Look, I know it's Easter.
I know all you kiddies out there in internetland are looking forward to your chocolates and your candies and your peeps. But I just wanted to warn you about something you need to be on the lookout for.
Back when I was a kid, my grandmother used to regale me with tales about The Neeb. What's the Neeb, you ask? Well, it's a bit of an acronym. See, the story goes that, back in the days when the Easter Bunny was as popular as Santa Claus, guys used to dress up in Bunny suits at the mall, and kids used to sit on their laps to get their picture taken. Now, if you've ever been to the mall around Christmastime, you know it's not all fun and games. There's kids crying, and little brats yanking on Santa's beard, and well, you know. Shit gets out of hand.
So there was this one guy. Bit of a chubster. Had his grungy old rabbit costume on, and was pretty much worse off than Bad Santa, you remember that movie? Well, this old guy was just tired of the shit. Burnt out on the job, stressed out, drunk as a skunk from the time he sat down in the chair til the time he staggered home. Having to deal with the kids didn't help much. He was fat, he was sweaty, he smelled bad, and worst of all, he stole the kid's candy with his paw-gloved hands while they sat on his lap to get their picture taken. See, Neeb is short for Big Fat Sweaty Non-Eastery Easter Bunny. BFSNEEB. Or, just Neeb, as he came to be called by the kids.
"Going back to sit on the Neeb's lap this year, Timmy?" "Yea, Chazz. Parents make me go every year."
Children dreaded their meeting with the Neeb. Sure, the fat and fluffy bunny costume made his lap nice and soft to sit on. But the Neeb, well... he talked to himself. Some of the kids say he just mumbled about having to have kids sitting on his lap all day, but others say he whispered things. Evil things. Things that scared the little kids. Which, when you think about it, really isn't a bad thing. As long as kids are scared, they behave. But, he also stole their candy when they weren't looking. You'd think it would be hard for a drunk man with giant fluffy paw-gloves over his hands to sneak candy into a mouth covered by a giant old bunny head costume. But he managed it. He was sneaky, like a NINJA.
"Chazz, I'm never going to see the Neeb again! He stole my chocolate!" "Yea he 'Neebed' my whole basket last year, Timmy." "The bastard!"
The Old Neeb eventually got beaten up by a mob of angry kids and eventually fired. I'm pretty sure it was in the news. In his drunken rage, he vowed vengeance on all those that he thought had wronged him, from the managers at the local mall, to the parents who brought their kids to stink up his bunny costume year after year. Even little Cindy Jo McCoy, who was so scared by the Neeb that she lost control of her bodily functions and peed on his lucky rabbit's foot. He happened to be wearing it at the time. Neeb vowed vengeance on them all.
By the time I was a kid, the Old Neeb was just a legend. My grandmother used to say that he lurked around kids' Easter baskets, haunting the fields of the bunnies in springtime. Candy and chocolates hidden for the children would mysteriously disappear, year after year. Sightings were rare, but the kids claimed to still see him, now and then. The bright once-pink costume was now a dank mass of muddy grey and brown. The once-long and upright ears were now bent, and one hung limply to the side. The alert children who managed to spot him making off with their baskets said he still whispered, but the incomprehensible ravings of a madman were the only things that came out of his buck-toothed head mask.
Sure, some of you may scoff at the idea of a lunatic Easter Bunny, but there's precedent. Look at that movie where the airplane part falls on that guy's house. He sees a giant 6 foot rabbit with wonky eyes all through that movie, doesn't he? And there's Monty Python! The Holy Grail. You know, the Rabbit! With the HUGE POINTY FANGS! I bet Old Neeb is his great great, great great great, great great great great great great grandson, on his cousin's sister-in-law's side. I went to geneaology.com and looked it up myself. There's a blood connection. The DNA came straight from Attila the Ear, like many rabbits today. They say 5% of all rabbits are descended from him.
I saw him myself, once. It was on Easter, too, now that I think of it. I happened to be in the bathroom, looking for my Easter basket, and I caught sight of his horrid, twisted form. Scraggly grey fur hung from him in ragged strips. The rabbit costume had long since become a wicked mass of stinking alcohol fumes and a lifetime of failed attempts at masturbation. I guess it's just difficult to pleasure yourself while wearing a rabbit costume. Or to get dates, for that matter. Unless you're a Furry. Old Neeb was hunched over, sniffing around. He seemed to be searching for something. Probably my Easter basket, which luckily wasn't hidden in the bathroom that year. I turned my head, to call out "MOMMY MOMMY HELP IT'S NEEB! IT'S NEEEEEB!" But he was gone, and she thought I was nuts. I'll never forget the sight of him. I still have nightmares, where I wet myself much like Cindy Jo.
