiss the angry bitch, and make love, not war.
Something else I noticed, that is a definite improvement. I originally wasn't fond of the idea of Jennifer Lawrence replacing Rebecca Romaine-Lettuce, when I first watched X-men,: First Class. Frankly, I think Rebecca is hotter, and she seemed to look more, I don't know, athletic, back in the first couple X-man movies. Like a killer mutant chick should, you know? However, Jennifer Lawrence seems to have grown into the role. It doesn't show so much when she's in a fight (too much CGI perhaps, or maybe they use a different skin-tight blue suit, or a stunt double), but if you watch when Mystique is just walking around, Jennifer's body fills out that blue skin-suit quite nicely. Her curves just seem to bounce attractively in all the right places, you know what I mean? I think you do. Sure, maybe she's got a bigger butt than Rebecca, but what the hell. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, or whatever the hell old-ass expression fits in here.
So, to sum up, watch X-Men, days of future past, mostly for Mystique. There's some killer robots that look pretty awesome, and watch it if you like peter Dinklage, or if you want to see Wolverine survive yet another thing that would kill anyone else. Yes, we get it. He heals. It's awesome. It's his mutant power. It's his job. It's what he does. It's all he does. Now focus on another goddamned mutant, okay? And realize, Mystique gets into and out of more bad situations than Wolverine, and she doesn't even have mutant healing powers. She just doesn't friggin stand there and take the hit! She moves out the way, like any smart person would. Honestly, I think she should take on the Hulk next. Really piss him off, fight him as Betty Ross or something. The Hulk would have absolutely no clue what to do. He'd start throwing buildings into space just out of anger, and then beat the crap out of Thor. Just because.
So, there's one funny part that I'm going to mention, and it came during the rolling credits. It's not really anything you can see, but think on this while you watch the movie. So it's 2:20 in the morning, and I've just finished watching Days of Future Past. I think, 'man, that movie seemed to take forever, I wonder how long it was?' and like any person with ADD, instead of checking the time, I get distracted by the fact that it says there was nudity in the movie. And I'm like 'Nudity? Wtf? I don't recall any nudity...' So I think back, mentally reviewing the movie in my head. Nope, didn't recall actually seeing Jennifer Lawrence's breasts. Or anyone else's for that matter. So I'm searching my brain for anything that might have been some fleeting vision of nudity, and my mind returns to the first moment that Wolverine returns to the past. He wakes up with a girl in a bed, and I'm trying to remember if there was any actual nudity on the girl's part or not. Not entirely because I am a perv (which I am), but mainly because if they said there was nudity in it, and I somehow missed it, then how am I supposed to mention it to my readers? That's right. I only stare at women's naked bodies for your benefit. I'm doing it for you! And that's when I recall Logan getting out of bed, and I saw Hugh Jackman's ass. Which is when I cracked up laughing at 2;20 am, because that's not quite the nudity I was looking for! And now I've made a pun. CRACKed up, laughing, about seeing a butt. Sigh. I know. Humor is one of my many gifts, and I share them with the world. I make joke, you laugh, as some crazy russian guy said.
That's all for this week. Tomorrow's supposed to be nice and warm, and I already have yard-work planned. Wheee. Should be fun with my gimp-hand, which still isn't quite healed. Damn masturbation accidents can really sideline your single lovelife, you know? Oh well. Catch you guys next time.
In X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014), the timeline jumps forward about 50 years to show you a bleak vision of the future. The Sentinels, or mutant-killer robots, have taken over the planet. The only humans or mutants still alive are those who are helping the shadowy leaders behind the swarms of Sentinel robots sweeping the globe, hunting for loose mutants. Of the X-men, there are only a few recognizable ones left. Iceman, Shadowcat, Wolverine, Colossus, Magneto and Professor X are the only surviving members of the original X-Men, and yes, I know, that's most of them anyway. There's no way to stop the Sentinels, and the X-men are fleeing from them at every turn. There's only one hope. To return to the past and stop the Sentinels from ever being built. There's only one problem. Only Wolverine can survive the journey.
