Sunday, December 24, 2017

Bright (2017), and Happy Holidays!

Yep, I missed my annual Giving-Thanks post.  Daily life gets in the way sometimes, you know?  So, Thanks!  I've got new friends and more peace and quiet to be thankful for this year, and probably many other hidden blessings that I'm sure just have to be given time to unwrap themselves, like this unexpected holiday review that I jsut decided to write!  Yay!

I saw Bright (2017) on Netflix the other night.  Will Smith plays some cop in an alternate universe kinda thing where modern-day Los Angeles is actually home to Humans, Elves, Orcs and Fairies.  There're rumors that the Dark Lord (a very bad guy) is returning, and there's some creepy group of elves helping him called the Inferni.  So, to bring back the Dark Lord, the Inferni need 3 Wands, which are obviously the only way these heretofore-magical races can wield magic, apparently.  So, what happens when some typical beat-cop runs across a Wand in his normal day, and everyone's out to get it, and his new Orc partner?  Find out on Netflix!

Okay, this is another one of those cases where my review is actually better than the movie.  Will Smith seems uninspired in this, not up to his normal level of action-hero badassery (is it time for him to join the cast of the Expendables yet?), and his Orc partner seems hampered by the odd camo-face-paint makeup they are using to denote Orcs.  The rest of the cast was ok, the theme seemed like a good idea, but the execution wasn't very good.  Special effects were ok, but there was no explanation given as to most of the magic stuff going on behind the scenes.  Sometimes, there doesn't need to be, but i don't think this was one of those times.  Also, if they need 3 wands to bring him back (which was what i thought they said, though i might have misunderstood), then how are they trying to do it with one?  Generally disappointing movie.  Can't really recommend it, unless you like watching Will Smith smack a CGI fairie around with a broom.  Feels like a hate crime to me.

Happy Holidays!  Happy New Year!  I had a sucky 2017, so maybe 2018 will be better?  I can only hope, and maybe 2018 will be better for the rest of you, as well.  Good luck!  :-)  See you next year, hopefully with more reviews!  I suck at this regular-posting schedule stuff.  ;-/

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

#31 - Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies (2016)

With this final post for the month, October Horror Movie Review-A-Thon 2017 is complete, and I shall rule the world!!!  MUA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!!  At least half that statement is probably correct.  Not sure which half, but I think I lost contact with reality about 15 years ago.  Could have been longer.  Reality never sends me emails anymore.

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies (2016) begins with a professional snowboarder attempting to snowboard down a mountain.  It's the end of the season for snowboarding, and if Steve can manage to stylishly impress his special guest, he secures his sponsors for all of next season!  Steve is going to drop out of a chopper, right onto the side of the mountain, and snowboard his way down!  The only problem is, the mountain is covered in artificial snow, snow that has turned all the wildlife into undead versions of themselves.  Will Steve impress his sponsors enough to secure his funding for next season, manage to fight off an army of zombies, and at the same time, impress his manager/girlfriend Branka?  Or will the Lederhosen Horde of Zombies win the day?  :-o

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies manages to successfully combine the binge-drinking fun of Oktoberfest, with the Zombies typical of Halloween movies, into a wintry carnival of horror-comedy.  I thought it was appropriate for the last day in October, since it was snowing when I woke up this morning, and only 3 days ago I was wearing shorts.  Man, the weather changes fast around here.  Also, though I searched high and low, I could not find another movie to review in time for this post.  I thought I read somewhere that Netflix would have Neon Demon for me to stream at some point this month, but alas, that seems not to be the case.  :-(

So, the cast.  Laurie Calvert plays Steve (the snowboarder), Gabriela Marcinkova plays Branka (Steve's manager/girlfriend), and Margarete Tiesel play Rita (proprietor of the local drinking establishment).  This is a solid B-zombie-horror-comedy movie, so don't expect oscar-winning performances, and I have never seen any of the cast anywhere else.  Effects are typical zombie make-up effects and foam-rubber body parts covered in gallons of blood, which is plenty good enough for me!  No nudity, which is something you'd expect from this caliber of movie, but Branka is easy on the eyes.  Branka, and Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies, is on Showtime Beyond if you want to check it out.  I've seen it twice now, so it certainly passes the rewatchability test, though mostly for being just a fun snowboard ride.  Like the sign in the movie says, "it's all downhill from here."

At one point in this movie, they're doing like a montage of body parts flying into the air as they kill zombies, and I think I saw a pair of shorts and a telephone book just randomly tossed into the air in between, just to give you an idea of how goofy-funny this movie is.  (spoilers) I love the part where the bar blows up!  It's shot from a distance, and looks awesome!  (end spoilers)  It's not all just comedy, though. There's a plot, and it's serious, and though it may not be entirely plausible, it gets the job done.  And honestly, when you're looking for a sex-toy, you don't want something pretty or stylish, you want something that gets the job done.  This movie may not be a sex-toy, but it gets the job done, and what more could you want in a horror movie, I ask you?  Well, lots more, but hey, it's a B-movie.  What do you expect?

That's all for this month, and for OHMRAT 2017!  Woohooo!  I've done it again!  Yeah, baby, yeah!  Time to celebrate with cheap horror movies, John Carpenter's horror classic Halloween (1978), and bucketloads of Halloween candy!  Yeeehawwww!!  Happy Halloween everybody!  :-D

Monday, October 30, 2017

#30 - Little Evil (2017)

Down to the wire, and racing for the home stretch!  I almost fumbled the ball tonight, and yes, I realize that does mix a horse-racing metaphor with a fotball metaphor, and those two do not go well together.  What I mean is, I almost couldn't find a movie to review this evening!  :-o  Luckily, someone had recommended another film to me earlier this month, that I hadn't actually reviewed yet.

Little Evil (2017) is a simple enough story.  A stepdad is trying to bond with his new stepson.  Unfortunately, the stepson has buried him out in the back yard, which, not only makes communicating difficult, but really puts a damper on the relationship.  Communication really is key in these sorts of situations, mostly because, if he doesn't get some help before he runs out of air, he's dead!

This is a horror-comedy, fair warning.  These is some horror to it, though, and it's not just a typical step-dad/step-son story.  So let's recap the cast.  Evangeline Lilly plays the mom.  Adam Scott plays Gary, the stepdad.  Sally Field and Clancy Brown are even in it.  I especially loved Bridget Everett as AL.  Most of the actors give pretty solid performances, but they got a bargain on the extras.  I noticed several of them looking over at the camera during filming, which just surprised me, because the extras are usually better than that.  This movie was pretty decent, a fair B-movie, and kind of funny.  I wouldn't mind watching it again, but seeing it once gives you the general idea.  Maybe they'll make a sequel!

In other news, I finished watching season 2 of Stranger Things.  It was pretty good, around the same quality as the first season.  Stranger Things is on netflix, so if you haven't watched it, yet, and you have access to netflix, go do that!  I highly recommend it.

That's all for tonight.  One more review to go!  Happy Halloween to you guys, if you are too busy to check my blog tomorrow.  :-)

Sunday, October 29, 2017

#29 - Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017)

"Jeepers Creepers, where'd you get those peepers?  Jeepers Creepers, where'd you get those eyes?" was a popular kids' song back in the olden days of TV land, as I recall.  I often heard it sung in my youth, long before the first of the Jeepers Creepers movies was made.  Back then, it wasn't so creepy.  Nowadays, all I can think of when I hear that song, is Justin Long's eyeless face dangling from hooks in a dank, dark cave.  Poor Justin! :-(

Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017) picks up right where Jeepers Creepers (the first movie) left off, after the "Creeper" takes off with Justin Long's character at the end of that movie.  The Police are out in force, trying to figure out what the heck is going on, and there's suddenly a Creeper Task Force being led by someone who fought the Creeper the last time it was flitting around, 23 years back.  Between the Task force and the police, surely they can deal with one little old creeper, right?  They've already captured his truck, how hard can it be...?

I saw this movie on Syfy, but don't let that fool you.  This is definitely not one of those Syfy-channel horror-movie-of-the-week productions.  Meg Foster (Masters of the Universe, They Live, Leviathan, Blind Fury) plays Gaylen Brandon, an old farmer with a score to settle.  Stan Shaw (Rocky, Snake Eyes, The Monster Squad) plays Sheriff Tashtego, also with a score to settle with the Creeper.  Brandon Smith (Jeepers Creepers) plays Sgt. Tubbs, one of the few surviving police officers from the first movie, back to go another round or two with the Creeper (played by Jonathan Breck, who also played the Creeper in the first two movies).  This is a solid, good quality B-movie here, and it shows.

According to Creeper myth (set forth by these movies), the Creeper awakens every 23 years, and feeds for 23 days in the Spring, before hibernating for another 23 years.  From what I can tell, all three of the Jeepers Creepers movies revolve around a single appearance of the Creeper.  The first Jeepers Creepers movie details the Creeper's first encounter, this movie (the third) details what happened right after the first movie, and the second Jeepers Creepers movie actually details what happens at the end of the Creeper's 23-day Spring feeding.  To watch the movies in the correct order of events (according to the Creeper timeline), you'd have to watch the first one, the third one, and then go back and watch the second one.  The odd order makes things a little confusing, but this movie does give you a little more background about what happens just before the start of the second movie.

I'd expect another series of Jeepers Creepers movies around 2024, when the Creeper would supposedly awaken from his 23-year hibernation (23 years after the first movie came out in 2001), and get started feeding again.  Of course, there's still time to squeeze in a couple more Creeper movies before then, maybe a flashback to where the creeper first woke up in time to hunt Justin Long's character from the first movie, or even a flashack to where the Creeper went to ground the last time he was out hunting.  I wonder if they'll get Justin Long back for a cameo or something?  Come to think of it, they never did give a date for when the creeper was out hunting THIS time, so maybe he's already out hunting again, as we speak!  It is horror season!  Who knows what's going on around the dark and spooky back roads of America?  :-o

I liked this movie, mostly because it picks up right where the first movie left off, and continues with pretty much non-stop action almost until the end.  There's a lot more of the Creeper's hardware shown, including the completely-implausible semi-living magical truck filled with traps that the Creeper drives, and those little tooth-filled bone-stars he throws on occasion.  There's not as much flying around in this movie, and instead of just flitting around at night like he did in the second movie, the Creeper spends most of his time aground in daylight during this one.  There's a little bit of filler material introducing Addison Brandon (Gabrielle Haugh, the Creeper's latest target), but it's not too distracting from the rest of the film, and she's easy on the eyes.  I'd probably watch this movie again, certainly just before the next one comes out, just to refresh my memory as to what's going on in the story.