Um. But I've uh... since grown out of those. Not since I was in my early 40's.
My grandmother has long since passed away, but I think the Old Neeb is still prowling about on the muddy green fields of spring. I bet he's still looking for hidden baskets, his giant paws stained with the chocolate of his many victims. So watch where your parents hide your candy, kids. Keep your eyes open for the Neeb. You never know when he'll strike. Whether you know him as the Neebinator, the Chunky Neebster, or Old Neeb, he sits at the crossroads of springtime, wherever that may be. Just laying in wait for unwary kids with baskets full of candy. I'm an adult, and I still fear the Neeb. I think there was a song, too, went something like...
"Here comes the Old Neebinator, hopping down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity back on Easter Day..."
I get chills down my spine whenever I hear that song. To this day. The thought of him coming back, every Easter, from wherever he goes... I guess that fluffy costume keeps him warm during the winter or something, but dammit, when springtime comes, he must HUNGER for that chocolate. I sure as shit wouldn't want him after my basket. He must ride the sugar rush all summer long, then lapse into a diabetic coma all through winter, then rise up once more in the spring, every spring. Searching for hidden baskets, hidden candy. Christpopsicles. I think I just wet myself.
Just a warning, kids. Beware the Neeb. Fear him. Fear the Neeb. FEAR THE NEEB.
Just a whispered warning.
Just a whisper.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Old Movie Review - Shaolin Mantis
I honestly can't tell you when this one was made.
Like many of the old martial arts flicks from the 70's and 80's, when only the asians were making them, I simply cannot find this movie title on IMDB.com. It's probably called something else, and Shaolin mantis was only the rough translation, but either way, I have no idea what the proper name for this film was. I'm guessing from the style that it was made in the late 70's or early 80's, and i saw it on El Rey network, which has a love affair with the early martial arts flicks. That's right, I #RideWithElRey. And I don't even have a twitter account. That's right. Why? because how the HELL do I squeeze a movie review into 140 characters or whatever the limit is? Duh. Shit, some of my titles are longer than 140 characters.
Now before I get into Shaolin Mantis, let me talk about the El Rey network. I like it. That have commercials, but they show nudity. They have sports events, but also martial arts flicks and grindhouse films on friday nights, when all good geeks stay home and flog the bishop. I mean, their martial arts double features are on thursdays, and they call them "Flying Five-Finger One-Armed Eight-Pole Shaolin Exploding Death Touch Thursdays." I had to memorize the sequence of words several times just to make sure I could say it right. God knows how many takes it took for the announcer to spew it so eloquently on command on the advertisements for it. I can barely type it out correctly, let alone say it. If that doesn't drag your kung-fu ass in to check out the network, I don't know what will. Plus, I hear Godzilla rides with El Rey. Though I haven't seen him. AND they have a series based on the movie Dusk til Dawn. Yea, vampires and shit. Not those sparkly-ass ones, either. Snake-wearing, large-breasted, tequila-swilling mexican vampires. Damn skippy.
On to the movie review. Shaolin Mantis is probably the most mis-named martial Arts movie I have ever seen. Let's sum up the movie, and since the movie is like 30 years old, don't even bother with the spoilers. You'll never see the damn thing anyway if you haven't already. First off, there are no Shaolin in the movie. No priests, no monks, no temples, no Kwai Chang Caine, not even Michael Caine. Nobody in this movie was even trained at a shaolin temple. How Shaolin got into the title is an interesting story. Or it probably would be, if I knew the story. But I don't. Supposedly the movie is a "showcase" of the mantis style. I'm not really sure how that could be sine the style only pops up in the last 20 minutes.
Enter our hero, the plucky son of a chinese official who has failed to uncover this one family's involvement in the rebellion. His father disgraced, Hung Long Wang (I'm guessing here, that's not really his name, or at least, i don't think it is, and I apologize in advance to any asian readers for picking on their much more colorful and ancient heritage) agrees to uncover the leaders of the rebellion on behalf of his father. The local chinese magistrate is so upset at Hung's father's performance that he gives Hung 3 months to find out what's going on. At the end of that time, Hung's father will be stripped of his imperial title and office. After 6 months, Hung's family estate and wealth will be seized. And after one year without results, Hung's entire family will be put to the sword. So. I guess Hung's dad really fucked shit up.