If some of you are thinking, wait, I've heard this tale before. Sounds like the Terminator! DING you win a prize. Only this time, instead of the evil robots going back in time to stop John Connor, the John Connors are going back in time to stop the evil robots. So, they sort of flip-flopped it. And if you're saying, Wait, that sounds like Terminator 2, where they try to stop the evil machines from being created in the first place! Yes, you are correct again! And, you watch too much TV. Get out and get some sunshine once in awhile, you pasty-skinned fuck.
I'd like to say this was a good movie. I suppose it wasn't bad. There was a lot of mutant-on-mutant violence. Some people died, although I am sure no animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Except Nightcrawler. He's Missing In Action, and I presume, got stomped on by a Sentinel. So, there's that. Oh, and Wolverine, because, come on. He gets hurt every 10 minutes like clockwork. Pretty sure that's just his job. He's like the Tank in the party of adventurers. He soaks up the damage, and then someone sneaks around from the back and catches the bad guy unawares.
Speaking of Wolverine, let's just recap, shall we? In the first X-men movie, he fought Magneto to save Rogue. In the second X-men movie, he fought Jean Grey, to save, well, everyone. And in this movie, Wolverine fights everyone, to save the future. Oh, and let's not forget, I think he's had like, two movie of his own, too, right? There was X-Men Origins: Wolverine, where they explain what happened with him and his brother Sabretooth, and how he lost his memories. And there was just plain Wolverine, where he goes to Japan and fight an adamantium Samurai. Were there more? I don't even recall. How many movies does Storm have? Zero. Professor X? None. And don't count X:men, the first Class, because that was an x-men origin story. It pretty much covers the beginning of the X-men, and was a pretty sucky origin story, as those go. Does Cyclops have his own movie? Iceman? Rogue? No. Certainly Colossus, the big russian who can turn himself into organic steel, has his own movie, right? Nope! Is Hugh Jackman actually producing these movies? All five of them? Or is Wolverine just the only X-man who can get shit done?
Let's recap what I like about this movie, before I get to what I don't like. Well, I didn't notice any glaring plot holes. When there's time travel involved, usually there's a shit-ton of plot holes, but let's take a closer look at it. Supposedly, according to this method of time-travel, the changes Wolverine is making in the past, don't actually take effect until he wakes up. With that in mind, we don't actually see the effect of Wolverine's ham-handed efforts to change the past until the end of the movie. Okay, I guess if you're going to make that proviso as part of Shadowcat's time-travel power, fine. Of course, there's one small problem. There's actually three timelines involved, not just two. First off, you have the bleak-future-Wolverine returning to the 1970's timeline to make the appropriate changes, and somehow stop the Sentinels from ever being made. So that's two timelines. Presumably, once Wolverine has finished fixing the past to save the future, he returns to the future and we see the changes he has put into effect. Instead, what happens is, the future Wolverine becomes the present Wolverine, and we're more at present-day 2015 technology than future-technology. So that's never explained at all, he just sort of slips into the middle of the two timelines as if he's making a timeline sandwich and he's the peanut butter. Ew. That's an awful comparison, and I'm sorry I thought of it. Moving on.
The acting wasn't bad. It's a superhero movie, so you don't expect these people to be getting oscar nominations. There was stuff blowing up, stuff flying through the air, future tech, past tech, genius dwarves and killer robots. The CGI was pretty decent. A lot of stuff happened in the movie. It wasn't just, go back, do the dirty, and BAM everything is hunky-dory again. In case you have never seen a time travel movie, it's never that easy. Something always goes wrong, which is why I am never going to time travel. Bad shit happens. Hell, I can barely get through Daylight Savings time changing my clocks twice a year. There was some weird scene at the end of the movie that made absolutely no sense to me, that I almost missed. I know they do short scenes at the ends of the iron man and avengers and even one of the Hulk movies, but I didn't expect a scene at the end of an X-man movie, and I totally didn't get it when I saw it, either. I won't reveal it, because I have no freakin idea what it means yet. I am sure, at some point in the future, some X-man movie will explain it to me. I eagerly await that day. I hate loose ends.