29 movies down, two left to go!  Looks like I'll be able to finish another round of my October Horror Movie Review-A-Thon, but I've been wrong before!  Can I do it?  31 horror movie reviews in 31 days?  We'll see!  In other news, Stranger Things (Season 2) is out on Netflix, and if you're not reading my blog, that's probably where you are right now, binge-watching the entire nine episodes of the second season.  Come to think of it, that's where I am going next, too.  See you there!  :-D

Saturday, October 28, 2017

#27 - American Werewolf in London (1981), #28 - Psycho (1960)

Two classics tonight!  I am behind schedule with the reviews, so without any further build-up, let's get to it!

American Werewolf in London (1981) begins with a pair of guys from America heading out on a hiking tour of europe.  Obviously they start in England, and a sheep truck drops them off in the rainy moors for the first portion of their long hike.  A short stop at a pub called the "Slaughtered Lamb" leaves them a bit spooked, so they head out onto the moors in the dark of night, during a rainstorm.  Straying from the road, the boys are out on the moors when they hear something out there in the night, something growling...

Let's cover the cast.  David Naughton and Griffin Dunne are David and Jack, two buddies just out for a good hike through Europe, when things don't go according to plan.   Jenny Agutter plays Nurse Price, and John Woodvine plays Dr. Hirsh.  Everyone does a bang-up job, and Jenny Agutter looks awesome in a nurse's uniform.  Everyone else does a good job as well, including the locals of East Proctor.  I imagine they'd have used the locals of South Proctology, but they were all getting rectal exams that day.  Odd coincidence.

American Werewolf in London is one of the best werewolf movies of all time, hands down.  The transformation sequence alone was a landmark of special effects for its time, and still looks better than most of the CGI crap they use nowadays.  I love that they use CCR's "Bad Moon Rising" to lead up to the transformation sequence, which is freakishly and awesomely scary.  The effects on the "undead" are awesome, too.  There was even a sequel, American Werewolf in Paris, but it wasn't as good as the first one.  I caught American Werewolf in London on EPIX, one of the premium channels, if you want to check it out for yourself.

Psycho (1960) starts out with a moment of weakness.  A secretary left in possession of $40,000 during a real-estate transaction, perhaps overcome with the heat and her desire to go visit her lover, absconds with the money and heads for greener pastures.  Like most first-time criminals, she makes a lot of mistakes, but perhaps her worst one is ending up at the Bates Motel during a rainstorm.  Norman Bates is the proprietor of the Motel, and the dynamic between him and his mother, does not seem to be good...

Psycho has been voted the second-scariest horror film of all time on numerous occasions.  Much like American Werewolf in London, there's a shower scene that many people enjoyed.  Alfred Hitchcok was obviosuly behind Psycho, and the movie stars Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates and Janet Leigh as Marion Crane, the lady who swipes the 40 grand.  Awesome movie, decent special effects for the time, and kickass acting talent.  As much a classic as American Werewolf in London, if not more so, for most people.  This was on TCM (Turner Classic Movies) if you want to watch it for yourself.

In other news, the Inhumans still sucks.  I hate Maximus, not in the sense that he's a good villain and deserves his comeuppance, but in the sense that he's the most ridiculous villain that I have ever seen, and he should be the comedy relief.  He's powerless, paranoid, and idiotic, and as much as the series tries to make him out to be some sneaky, smart, brilliant master of tactics, none of it makes the least bit of sense.  The rest of the Inhumans have to be absolute morons by comparison, or they'd have dropped this dipshit ages ago.  It's like watching Jon Lovits in Mom and Dad Save the World, ruling a planet of morons, only in this case everyone is an idiot.  I'm not sure who to root for.  Maybe the dog?

That's all for tonight.  Catch you guys tomorrow with another review.  :-)

Thursday, October 26, 2017

#26 - Housebound (2014)

I think, of all the horror movies, there's more haunted house horror movies than just about anything else.  Amityville Horror is just one example but I am sure there are countless others.  It's probably just a side effect of everyone being worried about the normal creaks and groans of their house settling at night.  I know when I'm laying awake in bed at night, and my house creaks and groans, settles and moans, wheezes and creaks and pops and settles and MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED GET ME OUT OF HERE (gasp, pant) it's okay.  I'm okay.  I panicked a little.  I'm all right.

Housebound (2014) starts with an attempted burglary.  Kylie's boyfriend attempts to rob an ATM machine, and succeeds in knocking himself unconscious.  Being slightly more capable than her unconscious boyfriend, Kylie manages to rob the ATM, but has some car trouble attempting to escape.  As punishment, Kylie is sentenced to home imprisonment, subject to an ankle monitor that broadcasts her location at all times.  Unfortunately, Kylie doesn't have a home, so she's sent back to her mother's home.  Kylie doesn't get along with her mom, and doesn't want to be home.  Kylie's mom isn't too happy with the situation either, especially since Kylie doesn't believe her mom when she tells her daughter that strange things have been happening around the house...

One of the interesting things I noted about this movie is that, when Kylie tells her haunted-house story to her probation officer, his reaction is not the standard reaction you'd expect.  I don't want to give away what happens, but there are definitely a lot of unintended laughs in this movie.  This is a New Zealand-made movie, so I really don't know any of the actors.  I guess that kind of helped, as it made each actor seem like he or she was perfect for the role.  This movie is a little different than your average horror movie, and there's even some comedic moments here and there, but it's not a bad watch.  Maybe a bit of a slow starter, and the ending wasn't what I expected, but not disappointing.  I caught this on netflix, and it's there if you guys want to check it out.  I don't know if I'd watch it again, but it wasn't bad the first time.

That's all for tonight.  Been one of those days, you know?  I'm off to chillax until bedtime, listening to my house creak and pop and groan and ZOMG MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED!  :-o  No, no, it's ok, I panicked.  I'm all right.  I'm ok.  I'll be fine.  After 20 or 30 years of therapy.  Maybe.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

#25 - Life (2017)

Sci-fi has long been an excellent source of horror, from the campy sci-fi of the 1950's, through Alien in 1979 to Event Horizon in 1997.  The red planet Mars has long been a source for these alien monstrosities, though we now know it to be mostly barren and mostly dry.  Does alien life exist on Mars?  And what would happen if we found it?

Life (2017) begins with the recovery of some martian soil samples that were almost lost due to an unexpected meteor shower.  Rory Adams is an astronaut aboard the International Space Station that manages to catch the samples before they plummet into Earth's atmosphere and burn up.  When going through the soil samples, a microscopic bit of extra-terrestrial life is discovered.  It's just a single-celled organism, and it looks dead, but the biologist thinks it's just hibernating.  Once he manages to wake it back up, however, you know what happens!  That's right.  All hell breaks loose!

Let's start with the cast.  Ryan Reynolds (Green Lantern, Deadpool) plays Flight Engineer Rory Adams, Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko, Nightcrawler) plays Crew Medical Officer Dr. David Jordan, Hiroyuki Sanada (47 Ronin) plays Systems Engineer Sho Murakami, and Rebecca Ferguson plays Dr. Miranda North from the CDC.  I don't know any of the rest of the cast, but obviously these are all veteran actors anchoring what I would say is the pretty bog-standard plot of an alien sci-fi horror movie:  Recovered alien escapes to wreak havoc!  Then again, just because it's been done before, doesn't mean these guys didn't do an excellent job of it.

This was an expensively-done movie.  Just hiring the cast would have cost tens of millions of dollars, and I'm surprised I haven't heard more about this movie before now.  It almost looks like they borrowed the real ISS to shoot the scenes in, which is just crazy talk.  Aside from the excellently-done special effects, I fucking love that they named the alien Calvin, and it has a personality all its own.  No nudity, but there's lots of blood, and how do you go wrong with a Martian named Calvin?  That's right, you just can't.  I'm a little pressed for time tonight, so I can't really give this movie all the love it deserves, but I would definitely watch it again.  It flows really well from beginning to end, and though I saw the end coming a mile away, it was still a fun ride getting there.  Check this one out on Starz Edge, if you get the chance.

That's all for tonight!  Catch you guys tomorrow for another horror movie review!  Can I do it?  Can I review 31 movies in one month?  I've done it 8 times before, but who knows!  Maybe this is the year I will fail!  Won't that be funny, and simultaneously, horrific?  :-D

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

#23 - Stickman (2017), #24 - Howard The Duck (1986)

We're in the home stretch!  Only a week to go before All Hallow's Eve, and I hope everyone's ready for it!  Do you have enough candy for the kiddies?  Is your costume all set?  Have you watched enough scary movies?  I hope the answer to the last one is no, because there's still a week's worth left of movies to review, here on my blog!  The 2017 October Horror Movie Review-A-Thon isn't over just yet!

Stickman (2017) starts with a mental patient in a hospital, a fair beginning to a large number of horror movies.  Apparently, something called the Stickman was responsible for a number of deaths, killing kids with nightmares in their sleep.  A ten-year old girl lost her mother and sister to the Stickman, and has been in a mental institution since then.  Fortunately for this mental patient, she seems to have conquered her demons, and has been nightmare-free for almost a year now.  In a few months, she will turn 18, and the hospital is ready to release her to a transition home.  That's good news, but if she didn't really kill her family, then where's the Stickman?

Stickman seems to be a cheap knock-off of Freddy Krueger, with less character, less acting talent, and less budget, and I didn't even like the Freddy Krueger movies.  I don't know anyone in the entire cast of Stickman, and judging from the IMDB page on this movie, neither does anyone else.  There's barely a few flickers of dream-images from Stickman haunting nightmares, and then he's released into the real world where a bunch of teenage girls scream and run and get slaughtered for the duration of the movie.  There's nothing here to enjoy, remember, or take note of, but if you want to waste your time checking it out for yourself, there's always Syfy Channel.  Moving on, because Stickman isn't worth wasting time on.

Howard the Duck (1986) opens with Howard, a humanoid space-duck, coming home from work at his boring job as an advertising executive.  Howard cracks open a cold one, sits down in his favorite easy chair to watch TV, and is then sucked into a beam of energy that transports him to Earth.  Howard doesn't know how he arrived here on Earth, but he meets up with Beverly, the lead singer in an all-girls band, who are still struggling to get gigs in bars.  Beverly's friend Phil is a janitor at a museam, but he knows a few scientists, and they think they might know just exactly how Howard arrived...

Howard the Duck is Marvel's most enduring superhero movie, made long before the Thor, Hulk and Iron-Man remakes.  While those movies have long since been played out on network TV, Howard the Duck is still going strong on the premium channels, where I caught it.  Leah Thompson (Back to the Future) plays Beverly, Tim Robbins (Shawshank Redemption) plays Phil, and Jeffrey Jones (Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Who's Your Caddy?) plays Dr. Jennings, one of Phil's scientist friends.  These three veteran actors are basically the main cast, in addition to the team of actors who played Howard.  Come for an adorably cute Leah Thompson in panties, snuggling up to a three-foot tall space-duck, stay to watch a pre-Oscar-winner Tim Robbins get his head dunked into a muddy river while trying to repair the gas line on a lawn-mower-engine-powered hang glider!  :-D  Where else are you going to see all that, in one movie?  This was what George Lucas did, between Star Wars trilogies!  If that's not ample reason to check this movie out, I don't know what is.  I've watched Howard the Duck every time I've seen it on TV, since I first saw it in 1986, and I am going to keep watching it, every damn time.  It's that funny, and that good.