Hung sets out to infiltrate the enemy family that is suspected of being instrumental in the rebellion against the rightful Ming dynasty. He pretends to be a simple teacher, not even a martial arts teacher but of words and letters, which fits in well with his imperial training. As luck would have it, the youngest daughter of the Grand Pah Pah family (not their real name either, I only call them that because they are led by some old white bearded guy) has recently fired her ancient teacher and has need of a replacement. Grand Pah Pah's youngest granddaughter falls madly in love with Hung Long Wang (why do you think I named him that? duh), and after only three months alone with him, wants to marry him. Infiltration successful!
However, the Grand Pah Pah family has uncovered Hung Long Wang's secret. No, not that he's hung like a rhino, get your mind out of the gutter. That he's a government spy! OH NOES MR. BILL! The youngest granddaughter pleads with her grandfather to allow her to marry the guy, not believing he's an agent, and she promises that he will stay on their family land forever with her. Grandpa agrees. in the meantime, Hung's dad is stripped of his office as titles, as the three months is up. Hung spends several more months placidly boning the granddaughter, pretending to be some meek schoolmarm who doesn't know kung fu, while he manages to steal a secret list of names of the rebels most recent recruits. Mission accomplished, he sets out to ask permission to "visit his family," so that he can report back to the government. Grand pah Pah agrees, knowing he'll have to kill the young scallywag in the morning to prevent him from reporting back on the Grand pah Pah's family's involvement in rebel activities.
The granddaughter, knowing her grandfather will kill her husband, packs his bags and they decide to flee the old homestead by night, before Grand pah can kill her beloved. Since Grand pah Pah is a master of something called Shadow style (that is the actual name they used), she knows her useless wuss of a schoolmarm husband can't possibly defeat him, or escape, without her help. Being a trained martial artist in her own right, she helps Hung battle his way out of the family estate, and hung reveals he is, in fact, a kung fu expert, but still wouldn't manage to have escaped without the help of the granddaughter, her mother, her grandmother, and one of her brothers. The granddaughter sacrifices her own life to help her husband escape, though he is wounded in the battle. At least, I think he was wounded. His pretty shirt was all torn and there were red splotches on it. That usually means death is near. Running through the woods on his way to the capital, Hung is despairing of his inability to fight the Shadow Style. Chancing upon a preying mantis, he studies it for all of 5 minutes (real time, probably not movie-time), learns all it's secrets, develops Mantis style kung fu, and can tear wooden trees apart with one finger. I was amazed. I tried lifting a small rock with one finger once, and broke it. My finger, not the rock. Martial arts, is there anything it can't do?
Hung Long Wang, armed with his deadly new mantis skill, returns to the Grand Pah Pah estate, slaughters everyone there (and why the HELL are there a hundred guys wandering the grounds whose only job is to hold up a lantern so people can watch the kung fu fight? honestly?), disposes of the Grandfather, and returns to the imperial city a hero! However, upon learning that Hung has succeeded in his mission, his father poisons his celebratory cup of wine because the father is a rebel sympathizer, and Hung dies a horrible poisonous death along with his family, who are now penniless and landless since it's been over 6 months since Hung set out upon his mission. Of course, knowing that his father was a rebel sympathizer, Hung tries to kill the Ming Magistrate, but i think he dies of poison before he ever gets there. The movie ends with Hung's dad dead, Hung spitting up poisoned blood, and guards attacking the shit out of Hung with big pointy sword-spear things.
So. There you have it. No shaolin, a few mantids near the end of the movie, and 20 minutes of Mantis style kung fu that rips entrails out of human beings with a flick of a wrist. Everybody dies but the really bad guy. Hmmm. Odd movie.
I know, you're disappointed. So was I. To help you out, here's a bonus game review. Elder Scrolls Online was released friday to thunderous applause! Actually, the appluase may have just been my enormously fat ass cheeks flapping in the breeze of my flatulence as I farted in Elder Scrolls Online's general direction. $60 for the game, $15 a month for the subscription, and I played it for two days before the game even officially opened, in an early access granted by pre-ordering it, and the game blows chunks. Everyone loves Skyrim, made by bethesda, set in the same game world, but ESO plays NOTHING like Skyrim. Skyrim is fun. ESO is like shaving your ballsack with a jagged rusty razor and no lube, which, if you've ever done that, is no picnic, let me tell you. I stopped playing after two days and honestly haven't even felt the need to go back to it, which normally I play the SHIT out of my new games until I get bored of them. Frankly, I was bored of this one before I got out of the tutorial. Standard MMO crap, level treadmill, nothing fun, reasonable graphics. Blah de blah blah. Don't waste your hard-earend moneys. Buy a new razor and some lube instead, and shave your balls with that.