Now the bad stuff! There's not really any villain in this movie. Sure, there's killer robots. They are doing what they are programmed to do. Yes, they're violent, deadly, unstoppable, and terrifying. But there's no character there. It's like getting your ass beaten at chess by a machine. It means nothing to you. Of course you're going to get beaten by a machine, because a machine only makes mistakes if it's badly programmed. The whole point of chess is to either make your opponent make a mistake, or wait for him to make a mistake and take advantage of it. The human element comes into play. There's no human element when it comes to machines, so it's a foregone conclusion that they will win. Which, also makes the movie rather boring. You know the X-Men are going to have to cheat by changing the past to win, and the cheat's going to have to work. Otherwise, everyone dies and that's a horrible ending to any movie. Unless it was a romantic comedy, in which case, that ending is fucking hilarious.
Magneto tries to be the villain here, too, because that's pretty much Magneto's job, but nobody wants that after three movies where Magneto's the bad guy. Sure, he has a fucked-up name. Erik Lehnsherr. Sure, I can add a bunch of H's to my name and sound like a villain, too, but I don't. Let's toss some more in. Ehrhikh Lhenshehrrh. Now he sounds like a villain from Guardians of the galaxy. I'd be pissed if someone filled my name with silent H's, too, but can't he just get over it and say "You know what, Charles? Fuck it, let's just try it your way for a change, so I can be around when shit goes wrong, and I can say 'I told you so!" Why does he have to be such a grumpy ass bitch all the time? Take some damn Xanax or Prozac or something.
You can't even really hate Trask, the dwarf inventor who created the Sentinels. He's played by peter Dinklage, the same guy who plays Tyrion Lannister in game of thrones (which started a new season on HBO again tonight, by the way). Look, I don't care how good an actor Peter Dinklage is. You can't put him in the role of a villain and expect people to hate him. He's making the sentinels because he perceives Mutants to be a threat to all homo sapiens, and he's pretty much right. Just like the neaderthals disappeared when the current version of humanity evolved, so too will the current version of humanity disappear if something like the X-Men ever comes about. Excepting, of course, that the most current theories actually propose the idea that the neanderthals just interbred with modern-day humans, and passed on their DNA to us. So technically, there was never a fight, and we never actually killed off the neanderthals. They are us. Or at least, they are football players with a unibrow. So, close enough. Personally, I like the idea of interbreeding with some of the X-men. Storm's pretty hot, and I got a thing for both Rogue and Shadowcat.
Speaking of hot mutants, wtf is up with Mystique? Is she not like one of the hottest badasses in the history of mutant-ness? I mean, let's recap. She can be anyone you ever wanted, she ages slowly like wolverine, she's a sneaky James-Bond type spy who can get into anywhere, get out of anything, and has absolutely no fear of being caught. And what happens the one time she IS caught? They use her mutant DNA to make mutant-killer robots who are unstoppable and can adapt to any mutant power out there. Yes, that's alotta mutants. Oh, and one more thing. That blue spiky stuff she's wearing? That's her skin. Yes, it can change into just about anything she wants to, and mimic any natural fibers and assume anyone's shape. But when she's in a fight, she reverts to her usual blue-skinned form. You know what that means? She's naked. All the time. Sure, she LOOKS like she has clothes on when she's assuming someone else's appearance, but she really doesn't. So, she's just walking around butt-ass-nekkid all the time. And she doesn't even try to fake clothes while she's in a fight unless she's fucking with your head. She just resumes her normal appearance, and fights naked. And still kicks ass. Wolverine's, Magneto's, Xavier's, Storm's, yep, pretty much everyone's asses. That's just goddamn hot, if you ask me. You ever fought a naked chick before? Just surrender, kiss the angry bitch, and make love, not war.