What qualifies this as a horror movie, and makes it eligible for a review in October, you ask?  Well, Howard is constantly mistaken for a kid in a duck costume for the entire movie, for one thing.  Two, he's a space-duck, possibly with space-rabies!  "Is that a thing?" one of the characters in the movie asks.  "I don't know, I think I heard something about that!" answers another.  Also, spoiler alert, Dr. Jennings turns into a Dark Overlord of the Universe, and intends to bring down his demonic allies from the Nexus of Sominus, a dimension in space where demons dwell, and invade the entire Earth!  If that's not scary fucking shit right there, I'm not sure what is.  Props go to the Dark Overlords of the Universe, for being the most evil and alien-looking space monster I have ever seen in any movie in my entire life.  How does a three-foot space-duck with no discernible super-powers defeat a Dark Overlord of the Universe, you ask?  Watch the movie, and find out!  Where do you find it?  Check the premium channels, or maybe, or even YouTube.  It's got to be playing somewhere, dammit!

One last thing I'd like to mention, when you think of Iron Man, or the Hulk, or even Thor, does their theme song play in your head?  They don't even have their own theme songs, do they?  No, they don't.  Not only does Howard have his own rockin' theme song, but it's the catchiest theme song of any superhero movie, since Spider-Man of the 1970's.  Watch Beverly and the Cherry Bombs playing it at the end of the movie, and it'll get stuck in your head forever!  It goes "Howard the Duck!  Yeah!  Ain't no way to conceal it!  And he shot an arrow, straight through my heart!"  Yes, Beverly, your heart and mine.  Your heart and mine.

That's all for tonight.  It's almost time for dinner, and I have other horror movies to check out.  I'm all caught up on my horror movie reviews now, so I'll see you guys tomorrow for another review!  :-)

Sunday, October 22, 2017

#22 - The Babysitter (2017)

It's apparently Leslie Bibb weekend here on Scrolls of Wisdom, becase she was in last night's movie (Trick 'R Treat) as well.  Purely coincidence, but that's fine, I love doing marathon songs or movies involving a single artist.  I mostly decided to review this one because I had a friend of mine asking me if this movie was any good or not, and I'd been seeing it on advertised on Netflix the last week or two.

The Babysitter (2017) is about Cole, a teen boy who, shall we say, is not the most popular kid.  In fact, Cole's a geeky nerd.  He gets picked on at school, and by the neighborhood kids, especially a gang of bike-riding thugs led by Jeremy, a kid who likes to regularly throw eggs at Cole's home.  Luckily, Cole has Bee, his bad-ass babysitter, who always has his back!  Melanie, Cole's neighbor, casually mentions that most babysitters like to get funky with their boyfriends after their charges go to sleep, and Cole becomes curious.  Just what exactly DOES Bee do, while Cole sleeps?   Cole's parents are away for the weekend, so why not find out?

I don't know any of the actors in the entire cast except Leslie Bibb, who plays Cole's mom.  Leslie Bibb does not have a lot of screen time in this movie, but she does a good job for when she's there.  Samara Weaving plays Bee, who is apparently Hugo Weaving's niece, or something?  Most of the actors did a decent job, and the special effects were good enough to get the point across, which is all that matters.  I know this doesn't sound like a horror movie so far, but it definitely heads that way, so I am pretty sure this is a horror movie.  Hell, it's got big creepy-looking spiders in it, and i hate spiders, so it qualifies as horror as far as I am concerned!  :-D

The Babysitter is on Netflix if anyone wants to check it out.  I don't know if I'd watch it again, other than to check out Samaara Weaving, who is definitely the kind of babysitter I would've wanted, growing up.  Shame, my parents both worked and pretty much left me to wander the streets at night, in leiu of adult supervision.  :-/  So much for hot babysitter fantasies!  But hey, you never know if there's going to be a babysitter sequel!  Let's hope!  I'd like to see more of Bee in a bikini.  :-D

That's all for tonight!  More horror to watch.  Catch you guys tomorrow with another review!

Saturday, October 21, 2017

#21 - Trick 'R Treat (2007)

There are few horror movies that embody the spirit of Halloween; that fall atmosphere, the kids going trick-or-treating, that feeling like you're walking past a graveyard all evening.  Halloween (1978) did a good job of it, taking us through a day with Laurie Strode as she was being stalked by Michael Myers.  There were other stories besides Laurie's, interwoven with hers, and that's what made Halloween such an excellent Halloween movie, still played every Halloween, to this very day.

Trick 'R Treat (2007) begins at the end of Halloween night, and flashes back over the course of the evening, telling a bunch of different stories from a bunch of different characters, all interwoven into the fun and horror of Halloween night.  There's the story of Laurie, a virgin looking for her first date.  There's the story of Steven, local school principal.  There's the story of Emma and her husband, heading home after a night of partying.  There's the story of Mr. Kreeg, retired bus driver.  There's the story of some kids, looking for Jack-O-Lanterns, in order to play a little Halloween prank.  And of course, there's the story of Sam, a little kid out Trick-or-Treating, all by his lonesome...

Trick 'R Treat is probably the best anthology of horror stories I have ever seen.  Most anthologies focus on each separate segment with some sort of over-arching tale to try and wrap the stories together, like a bunch of ghost stories being told around a fire on a camping trip.  Trick 'R Treat weaves back and forth between the stories of everyone in the entire movie, something I normally hate, because it's usually so hard to follow.  That's not a problem here, because each story focuses on its own set of main characters.  You might be a little confused going into this movie, but you'll understand every little detail coming out of it.

Trick 'R Treat is a well-made, beautifually acted movie that for some odd reason, went directly to video.  Anna Paquin (True Blood) is Laurie, Dylan Baker (Dr. Connors from Spider-Man) is Principal Wilkins, Leslie Bibb is Emma, and Brian Cox is Mr. Kreeg.  Everyone seemed just right for their chosen roles, and the plot of this whole interwoven story is just incredible.  I caught this on SyFy, so there's a good chance they'll play it again at some point.  I also have it on DVD, because this movie is good enough to own.  I've watched this movie every October since it came out, and just like John Carpenter's 1978 movie, this is one of my Halloween traditions.

Trick 'R Treat drips with atmosphere, from the streets lit with Jack-O-Lanterns and littered with dead leaves, to the kids out trick-or-treating, and the adult-themed parties going on around them.  There's a a big deal made about the traditions of Halloween, and one kid even mentions watching Charlie Brown, one of my favorite yearly traditions around Halloween.  Watch this movie for the atmosphere and the scares, the creepiness and the horrific details, and for crying out loud, keep your eyes open for little Sam.  You never know when he's going to come Trick-or-Treating at your house.  And keep those lanterns lit!

That's all for tonight.  Other horror movies to watch.  :-D

Friday, October 20, 2017

#20 - 1922 (2017)

Yes, the title of this post is all numbers, no, it's not an error.  #20 is the review number, 1922 is the title of the movie (also a year), and (2017) is the year the movie was released (this one, in case you forgot what year this was, you time-addled nincompoop).  Everyone with me?  Good.  Moving on.

1922 (2017) is about a year in the life of a farmer.  Wilfred James has 80 acres of corn on a farm in Nebraska, something he is almost as proud of as his son, Henry James.  Wilfred plans to leave his 80 acres of corn to his son, but it would be nicer if Wilfred had his wife Arlette's 100 acres to give to Henry, too.  The only trouble is, Arlette wants to sell those acres to the local pig farmer, and move to Omaha and open a dress shop.  Wilfred can't stand the thought of a pig farmer right next door, or moving to Omaha, but his wife won't budge.  Not only is Arlene determined to sell her acreage, but she's going to want full custody of Henry, too!  What's a man to do...?

1922 is on Netflix, just out a day or two ago, and based on a short story by Stephen King.  Thomas Jane (The Mist, Dreamcatcher) plays Wilfred, Molly Parker plays Arlette, and Dylan Schmidt plays Henry.  Netflix is reportedly spending 8 billion on original content next year, so to say they make good quality movies is an understatement.  This movie wasn't exactly anything new or horrfying (it's based on an old stephen king short story, after all), but it is definitely a well-made horror flick.  I wouldn't watch it again (nothing innovative to really draw me back), but it was a fun watch the first time arund.

I'm not sure why i started watching this movie looking for inconsistencies.  As soon as I realized the entire movie was based in 1922, I started looking for wristwatches, smartphones, and anything else I could find to laugh at.  I found nothing in the first few minutes, and then I realized I had stopped looking.  The only problem I really have with the way this movie unfolds, is that the entire thing is essentially one big flashback.  Meh.  I suppose it works, for this story.

SO, managed to catched Syfy's premiere of Superstition, which is probably Syfy's answer to Supernatural, Buffy, or any one of the other "Scooby gang solves supernatural mystery" shows that are on TV nowadays.  I was watching it because of Mario Van Peebles, whom I recall from "Full Eclipse" (one of the few decent werewolf movies I've seen), and it seems like they've pulled a "Sleepy Hollow" on me, yet again.  To explain would only give away the plot of the pilot episode, and I don't want to do that.  I'll keep an eye on Superstition and let you guys know if it's any good.  So far, it's meh.

That's all for tonight.  Catch you guys tomorrow with my next review!  :-D

Thursday, October 19, 2017

#18 Plague of Zombies (1966), #19 The Reptile (1966)

It's not always easy to find horror films to watch.  To this day, they are looked upon with scorn by the rest of Hollywood, instead of being exalted as the incredible art form that they are.  Not too many channels offer a good selection of horror, not even during October.  Syfy offers some (not necessarily good ones), the premium channels offer a few, and thankfully, Turner Classic Movies offers a selecion of older ones.

The Plague of the Zombies (1966) is about a doctor on vacation, trying to get some fishing done.  Unfortunately, he recieves a letter from an old student asking him for help.  It seems there is some sort of plague afflicting a nearby town, and the old doctor's daughter would love to see her old childhood friend, who is now married to the doctor's old student.  Things get a little complicated, but it seems there has been a rash of deaths in the village, deaths for which there is no explanation...

Plague of the Zombies is a product of Hammer film studios, which horror aficionadoes will recognize as one of the better horror-movie-makers.  Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing aren't in this one, and I honestly couldn't tell you any of the other actors from a bum on the street, but Hammer studios made this one, so the acting and production quality are about as good as one of those Christopher Lee Dracula movies.  I caught this one on Turner Classic movies if you want to check it out, and while the plot wasn't quite as exciting as a Dracula movie, it still wasn't bad.  On the plus side, I've never seen it before, so that's nice.