In other news, I haven't reviewed any movies lately because my uncle died, I had the flu, and winter eventually did start to harsh my mellow. But it's spring now, I'm 44 years old and I look like I'm 172, and who gives a flying five-fingered fuck? Bring on the summer, bitches! I'm so ready! My abs are like, okay not a six pack, more like a giant keg, but if I could, i'd put a tap in that baby and dispense alcohol straight from my liver to all the college coeds! Actually that's the most disgusting thing I have ever heard in my life. Why did that even pop into my head? I feel so disgusted now. I may throw up.
Like many of the old martial arts flicks from the 70's and 80's, when only the asians were making them, I simply cannot find this movie title on IMDB.com. It's probably called something else, and Shaolin mantis was only the rough translation, but either way, I have no idea what the proper name for this film was. I'm guessing from the style that it was made in the late 70's or early 80's, and i saw it on El Rey network, which has a love affair with the early martial arts flicks. That's right, I #RideWithElRey. And I don't even have a twitter account. That's right. Why? because how the HELL do I squeeze a movie review into 140 characters or whatever the limit is? Duh. Shit, some of my titles are longer than 140 characters.
Now before I get into Shaolin Mantis, let me talk about the El Rey network. I like it. That have commercials, but they show nudity. They have sports events, but also martial arts flicks and grindhouse films on friday nights, when all good geeks stay home and flog the bishop. I mean, their martial arts double features are on thursdays, and they call them "Flying Five-Finger One-Armed Eight-Pole Shaolin Exploding Death Touch Thursdays." I had to memorize the sequence of words several times just to make sure I could say it right. God knows how many takes it took for the announcer to spew it so eloquently on command on the advertisements for it. I can barely type it out correctly, let alone say it. If that doesn't drag your kung-fu ass in to check out the network, I don't know what will. Plus, I hear Godzilla rides with El Rey. Though I haven't seen him. AND they have a series based on the movie Dusk til Dawn. Yea, vampires and shit. Not those sparkly-ass ones, either. Snake-wearing, large-breasted, tequila-swilling mexican vampires. Damn skippy.
On to the movie review. Shaolin Mantis is probably the most mis-named martial Arts movie I have ever seen. Let's sum up the movie, and since the movie is like 30 years old, don't even bother with the spoilers. You'll never see the damn thing anyway if you haven't already. First off, there are no Shaolin in the movie. No priests, no monks, no temples, no Kwai Chang Caine, not even Michael Caine. Nobody in this movie was even trained at a shaolin temple. How Shaolin got into the title is an interesting story. Or it probably would be, if I knew the story. But I don't. Supposedly the movie is a "showcase" of the mantis style. I'm not really sure how that could be sine the style only pops up in the last 20 minutes.
Enter our hero, the plucky son of a chinese official who has failed to uncover this one family's involvement in the rebellion. His father disgraced, Hung Long Wang (I'm guessing here, that's not really his name, or at least, i don't think it is, and I apologize in advance to any asian readers for picking on their much more colorful and ancient heritage) agrees to uncover the leaders of the rebellion on behalf of his father. The local chinese magistrate is so upset at Hung's father's performance that he gives Hung 3 months to find out what's going on. At the end of that time, Hung's father will be stripped of his imperial title and office. After 6 months, Hung's family estate and wealth will be seized. And after one year without results, Hung's entire family will be put to the sword. So. I guess Hung's dad really fucked shit up.
Hung sets out to infiltrate the enemy family that is suspected of being instrumental in the rebellion against the rightful Ming dynasty. He pretends to be a simple teacher, not even a martial arts teacher but of words and letters, which fits in well with his imperial training. As luck would have it, the youngest daughter of the Grand Pah Pah family (not their real name either, I only call them that because they are led by some old white bearded guy) has recently fired her ancient teacher and has need of a replacement. Grand Pah Pah's youngest granddaughter falls madly in love with Hung Long Wang (why do you think I named him that? duh), and after only three months alone with him, wants to marry him. Infiltration successful!