Something else I noticed, that is a definite improvement. I originally wasn't fond of the idea of Jennifer Lawrence replacing Rebecca Romaine-Lettuce, when I first watched X-men,: First Class. Frankly, I think Rebecca is hotter, and she seemed to look more, I don't know, athletic, back in the first couple X-man movies. Like a killer mutant chick should, you know? However, Jennifer Lawrence seems to have grown into the role. It doesn't show so much when she's in a fight (too much CGI perhaps, or maybe they use a different skin-tight blue suit, or a stunt double), but if you watch when Mystique is just walking around, Jennifer's body fills out that blue skin-suit quite nicely. Her curves just seem to bounce attractively in all the right places, you know what I mean? I think you do. Sure, maybe she's got a bigger butt than Rebecca, but what the hell. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, or whatever the hell old-ass expression fits in here.
So, to sum up, watch X-Men, days of future past, mostly for Mystique. There's some killer robots that look pretty awesome, and watch it if you like peter Dinklage, or if you want to see Wolverine survive yet another thing that would kill anyone else. Yes, we get it. He heals. It's awesome. It's his mutant power. It's his job. It's what he does. It's all he does. Now focus on another goddamned mutant, okay? And realize, Mystique gets into and out of more bad situations than Wolverine, and she doesn't even have mutant healing powers. She just doesn't friggin stand there and take the hit! She moves out the way, like any smart person would. Honestly, I think she should take on the Hulk next. Really piss him off, fight him as Betty Ross or something. The Hulk would have absolutely no clue what to do. He'd start throwing buildings into space just out of anger, and then beat the crap out of Thor. Just because.
So, there's one funny part that I'm going to mention, and it came during the rolling credits. It's not really anything you can see, but think on this while you watch the movie. So it's 2:20 in the morning, and I've just finished watching Days of Future Past. I think, 'man, that movie seemed to take forever, I wonder how long it was?' and like any person with ADD, instead of checking the time, I get distracted by the fact that it says there was nudity in the movie. And I'm like 'Nudity? Wtf? I don't recall any nudity...' So I think back, mentally reviewing the movie in my head. Nope, didn't recall actually seeing Jennifer Lawrence's breasts. Or anyone else's for that matter. So I'm searching my brain for anything that might have been some fleeting vision of nudity, and my mind returns to the first moment that Wolverine returns to the past. He wakes up with a girl in a bed, and I'm trying to remember if there was any actual nudity on the girl's part or not. Not entirely because I am a perv (which I am), but mainly because if they said there was nudity in it, and I somehow missed it, then how am I supposed to mention it to my readers? That's right. I only stare at women's naked bodies for your benefit. I'm doing it for you! And that's when I recall Logan getting out of bed, and I saw Hugh Jackman's ass. Which is when I cracked up laughing at 2;20 am, because that's not quite the nudity I was looking for! And now I've made a pun. CRACKed up, laughing, about seeing a butt. Sigh. I know. Humor is one of my many gifts, and I share them with the world. I make joke, you laugh, as some crazy russian guy said.
That's all for this week. Tomorrow's supposed to be nice and warm, and I already have yard-work planned. Wheee. Should be fun with my gimp-hand, which still isn't quite healed. Damn masturbation accidents can really sideline your single lovelife, you know? Oh well. Catch you guys next time.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Easter Review - Nightbreed (1990) The Director's Cut
I was hoping to find a better movie to review today, I admit it. Perhaps something with giant killer zombie easter bunnies. I'm sure such a movie exists. I probably watched it back in the 80's. However, I decided to watch Nightbreed instead. Mostly because searching Netflix for "giant killer zombie easter bunnies" didn't bring up any matches. Sadly.
I saw Nightbreed (1990) years ago. Essentially, it's the story of a young man with mental issues who believes he's been going around slaughtering whole families. The man has a girlfriend, who doesn't believe he could possibly be a killer, though his psychiatrist is convinced of it. However, the man himself has little proof of this. He can't remember having killed anyone, despite his psychiatrist telling him that he has. All this young man, named Aaron Boone, can remember is his dreams. They're strange dreams, dreams of an old cemetery called Midian, a place forgotten by men... the place where the monsters live.