The Reptile (1966) is about a man and his wife, who move into a house that was recently bequeathed to him by his now-dead brother.  The brother died under mysterious circumstances, and things don't seem quite right in the village near the man's house.  A local bartender fills the man in on the myterious deaths that have recently plagued the locals, and the man and the bartender begin to investigate...

Christopher Lee and peter Cushing aren't in this one either, and I also don't know any of the actors in this one.  Sadly, the acting and plot in this movie aren't even as good as Plague of the Zombies, but it wasn't a bad watch.  It was a hammer film studios production, after all.  I hadn't seen it before, so now I have, though I don't think I'd watch it again.  Still, I caught it on Turner Classic Movies, so if you want to watch either of these, TCM is your best bet.

The only thing of interest between these two movies is that they seemed to be shot at the same location, and scenes in the village and graveyard look like slightly different views of the same exact place.  There's also an old mansion that looks like the same place in both movies, again shot from slightly different angles to make them look different.  I suppose it makes sense, since these two movies came out from the same studio during the same year.  I imagine the equivalent in this day and age would be a Syfy film using the same rented house for two different movies, or perhaps a few different Roger Corman productions back in the 80's. Just something to look for, if you watch both of these movies back-to-back.  If you don't, you probably won't notice.  Pretty sure they used some of the same actors, too, in diferent roles.

In other news, I am feeling a bit better, though yesterday was pretty much wasted trying to recover from the flu.  Hopefully I am back on track with my movie reviews now, so I'll see you guys tomorrow night for another review!  Week and a half to go til Halloween!  Wheeee!  Horror!  Candy!  Weird-looking costumed midgets attacking my house with eggs and toilet paper!  Man, I look forward to this all year.  :-D

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

#17 - Neverknock (2017)

Some horror movies are about haunted houses, or haunted people, or haunted cars, or haunted replacement body parts.  There's even a few horror movies about haunted dolls.  I guess anything can be haunted, if you really think about it.  I try not to think about it.  It makes me pee myself, and then my tiger-striped furry thong underwear becomes haunted.  If that's not a horrifying image, I'm not sure what is.

Neverknock (2017) begins in 1986, where a trio of kids knock on a house on Halloween night, looking for candy and treats.  Next thing you know, the door flies open, the youngest kid disappears, and all hell breaks loose.  Thus begins the legend of Neverknock, the house you are never supposed to visit, never supposed to go up to the door, and never supposed to knock.  Of course, because this is a horror movie, you just know someone does.  In fact, it turns into a tradition for the kids in this town, to go up to the Neverknock door and...  knock on it.  Thrity years later, a bunch of new teens go up to the door to knock, and...  you guessed it!  All hell breaks loose.

This is another Syfy horror movie, but it's not horrible.  Special effects aren't bad, and neither was the acting.  Jodelle Ferland (Case 39, Dark Matter) is Leah, Dominique Provost-Chalkley (Avengers: Age of Ultron, Wynonna Earp) plays Grace, and Lola Flanery (I got nothin?) plays Jenna.  Props go to Syfy this week for having Leah and Grace be the first lesbian romantic couple I've ever seen in a Syfy horror movie.  At least, that seems to be the intention.  Things go haywire and the horror breaks out before anything goes anywhere.  I mean, this is Syfy, it's not like they're going to show full frontal nudity.  I'd watch Syfy a lot more if they did.  Dialogue was kind of forgettable, and I can't say I'd watch this movie again, because it wasn't really that good.  But hey, if you want to take a gander at the usual mix of attractive teens making stupid mistakes, catch this one on Syfy.  They'll probably show it again at some point this month.  They love showing their old movies over and over.

In other news, I still don't feel well.  I blame the flu, but it could be the fever.  Jury's still out on that one, and why a jury is deciding why I don't feel well, I'll never understand.  But I waved my haunted tiger-stripe thong at them, and they all ran away.  There's a horror move that needs to be made.  "The Haunted Tiger Stripe Thong of Dunsmere Road."  Best.  Horror.  Movie.  EVER!  Totally hope I get credited for that one.  I at least came up with the title.

That's all for tonight.  Catch you guys tomorrow, if I'm still alive.  I don't think the flu will get me, but the thong might.

Monday, October 16, 2017

#15, #16 - Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988), The Sandman (2017)

Yep, you knew it was coming.  That "other" killer Clown movie, Killer Klowns From Outer Space.  I came down with the flu yesterday, and couldn't finish yesterday's review, so I have two movies to review today.  Since I feel like crap, let's just get to it, shall we?

Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988), aka KKFOS, begins tranquilly enough.  A young couple, Mike and his sweetheart, Debbie, are hanging out at Makeout Point, ahem, well, making out (what a coincidence!), when a meteor flashes by overhead, and crashes nearby.  Of course, instead of continuing to make out, Debbie just wants to go and see it.  Women!  Mike and Debbie drive out into the wilderness, and run into what appears to be a giant circus tent, out in the middle of the forest.  Not being too bright, Mike and Debbie head inside to see what the circus clowns are up to.  Inside the tent is a maze of brightly-colored corridors and weird scientific equipment, and Debbie (who is apparently smarter than Mike) finally comes to realize, they are inside the crash-landed meteor!  :-o  They try to exit the tent, only to be chased out by angry clowns, and that's just the first ten minutes of the movie.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space is a B-movie, but it's a B-movie with heart.  Acting is decent, with Grant Cramer (now mostly a producer) as Mike, Suzanne Snyder (Weird Science, Return of the Living Dead 2) as Debbie, and John Allen Nelson (who I don't know from adam), as Dave, the friendly cop, and Debbie's ex-boyfriend.  Yeah, there's a crazy love triangle in this movie, too!  John Vernon (Dirty Harry, Josey Wales, Animal House, now sadly deceased) plays a curmudgeonly old cop who absolutely refuses to believe that Killer Klowns are invading his town, no matter how much evidence starts to pile up.  Special effects are good, especially all the effects around the Killer Klowns.  No nudity, but there's almost a shower scene.  Keep a close eye out for the Shadow Puppet scene, featuring the best use of shadow puppets I have seen in a movie thus far.  I saw this movie on MPLEX, which I guess is a premium channel, so start looking there if you want to see it.  I have no idea what MPLEX stands for, though.  Multiplex?  Metroplex?  Man-Plex?  Who knows?  Checking Grant Cramer's acting history on, I also discovered that they are planning to make a KKFOS 2!  :-D  I've seen KKFOS about a dozen times, and I cannot wait for the sequel.

The Sandman (2017) gets you into the story right off.  Madison and her father are driving at night, and as a cop car approaches from behind, madison's dad pulls a revolver from the glove box.  The cop car speeds past, and the father relaxes.  Madison's dad breaks into a convenience store for food and supplies, but while he's gathering up items (and attempting to pay for them), it becomes obvious that he's not the only one in the store.  He investigates, only to find his daughter.  "Is he here?"  the dad asks, and Madison nods.  Obviously, they both know who "he" is.  The Sandman has come.

This is a Syfy movie of the week, but don't let that stop you from watching it.  It's actually pretty good.  Acting and special effects are about normal for a syfy flick, with Haylie Duff playing Claire and Tobin Bell playing Valentine, and those are about the only two actors I recognized.  I think maybe they got better writers, because this movie not only had a decent plot to it, but it seemed well written, and flowed along rather quickly.  My only problems with this movie are (spoilers) that I'm not sure why the Sandman actually went after madison's dad, or how Valentine was able to capture Madison at all.  If the Sandman can stop a brick that Madison didn't even see coming, why couldn't he stop a few sleep-darts?  Makes no sense.  (shrug)  Oh well, I guess those writers still aren't quite top-notch.

That's all for tonight.  I feel like poop, so enjoy the rest of your evening.  Til next time!

Saturday, October 14, 2017

#14 - Saturday the 14th (1981)

I was going to review "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" tonight, colloquially known as the "other" killer clown movie (besides IT), but it is saturday the 14th.  I might have missed the opportunity to review one of the Friday the 13th movies on friday the 13th, but I can't possibly let the 14th go by without reviewing the only movie ever made with the title Saturday the 14th!  Actually, there were two movies called that, this movie and the sequel, appropriately called "Saturday the 14th strikes back," or some shit, and not "Sunday the 15th," which would have made more sense.

Saturday the 14th (1981) is about a family who inherits an old house from a deceased relative, and moves into it.  The young boy of the family finds an old book called "The Book of Evil," and starts reading it.  The book describes a curse that is supposed to come due on Saturday the 14th, which just happens to be only 2 days away.  Also inside the book are pictures of monsters, and as the boy reads the book, the monsters are released from the pages.  The house quickly fills with monsters, and the book disappears.  Can the boy and his family fend off the monsters, find the book, and break the curse, all before...  Saturday, the 14th?  :-o

Saturday the 14th is an early spoof, something along the lines of Airplane and a few other movies.  This movie isn't just a series of stupid skits, loosely strung together to poke fun, but has a fairly coherent plot.  Richard Benjamin plays the dad, Paula Prentiss plays the mom, and a much younger Jeffrey Tambor plays Waldemar, one of the people after the book.  This is more of a horror-comedy than a horror movie, but it's kind of goofy-scary-kooky at times.  Not a bad movie, more of a kid-focused story than most horror flicks, and really, isn't that what Halloween is all about?  Scaring the bejeesus out of the kids?  Yeah!

I've made it a point to watch this movie whenever a Saturday the 14th comes around, just for kicks.  Fun things to watch for are whenever someone opens the refrigerator, the goofy hijinks that ensue whenever the dad wanders around the house, and the teenage daughter's bathtub scene.  No nudity, but she reminds me of my childhood friend's older sisters, and that sure brings back the memories!  Sigh.  Anyway, enough perving.  I love how whenever they open the door to try and leave, there's a horrible storm out there, but whenever someone arrives, there's no storm at all.  Why don't they just leave the house then?  That would make sense.  Nope!  Wait til the person comes in, THEN try and open the door, and look, there's the storm again!  Drat it!  Funny through most of it, short movie, not a bad watch.  Hard to find, though.  I had to look this up on YouTube just to watch it, but the entire movie is up there.  Enjoy, if you like.

In other news, the Exorcists are still running around (exorcising, if you will?  BWAHAHAHAHA), trying to hook up with the foster family that is in desperate need of a cleaning lady, err, I mean, a cleansing.  I don't know who's actually possessed in that foster family yet, but goshdarnit, when I find out, there will be hell to pay!  Or, all hell will break loose.  Something will happen, and there's almost a 64% chance that it will involve Hell.  Yeah!

