Clash of the Titans? Seriously?

I know, you guys have probably heard enough about how I hate remakes, but seriously, Clash of the Titans? Okay, let's compare the two movies, shall we? The original version back in the early 80's to the remake, I don't know, 2009 or something? I'm not smart enough to do a side-by-side comparison using HTML on my blog page here so we are going to compare using paragraphs. Yes, actual words! What can I say, I'm old-school all the way, baby!

Okay, first, let me compare the acting skills of the respective actors. Zeus, in the first movie was played by Lawrence Olivier. That's right, Lawrence fucking Olivier. I don't know what other movies he was in offhand because he's an OLD actor (dead now i think) but the point is, Liam Neeson is a good actor but he's not LAWRENCE FUCKING OLIVIER. I mean it's that simple. Really. In fact I think they actually named him LAWRENCE, middle name FUCKING, last name OLIVIER on his birth certificate, just because they KNEW. I mean, you don't say LIAM FUCKING NEESON with the same level of awe, you know what I'm sayin? Yea, I think you do.

Then we get Harry Hamlin. Now, Harry Hamlin in his younger days was rather a hollywood heartthrob. What we would think of today when we think Charlie Sheen, or matthew mccoughinghair or whoever. So casting him in the role of Harry Hamlin pretty much guaranteed all the women audiences. Smart casting move, if you ask me. At least, back then. Nowadays he's a grey-haired staple on lifetime or Oxygen or Oprah, you know, one of those women's channels. Who's they get to replace him? Hell if I know, can't even remember the guy's name, but he's no charlie sheen, I can tell you. Or Matthew mcismoketoomuchweed. Yea.

Plus, I mean come on, he supporting cast... Burgess Meredith ("Hit im wit a right, percy, you can do it baby!"), all the other gods and goddesses, and I think they even got an 18 year old prima ballerina to strip off on cam for the role of andromeda. I mean, there isn't even any nudity in the new flick, and the chick who plays some immortal nymph who likes hanging around men's locker rooms trying to hook up with perseus is definitely no prima ballerina, you know? Yea, you know.

So now we got the acting out of the way, let's go with the special effects. I look at the award-winning special effects by special effects maser Ray Harryhausen in the 1981 version and I go COOL! I look at the computer generated CGI in the 2010 version and I think "meh." More importantly, and I don't know whether it's because in the CGI versions my mind just sort of knows there's nothing actually there or whether it's just that crappy, but the CGI doesn't scare me. No, Hades shows up, the kraken shows up, medusa turns people to stone, there's no visceral, gut wrenching HOLY FUCK THERE'S A GODDAMN GORGON ON MY TV reaction like there should be. Shit, even Calibos, the mutant half-demon is done better in the old version. I was way more scared of the mean-looking, claymation-like old guy in the 1981 one than the flame-scarred asswipe who acted badly in some prosthetic makeup in the 2010 version. Did the 2010 remake win any awards for it's special effects? I didn't think so.

Now I grant you the basic storyline is pretty much the same, so let's go with the sideplots and secondary characters. Now, here in the remake we get to see some quality acting, as the soldiers that form Perseus guard in the new flick are grizzled looking and full of character. And then the movie fucks it all up and has them fighting CGI generated gigantic scorpions and getting their asses kicked Wtf. That's like paying a heavyweight wrestler to attack a paper bag, and having the wrestler get his ass kicked. It's just silly. in the first movie, they were winning til calibos started helping out the scorpions. Then you get some comedy relief with some crazy looking monster hunters and some stone-covered djinn thingy, and yes, I know they weren't supposed to be comedy, but yea, they were. Now let me explain why.

In the first movie, you had Bubo, a golden mechanical owl created by Hephaestus to replace the living Bubo, a pet of the goddess Athena. Bubo was clumsy, stupid looking, talked with funny unintelligible clicking noises and constantly got into trouble. The new movie even went so far as to have the new Perseus reach into a trunk, pull out the original Bubo, and have one of the grizzled war veterans tell him to put it back. I laughed. You know why I laughed? Because Bubo was FUNNY. That's the goddamn point of COMEDY RELIEF. That's why they call it that. The original filmmakers were smart enough to know that hey, Harry Hamlin isn't exactly a stone-eating, fire-spitting engine of destruction. If we want him to look manly, we have to put in something that will make him look heroic by comparison. And that's where Bubo comes in. Letting us laugh at Bubo allows us to focus our other emotions on Perseus, because frankly, Harry Hamlin was pretty wimpy looking back in the day. In the new movie, there IS no comedy relief. Therefore, we compare perseus to the grizzled war veterans, and we think "jesus, perseus is a pussy." Even compared to the funky foreigner monster hunter guys, he comes up short. I mean think about it, for being the son of a god, he's a goddamn FISHERMAN. You put him up against guys who go around cutting people apart with swords and fighting toe to toe with monsters and he's going to look like a panzy, I don't care how much he pretends to be otherwise. I'm pretty sure the soldiers and monster hunters made the new Perseus their bitch a few times along the way, because by the end of the movie he was really angry.

So to sum up, the new perseus gets raped by a mechanical owl, and the special effects blow.

Happy V-Day!

Hey every.. well, all one of you!

Just wanted to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day! I know it's been several weeks since my last post.. okay, 5 weeks, but I've been busy with work, busy playing PC games, and hey let's be honest, I don't lead a very exciting life, so what's there to post about, right? lol

So what's with all the couples being happy on V-Day, and all the single people being sad? When did V-Day have being in a relationship as a requirement to enjoy it? Sure, you're saying to yourself, old Scribey there has a happy relationship with his right hand, so he doesn't feel the loneliness! Well, that may be true, but I always thought V-Day was more about the celebration of love than the celebration of being stuck with, erm, I mean, the happenstance of whether or not you had a steady romantic partner on any given day. I mean, there's hearts and cupids and all that symbolism flying around on V-Day, why should only couples be able to celebrate it? Seems to me that, while I may not have a partner with a pulse at the moment (blow up dolls notwithstanding), don't i, in fact, love the shit out of myself? You're damn right I do! In all the wrong ways! Oh, baby!

So why make today about couples? I say, enjoy all the self love you can today! I don't care if you're 500 pounds and couldn't find your privates with a fork lift or you're a 95 pound porn star who hasn't stopped orgasming since the 80's, why not just take a few hours today and enjoy yourself? I mean, sure, maybe there's some things you don't like about yourself... and none of us is perfect, I think we can all admit that... but I am more forgiving of my own flaws than I am anyone else's! So if you can find your privates, give them a good fondle, and if you can't, well, then treat yourself to a cherry cheesecake, because let's face it, love is love, whether you love playing PC games, eating, dancing, singing, or, you know, giving yourself brushburns because you ran out of lube!

I don't recommend that last bit. Brushburns sting like crazy on the sensitive parts. Trust me.