Netflix has the director's cut version of this movie, which, according to all the sources I can find, is closer to Clive Barker's vision, and the source material. Clive barker, of course, is the one who wrote the source material, the book upon which the movie is based. So, here's the thing. I don't like the director's cut version, as much as I liked the theatrical release.
Without comparing the two versions yet, let me give you a brief rundown of what I liked about Nightbreed. Firstly, there's a lot of monsters in it. Like one of them tells Boone, "God is an astronaut, oz is over the rainbow, and Midian is where the monsters dwell." There's a shit-ton of monsters in Midian, so many they defy description, history, and classification. As a former biologist and anthropologist, I'd wander Midian just trying to classify which 'Tribes of the Moon' each monster belonged to, their history, and how they ended up there. Of course, half of them would probably eat me, but that's not the point. I love fictional monsters, and trying to figure out their taxonomy and ecological niche is half the fun of seeing them. Secondly, there's midian itself. An old graveyard, full of crypts, mausoleums and graves, all fancifully decorated with carved statuary, and not a town anywhere nearby. That interests the Archaeologist in me (and yes, I have some training in archaeology, as well). So much history in one place! Exciting stuff, if you're me, or a professor of archaeology, or a biologist, or just the generally curious sort.
The acting talent is pretty decent. You've got Craig Sheffer playing Boone, who is essentially the main character. The last time I saw Craig was in Dracula 2, where he played a wheelchair-bound man in search of a vampiric cure for his affliction. David Cronenberg, who is more famous for his directing talents, seems suitably chilling in his role as Dr. Decker, Boone's psychiatrist. Hugh Quarshie plays an FBI agent, and Doug Bradley, of Hellraiser fame, plays Lylseburg, the leader of the monsters of Midian. I'd have to say the acting in this movie was pretty effective. The relationship between Boone and his psychiatrist changes as the movie goes along, and Decker's chilling transformation (I'm being purposely vague here) is pivotal to the whole movie. I know nobody's ever going to win an oscar for this movie, but maybe they should have.
The story flows along pretty well. You've got a brief background on Boone, a short interlude while he figures out where midian is, and then the chase begins. Boone tries to find midian, and decker follows Boone, and the authorities are close behind. There's a fair amount of blood and monsters from the beginning right up til the end, with the end being so monster heavy that if it was a woman with breast enhancements, she'd have toppled over. The special effects are good. There's none of that CGI crap here, this is all old-school monster making, with make-up and prosthetics and body paint on some of the more humanoid monsters. Sure, a little body paint isn't exactly scary, but it's the background that matters. Most of the monsters are there for background, not necessarily a main part of the story. But there is even a bit of nudity, which always makes a monster movie better, in my opinion.
Now let's get down to the nuts and bolts of it. Despite the added scenes, the extra footage, and the more accurate retelling of Clive Barker's artistic vision, the two movies are not overtly different from each other except at the end. And frankly, I like the ending of the theatrical release better. I'm not sure where you might catch the original theatrical release, since Netflix only has the director's cut, but honestly, the way the director's cut went was just... bleh. The theatrical release has more pop, if you know what I mean, and I like the opening for a sequel much better than the director's cut version.
So, to sum up, I don't recommend the director's cut version of Nightbreed, but the original one instead. If you really MUST see Clive Barker's vision rendered in extra footage, with a different ending, then watch it. If not, skip it and find the original 1990 release. Watch that instead.
In other news, I'm 45 years old! Yea, ancient, innit? Maybe a hundred years from now, some cyber-archaeologist will be digging through the remains of the internet, come across my blog, and write a paper about what a rambling nutcase I was! Wouldn't that be something? :-D
I hope everyone enjoyed Zombie Jesus' birthday. That's all for this week! Hope to find something much more enjoyable for next weekend.
I saw Nightbreed (1990) years ago. Essentially, it's the story of a young man with mental issues who believes he's been going around slaughtering whole families. The man has a girlfriend, who doesn't believe he could possibly be a killer, though his psychiatrist is convinced of it. However, the man himself has little proof of this. He can't remember having killed anyone, despite his psychiatrist telling him that he has. All this young man, named Aaron Boone, can remember is his dreams. They're strange dreams, dreams of an old cemetery called Midian, a place forgotten by men... the place where the monsters live.