Marvel's Inhumans are still running around Hawaii, trying to find each other, although King Black Bolt and Queen Medusa recently hooked up.  Karnak's off futzing around with the locals, and Gorgon's still stomping through the jungle.  Honestly, I'm a little confused by the timeline, here, seems like Gorgon's been running through the jungle for days, while Black Bolt and his new buddy have been hanging out at this goofy Lab for days, and Medusa's been pal-ing around with her new doctor friend forever.  I'm getting a little bored by all this running-around-lost crap.  Hookup already, and get shit done!  More shooty-shooty, less talky-talky!  And wtf was up with Black Bolt finding the only human-born inhuman in all of hawaii, and just abandoning his ass when shit gets crazy?  Wtf, dude?  I thought you liked Inhumans!

And wtf is this shit where the only normal human on Attilan somehow becomes the most powerful person there?  Explain to me how his rhetoric of "destroy the class system, free the slaves" somehow equates to all the seemingly human guards patrolling the castle, and all the Inhumans still digging away in the mines?  Wouldn't one of them go "Gee, that sounds like a good idea, us leaving the mines!  Let's go take over the palace while black bolt is gone!"  No?  Why not?  And why the heck is everyone so blindingly loyal to the only non-inhuman in an entire city full of inhumans, but there's seemingly not one single loyal person in the entirely of Attilan who would stay loyal to the King, who just happens to be Inhuman?  I don't get it.

In fact, why not just use whatever Inhuman or device you used to nullify all their powers in the first place?  Sure, there was an orange ZAP and down went Queen Medusa, and the same thing happened to the big dog, Lockjaw.  What, it only works twice?  It's only good to make it seem super easy to take down the royal family in their own city, but it doesn't work on Earth?  How's that shit even make sense?  This show seems stupid.  I hate stupid shows, and this show is like the king of stupid shows right now.  Karnak seems like the only one who actually wants to use his powers, and he can't, because he lost them.  Of course he has.  Stupid show.  I'll keep watching the show to see what's up with Karnak, and Crystal's dog, because Lockjaw is just cool  Why doesn't he bite anyone?  Honestly, he's a bulldog the size of a pony, ffs!  Bite somebody!  The rest of the show is just goofy.

Okay, that's all for tonight.  Yay!  I reviewed Saturday the 14th, ON Saturday the 14th!  I R AWESUM!  You guys enjoy the weekend, and I'll have more reviews for you tomorrow, hopefully.

Friday, October 13, 2017

#13 - 13 Cameras (2015)

I usually do a Friday the 13th review on Friday the 13th, especially when that Friday the 13th falls in the month of October, where the Friday the 13th movies are usually shown en masse on a whole crapload of channels.  I think I've reviewed every single Friday the 13th movie out there on every other Friday the 13th there ever was (even a couple Saturday the 14ths), so I am not going to review a Friday the 13th movie this Friday the 13th.  Whew.  That's alotta Friday the 13ths!

13 Cameras (2015) is about a married couple expecting a baby, that move into a new house that they are renting from some dude.  The wife doesn't like the "some dude" they are renting the house from, and I only call him that because you don't actually learn his name until the end of the movie, so for the first hour, you'll be calling him "that guy" like the wife does.  "That guy" smells bad, and speaks in one-word sentences, and looks creepy as hell.  But, as we all know, looks can be decieving!

I don't know any of the actors in this movie, but I guess the acting was passably okay.  This isn't my usual kind of monster movie in that, hey, there's no actual monsters, but a friend told me about this movie, and suggested I watch it.  So, I did!  Also, it's the only movie I've seen recently that had "13" in the title, and since it IS Friday the 13th, you're stuck with it!  Actually, while there maye not be any monsters in this movie, it is extremely creepy.  There's some nudity, so that's always fine for a straight nerd such as myself, and the womenfolks aren't too shabby-looking, so that's good.  Other than that, what else is there to say?  Passable acting, creepy movie, a few jump scares.  I probably wouldn't watch it again, because it's not really my type of movie, but I suppose it wasn't too bad the first time around.  Certainly qualifies as a horror movie, that's for sure.  I caught 13 Cameras on Netflix, so if you're looking to watch it, it's still up there.

In other news, The Orville finally got around to doing something more interesting thaan rehashing old Sci-Fi tropes.  Yes, it's a blatant knock-off of Star Trek, but that's not why I had a problem with it.  My problem was that the stories were the same tired old crap you'd find on reruns of Lost in Space.  Not the first episode of the orville, surely (where the Captain walks in on his wife having sex with a blue-skinned alien, that's certainly new) and not last night's episode (finally meeting the Krill was pretty cool, also, aren't krill microscopic shrimp?  just saying), but all the episodes in between felt like unfunny, boring filler material just to pad out the season.  I know not every episode can be about the Krill and their feud with humans (actually, why can't it?), but that sort of thing is certainly more interesting than a mid-level exploration vessel floating around space bumping into "rocks," aka "blobs of dark matter," no matter how hot Charlize Theron is.  Come on, Seth Mcfarlane, you can do it!  More funny, more shooty, and more of your first officer in bed with aliens!  Damn, that woman is hot.  Maybe the captain can hook up with that extra-strong girl alien, too.  I would totally tap that, whether she could toss me over her lap and spank me, or not.  On the other hand, some guys are into that kinda thing, so that's just a bonus.

Huh, I actually just looked up the cast of the Orville, and realized those women aren't just there as eye-candy.  Halston Sage plays Alara Kitan, and she was also in Scout's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, which I think I reviewed here last October.  Adrienne Palicki was actually Bobbi on Agents of SHIELD (I lusted after her there, too), which just goes to show me, these two ladies are also fine actresses in their own right.  My apologies, ladies!  If only we could see more of you, and I don't mean that in an entirely innocent way.  ;-)

Okay, that's all for tonight.  Got Exorcist and Inhumans coming up shortly, and I don't want to miss them.  I'll catch you guys tomorrow night with another review, and in the meantime, enjoy the rest of your lucky Friday the 13th!  Yeah!  I think I've said Friday the 13th more times in this review than anyone, ever, in the entire history of the world!  Friday the 13th, for the win!  Friday the 13th.  :-D

Thursday, October 12, 2017

#12 - Pet Sematary 2 (1992)

Continuing last night's Pet Sematary review, tonight we've got Pet Sematary 2!  :-D  I am sure there will be some more awesome movies on cable and TV this weekend, and if not, there's always netflix, so the mid-week, early october doldrums should be just about over.

Pet Sematay 2 (1992) is about a boy who loses his mom to a horrific prop accident while filming a hollywood horror movie, and then moves to the same town where Louis Creed brought his daughter's cat back to life in last night's movie.  This time around, the kid just has his veterinarian dad, and the dad has past issues with the bullying town sheriff, and he has to navigate all of this while there's a haunted Pet Sematary just at the outskirts of town.  I'm sure everything would have been just fine, but don't you know it, a pet dies, and that damn Pet Sematary raises another undead animal!  :-o

The success of the first pet sematary spawned this sequel just three years later, and while both movies seem like they were made for TV, this one has a tiny smidge of nudity in it.  This one is loaded with acting veterans this time, like Edward Furlong (Terminator 2) as the teenaged kid, Anthony Edwards as his dad, and Clancy brown as the Sheriff.  I don't think Clancy Brown has a good time being a Sheriff.  I've only seen him play two Sheriffs, and (minor spoiler) he dies both times.  I can recall being super excited that he was going to be the sheriff in the Sleepy Hollow series, but he died 9 minutes into the pilot episode.  NINE MINUTES IN!  I'm still a little miffed about that, quite honestly.  I was watching the series for him in the first place.  He plays a great villain, despite the fact that he probably wants to play the hero a few times, according to his page.  Well, he got to play a hero for 9 minutes.  I guess that's something?

This movie was not as good as the first Pet Sematary, despite the more experienced actors.  Everyone seemed to do a decent job, but it seemed like there wasn't much suspense or drama.  You pretty much knew what was going to happen, and it did.  No surprises, and even if there was, they weren't very dramatic.  This seemed to feel like a made-for-TV movie even more than the first one, which was a made-for-TV movie that didn't feel like one.  About the only continuity between these two films is the Pet Sematary, the indian burial ground behind it (that looks different now) and the mailbox that says "CREED" that some boys bicycle past.  Meh.  Oh well.  I also caught this one on Epix Drive-In, so if you want to watch it, start looking there, if you can. 

No other news tonight.  Tomorrow night is Friday the 13th, in October, no less!  :-D  What are the odds?  Actually i think we had one last year, too.  Oh.  Well, FINE THEN!  (pouts)  Yeah, I argue with myself a lot.  It makes for better reviews.  Catch you guys tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

#11 - Pet Sematary (1989)

I've never had a dog or a cat for a pet, though I have had fish.  When a fish dies, you just flush it.  There's no real ceremoney, no finding a plot in the backyard, no expensive fees from the Veterinarian for "putting the animal to sleep."  I've never had a use for a pet cemetery, though I'm sure such places exist.

Pet Sematary (1989) is a movie adaptation for another Stephen King story.  The title is misspelled because it was kids who wrote the sign for the Cemetery, misspelling the word as "Sematary."  Pet Sematary is about a doctor and his family who move to new place in the country.  There's a pretty busy road out in front of their home, and when their pet cat "Church" is hit by a truck and killed, they bury it in the cemetery.  Only, when something is buried in this cemetery, it doesn't stay dead.  It comes back...

Acting is pretty good in this film, with Dale Midkiff as Louis Creed, Denise Crosby (of Star Trek fame) playing his wife, Brad Greenquist playing Victor Pascow (the dead guy), and Fred Gwynne playing Jud Crandall, the elderly neighbor living across the street.  I'd say Fred Gwynne really anchors the whole cast in this movie.  Most people know Fred Gwynne from the Munsters, or his appearance as the judge in My Cousin Vinny, or Officer Muldoon in Car 54, Where are you?  If you really want to see his acting range, watch him in Pet Sematary, then check him out as Max Green in Disorganized Crime, where he plays a safe-cracker who becomes increasingly disgruntled at how badly his latest crime caper is going.  Then, realize that these two movies came out the very same year, 1989.  Sadly, he passed away in 1993, just 4 years after Pet Sematary movie came out.

A little bit more about Jud Crandall, the character Fred Gwynne plays.  Spoilers to follow, so if you don't want those, skip this paragraph.  I'd like to say he's just an old man in this movie, but I am not sure if that's absolutely correct.  The minute the Creeds move into the house across his street, he's already keeping an eye on them.  First, he saves their son from dying a horrible death, just to ingratiate himself into their good graces.  Then, their cat dies, on Jud's property.  Sure, it COULD have been an accident.  MAYBE the cat was just hit by a car.  But was it?  Then, he's showing Louis the way to the Pet Sematary (the other one), and he's moving like a man a third of his age.  Sure, maybe it's just because Jud's a farmer, and Louis is a big-city doctor, and Jud's in a lot better shape than the doc is...  but is it?  They climb rocky cliffs, travel over log barricades and up and down hills, and Jud's always way out in front of the doc.  "Just a little farther, Doc." Jud keeps calling back.  The old man's not even breaking a sweat by the time they get there, and then he stops and has a cigarette, like he has breath to spare.  Louis Creed would never have found that old cemetery by himself, not without Jud's help.  Old man, what kind of game are you playing at?  Are you even really an old man?  I wonder!