However, the Grand Pah Pah family has uncovered Hung Long Wang's secret. No, not that he's hung like a rhino, get your mind out of the gutter. That he's a government spy! OH NOES MR. BILL! The youngest granddaughter pleads with her grandfather to allow her to marry the guy, not believing he's an agent, and she promises that he will stay on their family land forever with her. Grandpa agrees. in the meantime, Hung's dad is stripped of his office as titles, as the three months is up. Hung spends several more months placidly boning the granddaughter, pretending to be some meek schoolmarm who doesn't know kung fu, while he manages to steal a secret list of names of the rebels most recent recruits. Mission accomplished, he sets out to ask permission to "visit his family," so that he can report back to the government. Grand pah Pah agrees, knowing he'll have to kill the young scallywag in the morning to prevent him from reporting back on the Grand pah Pah's family's involvement in rebel activities.
The granddaughter, knowing her grandfather will kill her husband, packs his bags and they decide to flee the old homestead by night, before Grand pah can kill her beloved. Since Grand pah Pah is a master of something called Shadow style (that is the actual name they used), she knows her useless wuss of a schoolmarm husband can't possibly defeat him, or escape, without her help. Being a trained martial artist in her own right, she helps Hung battle his way out of the family estate, and hung reveals he is, in fact, a kung fu expert, but still wouldn't manage to have escaped without the help of the granddaughter, her mother, her grandmother, and one of her brothers. The granddaughter sacrifices her own life to help her husband escape, though he is wounded in the battle. At least, I think he was wounded. His pretty shirt was all torn and there were red splotches on it. That usually means death is near. Running through the woods on his way to the capital, Hung is despairing of his inability to fight the Shadow Style. Chancing upon a preying mantis, he studies it for all of 5 minutes (real time, probably not movie-time), learns all it's secrets, develops Mantis style kung fu, and can tear wooden trees apart with one finger. I was amazed. I tried lifting a small rock with one finger once, and broke it. My finger, not the rock. Martial arts, is there anything it can't do?
Hung Long Wang, armed with his deadly new mantis skill, returns to the Grand Pah Pah estate, slaughters everyone there (and why the HELL are there a hundred guys wandering the grounds whose only job is to hold up a lantern so people can watch the kung fu fight? honestly?), disposes of the Grandfather, and returns to the imperial city a hero! However, upon learning that Hung has succeeded in his mission, his father poisons his celebratory cup of wine because the father is a rebel sympathizer, and Hung dies a horrible poisonous death along with his family, who are now penniless and landless since it's been over 6 months since Hung set out upon his mission. Of course, knowing that his father was a rebel sympathizer, Hung tries to kill the Ming Magistrate, but i think he dies of poison before he ever gets there. The movie ends with Hung's dad dead, Hung spitting up poisoned blood, and guards attacking the shit out of Hung with big pointy sword-spear things.
So. There you have it. No shaolin, a few mantids near the end of the movie, and 20 minutes of Mantis style kung fu that rips entrails out of human beings with a flick of a wrist. Everybody dies but the really bad guy. Hmmm. Odd movie.
I know, you're disappointed. So was I. To help you out, here's a bonus game review. Elder Scrolls Online was released friday to thunderous applause! Actually, the appluase may have just been my enormously fat ass cheeks flapping in the breeze of my flatulence as I farted in Elder Scrolls Online's general direction. $60 for the game, $15 a month for the subscription, and I played it for two days before the game even officially opened, in an early access granted by pre-ordering it, and the game blows chunks. Everyone loves Skyrim, made by bethesda, set in the same game world, but ESO plays NOTHING like Skyrim. Skyrim is fun. ESO is like shaving your ballsack with a jagged rusty razor and no lube, which, if you've ever done that, is no picnic, let me tell you. I stopped playing after two days and honestly haven't even felt the need to go back to it, which normally I play the SHIT out of my new games until I get bored of them. Frankly, I was bored of this one before I got out of the tutorial. Standard MMO crap, level treadmill, nothing fun, reasonable graphics. Blah de blah blah. Don't waste your hard-earend moneys. Buy a new razor and some lube instead, and shave your balls with that.
In other news, I haven't reviewed any movies lately because my uncle died, I had the flu, and winter eventually did start to harsh my mellow. But it's spring now, I'm 44 years old and I look like I'm 172, and who gives a flying five-fingered fuck? Bring on the summer, bitches! I'm so ready! My abs are like, okay not a six pack, more like a giant keg, but if I could, i'd put a tap in that baby and dispense alcohol straight from my liver to all the college coeds! Actually that's the most disgusting thing I have ever heard in my life. Why did that even pop into my head? I feel so disgusted now. I may throw up.
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