Netflix has the director's cut version of this movie, which, according to all the sources I can find, is closer to Clive Barker's vision, and the source material. Clive barker, of course, is the one who wrote the source material, the book upon which the movie is based. So, here's the thing. I don't like the director's cut version, as much as I liked the theatrical release.
Without comparing the two versions yet, let me give you a brief rundown of what I liked about Nightbreed. Firstly, there's a lot of monsters in it. Like one of them tells Boone, "God is an astronaut, oz is over the rainbow, and Midian is where the monsters dwell." There's a shit-ton of monsters in Midian, so many they defy description, history, and classification. As a former biologist and anthropologist, I'd wander Midian just trying to classify which 'Tribes of the Moon' each monster belonged to, their history, and how they ended up there. Of course, half of them would probably eat me, but that's not the point. I love fictional monsters, and trying to figure out their taxonomy and ecological niche is half the fun of seeing them. Secondly, there's midian itself. An old graveyard, full of crypts, mausoleums and graves, all fancifully decorated with carved statuary, and not a town anywhere nearby. That interests the Archaeologist in me (and yes, I have some training in archaeology, as well). So much history in one place! Exciting stuff, if you're me, or a professor of archaeology, or a biologist, or just the generally curious sort.
The acting talent is pretty decent. You've got Craig Sheffer playing Boone, who is essentially the main character. The last time I saw Craig was in Dracula 2, where he played a wheelchair-bound man in search of a vampiric cure for his affliction. David Cronenberg, who is more famous for his directing talents, seems suitably chilling in his role as Dr. Decker, Boone's psychiatrist. Hugh Quarshie plays an FBI agent, and Doug Bradley, of Hellraiser fame, plays Lylseburg, the leader of the monsters of Midian. I'd have to say the acting in this movie was pretty effective. The relationship between Boone and his psychiatrist changes as the movie goes along, and Decker's chilling transformation (I'm being purposely vague here) is pivotal to the whole movie. I know nobody's ever going to win an oscar for this movie, but maybe they should have.
The story flows along pretty well. You've got a brief background on Boone, a short interlude while he figures out where midian is, and then the chase begins. Boone tries to find midian, and decker follows Boone, and the authorities are close behind. There's a fair amount of blood and monsters from the beginning right up til the end, with the end being so monster heavy that if it was a woman with breast enhancements, she'd have toppled over. The special effects are good. There's none of that CGI crap here, this is all old-school monster making, with make-up and prosthetics and body paint on some of the more humanoid monsters. Sure, a little body paint isn't exactly scary, but it's the background that matters. Most of the monsters are there for background, not necessarily a main part of the story. But there is even a bit of nudity, which always makes a monster movie better, in my opinion.
Now let's get down to the nuts and bolts of it. Despite the added scenes, the extra footage, and the more accurate retelling of Clive Barker's artistic vision, the two movies are not overtly different from each other except at the end. And frankly, I like the ending of the theatrical release better. I'm not sure where you might catch the original theatrical release, since Netflix only has the director's cut, but honestly, the way the director's cut went was just... bleh. The theatrical release has more pop, if you know what I mean, and I like the opening for a sequel much better than the director's cut version.
So, to sum up, I don't recommend the director's cut version of Nightbreed, but the original one instead. If you really MUST see Clive Barker's vision rendered in extra footage, with a different ending, then watch it. If not, skip it and find the original 1990 release. Watch that instead.
In other news, I'm 45 years old! Yea, ancient, innit? Maybe a hundred years from now, some cyber-archaeologist will be digging through the remains of the internet, come across my blog, and write a paper about what a rambling nutcase I was! Wouldn't that be something? :-D
I hope everyone enjoyed Zombie Jesus' birthday. That's all for this week! Hope to find something much more enjoyable for next weekend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)