I caught Pet Sematary on Epix Drive-In, one of the premium channels, if you guys want to check it out.  Obviously I've seen it before, so it certainly passes the rewatchability test.  Few effects to speak of, and they age well.  I'd certainly watch it again, so check it out if you haven't already.  Good way to introduce kids to the concept of death, as Jud says. Let them watch Pet Sematary, I say!  If that doesn't introduce them to the concept of death, I'm not sure what will.  It's how I learned, and look how great I turned out!  Actually, this movie came out when I was 19, so, I probably had a small grasp of what death was before this.  Maybe.

Kooky and creepy little coincidence, while I was looking this movie up on  I'm listening to Halloween music on the "sounds of the season" music channel, typing up this review, and I'm looking up the cast of the movie to see what they're doing nowadays.  Obviously the younger cast members are all grown up, and I'm guessing the older cast members are probably retired by now.  So I'm looking up Denise Crosby, because I remember her from Star Trek (where she played Tasha Yar), and I see she's doing a movie called "Itsy-Bitsy" that's due out in 2018.  At that moment, the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" song plays on the sounds of the season music channel.  Just one of those creepy Halloween coincidences, right?  Sure!  (laughs nervously)  Sure it was...  OR WAS IT?  :-o

No other news to discuss tonight.  Hope everyone is enjoying the fall colors, or spending their every waking moment watching horror movies!  Yes!  Can you think of a more fun existence?  I can't!  Well, maybe not every waking moment.  There's that whole eating and sleeping thing to deal with.  Yeah.  Til next time!

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

#10 - Truth or Dare (2017)

I can't say as I ever really liked playing Truth or Dare, not even when I was a kid, and certainly not as an adult.  I don't think anyone ever tells the truth, and the dares just get real stupid real fast, and then the game is over.  Not really sure why anyone would bother.  Wouldn't spin the bottle just be easier?  Meh, what do I know?  I haven't been a teen since 1990.

Truth or Dare (2017) was Syfy's movie on sunday night.  Apparently they are playing new movies on the weekends this month,  Lucky ...  us?  This one is about a bunch of teens who rent a scary house with a haunted past to play a game of truth or dare.  Things begin to go downhill almost immediately, as these sort of things do.  On the plus side, all hell did not break loose, so...  I guess that's good?

Cassie Scerbo of Sharknado fame was the only actress I recognized in this movie.  This movie involved your typical group of teens tossed into a meat-grinder of turture-porn, which is a kind of movie I completely and unabashaedly loathe.  Typical level of acting for one of Syfy's movies, and nothing out of the ordinary here.  I wouldn't watch it again, but if you feel like checking it out, sniff around Syfy for your torture-porn fix.

One thing that bothered me about this movie, is that there was absolutely no explanation for the "force" or whatever was making these people act out their truths or dares.  None whatsoever.  No ghosts, no hauntings, no spirits of the undead, nothing.  Just a bunch of teens in the house and WHAM torture porn!  Not even any warning.  Normally, I don't think an explanation for the otherworldly events is entirely necessary, but it seemed important for this movie, for some reason.  Mostly because, there wasn't any reason whatever for any of this to happen, except, Syfy wanted to show some people torturing themselves.  Why?  No reason!

Also, the people arrive at this supposedly "scary" rent-a-place, and the doors are covered in cobwebs.  They walk in, and the polished wooden floors are so shiny you'd think the cleaning crew had just walked off-screen.  I don't get it.  Why cobweb up the door but leave the rest of the house looking like they had just sold it to rich folks?  I got nothin.

In other news, I'm keeping up with "The Gifted" on Mondays.  Nothing particularly plot-worthy happened in last night's episode, but nothing so horrible happened that I'm going to stop watching it, either.  I'll let you guys know when shit gets interesting.  Lucifer was getting kind of stupid, because apparently this season, he's an angel again.  I guess now he's back to being his old devilish self, so maybe I'll keep watching it.  I also caught "Valor," just one of the new shows about special military operations groups.  Much like the other navy seals show with David Boreanaz, it's boring as shit.  Too much talky-talky, not enough shooty-shooty.  I got bored and shut it off 13 minutes in.  The one with David boreanaz didn't even get that far.

That's all for tonight.  Catch you guys tomorrow with another horror movie review!  Definitely not something from Syfy again.  Ugh.  You'd think I'd have learned my lesson that those movies suck by now, but no!  I guess I'm a slow learner.  :-/

Monday, October 9, 2017

#8 - House of the Witch (2017), #9 - The Wailing (2017)

I watched a couple horror movies yesterday, but I didn't finish watching the second one til late, so I didn't get a chance to write up the reviews.  Let's catch up today with a double feature!  :-D

House of the Wtich (2017) is about a group of bored teens who decide to break into an old mansion on Halloween, and steal some items from inside the place.  Turns out the house is rumored to be the home of a witch, and when bad things start to happen, the teens begin to think that the rumors might actually be true.

I caught House of the Witch for the first time on Syfy channel, and that tells you a lot about the quality of this movie.  Acting is sub-par, there are no veteran actors to be found, the CGI is cheap and the location is mostly shot inside a boarded-up house.  About the only things this movie has going for it is the general attractiveness of the teenage cast, and the somewhat-coherent plot, which (minor spoiler, mostly given away by the title) involves the ghost of a witch.  I did kind of like the ending, which I won't spoil for you, if you want to catch this on Syfy at some point before the end of the month.  Would I watch it again?  No, probably not, although the witch was kind of attractive (eventually).

Syfy is promoting their usual "31 Days of Horror" for Halloween in October, which, if they hadn't been using that phrase for their own channel, I'd have used for my October Horror Movie Review-A-Thon.  To be fair, I probably came up with my idea to review 31 horror movies in october before Syfy came up with their 31 days of horror idea (OHMRAT is what, 8 years old now?), but let's not quibble.  They show bad horror movies, and I review them, so it's not like we're competing for viewers.  This year, Syfy is actually showing a few new horror movies, mostly on the weekends.  Sure, the movies aren't great, but hey, maybe you're bored and looking for something you haven't seen before, and maybe a light-horror Syfy movie of the week is right up your dark alley!  That... sounds wrong, somehow... but my point is, I wanted to make you guys aware that Syfy was showing new horror flicks this month.  Mission accomplished.  Moving on.

The Wailing (2016) is a Korean horror flick, which starts out rather horribly, and not in a bad way.  Seems there is a gruesome murder, and a police sargeant is called to the scene.  Apparently, a ginseng farmer butchered his wife, and possibly his entire family.  While investigating this crime, the Sargeant begins to realize the murderer is actually suffering from some sort of horrible disease, which causes his skin to erupt in a blistering rash.  Soon the rash begins to spread, triggering other horrific murders, and the Sargeant's own daughter is infected.  Can he find a cure for this mysterious disease before it takes his own daughter?

The Wailing is kind of a long movie, well over 2 hours, which makes it seem like it's a slow-starter.  There's a lot of promise that's shown in the first part, how mysterious the illness is, and the murders.  The acting is decent (hard to tell since it's a foreign-language film, but it seemed okay), and the effects are decent.  I don't think the second half of the movie lives up to the promise of the first half, but there's certainly a lot going on in this film, so you won't get bored.  I caught this one on Netflix if you want to watch it yourself.  I might watch it again, because it seems like one of those movies where I should have caught on to what was going on, and I just didn't get it until the end.  This movie was a bit confusing.  Either way, it wasn't a bad watch, certainly not the first time through.

In other news, yesterday was the last day of Oktoberfest, so I said to myself "Hey, let's pop online and see how drunk those wacky Germans are on the last day of Oktoberfest!"  and I answered myself "That's a great idea!" because I am alone most of the time, and have no one else to talk to, but myself.  So, I cue up some Oktoberfest Webcams, and see nothing but wet, dark alleys and mostly-dark buildings.  On one of the live webcams, I saw a couple guys come out of a building, toss something onto a pile of building materials, and then the camera cut to another view.  Then I remembered that there was a big time difference between here and there, and realized Oktoberfest was already over!  "Missed it by THAT MUCH!" I said to myself, in the voice of Maxwell Smart.  "That was the worst Maxwell Smart impression I've ever heard." I observed.  Indeed.

Whew, all caught up, and two brand-spanking-new movies got reviewed for a change!  Wheeeeee!  Now I get to "Netflix and chill" with myself for the rest of the day!  If that's even possible.  Happy Columbus Day?  Sure, why not!  See you guys tomorrow!  :-D

Saturday, October 7, 2017

#7 - Club Dread (2004)

Following on the heels of last night's horror-comedy, Idle Hands, comes another horror comedy, Club Dread.  I picked this movie for several reasons, not least of which is the sloshy beer-and-alcohol fueled theme of tonight's movie, which fits in well with the final weekend of Oktoberfest this weekend.  Also, it's got Bill Paxton in it, which just always makes a movie better.

Broken Lizard's Club Dread (2004) is about a pleasure resort off the coast of Costa Rica, called Pleasure island.  Pleasure Island is owned by Coconut Pete, a retired singer who spends his days boozing it up with the resort staff, and his nights with the more attractive female guests.  But there's a legend on the island, the legend of Machete Phil, who hacked his own winkie off with a machete, and still prowls the island to this very day...  Winkieless, and pissed off.

This movie is a lot of fun, and gets right into the goofy mix of nudity, killing and alcohol-induced hijinks in the first few minutes.  Bill Paxton plays Coconut Pete, the boozy retired singer who bought Pleasure Island, and there's a bunch of other people who I think made Super Troopers, or were in it, or something.  MC Gainey is Pete's bodyguard.  Brittany Daniel plays Jenny, the Aerobics Instructor for the island, who looks incredibly good in a bikini.  The acting is pretty decent for a horror comedy, which I guess isn't saying much, but hey, it works.  There's nudity, and gore, and lots of hot machete action.  Plus, Pena-lope, played by Jordan Ladd.  She's a gymnast.  Yeah.  Not much else to say about Club Dread, except it was good, and funny, and even a little scary in spots.  I've seen it before, and I'll watch it again, if only to see Brittany Daniel in a bikini.  I caught this on MoreMax, one of the Cinemax channels.

