I wonder...

So it's monday morning. Did you ever have one of those days where you finally manage to pry your eyes open with a crowbar and you realize you're at work? And you have been for hours? Which begs the question... Did I run over anyone while driving in? Hmmmmm.

So this cold has been kicking my ass for days. I know, I'm always sick. Viruses love my body like women love my body, only more so. Come to think of it, it'd have to be more so, because I look like a grumpy santa claus. On the plus side, if there's any babes out there with a bad santa fetish, I am your man. HOE HOE HOE

So i go out shoveling thursday night, and I'm out in the sub-zero temperatures and it's not really an issue because once I get warmed up I'm actually fine, but I guess the wind and cold did a number on my sinuses because my head has felt numb for like 4 days now. Which is odd because I would think I should get a ehadache or something, but this whole numb thing is just odd. plus my lips are numb. I think they're just dry, but isn't there some disease where if your lips go numb you're like dead or something? Oh no, wait, I know what it is, it's called being a slut.

So my boss comes to my desk while I am on a call and hands me my stat sheet. Supposedly the bosses here are supposed to review your stats with you so you can improve. I guess I'm good, not because I know what the stats on the sheet mean, but because he just handed it to me and walked off, and there's nothing marked on it, soooooo, yea. I guess I still work here. Good news, you ask? Eh, maybe. When I started this job I thought I'd quit after 6 months just to get the unemployment benefits. I been here 5 years now...

Something else that clued me in it wasn't going to be that great a day. I have a headset that I bring with me into work and as I am unfurling the cord from the headset, I manage to get it lopped through the arm of the chair I am sitting in, and then get it looped around the wheel of my own chair. I have no idea how. I didn't realize I was that dexterous. Maybe I should try out for the Ballet. Okay, bad idea, two things occur to me, one, I'd probably fall and break the ballerinas, and two, me in tights. Not pretty.

That reminds me, I once had a comedic contest in which a guy challenged me for title of funniest man ever. I asked him what his terms were, he said, if I were to lose, that i'd have to dance on the bartop in a pink tutu. If he lost, he'd have to admit to everyone that I was funnier than he was. I accepted his rules and he asked me if I wanted to go first or not. I told him it didn't matter because I'd already won. He asked me how I figured that. I said "Because me dancing on the bar in a pink tutu will be funnier than anything you can come up with. So whether I win or lose, I still win." Our judge, a mutual friend, conceded that I was correct and therefore, the winner, and funniest man ever. This story could also be titled "How To Win A Comedian Contest Without Actually Being Funny."

Some of you are probably wondering why I don't talk about my job more. And even if you weren't, I am going to tell you. It's mostly because I forget it as soon as I leave for the day. Yea, I pretty much blank it out. It's the same thing every day, anyway. I work in Tech Support, so it's a cycle of people calling in and asking for help connecting to the internet, and because of company policy which I keep asking them to change (but the bastards won't), I have to accept the calls and can't just hang up on the customers. I know, what a bitch, right? So here I am, talking to Bubba Jimmy Joe Bob's grandmother, and she has never seen a computer before in her life and wants to know how to design a house with it. First off, grandma, I only troubleshoot internet connections, so if you keep asking me why your printer doesn't work I am going to drive to your house and BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT. And second off, you're DEAD NOW because you kept asking me about the printer! You couldn't even follow rule one, so now you're DEAD! So don't even think about breaking rule two. I'd raise you from the dead just so I could torture you and KILL YOU A SECOND TIME!!!!! So, yea, that's why I don't talk about my job much. They have anger management therapy sessions 5 times a day, I am thinking about attending...

ALL OF THEM. While drunk.