I meant to watch the premiere of Superstition on Syfy last night, but I missed it!  Cheesedoodles!  I did see more of Exorcist, which is slowly building up to the plot, I guess.  I saw Inhumans again, which still has the royal family running around hawaii, trying to find each other.  I hope they don't keep this up for long.  Not sure what they'd do once they got together, though.  Bemoan the loss of Attilan, and start up a business making surfboards?  Too stereotypical for hawaii, perhaps?  Yeah.

Okay, that's all I got for tonight, folks.  Catch you guys tomorrow night!

Friday, October 6, 2017

#6 - Idle Hands (1999)

At the end of a long day, there's nothing more relaxing than plopping your fat ass down in front of the screen, sipping a cold brew and enjoying some comfort foods.  To me, there's not much more comfortable than watching an old horror movie you know and love.  The Shining's a good one for that, or maybe Dog Soldiers, or even Idle Hands.

Idle Hands (1999) is mostly the story of teenaged Anton, a slacker who wants nothing more in life than to eat, sleep, and smoke a bong, while simultaneously lusting after his neighbor, Molly.  Anton wakes up early one morning to find his parents missing, and seeks out his stoner buddies, Mick and Pnub.  Looks like just another day of getting high for Anton, but there's a problem.  Mick and Pnub are out of weed, and there's a serial killer on the loose!  Can Anton successfully score some herb while avoiding a psycho killer, and still work up the nerve to tell Molly how he really feels about her?

Just like that first hit of marijuana after a long day, Idle Hands is comfort horror for the weary horror-movie fan.  Devon Sawa was pretty huge when this movie came out, but I don't think anyone even knows who he is, nowadays.  He does a bang-up job playing Anton, and Seth Green and Elden Henson play his stoner buddies, Mick and Pnub.  And wth kind of a name is Pnub, anyways?  Seth Green is still around, behind and in front of the camera, last I heard.  Vivica A. Fox plays a Druidic Priestess, sent to kill the evil spirit that is (CENSORED to prevent spoilers), who shows up early on in the movie. Of course, there's also Jessica Alba in this movie, who was 18 when she appeared here, briefly shown in just a bra and panties.  Damn, I'd like to (CENSORED because of explicit sexual language).  Sigh.  Yep, I'm a dirty old man who's going to hell.  :-)  See you guys there!

Idle Hands isn't a horror movie that takes itself very seriously, but it flows along very well.  At no point does the story lag, and Anton's misadventures while trying to score weed can be pretty amusing.  Then there's the whole horror-movie sub-plot, that's also actually quite entertaining, and scarier than some of the serious horror movies I've seen.  All of the characters seem to be pretty well fleshed out, entertaining in and of themselves.  I caught Idle Hands on one of the premium channels, but I just deleted the movie from my DVR, and I forgot what channel it was on.  Dangit!  Yeah, it's been one of those days.  Moving on.

Somehow, I even found Anton to be amusing to watch, even though we have absolutely nothing in common.  All he wants is to eat, sleep, get high, watch TV and hang out with Molly, and all I want is to eat, sleep, watch horror movies, play video games and hang out with Jessica Alba.  See?  Totally and completely different people, who have absolutely nothing in common whatsoever.  I'm surprised I identified so well with the guy.  I'm sure it's a testament to how hard Devon Sawa tried to nail this role, and the writing and dialogue were just pretty awesome.  So, if you can catch Idle Hands at some point this month, go for it.  It's a fun bit of horror, and did I mention, 18-year-old Jessica Alba?  Yeah.  Yeah.

I was going to review the next episode of Inhumans and let you guys know how it's going, but I finished early for a change, and Inhumans isn't on for another 20 minutes.  Oh well!  I'll watch it and let you guys know how it's going.  Til tomorrow night, have a nice weekend, and enjoy the horror while you can!  :-D

Thursday, October 5, 2017

#5 - Gerald's Game (2017)

Did you guys know Stephen King's "Christine" was the first horror novel I ever read?  Did I ever tell you that?  I saw my sister reading "The Stand" when I was 7 years old, and being a general lover of books at the time, I asked her if I could read it.  She said she wasn't done with it yet, but handed me "Christine," and suggested I start with that one.  "It's scary." she warned me.  I nodded, dismissively.  Even at 7 years old, I knew the words in the book couldn't hurt me.  I devoured Christine, and The Stand, as soon as my sister had finished it.  I was hooked on horror from that day onward (though to be fair, I may have been hooked on monsters before even that).  Ever since then, I've had a soft spot for Stephen King's works.

Gerald's Game (2017) isn't one of my favorite Stephen King works.  I never read the book, if it was a book, or even the short story.  Gerald and his wife haven't been getting along terribly well lately, and for some reason, they settle on a quiet weekend full of sex games at a remote summer home to "spice things up."  Gerald thinks a nice set of handcuffs will do the trick, and his wife seems to go along with it, at first.  Then she gets cold feet, and they get into a fight, and well, things just go downhill from there.

Gerald is played by Bruce Greenwood, his wife is Carla Gugino.  There's a lot of dialogue in this movie, and a movie full of dialogue won't make it without some decent actors, so I guess Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood did an okay job, but maybe there was too much dialogue.  More action probably would have been better.  So, how to classify this movie?  I'm not even sure I could call it a horror movie.  I don't really recall any parts that were even that scary.  Not much happens during this movie.  I would have gotten bored and turned it off at a couple points, but the dog had me curious.  Not that anything actually happened with the dog, but I like dogs.  I kept hoping that the wife's attempts at befriending the dog would pan out at some point, but things didn't seem to work out that way.  This certainly wasn't a monster movie, or anything close to my usual kind of horror movie.  Meh.  I wouldn't watch it again, but it's on Netflix if you want to check it out.  Hey, I can't like all of the movies I watch, can I?  This is one of the crappier ones.

Okay, so I'm watching The Orville, and they just went through a "Dark Matter storm."  Is it just me or are we taking this dark matter thing a little too far?  I know, the Dark Matter/Energy theory is the darling of the physics geeks nowadays, but let's recap, shall we?  Tens of thousands of years ago, when primitive man looked up at the storm clouds and blamed the thunder on an angry, invisible sky god, I'm pretty sure we were just making things up.  As far as I know, we've never had any proof of any gods that we have ever worshipped, and we've worshipped a whopping shit-ton of them.  I mean, I don't want to upset any religious fanatics out there, but gods really don't have any place in our pursuit of knowledge.  I certainly don't understand why the gods would grant us the curiosity to seek out knowledge, and then suggest that we shouldn't, as in the "Apple in the garden of eden" story.  Just seems like a stupid contradiction that religion doesn't adequately explain, and makes me even more curious to seek out additional knowledge.

So, nowadays, physics geeks looked at the math, and went "There's not enough matter and energy in the universe, according to our best guess.  It must be something invisible that we can't see, can't detect by any means, and that is having some influence on our universe."  Gee, does that sound familiar?  Hey, I'm no expert, but do you think, maybe, we got the math wrong?  It is a best guess, after all.  There's no way we know enough to be sure of most of the values we attribute to the huge complicated mathematical equations we use to figure this shit out.  Back in college physics, the professor would give us a single equation to work out for homework.  Each of us would do the equation, and the next day in class, every single one of us would have a different result.  And according to the professor, we were all correct, no matter how much our answers differed from each other.  How is that even possible?

Let's just take the speed of light, which is supposed to be the most reliable constant that we can base all our physics on.  According to all the theories, light had to move faster than the actual speed of light in order to illuminate the universe as we know it, and at the same, time, we've discovered through scientific experimentation that we can actually slow or even "freeze" light in a medium of frozen gas.  So if the speed of light isn't a constant, then what can we possibly base all our math on?  Look, maybe I'm wrong on this, maybe there are chunks of dark matter flying all over the place, and maybe I am sitting on one right now.  I know in this day and age, committing suicide is often preferable to admitting you made a mistake, but let's think about this.  If there is one single thing we can absolutely, positively be sure of, it's that humans make mistakes.  All the time.  Without fail.

Didn't we estimate the age of the universe at 13.8 billion years old?  And didn't we just discover a star that was 14.6 billion years old?  I think we did.  So, is the star older than the universe, or did we get the age of the star wrong?  Come on people.  We don't know enough about much of anything to get it all correct.  Hey, maybe we got the math wrong, maybe we didn't, but isn't it time we stopped blaming invisble things we couldn't see on the things that happen in our lives, and just went looking to see wtf was going on?  Aren't we evolved enough to just set aside the need to postulate answers that sound good to our fellow man, and just investigate the truth?  Wouldn't that make more sense?  Meh, what do I know, right?  I sit around and watch crappy horror movies all day.  Please ignore me, and return to your regularly scheduled sacrifice to the flying spaghetti monster.

That's all for tonight.  Catch you guys tomorrow with another review.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

#4 - Cult of Chucky (2017)

Something a bit newer this time, even from this year, though the Chucky series of horror movies goes well back into the 80's.  Frankly, I've always been creeped out by dolls.  Even the barbies my cousin used to play with when we were kids used to look weird to me.  All smooth and plastic and lifeless, and yet so imitation-lifelike.  It's like playing with a corpse or something.  Very weird.  (shudder)

Cult of Chucky (2017) is the latest entry in the Chucky/Child's Play series of movies.  A little backstory, Charles Lee Ray was a serial murderer known as the "Voodoo Killer" or some such, cornered in a toy store by the authorities, who used Voodoo to send his evil spirit into a Chucky doll, a line of dolls that were hugely popular with children at the time (according to the myth created by the movie).  In the first movie (Child's Play, 1988), Charles lee Ray only had a certain amount of time to exit the body of the doll and take over a real human body, before his soul would be eternally merged with that of the doll, but the little boy whose soul he was after managed to nix that plan before Chucky could finish the voodoo ritual.  Ever since then, the murderous spirit of Charles Lee Ray has been trapped in the Chucky dolls, and is now only interested in mayhem and revenge.  This time, Chucky is looking to tie up loose ends with one of his previous victims, Nica Pierce, now transferred to a medium-security mental institution, where Chucky can finally get to her.

For a crappy B-series of horror movies, the Chucky movies aren't too bad.  This one is set in a state-of-the-art mental institution way the hell out in a snow-blasted plain, far away from a city, that looks freakin awesome as a setting.  Brad Dourif returns as the voice of Chucky, Fiona Dourif (Brad's daughter, I guess?) returns as Nica Pierce, Jennifer Tilly returns as Tiffany Valentine, Charles' girlfriend from some of the previous movies, and they even got Alex Vincent to return as Andy Barclay, the original protagonist from the first child's play movie.  I guess once you get typecast as the victim of a killer doll, it's hard to find roles that stretch your acting talents.  Still, everyone does an okay job.  I wouldn't say the movie was spectacular, but it was a little creepy, there was lots of blood, and I've seen worse horror movies.  Shit, just the setting alone was kind of cool.  No nudity to speak of but a few of the actresses were decent-looking.  No real reason to watch it twice, but I might be waiting for a squel, if they make another one.  After half a dozen chucky movies already, why not?  Cult of Chucky is on Netflix, if you want to watch it for yourself.

I caught "Kevin (Probably) Saves the World" last night.  At first I thought it might be interesting.  A guy who just failed at a suicide attempt moves in with his sister and niece, and there's a meteor shower, and I was hoping there might be some cool aliens or some whacky comedic hijinks going on.  Nope.  An angel comes to earth to tell "Kevin" that he's one of 36 virtuous people or some such nonsense, but the other 35 disappeared somehow, and he's the last one.  Somehow, he's supposed to save the world by doing good deeds and "anointing" 35 other people.  Too religious and too ridiculous a plot for my taste, and it wasn't even funny enough to bear watching.  Last time I tried anointing someone, I got slapped with a restraining order.  Why is it okay for this guy?  Shit, I can pretend I have an angel helping me, too!  Not going to bother watching this one again.  Looks dumb.  It's on Tuesdays on some channel, I can't recall which one, if you feel like checking it out for yourself.

That's all for tonight, been a busy day and I still have stuff left to do.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.  Catch you guys with another review tomorrow night!

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Review #3: Cursed

I love Werewolf movies.  There's just something about the long, lonely howling of a wolf that signifies that someone is about to get torn apart by werewolves.  Or, maybe I've been watching too many horror movies.  Yeah, that's probably it.  Did I ever tell you about the time I was practicing wolf-howling when I was a kid, and all the dogs in the neighborhood started barking?  Oh, I did?  Yeah.  Good times.

Cursed (2005) is a story about a brother and sister who are just trying to live thier normal, boring little lives out in California.  She is a booking agent for a talk show, and he's going through life in high school.  They're on their way home when they almost hit an animal in the road, and that causes them to run into another car, which is knocked off the road and falls down into a wooded area.  The sister tries to render aid to the car crash vicitims, when they are attacked by a bear.  Or a mountain lion.  Because there hasn't been a wolf sighting in Southern California for 70 years, according to the ambulance guy (who looks suspiciously familiar...  didn't he sit by a fire drinking whiskey for about an hour last christmas?  I think so).  It's not long before the brother and sister start to exhibit odd wolf-like symptoms, like growing hair in unsuual places, and staying out after dark...  almost like they were...  TEENAGERS!  :-o  OH GOD!   NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I like Cursed for several reasons, not least of which is Christina Ricci, who plays the female lead (the sister).  Christina isn't a traditional beauty, but just like her character in this movie, she's got a little something extra going on.  Yeah, I know she's married now and all, but give a geek a break.  I can still dream!  Jesse Eisenberg plays the male lead, the brother.  Joshua Jackson plays Christina's romantic interest (hey, a guy's playing eye candy for a woman for a change!), a local club owner who's opening a new horror-themed club.  There's some other supporting cast, including Nick Offerman playing the ambulance guy!  Yes, I knew he looked familiar.  Special effects are good, done by Rick Baker, the famous special effects guy, and the whole thing is directed by Wes Craven (at least, that's what it said at the beginning of the movie).  Everyone does a bang-up job, and the movie flows along really well.  All in all, a pretty decent werewolf movie, though the story mostly follows the brother and sister as they go about their mostly messed-up lives.  I've seen it several times now, so it certainly passes the rewatchability test.  I caught Cursed on Othermax (one of the Cinemax channels), if you want to check it out.

I don't have any more series to review tonight (more show up later this week), so let me go over a few tips for watching a horror movie.  First, you need to set aside a good time to watch the movie.  I like afternoons, or late at night, mostly because I'm a little sleepy then and my mind gets more into the movie.  Second, go to the bathroom beforehand, and have snacks and drinks handy.  Usually I like watching a movie with dinner, so I can kill two birds with one stone, as they say.  Last and most important, is suspension of disbelief.  Yeah, you pretty much have to really get into these movies, and remember, they're just movies!  They're made for your enjoyment, not to trick you (for the most part), so just relax and enjoy the show!

That's all I got for tonight.  I've probably reviewed Cursed before, but I checked back through last October, and I didn't see any reviews of it from me back then.  Some reviews are longer than others, and this one's a little short, but that doesn't mean I don't heartily recommend watching Cursed if you get the chance.  Catch you guys tomorrow night with another review!  :-)

Monday, October 2, 2017

Review #2: Village of the Damned

There's a lot of different kinds of horror movies.  Some are about villainous humans, some about evil monsters, some about psychotic children, and some about evil villainous psychotic monster children.  The first of these sorts of movies came around in 1960, and was called Village of the Damned.  There was a remake in 1995 called, amazingly enough "Village of the Damned."  Guess what?  That's our movie reivew of the night!  :-D  I know.  You're surprised, and thrilled.  No, don't thank me.  I am just reviewing for the lulz.

Village of the Damned (1995) is about a small village called Midwich, probably somewhere along the upper northwest coast of the U.S. (the original village of the damned in 1960 was in england, I think).  Midwich is a pretty quiet town, with a local doctor, a school, and a typical assortment of small-town characters.  Midwich is in the middle of getting some sort of fall festival started when SHAZAM!  Everyone falls asleep.  Or faints.  Anyway, they are all unconscious.  Everyone in the whole town.  Even the canaries, even the cows.  A local handyman is returning from picking up some helium for the balloons when he passes over the town line, and ZAPOW!  He falls asleep at the wheel, smahes into another truck and KABOOM!  The truck blows up.  There are other fatalities, like the poor sap who fainted on top the hot dogs he was grilling, and SASSIZZLE MY MANIZZLE!  Yeah, he was even more overdone than his hot dogs.  Then, 6 hours later, everyone wakes up, and they're fine, except the ones who died.  Well, not quite fine.  It seems that 12 women who were knocked out, have also been...  knocked up.  Nine months later, the "children" are born...

Heh, I did that "..." thing again!  Love that.  Just love it.  Right.  So, Village of the Damned!  The original creepy kid movie!  Lots of stars in this movie, or at least, they were stars back then.  Christopher Reeve (RIP the best Superman, ever) plays Dr. Alan Chaffee, the local doctor, who was out of Midwich the day of the incident, but his wife is mother to one of the children.  Kirstie Alley (back when she was still pretty popular) plays Dr. Verner, the government representative put in charge of keeping an eye on the kiddies.  Linda "Crocodile Dundee" Kozlowski and Michael Pare (too many B movies to list) play one of the other couples, the school Principal and her husband.  Mark "The Last Jedi" Hamill plays the local priest, and Meredith Salenger (who I believe is now engaged to Patton Oswalt, good for them!) plays a local teen.  George "Buck" Flower (that's his real nickname, not a movie title) plays the school janitor, and he was literally the awesomest extra ever.  RIP, Mr. Flower.  RIP, indeed.

Acting is excellent, as these are all veteran actors in their prime (at the time).  Plot was almost exactly like the original village of the damned, so no big changes there, as the plot was good enough the first time around.  Special effects were even better, of course, as this movie was done 35 years later.  Would I watch it again?  Shit, I seen it a dozen times already and I was willing to watch it again.  If that doesn't tell you how good it is, I don't know what does.  Plus, you can see a younger Kirstie Alley and a teenage Meredith Salenger in a bath towel!  How can you say no to that?  I should say this movie was very well done, as evidenced by the excellent cast and overall good production values.  Special effects are minimally well done, and haven't seemed to age a bit since this movie came out.  I caught this movie on HBO2 last week or so, so if you want to watch it yourself, that's probably the best place to start.

I honestly think Mark Hamill missed his calling when it comes to acting.  His success as the voice of the Joker in the animated series of Batman, and his turn in "Village of the Damned" as a creepy Pastor just sends chills down my spine.  There's a scene in the church about halfway through the movie when one of the mothers is sitting in a pew, looking for guidance, and Mark Hamill looks over and sees her.  "Melanie?" he breathes.  I'm sure he meant it to sound surprised, and concerned.  What it sounded like was the lustful gasp of a serial killer who has just found out his prey dropped into his lap unexpectedly.  It sounds like the pastor has been spending a lot of time thinking about Melanie, and he wasn't quite sure she was actually in his church, or if he was just imagining her again.  I suspect it was the fact that she actually had clothes on this time, that made him realize it was the real Melanie, come looking for help in her time of need.  I am sure I am just imagining most of this, but there was so much feeling in that "MELANIE?" that you could pretty much read anything into it.  Well done, Mark Hamill, you villainous scoundrel, you!  Well done!  You should totally play creepy villains from now on.  You'd be awesome at it.

Now, let's recap some of those series that are premiering this time of year.  I just caught "The Gifted" which is about Mutants (like the X-Men) trying to survive in the early days of the Sentinel Program.  If you are not a comic book reader, let me recap the setting of the X-man storyline for you.  Mutants are different, so the human government cracks down on them.  Supposedly, this is in response to the wars between the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (led by Magneto) and the X-Men (who have apparently now disappeared).  So, this poor schmuck's teenage kids turn out to be mutants, and in the sudden appearance of their mutant powers, there's some vandalism.  The kids are instantly labelled as criminals and the agents of the Sentinal Program (a government watchdog group put together to hunt down mutants) go after them.  There's some other stuff going on, and I won't go into details in case you DVR'd it, but the show itself looks pretty good, and there's ubiquitous use of mutant powers (and special effects, making it the opposite of the Inhumans).  So far, The Gifted looks interesting, and the chicks are hot, so I'm going with it.  It's on FOX mondays at 9 pm, right after Lucifer (which I might as well watch again, until something better comes on).  Oooh, the Gifted also has Stephen Moyer (True Blood) and Amy Acker (too many awesome series to list), who I was so surprised to see, I think my jaw is still on the floor. 

Something that's been on a few weeks now, which I should have mentioned before, is The Orville.  It's on Thursday nights, not sure what channel right now, but it's not a bad show.  It's not Star Trek, but since the only Star Trek is now behind a paywall, I'm going with the Orville.  Seriously, it's enough like Star Trek that you probably won't notice a difference, mixed with a little Red Dwarf (though keep in mind, I've never actually seen Red Dwarf, so that might be completely wrong).  There's some funny parts, but it's mostly serious, and again, hot sci-fi chicks.  You really cannot go wrong with hot sci fi chicks.  Geeks everywhere love Sci Fi, and for a geek, hot sci fi chicks are like the combination of two of their favorite subjects.  Cannot go wrong there.  Nope.  Just can't.   Mmmm.  Hot.  Sci Fi.  Chicks.  Yeah.

That's all for tonight.  Been a busy day and still got things to do.  Catch up with you guys tomorrow night with another review.  Until then, watch all the horror movies you can!  It's October, dammit!  Enjoy the fear!  :-D